Angry and resentful and I think dh would be better off without me

[HalyardHitch]

I'm angry so much of the time. I feel bitter and resentful. I'm not a nice person any more.

He said he's treading on egg shells and I think he's right. I hate myself.

I have two boys 2y5m and 1y5m. Dh studies mon-fri all day until i go to work at around 4pm. I work till 9pm while he has the boys. He does do the dishwasher, cook dinner, tidy the kitchen.

He's then away two weekends a month studying.

We split the night wakes and early mornings pretty evenly.

We both do minimal cleaning. I do all laundry and hoovering.

I try to be a good mum but really could do better. I feel I don't do enough developmental stuff with them like puzzles. But then the eldest isn't interested as he's hyper.

I don't know how to be a nice person but I hate myself and I imagine DH hates me too. Please help me unpick this

When I did a full time degree as a mature student I did 10-14 hour days. Truth is I could have done it in 6 hour days like my friends who were mums did. I just wasn't as organised and I faffed, and I had the luxury of time to be able to.

He doesn't sound like a very nice man. Why doesn't he make coffee for two as routine? It's no extra work and would be something bog standard to do that supports you. Likewise not helping if he can hear you're struggling with the two, or finishing something he's been reading or doing and popping downstairs for a 10 minute break during which he says hello to you all, and offers to play with the kids if you need 10 minutes to do something. That's what a normal family man would do.

Him 'acing' his assignments is not a positive. All he needs to do is pass. Being perfectionist about it, and operating as if he's 18 and just starting uni with no other responsibilities, is not on. This course is a means to an end, it shouldn't involve all the hours it does. He needs to work out how much time is needed to pass and do that.

I did my nursing training back in the days when you worked full time and studied in short blocks and in your own time. Most of us had other part time jobs too, waitressing, bar jobs etc to make ends meet.
Limited time focuses the mind on getting the book work done.

I honestly do think he is taking advantage of you and not pulling his weight.
He doesn't need to set up his own business at this stage, he could get a PT job as a massage therapist in a sports centre, hotel, spa, clinic. Massage is becoming increasingly popular with men looking for sports massage. My DS has regular sports massage and the place he goes to is always very booked up.

I think he's taking advantage and training you to think you're the one doing something wrong.

There really is no reason for him to be studying all day long like that for a part time course.

FT med students might study 4 to 6 hours a day.

How does he plan to start a business and continue with school at the same time.

He's off for the summer. Did he just sign up for all these things CPD or did he consult you first

He really should be doing a lot more since he is off until August and give you a break.

He's being very unfair.

CPD courses are intended for people who are already qualified.
He is just indulging himself and opting out of his family responsibilities.

I think DH wants me to leave. But he won't ask me to go as he needs me to look after the children for him

Hang on a minute. Why is ALL the childcare down to you? He's a parent too.

It does sounds as if his studying is indulgement and an opt out of family responsibilities.

I'm not surprised you're angry.

Yes to getting a job yourself. And yes to pointing out to him that he doesn't get to duck all the daily grind stuff, just because he's 'studying'.

He is absolutely taking the piss. How utterly selfish.

He should be working OR doing his fair share of the daytime childcare.

I'm starting to thaw today. Both boys are still asleep and have been since 12.30. I've done bugger all since then.

I'm just off to work now.

I've been reflecting. For now, dh will be around at weekends. I'm going to give myself some room to breathe. Do less, try to be calmer. Once the dust has settled I'm going to speak to dh through the therapist. We will both go to see her and I'll explain calmly exactly my issue. I think he's not understanding my problem though all of the complaining and nagging (my words, not his). If I don't address it maturely, he's just going to hear noise and shouting.

He's a good, hardworking man. Yes, prone to laziness sometimes but he also does do an awful lot.

This problem hopefully is just short term until Easter. Then the youngest will be two and I'll start him at preschool a couple of mornings

And he does work. But it's just a bit ad hoc. He does pay towards things. A large joint debt, expensive food shops (ds1 has an awkward diet due to medical issues), internet, phone bills, his own car maintenance, incidentals

He's doing a part time degree full time and complaining that you're not doing enough. He's taking the piss.

I have done a course like this.
I was also working 3 days. And still doing a lot in the house.

I have been a SAHM (wo a half day of work on the top) and it. Was HARD.

From my POV. He is doing little.

If he says again he has enough, ask him how he is going to cope with childcare on his own...

I would have a look at his. Course description. Mine was saying about 20 hours off work at home. A week..

12 hours each day is him spending time browsing the Internet etc....
He could it. In less time before Christmas

He should be sacrificing sleep if he wants to browse the web study for so long each day. Ffs. At least he should carve out a couple of long breaks for you during the day.

I would be concerned he’s using you as the bill payer and his source of childcare until he finishes this course tbh. I don’t think he’s the Saint you consider him to be.

This.
OP, you need to take the harshest view of this study - that potentially it won't benefit you at all, in the event that he finished study then leaves you when he no longer requires your full time facilitation and childcaring services.

In that event, you will be physically and mentally exhausted from the years of graft with absolutely nothing to show for it.

You need to shine a VERY harsh fluorescent light on your marriage and see what it really looks like.

And prepare yourself. He's not studying all those hours. He's just not.

When I mention an issue to him, he often reacts defensively and with hostility

This stood out for me. I has similar and it's so invalidating and causes you to turn inwardly (depression) or outwardly (aggression). If you are not listened to you will get angry but then that allows him to further lay the blame with you. You feel worse about yourself and he doesn't change anything.

His defensive reaction is to stop you complaining and it works very effectively.

You may need anti depressives but they will be masking the cause. You are exhausted, you need to be listened to, you need your H to stop putting his needs ahead of yours.

Your complaints are valid..a kind husband would listen.
I suspect he is the type of man who always puts his needs first but cleverly wraps them up so you feel its for the family benefit.

My advice, get a blank sheet of paper and write down what you want in terms of balance. Don't factor him into it just paint a picture of what a typical week would look like for you. Then focus on that.

You have to get selfish, not just for yourself but for your boys. They need you to be well and fulfilled. Otherwise they will grow up thinking mum is the stress head whilst Dad is the focussed calm parent with a successful career. Trust me a good parent does not sacrifice to the point of collapse, which is where you are.

A good husband will work with your needs, if he doesn't and avoids implementing what you need then you KNOW he is a selfish man who acts covertly.

There’s a huge tendency on this thread of everyone adopting a binary position, painting him as a selfish, perhaps using the OP whilst he studies, etc. When the OP describes the way she speaks to her DH as abusive, she is reassured that it is not. She should know how she interacts with him; perhaps she is. No one on this thread can really say. And the OP has also described a DH who is studying hard towards a profession. He also quite rightly contributes to the household chores and also cares for their children in the evening. She, herself, admits that she encouraged him to give up work to study yet he is being criticised here for having done exactly that. He even criticised for ‘acing’ his marks by one PP. Surely his hard work will benefit the whole family in the longer term.

No doubt it is incredibly stressful for the OP also. She expresses her frustration towards her DH and anyone on the receiving end is going to respond defensively. It’s called being human. They are both in a really difficult position in a demanding stage of their family life.

I guess the point I’m making is that it is possible to understand the strain that the OP is under without portraying her DH as some selfish insensitive arse which I’m not convinced he is.

What lifebegins50 said.

Of course he’s not threatening to leave, he needs you to fund his student lifestyle

What you have is little more than a cocklodger. Dossing about “studying” and thinking you should be grateful that he filled the dishwasher. Meanwhile you work and do the majority of the childcare. It’s not a fair split, at all. No wonder you sound so depressed.

@Nubianjewess I feel you're making sense to me. I feel I need to sort my head out.

Dh has the boys every morning till 8 so I can get ready. He makes them breakfast and often empties the dishwasher. He goes up at 8 to study.

He's unavailable during the day but then when I go to work at either 2, 3 or 4, he takes over.

I do struggle on the weekends he's away though.

His course recommends 30 hours per week self study plus the lecture hours plus he has had this year 100 clinic hours to fulfill. Many of his course mates are now also dropping to part time or quitting their jobs altogether.

I just need to work out how to handle the strain. I do feel alone. But I think it's me rather than him. I don't know. My head is all muddled