Caught partner watching porn

[Booboo30]

So I caught my partner watching porn. I feel extremely hurt, to me it feels like cheating. He's had the need to look at other woman behind my back and jerk off to them. He lied to me too saying he doesn't. I've been trying to get us closer recently and asking him to come to bed with me and he hasn't been (not all the time) and then I find out this. We were trying for a baby and it hasn't been working and I'm not surprised if he's going off on his own.
I just feel if he was happy and satisfied he wouldn't have the need to do this :-(
I'm hurt, angry and upset and I don't want to be anywhere near him now.
Am I over reacting?

I'm just looking back at the OPosts. The OP is making massive leaps about his porn use.

He may not be wanting to come to bed for a variety of reasons. He may not want sex because he is depressed or his libido has dropped. He may not be feeling loved, he may feel that sex has become pressurised and all about making a baby. It may be that his partner is selfish in bed, it may be that he is unable to communicate his needs and would rather wank.

He may just want to stay up and watch to.

The OP needs to talk to him and ask him why. She had mad massive leaps and not given enough information.

Men have all talked about anal. It's another thing to try, regardless of porn or not, it might just be experimental. All she had to say was no. If he keeps asking / pressuring that's an issue but nothing wrong with wanting to experiment. It comes under the same umbrella as dressing up, role playing, being tied up.

I understand the OP is upset but she has leapt straight to he doesn't want to have sex with me and porn has turned him into an anal monster.

I'm always the one giving, I hardly get much receiveing and it bothers me..he's selfish and he knows it we talked about this before.

Try couples counselling if he will go. It does help if both want it to work.

Talk to him. Tell him we need some help communicating with each other. It's difficult to do it on your own sometimes. Even 8 weeks of counselling can help you get some basic tools in your communicating toolkit.

Ahem.

Could I just remind you all discussing anal sex here on Mumsnet that it isn't Friday night yet.

OP, in all seriousness, he sounds shit in bed, ungenerous and unwilling to learn. Life's too short to put up with that IMO.

You're not compatible and I wouldn't be having a baby with him.

I agree he sounds like he's only interested in pleasing himself on every level get rid and get yourself a new toy

@MrMagooooo

But you're not answering my question really.

If you answer yes, you would choose your dp over porn then you are contradicting your statement that men continue to lie and watch porn in secret.

If you answer no, well then you've just proved how damaging porn is to a marriage in that you would choose it over a real life relationship.

Men will always be here defending porn and it's natural use because examining the reality of its usage, possible addiction, PIED, self esteem issues for both the user and their partner, unrealistic expectations, and possible damage to an otherwise healthy relationship, coupled with the business side of things, rape, coercion, drug abuse, trafficking, child abuse, doesn't compete with their own selfishness for a wank at all that expense.

*I'm just looking back at the OPosts. The OP is making massive leaps about his porn use.

He may not be wanting to come to bed for a variety of reasons. He may not want sex because he is depressed or his libido has dropped. He may not be feeling loved, he may feel that sex has become pressurised and all about making a baby. It may be that his partner is selfish in bed, it may be that he is unable to communicate his needs and would rather wank.

He may just want to stay up and watch to.

The OP needs to talk to him and ask him why. She had mad massive leaps and not given enough information.

Men have all talked about anal. It's another thing to try, regardless of porn or not, it might just be experimental. All she had to say was no. If he keeps asking / pressuring that's an issue but nothing wrong with wanting to experiment. It comes under the same umbrella as dressing up, role playing, being tied up.

I understand the OP is upset but she has leapt straight to he doesn't want to have sex with me and porn has turned him into an anal monster.*

Thanks for coming on and mansplaining OP's relationship problems. I'm sure she'll find it very helpful.

@Sadiesnakes Okay. If I am completely honest with you I would tell my partner it I choose her and I would watch it in secret.

My partner knows I watch porn and in 15 years she had never caught me and it has never been an issue in my relationship. Other things have been but never porn.

I gave watched porn, but porn has never stopped me wanting sex with my partner and not come to bed with her. For the purposes of this thread My partner had issues with me coming to bed about 13 years ago but it wasn't about porn. I was sneaking cigarettes and I just didn't want to go to bed, I am a night owl, she's not, so she has had to understand that I like to stay up late and she likes to go to bed early. I come to bed with her and she also lets me stay up late. We are constantly working on what works.

*@Sadiesnakes Okay. If I am completely honest with you I would tell my partner it I choose her and I would watch it in secret. *

Ok the question was hypothetical and thank you for answering.

Your answer still shows the damage porn causes to a relationship because you would be readily willing to lie and deceive your partner to continue watching and the damage that this behaviour causes to a marriage, in the majority of cases, is detrimental. All trust is broken, and can take years to repair if ever.

I'm speaking from direct experience.

@Sadiesnakes Your talking from your experience. Stop projecting or transferring your experience on to me.

My situation is my situation, just like th e OP's is hers.

@MrMagooooo

I'm not projecting anything onto you, I asked a question, you answered and proved what my point was perfectly.

You and your dp might be fine with porn, and that's great for you, but as you'll frequently see here on mn, porn use has all kinds of negative effects on relationships, so just because you say it's ok, most of the women effected by it here say it isn't.

Okay I dont arguments. I'm just confused he said he wants the baby I said I wanted to wait but then I agreed to it. I don't know but I'm extremely depressed and I haven't eaten and I feel sick. It's hard to talk to each other with kids around.

@Sadiesnakes I don't want to take away from the OP's thread but I understand that.

What I'm saying is: if she had a zero tolerance policy to porn then excercise that and leave. Don't try to get the other person to conform to her rules. I hope she can find a man out there with the same values as her and who doesn't watch porn.

Watch it with him. Join in and have some fun together r

@Booboo30 if you are feeling stressed, if you feel you can't talk to him, tell him this and try some therapy. Otherwise it is not going to get better. You need to be able to express how you feel to him and he needs to listen / vice versa.

I think the argument about the industry being harmful is an important one and one I hadn’t given much thought to before mumsnet. However, this argument could be applied to all manners of industry including technology, retail, meat and dairy. If your partner asked you to choose meat or them what would you choose? I personally wouldn’t want to be in a relationship that gave such ultimatums.

I think in this particular situation the industry isn’t what is driving the OPs emotions. It’s that she doesn’t feel comfortable with her partner masturbating and fantasising about anyone other than her.

I think yes porn addition is of course harmful to any relationship, however from my experience any form of addition is harmful, be it gambling, alcohol drugs. Yet many people consume these in moderation and it has no negative impact. I hate that my partner has the occasional cigarette in social situations, but I know an ultimatum is fruitless. He doesn’t do it regularly and he doesn’t do it around me. At the end of the day it is his body and his decision and I shouldn’t try and change that. If I don’t like it I could end the relationship. And I would if he was addicted to smoking (ie smoking full time).

@Maddy762 I wanted to start a separate thread about this. I am really curious to know.

A lot of people talk about how harmful the industry but how can we say that when there is s massive rise in amateur porn, solo and couples doing porn out of their own bedroom.

Are they coerced into it or do they just want to do it and look at it as a way to make some quick money in the short term????

OP if porn makes you uncomfortable then you should not have to explain that, asking someone to stop watching porn IS NOT asking them to stop masturbating, one can happen without the other!

With regards to the anal demands, just refuse. This is a big issue with porn, that and rough oral. Urgh.

DP is a porn addict though I don't think he has watched it since the escalation/discovery some time ago (the difference in our sex life is noticeable) though I no longer care so no longer check - and the not caring isn't a good thing.

IMO ttc when there are issues like like isn't a good idea.

I think the problem is a lot of people who talk about this have suffered first-hand from porn addiction. People on here have mentioned how it has ended their marriages. So of course it’s an incredibly emotive subject. Just as if I went on a gambling support forum and insisted gambling was fun and could be done in moderation such as the grand national, or World Cup final - probably would be met with anger and distress.

He's lazy and selfish... you have every right to be upset.

I agree,

I think my H substitutes our sex life for porn
He works away for weeks
And comes home and makes every excuse under the sun
I found that he had joined a secret group on face book
Videos of women etc
He showed he something in his phone 2 weeks ago and he beRly died as he clicked on google porn hub x 20 pages cane up and so did tinder.
He receives lots of phinishibg enails from dating sites

And has always watched porn

The issue is I feel he substituted it for the real thing

So frustrating

MrMagooooo Out of curiosity, if your dp couldn't accept porn in your relationship, which would you choose? Her or porn?

And the answer is....

“That’s a tricky one.”

WTF’s up with you Magooo?
You have NO integrity. All the little essays your spitting out here on MN in defence of porn have NO credibility after that answer. I wonder how your partner would feel with that answer. Show her and get back to us on that one.

@KrakenUp Whatever.

I don't have to defend anything to anyone. Some are against it and others not. It's not going away anytime soon either. I don't really care about your opinion of me or porn. Just like I wouldn't care if you thought I was a horrible person because I ate meat and you didn't.

It's not a problem in my relationship, it's a big problem in others.

The OP is hurt, I get that but she is blaming porn for the problems they are having and I have seen no evidence of that yet. If he was using it 10 hours a day, didn't want to sleep with her because he would rather watch porn or couldn't get an erection without porn then fair enough but so far porn is not the problem in this relationship from what I can see or the OP has said so far.

Yes, OP, please provide some more details of your sex life for MrMagoo to judge whether porn is a problem for you or not.