Angry and resentful and I think dh would be better off without me

[HalyardHitch]

I'm angry so much of the time. I feel bitter and resentful. I'm not a nice person any more.

He said he's treading on egg shells and I think he's right. I hate myself.

I have two boys 2y5m and 1y5m. Dh studies mon-fri all day until i go to work at around 4pm. I work till 9pm while he has the boys. He does do the dishwasher, cook dinner, tidy the kitchen.

He's then away two weekends a month studying.

We split the night wakes and early mornings pretty evenly.

We both do minimal cleaning. I do all laundry and hoovering.

I try to be a good mum but really could do better. I feel I don't do enough developmental stuff with them like puzzles. But then the eldest isn't interested as he's hyper.

I don't know how to be a nice person but I hate myself and I imagine DH hates me too. Please help me unpick this

He's not the saint you would like to believe he is. He's getting to do the course he wants and a new career at the end. What will you get for having done the lion's share of the hardest years of childcare? When do you get to do something for you?

Oh lovely, you are trying so hard and I’ve been there - I really do understand the exhaustion. I had two with less than a year between them plus two others and my ex worked away half of each week and shifts...i can really remember a stage at the ages yours are when I was very snappy as when he was in the room it wasn’t making my life easier at all and he didn’t grasp how very hard it all was, how much effort.
So...your husband should accept you cannot quieten things down any more than you do already, if need be he can study at the library or put earplugs in! He needs to appreciate he could not study if you did not facilitate it, he needs to appreciate you and both need to talk calmly about what is making you feel bitter/snap and how to solve it/reduce it.
It sounds like you accept that how you have been speaking has not been nice, that’s honest and brave and I believe you will be able to tone it down if you feel valued and if you get some rest.
These times are brutal but it will get easier slowly. Talk, listen and value each other - but he needs to accept he had it easier, studying is hard yes but nothing like as hard as what you are doing!!!

I'm worried for you. He is away too much and then you have to go to work. I hope you don't split and things get better but say he decides to leave you after he gets his 40k job, you will have funded all of this and done all the work with the children and will get nothing out of it.

You need to think about this properly. If he is dedicated to you for life and you want to fund his career and not your own then you need to just do what you need to which is not to snap. Take a breather first. If it's not that easy then think real hard, what is annoying you so much? Are you feeling the brunt of funding his career? You aren't snapping for no reason.

If I'm honest, this is my feeling exactly.

I could spout on this thread all of the horrible negative things I shout at him on a regular basis but it'll simply reinforce my resentment and anger and further damage my marriage.

In his head, he's supposed to be able to "work" M-F until the point at which I go to work. And then on the weekends he's away he generally tries to get home to put the boys to bed.

He says that every other husband goes to work M-F and the only difference is that he's away at weekends. He says he is also carrying the burden as he works, solo childcare for the boys every evening and then is at lectures two weekends a month.

I say that very few women parent two children with a 12 month age, gap, both under the age of 2.5, M-F on their own, then work evenings and then do half the weekends alone. A couple of my friends complain if their husbands are unavailable for one Saturday as they're working when they have one child and both parents are home every evening to put children to bed and tidy up together

He says life will be easier if we are more organised. I try my god damned hardest to stay organised but my one year old is still a nightmare Velcro baby, although getting easier.

I need to try to unpick exactly what I want from him. I'm not entirely sure. When I mention an issue to him, he often reacts defensively and with hostility. I think because I've spent so long just attacking him verbally that he automatically reacts badly. In my head, I'm thinking that if I can just break this cycle then he'll be able to relax.

He does NEED to do this studying. I can't have him working on minimum wage forever. I want more for my boys than that. They deserve so much better. Also, with him on minimum wage, I'd still be stuck working evenings as my hourly rate is good but we couldn't afford childcare with him on such low pay. The only real difference is the extra two weekends that he's away and the days he's at clinic he's not about for bed time.

I have exams that I want to finish at some point soon. I'm hoping that'll enable me to do some day time freelance hours so I can work around the boys being at preschool. I'm going to start the youngest a couple of mornings next April.

I think I really do need to think about what makes me snap. Dh has some health issues which he's not entirely managed to get under control yet. It makes him tired and he takes the occasional afternoon nap. It drives me nuts. I bring it up for days and days afterwards. Even though I also could have napped on Monday as the boys both slept 12.30-4. However I wanted the mental head space to just sit and be. If I nap during the day, I don't get that mental switch off.

I snap because the dishwasher isn't done. Or because the toddler has pooed in his pants yet again. Or because he can hear that they're both giving me hell downstairs and he doesn't come down to see if we're ok. I snap because he makes himself a coffee for the fourth time that morning, yet half of my cup from breakfast sits cold on the table. I snap because I'm trying to put my makeup on after having a shower and he says "are you nearly ready yet?". I snap because he eats the last sausage. I snap because there are crumbs on the floor and I'm the only one to hoover them.

I snap over stupid stupid stuff. Stuff that I should be able to handle. It's part of being a decent Mum, surely. I just can't seem to handle the nature of toddlers. I try so desperately hard but truthfully, I just want to sit and let my boys play and sit on my phone in quiet. I'm so tired I just want them to not bother me. I don't want to play with them. I don't want to constantly tidy up. The washing is such a massive mountain 24/7 as the 2 year old still has accidents.

I'm ranting. I'm sorry.

I just want to be a better Mum and a less angry wife

OP, I've been in a similar position to yourself. I worked evenings around my DH hours after my second was born. It is absolutely fucking relentless! You are up early with the kids and with them all day. Then you have to go and do a shift at work. I worked in an emergency services control room too.

I got to the point where I was miserable. Absolutely miserable. It was making me ill. I had anemia, I had constant throat infections, lost my voice 5 times in a year before ending up with tonsillitis. I was full of bitterness and resentment because I had absolutely nothing for me. I had no time for me to spend on myself, no money to spend on me or myself. I really was absolutely depressed.

And DH took the brunt of it. I hated him and resented him because of how shit my life was. I loved being home with the kids, but the bad outweighed the good.

When DS were 5 and 3 last year, I changed jobs. I went full time work days mon-fri. Yes, it does cost us in child care now but with one in school and one getting 30 free hours it was affordable for us, just. I am happier. I am able to have time for myself and do things for myself. My self esteem is so much better. My relationships at home have improved.

I'm not sure if my post is helpful or not. But I just wanted you to know that you're not the only one who has felt like this and there is light at the end of the tunnel. Would 30 hours funding or the DC going to full time school make it possible for you to get a day time job before DH is finished his studies?

What about at the weekends? My DH always took charge with the DC on a Sunday so I could at least catch up on sleep (I probably could have done more for myself but was too depressed at the time!)

I started trying to incorporate some more exercise into my routine and see more friends in the evenings. But doing that after I finish work at 8.30/9 was just too tiring. I've injured my ankle now any how

Often one of the weekends per month DH is quite poorly. But when he feels well he is present and available.

I'm hoping once the free hours kick in I'll be able to work days more.
I thought my eldest would have been entitled to the two year funding but we earnt £600 too much last year. Which is a bit of a bummer

He isn't going to be a great osteopath if he hears you getting hell from your children and ignoring it. Has he any empathy for you at all? Does he understand what you are doing? Will you have anything to show in the end when he's done studying? He sounds like an asshole

I remember the stage your at as being the absolute toughest time in our marriage. You are both juggling so much and both on that hamster wheel. I can feel the stree you’re under and strongly advise that you see your doctor and think about starting antidepressants. It sounds like you could be suffering from PND and medication can lift the fog and help you feel less anxious. It may not feel like it now but things will get better but you need to take control. I hope some of what I said helps but most importantly get an appointment with your doctor x

I guess it just makes me sad that I'm at the bottom of the priority pile.

I suppose what I'll have at the end is a husband that earns a decent wage.

I'm hoping to move closer to my parents once he qualifies. We currently live in the SE and will be moving to SW. So hopefully we'll be able to afford something nicer than our 3 bed mid terrace that we have now.

*stress

I'm going to try to see the doctor tomorrow. That's a stress in itself - getting an appointment. Same day appointments only, yet they never let you have an appointment

I should be sleeping. I kicked DH into the one year olds room after he came in here to come to bed. I feel too tired, too sad and too stressed to sleep.

Instead I'm just writing a stupid monologue on a mumsnet thread

He sounds selfish and awful and is doing nothing to help you. I’m not surprised you are angry. Also as if he wants a lot of gold stars for studying. He needs to wake up and smell the coffee.

On a more practical note, can you afford to put both into childcare at the same time for a few hours a week? It could be a game changer.

We earn 17k as a household. Putting my eldest into school for a couple of mornings is massively breaking the bank. I might seriously look into it though.

I'm really conflicted. I think he would strongly argue that he's not being selfish. I'm unsure. I think we're partly victims of circumstance. If he does have to stop for an hour or something during the week though I'm always reminded about how much study time he's "missed out on"

What about what you are missing out on? He doesn’t seem to care.

I think you both need to have a proper talk about your life at the moment. The timing of everything is unfortunate. Did you not talk about this before he took on the course? It's probably better if he can defer for a few years until the DC are older, in school etc. He can then study from home (I'm guessing this is what he's doing now?) around the children?

Jesus christ you are superwoman it must be so exhausting doing as much as you are and the end goal is someone else gets a well paid career out of it. My advice would be this even if my DP works at home all week this does not mean he can do sweet FA. Next time he makes himself a coffee ask him to do you one too. When he makes his dinner can he just wash up the pots once he is done. Ask him to take a break once an hour just for 5 mins to do somethings that helps. Make the beds, put the clothes in the wash, take the bin out whatever. Ask him not to ask you to keep noise down that is unreasonable with children of that age tell him to invest in some earplugs and listen to music to drown it out. Think of anything practical he could do that is reasonable to help. Then set down a rule that on the 2 free weekends Saturday morning is yours. You want a lie in or to go out see freinds whatever. Its one morning out of a months that is reasonable. I would also say that he parents them 4pm till bedtime everyday which is honestly the worst time of the day with small kids so that cant be easy cut him a bit of slack for that.

Studying is a very convenient way to get out of the real hard work of parenting very young children.

I'm confused. If he's doing a part time course it's designed to be done around working - is he not working at all? Is he literally studying 9-5 every day?

17k for the 4 of you in the south-east? Jesus Christ on a pushbike! Are you at least claiming Tax Credits and the like?

Sorry, lovely, but i think your husband is a skiving lazy sponger. If hes only capable of earning minimum wage, and your hourly rate is better, why cant you go full-time and he can drop his hours down, look after the kids and study around them?

Isnt osteopathy like chiropractic or homeopathy? Wouldnt it be better if he spent all that time and effort studying for a proper career?

It was marketed as a part time course. But the number of credits per year are more than a FT degree. I dunno. Personally I think he spends too long studying. But what do I know. He has learnt a hell of a lot and has aced his assignments.

He does mostly tidy up after the boys have gone to bed. Not always. But mostly he's cooked, cleaned up after dinner, tidied the toys away and put the dishwasher on. As well as bath and bed. He says if he does more than that he doesn't get the quality time with the boys. Which I totally understand.

I don't think he'll be prepared to stop studying. Tbf, his student loan is almost the amount he earned per year anyway. It's just the extra couple of weekends.

I'm not putting barriers in to what you guys are saying. I just don't know how we can change it. Personally, I do think starting a new course when you have a 6m old and an 18m old is unfair but I understand why he doesn't want to delay it. Who wants to get up and earn minimum wage when you can study and all but get the same amount?

If he worked M-F 9-5 he would also be unavailable. And then the afternoons I start work at 3 would be difficult

I'm contemplating showing him this thread but I don't think he'll like it. I just want him to understand how tough I find it having the boys on my own so much. I want him to not feel frustrated with me when I feel like I'm not coping.

Oh yeh, we get about 4k per year tax credits which is really useful. My hourly rate is only for evening work unfortunately. I might propose it to him and see what he says - I could work days.

I think osteopathy is a proper career? He's certainly expected to know medically an awful lot. He's unfortunately, with his previous work, a victim of his parents making him believe he wasn't capable of doing more.

He's not lazy. He works hard at what he does. I just wish he was more patient with my struggles

He says that every other husband goes to work M-F and the only difference is that he's away at weekends

This stood out to me. Presumably in this scenario the wife is a SAHM and doesn't also provide all the money?

I'm sorry, but I do not believe a course (degree?) in osteopathy involves full time study 12/14 days. He's interested in the subject, does a lot of reading around it, really gets passionately into it, sure I get it - but that is a luxury it sounds like you guys do not have time for.

You are doing all the childcare and all the earning so he can indulge his interest. That is not fair.

I would say he has to either cut down his study hours (even if that means getting 70% instead of 100%), or he has to admit this course is incompatible with a young family and defers.