Angry and resentful and I think dh would be better off without me

[HalyardHitch]

I'm angry so much of the time. I feel bitter and resentful. I'm not a nice person any more.

He said he's treading on egg shells and I think he's right. I hate myself.

I have two boys 2y5m and 1y5m. Dh studies mon-fri all day until i go to work at around 4pm. I work till 9pm while he has the boys. He does do the dishwasher, cook dinner, tidy the kitchen.

He's then away two weekends a month studying.

We split the night wakes and early mornings pretty evenly.

We both do minimal cleaning. I do all laundry and hoovering.

I try to be a good mum but really could do better. I feel I don't do enough developmental stuff with them like puzzles. But then the eldest isn't interested as he's hyper.

I don't know how to be a nice person but I hate myself and I imagine DH hates me too. Please help me unpick this

Hang on a minute...why are you shouldering all of this blame? I want to go back to study but do you know what I’ve done? What most people do? Wait. Wait until all kids are in primary school and the hardest slog is over. Why on earth did he start studying when one of yours was 6 months old!!? I’m sat here shaking my head at that. That’s when it needs to be all hands on deck at the weekends so the one who does the week long childcare can get some time off to recharge the batteries. You cannot shoulder all of this alone. No wonder you are fraught. He should have waited to take on studying until everything was more stable. He’s selfish and you’ve been abandoned to raise these kids alone...oh and you’re also working to facilitate him. If the marriage is faltering then what’s to stop him using you to get his qualifications and then dumping you? You talk as though he’s doing it for your family but is he really? If he wanted to do the best by your family then he’d be considering what you need. You need to be really careful that he’s not just mugging you off here and using you. If I was you, I’d be looking to move near to family support. Let him get on with what he wants and he can see the kids 50%. Imagine all that free time you’ll have...be good to see what he thought of those onions. Start feathering your own nest lady.

I think your husband sounds so selfish. Who starts studying when your kids are so young? If he is at home studying you could be at work during the day while he looks after them while studying. If he finds it a struggle then congratulations he is in the sweet spot of parenting - he is not experiencing any of the juggling act parenting is, leaving it all to you. It gets my goat he is permitted to devote himself so fully to a part time course - of course he is aceing part time course because he has spent double the required time needed to study! He is living the life of a student but he decided to start a family so that ship has sailed.

Does he work paid job while doing this part time study?

How does he feel that you have to look after kids all day then go straight to work? How is that fair? No wonder you are snappy & not functioning well.

If he is a full time student he should also take on MUCH more of SAHP duties while you work during the daytime. There is zero reason for you to have to stay at home to watch the kids while he studies every day! He is taking the piss !

I think he has you a bit brainwashed OP. The things you snap about are valid and he's taking the piss. OK if he worked 9 -5 he would still be unavailable; but you'd have more money too. Lots of people study to improve their prospects and you don't need to put that many hours in. Plenty of parents do it when the kids are in bed. He's not doing his share. He needs to care for and provide for his family now not just in 5 years.

You’d think this bloke was in medical school the way he is carrying on about his studying! Yes it sucks if his parents didn’t push him to achieve academically, but unfortunately the full time student life boat has sailed for him as he decided to start a family.

I snorted when the OP described her husband saying he couldn’t do any more with the kids because he would lose quality time with them. His life sounds fairly luxurious.

Asking you to keep the tantrum down so he can study - ?! - many students would have to go to a library or put some headphones on to get some peace. The world does not stop because your husband wants to become what is essentially a glorified massage therapist.

Are you getting anywhere close to enough sleep? I’m concerned that with working nights, needing time to shift from work mode to sleep mode, night wakings, and typical young child early mornings, you must be a zombie. And I completely understand not napping during the day because sometimes you just need an hour where no one is asking anything of you.

Also if he is not working he is taking the piss because many FULL TIME students also had to juggle work, he should at bare minimum be pulling beers in a pub, working in retail or doing some voluntary work experience at an osteopathy practice.

The number of course points is not relevant - it’s a part time course so it is part time study. He is dedicating full time hours to a part time course & aceing it while you work double shifts of childcare & work, being run ragged.

I would switch to a day time job & give him a taste of reality of juggling SAH parenting while studying. That is how it should be set up really. Then his part time job can be used to contribute for a day of childcare so he can get a day studying in peace. But as a parent that must be the exception not the rule.

He is honestly the most precious self important student have heard of ! He is not going to be saving lives here, he needs to get a grip on reality because your mental state is slipping while he does exactly what he pleases.

I think you need to stop berating yourself OP. Youve done nothing wrong here. Have more self respect and stop letting this guy bring you down. Stand up for yourself. He’s the one who needs to make some serious life changes.

It a tricky one. The way we have things does have certain advantages. Dh is up with the two old and I'm still in bed with the teething one year old. I can stay here till nine if I want to.

I'm going to propose to dh that I go back to work. Problem is, I'll be sad to miss out on time with my boys. Not that I'm doing a great job lately.

I must say, I pushed him to stop work and also encouraged him to start the course. He finished work at Christmas- before he was working, studying (evenings and his two spare weekends) and looking after the boys while I worked. That was massively unsustainable. His finances haven't hugely changed since due to his student loan.

I dont work nights. I work between three and five hours per evening m-f. Sometimes with a Thursday off when dh goes to clinic.

I think I'm going to have a sit down with my therapist. I'll have to find the money. It's important that I hash this out properly with him

If your partner is off for the summer he needs to pull his weight and give you a break.
And in term time he needs to take over an hour or two before you go to work, so you have a mental gap. He can make up the studying time if he has to when the kids are in bed.

You're not snapping over nothing and he is being just as bad goading you and blaming you and increasing your stress.

I'm really glad you're taking some steps to change things, OP. Its ridiculous, you cannot carry on like this. How do you think he will react?

I personally don't think he'll be prepared to defer his course. In truth, I don't really want him to. I think he might be prepared to stop at 2 though. I'll try to compose myself to have a sensible chat later. Although I might need to wait as we're both pretty hostile at the moment.

This summer he's doing a cpd course, decorating a couple of bedrooms, setting up his massage therapy business. Not exactly doing nothing. He's going to be around weekends until September now.

I'm going to stay in bed with the one year old until he wakes. Dh was doing the night with him but I took over (my choice). Poor sod is cutting pre molars. Shame I can't sleep, I have a headache

How does the CPD work when he isnt even professionally qualified yet? Seems a bit weird. Will he be doing anything that actually brings in money over the summer?

He doesn't have to defer his course, but he does need to understand that studying 12 hours a day on a course that only requires 2 hours study a day will NOT make him a 6x better osteopath.

Does he really struggle with reading and writing generally, and that's why this is taking up so much time? If it takes him 2 hours to read a page that someone else might read in 15 minutes, that might explain this bizarre situation.

I guess we're calling it cpd. Seems it's the done thing on his course to do short courses to add to the cv.

Yes, he's got some work lined up. Although how much, I don't know.

He is dyslexic. His assignments always take him a long time. Reading isn't a problem though

Oh look, another depressed woman with a selfish man! It's almost as if the two things go hand in hand!

"He says that every other husband goes to work M-F and the only difference is that he's away at weekends."
Every other husband who goes to work EARNS MONEY. He's not earning money is he?

The reason you are angry and resentful is that he is being selfish and letting you bear the burden of supporting the family financially and practically.

Depression will make it all worse but you are not resentful because of your depression, you are depressed because of the resentment.

You absolutely must prioritise seeing the GP, taking antidepressants (if that's what they recommend) and doing counselling - ask the GP if there is any CBT or other counselling available on the NHS (there usually is something and you can often self-refer, google IAPT in your area).

Ultimately though your husband has to spend less time studying and more time contributing. I expect he says that he "has to" study when in fact he wants to because it's easier and more interesting than childcare and housework.

Nothing about your behaviour is abusive. Nothing.

Opposite circumstances here - I’m the student and DH is the SAHP. I take over in the evenings, I get up with DC in the mornings at weekends as I wake up at 5:30am anyway, giving DH time to catch up on sleep he’s missed in the week, I also do half the nightly wake ups every single night.

I was the SAHP for years until DH had an accident and is now unable to work. So I know first hand how difficult it is to be the SAHP. We have a DD with ASD/ADHD too so feel you on the behavioural stuff and meltdowns.

I’m not understanding what your DHs problem is? What is it that he wants to change?

If he's doing that much studying for a PART TIME course he's doing it wrong!! He needs to go to his tutor and get advise and help. Most of his peers will be working too, some full-time - that's the whole point of lecturers at the weekend so people can WORK and attend. He must be wasting a lot of time on things that aren't relevant to his course or his exams. He needs focus and structure and his tutor can help. Every course will give the recommended independent study hours needed on the course. I suggest you look this up and then sit him down again. He's unrealistic if he thinks this is sustainable for another 3.5 years! Do you think your marraige will survive that long? For a job that has no guaranteed income at the end?

I have re-read your posts and the things you've listed that make you snap. It is perfectly reasonable to get annoyed by those things! It's very convenient for him to accuse you of being critical and angry - but does that mean you are never allowed to get annoyed with him? Never allowed to be unhappy about anything he does? He is basically trying to train you never to challenge him.

Unfortunately a lot of men are like this, selfish and can't bear to be criticised. Well sometimes they need calling out on their behaviour.

Obviously you need be careful about how you do it (ie no insults, careful about tone) but you are ABSOLUTELY entitled to tell him that you feel annoyed / frustrated about the things he has done (or not done).

Why isn’t he helping out by getting part time work. He has dropped everything on you while he goes off and burns his head in a text book and is wondering why you are being narky. I think you need to see your gp because you sound depressed and possibly have a discussion with your manager about your hours.

Bury not burns lol

This is a part time course.
It looks to me as if he is stretching it to full time because he can.
I have been counting up in my head all the women I know who have done OU degrees, vocational courses, and they all did it around jobs and dc.
Is he already qualified in massage?
If so he needs to get cracking with earning so you can afford some help.

He is overdoing the study aspect as well, I have kids, completed a degree and worked full time at one point then went part time I came out with a 2:1 doing sometimes 8 hours a week study. I can’t see any benefit in doing 12 hours study a day, he should be doing way less than that. The dyslexia doesn’t affect his reading so he can do what everyone else does, speed read and note write and then he can spend more time completing his assignments.he should be looking at the assignment questions a that will help him when he is doing the reading, it will save him time if notes down his reference as he is studying as well.

"The dyslexia doesn’t affect his reading"
Eh?!

I have a family member who is dyslexic. He is, and always has been, a voracious reader, has a degree. His dyslexia affects his time management and organisational skills. Everyone is different.

I would be concerned he’s using you as the bill payer and his source of childcare until he finishes this course tbh. I don’t think he’s the Saint you consider him to be.

Currently he’s sitting studying all day every day while you run around after two toddlers (not easy) then you leave to work all evening on top of that. Does he really need to study all day long? Seems so excessive, even full time uni students don’t do this!

I too would query if he needs to do full day office hours study. It’s bloody hard work being a parent and then going off to work too. You are not cruel or a justice. You’re knackered and supporting the whole family set up