Angry and resentful and I think dh would be better off without me

[HalyardHitch]

I'm angry so much of the time. I feel bitter and resentful. I'm not a nice person any more.

He said he's treading on egg shells and I think he's right. I hate myself.

I have two boys 2y5m and 1y5m. Dh studies mon-fri all day until i go to work at around 4pm. I work till 9pm while he has the boys. He does do the dishwasher, cook dinner, tidy the kitchen.

He's then away two weekends a month studying.

We split the night wakes and early mornings pretty evenly.

We both do minimal cleaning. I do all laundry and hoovering.

I try to be a good mum but really could do better. I feel I don't do enough developmental stuff with them like puzzles. But then the eldest isn't interested as he's hyper.

I don't know how to be a nice person but I hate myself and I imagine DH hates me too. Please help me unpick this

Firstly, sit down and tell your DH everything you've written here. Tell him you want to change and to stop feeling so angry.

Secondly, make an appointment with your GP and again, explain everything you've said here. I think you might be depressed.

Either way, posting on here is your first tiny step.

If anyone posted about their husband they would say it was abuse.

I'm not convinced I'm abusive

I'm frustrated with parenting on my own 24/7, having to pay the Bills with no nursery childcare (ergo, no break). I'm tired. So tired.

My eldest has a few behaviour issues associated with some medical stuff he has going on (currently this is improving due to medication

He says I always criticise

Irritability can be tiredness and depression.

Your life seems like a hamster wheel so understandable if you were both tired & exhausted. Essentially you are on the go from early morning til late evening.

How long the study continue? After that is he guaranteed a job i.e is he studying for a career.
Do you ever get down time, have family around? However I think you need more than a few hours away as your life doesn't seem in balance.

Another 3.5 years to go. He's studying for a good career.

He's so fed up with me. I've broken everything and I don't know what to do. I feel I'm crying out for help but he says he helps loads. He does. But how many have a 12 month age gap with a husband who is working 12/14 days, no family locally, little money and working evenings.

I can't see any way out of this. I'm likely to break my marriage the way I'm going but I don't know what to do. My marriage is probably already broken.

Can he study a little less during the day and help you more with the DC and housework?

You're holding down a job and doing the majority of childcare and housework. No wonder you are tired and resentful.

See if he can manage his study time better so he can do more.

When was the last time you had a day out by yourself?

He won't cut back. It's not an option as far as he's concerned.

He's just said he's not prepared to continue as things are.

I want to run away and not come back. I just want him to stop hating me and realise that I'm trying my god damned hardest. But I'm too horrible for him to realise how hard I'm trying

That sounds really hard. I had similar, 14 month age gap, husband working all hours. It does get easier but that's probably not helpful now!!
Things that helped me:
Childcare
Anti depressants
Time
In that order. All helped me get myself back and stop being so angry all the time. IT WILL GET BETTER.

@Itsallaswizz it is helpful, thank you. However we're so strapped that childcare is literally all on me. We currently pay for the 2 year old to go to preschool two mornings. That's helpful but I spend those two mornings chasing my tail to catch up on jobs and doing something nice for the one year old, like swimming.

However, I think DH has given up for good. Me and my lack of resilience has wrecked it. I've shut myself in my room with my laptop and am going to disengage for a while. Save myself doing further damage to our marriage.

I think DH wants me to leave. But he won't ask me to go as he needs me to look after the children for him. I'm just too horrible to him for him to want me around any more

Blimey, what is he studying for, and how much longer will it take?

Will you be able to do less hours when he's qualified? By which I mean will he be a high earner?

Does he not get holidays from the course he is studying? This would give you a break at least.

It does seem like you might be depressed. It's not your fault, you needed to be kind to yourself. It's a stressful time for you both. His studies are impacting you greatly, he really needs understand this. If he doesn't, your marriage will combust, due to his rigid postion. Does he study at home?

This is probably slightly outing. He's training to be an osteopath. First year done out of 4.5 years. He's just finished for the summer but needs to start up his massage therapy business, do a cpd course and continue his course studies.

Hopefully he'll be a slightly higher earner. I think we're aiming for around 40k. The boys are one and two now and will be 5 and 6 when he qualifies. They were 6 months and 18 months when he started.

I know my life is tough. I'm going to try to see the GP tomorrow (it won't happen as you have to ring, ask for an appointment, the doctor rings you and then they say no).

Feeling sorry for myself unfortunately isn't going to stop my husband hating me. He said he doesn't want to talk right now as he doesn't want to go over the same old thing. He said we'll talk another time. I've massively fucked all this up by being so angry and critical I just don't know how to fix it.

I try to explain how tough I feel my life is. But I know nothing can change. I just have to keep sacrificing in order to get us through. He says he's sacrificing too but he's enjoying something new and rewarding. I'm wiping up shit and dealing with tantrums every day of the week, including weekends

I can't stop crying. I'm being so pathetic

He does study at home. He has the boys while I get ready in the morning and then takes over as I leave for work. He finds it hard to focus if the elder one is having a tantrum (he has some regular meltdowns due to his health issues, these meltdowns can last upwards of an hour). I try to keep them quiet but I just respond angrily if DH asks if I can quieten things down. I don't think I should be so aggressive and defensive in my response.

I really don't want to talk badly of him. He's working really hard to try to improve our lives

He can't say he's not prepared to carry on and then just expect you to think of possible alternatives. Is he imagining he will get to fuck off and escape childcare? Ask him how he will handle a 50/50 time split with the kids and studying.

Your kids are at ages where they are super hard work. It'll get better. Do you have Homestart where you are? They help if you have under fives.

I have applied for homestart and been accepted based on the 2 year olds meltdowns. However, due to medication he is improving and a lack of available volunteers, nothing has been forthcoming yet.

He's not prepared to continue engaging with my anger and me having a go at him all the time, is what he's saying

He's not willing to see how his studying is about to break his wife emotionally,physically and mentally and he wants to be an osteopath? No thanks I'll never make an appointment with him! How can he be so insensitive?

If he’s threatening to leave you what does he think will happen?

I think he's going to be an incredible osteopath. He takes his studying seriously and is really dedicated. He always reads in more depth and takes the time to understand what he's learning. He's really aced this year. I'm really proud of him.

He's not particularly threatening to leave. I just can't see a way to fix everything. He's only said he's fed up with how I talk to him - and quite frankly, I can't blame him. I AM always having a go at him.

I don't think he will leave. His course won't work without me paying the bills and looking after the children. Equally, I won't be able to pay the bills without him looking after the children in the evening.

I just need to find a way not to be having a go at him all the time. He said he feels that no matter what he does it won't be good enough in my eyes. I hate that he feels that way. I wish I could show him that it is good enough but that I just need more time.

I just don't think there is more time. He has to work, study, look after the boys. I have to work and look after the boys.

Every time I check back in on this thread I start crying again. I want to be able to laugh with him again, feel relaxed with him, be intimate with him. I just want our happy relationship back again. I feel if we have that then I'll be resilient enough to survive the rest. But currently I'm in a tough situation with a broken marriage and it's crucifying me

You sound lovely but just really stressed. He seems a bit dismissive of your feelings to be honest. He struggles with a tantrum yet you are dealing with solo parenting for 12hrs then off to work. Does he struggle with empathy because he doesn't seem to be showing you any. It seems your left shouldering all the blame for the demise of the relationship. He needs to buck the fuck up.

This thread isn't going how I expected it to go. I imagined everyone would tear me to pieces for being abusive towards him. I was going to show him this thread and that I'm going to get help to start feeling better. I have access to a therapist but unfortunately can't afford it right now. NHS therapy is a joke, which is a shame.

Why are you so keen to take the blame here? You are running yourself ragged to facilitate his studying- he should be pulling his bloody weight.

What stuff does he do at weekends that takes him away?

Is he using his studying to opt out? You need to have a calm conversation with him and tell him this isn't sustainable.

What Olivia said.

He has to go to his lectures at weekends. They aren't negotiable. It was sold to us as a part time course. Funnily enough, it carries more credits per year than a full time degree. In essence it just means lectures are at weekends. Two Saturdays and two sundays per month.

I'm struggling to see how he can do less. When he's working and going to clinic and lectures, it already squeezes his study time.

I guess I'm taking the blame because I'm the one always having a go at him, complaining, shouting, starting fights, getting angry