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Original poster

Caught partner watching porn

109 replies

Booboo30 · 12/06/2019 07:49

So I caught my partner watching porn. I feel extremely hurt, to me it feels like cheating. He's had the need to look at other woman behind my back and jerk off to them. He lied to me too saying he doesn't. I've been trying to get us closer recently and asking him to come to bed with me and he hasn't been (not all the time) and then I find out this. We were trying for a baby and it hasn't been working and I'm not surprised if he's going off on his own.
I just feel if he was happy and satisfied he wouldn't have the need to do this :-(
I'm hurt, angry and upset and I don't want to be anywhere near him now.
Am I over reacting?

OP posts:
MrMagooooo · 12/06/2019 21:51

If porn bothers you then your relationship is over. He is probably not going to give it up. If he's addicted that's a different matter, if he just used it to bash one out, then I doubt he'll give it up. He'll just do it covertly until you find yourself in this situation again.

If porn bothers anybody in a relationship then you pretty much better end it there,

I'd like to hear stories where s man in a relationship has stopped using porn or at least where you think he has stopped.

If those are your boundaries fair enough but you'll be really limiting your dating pool 😊

Anothernick · 12/06/2019 23:00

Porn is a bit like alcohol - it can become addictive and ruin lives but at the same time many people use it without it becoming a major problem. It's normal for guys to masturbate even if they are in a relationship, but it should not take priority over you, he should only be doing it if you are not there or not interested. I would hesitate to regard passively watching porn as cheating, the real issue here is his reluctance to come to bed with you when you ask. This may not necessarily be linked to his use of porn, don't jump to that conclusion. You need to talk.

Aristotle19 · 12/06/2019 23:02

Read your post OP and really wanted to reach out and offer advice.

  1. Porn is an emotional crutch that men and women use when the frequency or variety of sex does not satisfy them.
  2. Porn is addictive and will cause unrealistic expectations of the sex life within the relationship
  3. Porn will kill a person sex drive for their spouse as they are becoming desensitised

What I would recommend is seeking counselling with your partner because if you talk it out he will lie to hide the addiction, if you force him to stop he will find ways not to and if you finish the relationship because of it then that will cause pain for both of you and I’m sure that’s not the outcome you want.

Having a third party present will cause your partner to talk about why he uses porn, what he gets from it, what he doesn’t get from you and equally you can share your feelings with him. You will also make commitments to each other that you can then review in your next sessions.

ReanimatedSGB · 12/06/2019 23:04

Other than this, what's the relationship like? Does he do his share of domestic work, do you have equal access to money? Is he a good dad to the DC you already have? Does he generally treat you as though he cares about you and likes you - listens to you when you talk about your day, pays you compliments from time to time, enjoys having conversations with you, etc?

broken1982 · 12/06/2019 23:05

Hmm it depends on your personal view on porn I think. You've made it clear that you think it's a form of cheating however I openly say to my husband if he wants to watch it then knock his socks off. I trust him fully and don't think its in any way cheating so I personally think you are being unreasonable but it's a case of each to their own

MrMagooooo · 12/06/2019 23:06

@Anothernick This.

MrMagooooo · 12/06/2019 23:07

@Aristotle19 I do not agree. I think maybe this CAN happen but not with everyone.

MrMagooooo · 12/06/2019 23:11

If he's not going to be watching porn then he will either will (whilst masturbating)

  1. Think of a sexual session he's had with you

Or

  1. Be thinking of something / another woman that turned him on / fantasising.

What do you expect him to think of. His football team scoring a winning goal.

Aristotle19 · 12/06/2019 23:16

@MrMagooooo, your reasoning is correct on what happens in the absence of porn. However your showing nativity by believing it MAY happen. It happens, it’s proven many studies that have been done. The more we play down porn, the more we normalise, the more people will watch and the more relationships will end because of it

mumto2babyboys · 12/06/2019 23:19

Guys it's not just the porn, he is choosing to watch it and wank instead of going to bed with her.

That would break anyone's heart! I'd be hurt by it cos no one needs to watch porn all the time. He could have time off from it and make an effort

MrMagooooo · 12/06/2019 23:22

@Aristotle19 I have watched porn. I won't divulge how much or how little but it has had no effect on my erection when with my partner, no effect on me wanting to have sex with my partner or trying to get my partner to do things that she wouldn't want to do.

I'm not saying it doesn't cause problems and the fact it is readily available for kids is dangerous.

Like another pp said in the wrong hands, like drugs and alcohol it can be very destructive.

MrMagooooo · 12/06/2019 23:25

@mumto2babyboys it is the porn. I asked if he was watching porn and having regular sex with her if it would still bother her. The OP said yes.

Why he is doing that might not be because of the porn. We would have to get him to tell us that or she has to ask him and have a serious chat.

mumto2babyboys · 12/06/2019 23:28

Is it the porn or the anal sex that he wants from her because he is watching that type of porn!

Either way not very considerate of him

Namenic · 12/06/2019 23:54

It’s ok to have your boundaries (mine are the same!). The important point is to negotiate common boundaries with your DP and keep to them - which is part of being faithful. Some people are in open relationships or polyamory but that often has boundaries too.

Perhaps both of you go for a digital detox. Maybe he can get rid of his smart phone and cut WiFi connection? Try and re-connect as a partnership and rebuild trust as opposed to Relationship counselling?

Meowington · 13/06/2019 00:40

In my opinion porn is in absolutely no shape or form cheating. It serves a quick and functional purpose which is ‘to get off’. It’s almost clinical! It’s no reflection on you or his being attracted to you sexually or otherwise.

It does however sound like you guys would benefit from some support to help you communicate better. Perhaps ttc has put him under too much pressure.

As for the wanting anal, tell him you’re game if he is! I doubt he’ll bring it up again!

1forAll74 · 13/06/2019 02:20

This debate about porn will go on forever. But it sure seems to cause a great deal of problems between some couples, and rightly so I think.

By now, you would think that people would be sick of seeing it all over the place.at anytime day or night, a bit like seeing sex scenes on the telly, which has become boring by now. But porn is watched by men and women. and who say they enjoy it.

The problem is the one mentioned by the op, when you can't understand why a partner needs to watch porn,when in a proper relationship. I don't have an answer to that. I have heard many a man in the pub or wherever, discussing various porn films that they have watched, it's like a trading place.as who has seen the best.and most degrading performances on their laptops etc.

I don't care whatever. I just feel sorry for this porn lifestyle,and feel sorry for some women,who have to put up with porno men.

Sadiesnakes · 13/06/2019 05:26

@MrMagooooo Out of curiosity, if your dp couldn't accept porn in your relationship, which would you choose? Her or porn?

MrMagooooo · 13/06/2019 07:25

@Sadiesnakes That's a tricky one. It would be like her saying to me, don't masturbate it's like your cheating on me. Masturbating and porn are kind of natural things to men (not all I'm sure) If it's causing intimacy problems then it's a problem, justblikevbooze, drugs, gaming, hobbies etc

Maybe all these things should be discussed at the beginning of the RL, just like 'Do you want kids'. Porn to me like a pp said is functional and serves a purpose. Luckily my partner does now. I don't rub it in her face and I am discreet.

I could masturbate 2x in a day and still be up for sex with her or sometime I'm not up for it because sometimes it's easier to just masturbate.

I think women are naive to think that a man doesn't watch porn. I'm sure there are lots that don't but just assume he does. I am pretty sure that in the early dating stage if a man was told he wasn't allowed to watch porn he'd be like 'Jog on' or he'd lie.

I would feel my partner was being controlling and insecure to a degree if this happened and I don't like to be controlled in any way.

If it was a porn industry issue then it might be different but then that's also like the meat and dairy industry. Would a vegan date a non vegan. Find someone you are compatible with, put this on a list of your dating questions.

The interesting thing is more and more women watch porn. I don't think a lot of men realise that either so we might have the reverse problem soon.

Anothernick · 13/06/2019 07:26

@mrmagooo I agree. I look at porn pretty regularly but this is not to get off whilst I am watching, I just enjoy some of the images which I keep in mind when I am getting off later, either with or without my wife. Surely all guys fantasise about other women, as long as they only fantasise, and things they have done with their partner are included in the image bank then there is no issue.

TheVanguardSix · 13/06/2019 07:34

The thing about porn is, eventually, they stop having sex with you.
Limp dick for life. You'll be seeing fertility specialists and you'll be 'confused' as to why you can't have another baby. His sperm count will be fine. You'll be scratching your heads wondering, Gee whiz. We conceived number one sooo easily. Why can't we conceive number two?
Nobody will dare question the porn habit because it's an invisible problem.
Those of you who are cool with it and are watching it as a 'together thing' and are 'honest' with each other, good luck. I'm too cynical to believe that your marriages will survive such an iterloper as porn.

MrMagooooo · 13/06/2019 07:45

@TheVanguardSix Yip. That is cynical. I think what you are saying implies to a proportion of men / those with a porn habit.

The strange thing is the Op's partner doesn't like him looking at the same women he will never meet on a porn site.

How is she going to feel knowing her partner is probably fantasising about one of her friends, his boss etc. Is she going to try and control his thoughts next.

mumto2babyboys · 13/06/2019 07:52

@TheVanguardSix

I said the exact thing. I don't consider porn cheating but anyone who has ever had a husband with delayed ejaculation will know how boring it is that they can't cum or take forever to cum, because they can't cum without watching porn anymore

Ejaculation problems do ruin relationships.

Porn use has to be moderated in some way and that's usually what relate recommends, that it's not banned but used within limits

It's also not very considerate of him to avoid going to bed with her and choosing porn instead

Op has a right to be hurt by it and that he wants her to do stuff she doesn't want to do

@MrMagooooo

We get it. You love love love porn and you don't care who knows it, you aren't a teenage boy by any chance are you?

MrMagooooo · 13/06/2019 08:10

@mumto2babyboys It's not about loving porn at all. I am merely expressing an opinion. Don't be so ridiculous.

If porn becomes a problem in a relationship because it is over used then it is a problem and can break apart a relationship and things need to be done.

The OP is assuming he is not coming to bed to stay up and watch porn and even if he was coming to bed and having sex she still has a problem with it.

In that case they are not compatible, just like one hundred million other women on here and around the world. Women are asking men to give up something that may be harmless that they enjoy. It's like saying I don't want you to drink, even though drinking isn't a problem yet but it might be.

Mumofabeauty123 · 13/06/2019 08:57

I am intrigued by all these comments!! I think it's degrading that a man who is meant to be your partner would chose porn over the real thing. I hate the thought of my OH watching porn anyway he knows this but if he wasn't putting out with me I would be wondering why? Does he not fancy me do I not turn him on? We have all sorted ourselves out but nothing beats the real thing surely??

OldAndWornOut · 13/06/2019 09:02

Sometimes masturbation beats the real thing by a mile.
You may as well eat prime steak every single night for the rest of your life (or whatever you consider the best food) and say nothing else beats that.