Is it me, how do I know?

[unhappylady1]

I am generally fairly unhappy in my marriage but scared of making the leap. Often feel I'm walking on egg shells. I'm worried he'll tell everyone what a bitch I am and that I'm to blame as that's pretty much what he tells me as the reason our marriage is failing. He says it's all me, how do I know if it's all me, I'm scared, confused, lonely, desperate and just downright sad. He says I make him ill and that he can't stand being with me anymore.

Please someone hold my hand and help me.

He is doing a number on you here having you think it's all your fault and holding it over you that he will tell everyone how bad you are.
That shows a nasty side to him which your friends will easily pick up on. They may even have noticed already what a piece of work he is.
But just say for a moment he is a saint and it's all your fault...so what..you deserve happiness and you are not happy here. You have no DC to worry about so go and your real friends will support you.
The way things are now is not good for either of you.
Remember your friends know you and that's who they see not some twisted bitter description by a cranky ex.

Reading your posts made me feel a bit sick. It sounds so awful. He sounds very unpleasant

Please don’t worry about what others think. I found that a number of people when I said I was leaving, said to me - o thank goodness.

They hadn’t wanted to express an opinion when I was with him so as not to interfere.

There will always be some people that act weird about it but fuck em, they don’t have to live it!

Rip the plaster off, get strong & get rid. Don’t have kids with this guy x

www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/the_dominator.html

He threatens to tell people as he knows that you care about that. Try to change your way of thinking. Dr Seuss said it best (paraphrasing) ‘those who mind don’t matter, those who matter don’t mind’. People who truly care about YOU, who matter, will only ever want you happy, healthy and safe. People who care about gossip, they don’t matter and shouldn’t make one iota of difference to your decisions in life as they do not care about you. Hold your head up high, you KNOW you’ve tried in this marriage, you know you have. Does not matter what anybody else says. Life is too short, seriously.
(A good relationship has mutual respect, nobody dictating, walking on eggshells. And btw you don’t have to look somebody in the eye in YOUR own home if YOU don’t want to.)

Most of us have had a few long term relationships., so stop describing them as ‘failed’. It is negative way of thinking to view them as such. You spent time together, learnt about yourself/life/love & parted ways. That is how most romantic relationships work, they don’t all end up in marriage.

Your marriage is clearly an unhappy one. So it does not matter even if you were at fault / you aren’t happy, supported, free to be yourself, he isn’t your safe place to fall at the end of a hard day. He makes you feel worse, he brow beats you into submission. You are not even allowed to control where your gaze falls. He is so obviously an abuser - please read Lundy Bancroft book! It will resonate with you am sure.

Please stop caring about what people will think. That type of insecure thinking is what makes people stay in bad life situations. On your death bed you will care less about some gossip & more that you didn’t have the courage to get out of this abusive relationship. He will destroy you emotionally. He already is to the point you are questioning your sanity. He has you insecure, scared & confused.

The small bag packed is to threaten you. I would chuck it on the lawn & tell him to keep on packing - but never do that because he is not a safe person & he may hurt you if he senses he is losing control over you.

I bet you would feel more at peace on your own without his dark personality constantly casting a shadow over you like this.

He’s threatening to tell others and start a smear campaign as that is what narcissists do when they realise you no longer will take their shit. It’s the 3rd stage of their pattern.

Hope you are ok this morning OP 💐

I don't get to say what I want

You do when you get rid of him.

If he's all that unhappy and you're so "bad" (which you're not) he should go. He keeps threatening divorce and has a bag packed; why doesn't he leave then?

I mean he's so strong and always right; why doesn't he just go if you're do awful?

Could it be because he's actually pathetic or that he:s just an abuser who lives having his personal whipping boy (woman)?

Morning and thank you all for your lovely replies, they made me cry. I am struggling to believe I am in an abusive relationship if I am honest. He has taken his a small bag this morning and said he will be gone for a few days, I would have normally text / rang by now to ask him to come back. I haven't done so....

I am just lost, numb and scared for my future - mostly short term future.

Thank you all again so much for taking the time to respond, you don't know how much it helps.

*so
*loves

He sounds like such a miserable, bullying, stressful, black cloud of an individual.
Living with that for years, no wonder you feel like yours having a break down.

You probably want kids (?), you need to get out and try to find someone decent to have then with, because it can't be with this "man".

He has taken his a small bag this morning and said he will be gone for a few days

That must be a relief!

I think we've all heard of a few people who are so damaged they have to make that the person they're with "prove" that they love them and value them by always threatening to go and making the other person grovel and run after them. They have to have the "upper hand" in a relationship, with the other always submissive, insecure and grovelling. He's perhaps one of those.

Alternatively it's not impossible he's a cheater and doing the criticism/attacking thing that cheaters do to justify to themselves how they're behaving.

They can't be the bad guy, the immoral, disgraceful one; so they have to try to convince themselves, their partner and others that the partner is "bad" and drove them to. It's always bullshit of course.

I don't know why he hasn't just left if I am so bad. I keep saying I will make things better - god that sounds so pathetic.

I don't want children but I do want a happy life with someone who shows me love and cares about my feelings.

I feel like there is this assumption that you know when you’re being abused, or when you find it your partner is abusive it will be a more clear cut choice to leave. It’s not. It can feel emotionally like you’re losing the love of your life. Because you falsely believe they are!

If it makes you feel better OP even after my boyfriend strangled me, I missed him so much & wanted him to come back & craved his company. I even broke the terms of the police order to take him to hospital, just so he would know how nice & decent I was. It is taking a lot of work to reprogram my mind from thinking & missing the man who could have killed me. I still want to dial his number at least a few times a week.

The trauma bond is real. He has also programmed you to be so submissive to him that you feel you can’t function without him!

I am just lost, numb and scared for my future - mostly short term future.

Things will work themselves out.
Maybe you could try to find a solicitor who offers the first consultation free for some advice in separating, the financial aspect etc (or pay if you can afford it).

I know your right.

Why is he being so horrid - what makes a person like this, does he really believe it's me do you think? Or is he really not the person I thought he was....

I don't want children

In a way that's really good, bear with me, because you can get away from him without feeling like you've sacrificed your chance to have kids, and with zero pressure to meet someone else by a certain time.

but I do want a happy life with someone who shows me love and cares about my feelings.

He's been demonstrating for a long time that you're extremely unlikely to have that with him. It's very unlikely to change.

Why is he being so horrid - what makes a person like this, does he really believe it's me do you think? Or is he really not the person I thought he was....

He may have convinced himself.

He's obviously not a 'nice' person, perhaps he's just damaged/faulty.

Perhaps he's cheating.

It's also v possible you've idealised him, not seen him as he is. That's very common.

I don't think he's cheating, we're rarely apart unless we're at work so I don't think that. I'm sat here thinking of all the 'stuff' that's happened over the years, it's not good, not good at all.

I feel very very anxious and unsure what my next step is. I don't want to move out...

It doesn't matter why he's doing it OP. It might be that he learnt from his parents relationship, or that he is a narcissist or any other explanation. That doesn't give him a right to treat you this way. I bet he doesn't treat other people in his life like this.

No he doesn't, he says I treat him differently to others. I probably do now as I feel so much resentment but fundamentally I am kind to him

Well there you go then, he treats you this way because he wants to and because he can. If he did this to someone at work he'd be in trouble. He wants you unsure of yourself and walking on eggshells, at his beck and call.

Sounds like it's just his character then. Youve implied there's worse, sadly I don't think anyone posting is surprised.

I know it's very hard but establishing how you would manage practically/financially might help you a lot at this time.

Could you afford where you live on your own?
A divirce solicitor might be able to give good advice - or women's aid.

No I couldn't afford to stay here and frankly don't want to, I'd rather be somewhere else. I can support myself financially once I've sold my house