Is it me, how do I know?

[unhappylady1]

I am generally fairly unhappy in my marriage but scared of making the leap. Often feel I'm walking on egg shells. I'm worried he'll tell everyone what a bitch I am and that I'm to blame as that's pretty much what he tells me as the reason our marriage is failing. He says it's all me, how do I know if it's all me, I'm scared, confused, lonely, desperate and just downright sad. He says I make him ill and that he can't stand being with me anymore.

Please someone hold my hand and help me.

Also people tend to worry a lot about what people will say and think about you in a relationship breakdown; to be honest, after the initial short term - it never matters as much as you think. It's yesterday's news very fast.

Your DH doesn't sound very nice.
He should be a good friend and treat you with respect. Maybe try some counselling today help you through this?

OP, he’s using your fear of the relationship ending to control and manipulate you. That is not a healthy relationship. Is there a friend or family member you trust and are close enough to that you could talk to about this? I bet they would agree that it isn’t all you and might help reassure you that your family and friends won’t see you as the bad person in this?

Morality I know your right, I just can't seem to think rationally as feel on the edge of having a melt down.

He seems to have this control over me. This has been going on for years and I just wish I could make the break and be brave

Princess i just feel so embarrassed about it all, I've had a few failed long term relationships which makes me thinks it must be me. He makes me feel scared to argue back as chucks the divorce card in every time

He can say what he wants, but you also get to say what you want about him. He seems to be conveniently overlooking that.

He's got you so ground down, you're doubting that anyone will believe you. Sounds like he's been working at it for years to ruin your confidence and belief in yourself.

He seems to have this control over me. This has been going on for years

I wrote my last post before I even read this.

*I've had a few failed long term relationships which makes me thinks it must be me.

Most people have had a few failed long-term relationships.

I don’t know. My dh says it’s all me. Who knows? I’d think both parties had a part to play, but what would I know. You sound miserable though. Is this relationship something you want to keep?

Morality I don't get to say what I want. I have to pick my words carefully during an argument as to blame him. He says he's always trying and that I make him ill. He makes me ill but I don't mention this as when I have he says it's always about me and what I want.

Your comment which you seemed to get so accurate made me cry. I'm lying on the sofa in the dark, husband is in bed fast asleep. He's packed a small case.....

How many sleeps how do you cope when your husband says that to you? I am miserable a lot of the time. I resent trying to be nice to him as it works one way and it demoralising

I've been talking to the Samaritans on and off for a few years now because of him and how he makes me feel. I've never said that before to anyone. That's not how it should be is it...

That's not how it should be is it...

No, OP, that is not how it should be. Not at all.

Actually, it doesn’t matter if it’s you or not. You are entitled to be treated kindly and with respect even if, like everyone else, you have faults. So stop worrying about that.

Will he badmouth you to everyone? What if he does? Let him. You’ll have so much peace of mind when you’re free of him, you’ll hardly care.

Now, how to get away, safely and effectively?

I’ve learnt to cope. I separate myself off as much as I can. Don’t ever learn to cope. I don’t recommend it.

He sounds like a narcissist. Read up a bit on this, ‘Why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft is good. I’m sorry OP, that you are going through this, but if you can be strong, I think you’ll find much more happiness without him.

Hes packed a small case? So say bye bye loser.

He is emotionally abusing you and potentially drmonstrating narcissistic traits. It’s him 1 million percent! You can’t change him. He will continue to rip your confidence to shreds .
Leave and don’t look back

Just read that he’s packed a small case ....seriously i’d upsize that to accomdate all of his belongings (save him returning) & book the uber for him to a very far away destination.

There’s a lot of information about the traits of a narcissist too OP if you’re having doubts if it’s him or not .
Someone mentioned upthread about Lundy Bancroft’s book, it’s good ! Also there are some podcasts on typical narc / sociopathic behaviour.

As for him threatening you with divorce and telling everyone your marriage is over , who on earth does he think he fucking is ?! Get assertive OP, how dare he try to hold this over your head , tell him that “his”marriage is not what you want from life and you absolutely cannot wait to tell everyone that you’re finally dickhead free single! X

OP, my ex was exactly like this. It's abuse. It's only going to get worse.

Has he ever broken some of your things on purpose? My ex went on doing this, then he starters pushing me, throwing things at me and in the end, hitting me.

You need to leave as it's only going to get worse.

I haven't yet RTFT so I don't know if you have children, I hope not, and if not, don't get pregnant.

You deserve better than this OP. It's awful living on eggshells.

The more I read of your thread OP, the more your story is similar to mine, down to caling the Samaritans. Reading it gives me the chills, please leave him op, don't be like me, I stayed far too long and had a child with the monster.

It's not all your fault, he is manipulating you, gaslighting you and twisting your words to make it seem so. One day you will see this, the scales will fall off your eyes and you will see the awfulness of his behaviour.

This is abusive behaviour, it's not your fault, and he is manipulating your emotions so that you feel it's your fault. You need to leave, but you may need to get some support to do so. I think your friends and family will think you're amazing and strong for taking the steps you need to. And if he badmouths you then you will cope - people who know and love you will hear your story and will support you. If anyone doesn't then they are people you don't need in your life. You are doing the right thing in ending this, but do find someone, either family or friend, or an organisation, that can support you. Best wishes.

You know exactly what kind of person you are, so as sure as hell you don't need to be afraid of anything that your husband may say to others.He must be a very awful person,if you think he would bad mouth you outside your home. However,he does sound abusive and domineering, meaning a horrible way to be living right now.