Caught partner watching porn

[Booboo30]

So I caught my partner watching porn. I feel extremely hurt, to me it feels like cheating. He's had the need to look at other woman behind my back and jerk off to them. He lied to me too saying he doesn't. I've been trying to get us closer recently and asking him to come to bed with me and he hasn't been (not all the time) and then I find out this. We were trying for a baby and it hasn't been working and I'm not surprised if he's going off on his own.
I just feel if he was happy and satisfied he wouldn't have the need to do this :-(
I'm hurt, angry and upset and I don't want to be anywhere near him now.
Am I over reacting?

@Whatisthisfuckery that comment has made my day absolutely apot on!!!!

Whatisthis 👍😅

OP, you both want different things. Why not find someone new, get into a committed relationship (marriage?) where you definitely both want children. Then, fingers crossed, you won't be on a leaky, drip drip thread in a year's time saying your partner has left, has been having an emotional affair with a porn star or the neighbour next door (delete as applicable) and you are now a single mum to a 3 week old baby with no support or income.

This just doesn't sound like a relationship that's doing you any good, OP. It's not just about porn (though I'm afraid your thread is going to get derailed by the usual porn-haters recycling the same old scaremongering, poorly informed bullshit): you're not making each other happy, so knock it on the head as soon as you can.

Porn doesnt bother me whatsoever.

However if my OH was trying to have anal sex with me when we were meant to be etc, I would have questions.

Does he actually want to have a child yet or ever? Seems strange that if he was trying, he'd be 'going that route'.

I dont think porm has anything to do with the problem with your relationship, it appears to be a symptom rather than a cause

Personally wouldn't bother me. My DH and I are still head over heels for each other and are honest with each other about the fact we both watch porn occasionally. We've watched it together a fair few times as well. The fact that we're honest with each other is what matters.

The lying about is isn't ok and porn addiction would be a problem. Sit down with him and discuss your feelings and give him a chance to discuss his. Maybe you could meet in the middle.

Porn is fine until it gives unrealistic expectations in your sex life....which it ultimately does!
I’m pro choice and all that but porn was definitely a contributor to problems in my marriage....pushed for anal sex, rough oral.
How would you feel about softer porn? Could you talk and compromise?

I can't just leave him, we have a child together already.

I think too much porn can ruin a relationship, just the same as too much drink, too much eating, partying, shouting, gambling.
Everything in moderation.

I have nothing good to say about porn. From the exploitation within the industry to the sense of entitlement and unreasonable expectations it sets up in some men, and the underlying misogyny in it. How many blokes watch porn and say, 'well that looked fun would you mind ramming something up MY arse while slapping me around? And yes I know SOME do.
But we all know that the majority of men will find a way of defending it simply because they like it and because an awful lot of people in society do accept it. Only you can decide if you can reach any kind of compromise.

Ah, you have a child with him. Perhaps stop TTC while you work out if the relationship will survive his porn habit? That gives you time to discuss and see if you can compromise.

OP NEVER allow yourself to be coerced into anal sex if you don't want it. This is a porn fuelled expectation, and many women suffer injuries as a result.

I think porn is fine in moderation but not fine because it exploits women,

however it also leaves men with delayed ejaculation and they can't cum without watching it, which then ruins relationships

Delayed ejaculation is really boring to deal with and the pressure to preform like a porn star is also rubbish

Try going to relate to get a 3rd party to help with setting boundaries he has to stick to

Tell him you wanna fuck him up the arsehole first, and do it steam hammer porno style

Oh, and tell him, you can’t get pregnant up your arse. That’s for shitting out of, silly

This ^^^^^

@whatisthisfuckery okay that did make me chuckle!

In the past he asked me to watch it with him and i turned it down, now I am wondering weather I should or not Would it make it worse I don't want to be used as an object to get him off but I feel like this is all my fault. I've put on weight in the last few months and quite honestly today i don't feel like eating. I just want to be skinny :-( I feel like I need to make an extra effort for him

Er, he should be making an extra special effort for you being pregnant, not the reverse

He's doing it everyday ?

He has an addiction.

I use to be engaged to a guy who had a porn addiction and I can tell you that it never goes away. He got lots of professional help and it always went back to him and his porn and that was a time when it was magazines and no internet. I use to blame myself, how I looked, but nothing I did helped him, it was an illness in his brain. It was heart breaking for me, I ended up hating him so much, he ruined so many years of my life.

There are lots of people who enjoy porn every now and then, some share it with partners, some like to keep it to themselves. If it is affecting your life then it is a problem. The thing with porn is, the man will have wanked so much that he can't get it up with his partner, he needs the image in front of him to get excited, he'll try to imagine it in his head but it can and does affect their performance. He is looking for different things because he is seeing it while watching porn, if you are not into it, don't do it, that is not who you are, you don't need to do something that makes you uncomfortable. It's fine if you are on board and willing to try new things. What you could do is watch a small bit with him, and then when he drops his jocks, say "Shit you've really got a small dick compared to those fabulous guys".

But OP you’re already feeling like you need to change your behaviour because he likes to watch women getting rammed up the arse on a computer screen. First it’ll be, ok I’ll watch it with you and see how it goes. Then it’ll be, oh come on love, just try it once.

Why should you have to keep moving your boundaries because he needs to watch porn so badly? There’s a million miles between you putting on a bit of weight and him having more and more expectations about sex influenced by something he watches online. The women he sees online aren’t real to him. The shit and blood and pain isn’t real to him. What he sees and what he thinks he wants is completely different to what would happen if he managed to pressure you into doing anal with him. What does he think is in it for you? Have you asked him this? If he thinks you’d find it enjoyable then it’s only fair he lets you do it to him first. He has a prostate, you don’t, so he’s more likely to enjoy it than you are.

If he wants to wank himself sick watching porn then so be it, but his desperate need to get off to porn shouldn’t mean you have to do things you feel uncomfortable with. If he was snorting cocaine would you feel pressured to try that with him too?

Buy him a copy of Living Dolls book. Hopefully it will shame him enough to realise what a disgusting misogynist he is.

Oh, and your weight has nothing to do with it. He might not want to have PIV but that’s not because you’re a bit chubbier than before. If you bent over and offered him your arse to penetrate he’d have his dick up and his kecks off in a second. It’s not you my love, it’s because normal boring old PIV, that men have been aggressively pursuing for millennia, is no longer sexy enough. He wants some of that unrealistic sex he’s addicted to watching on a screen.

The ''I'm totally cool with this shit and we watch it together" cavalry will come over the hill any minute

What is it with this view that "my way is the only way" sometimes o here?! I am a member of said "cavalry" and happy to be so. I don't criticise anyone else for their opinion - I just differ in my own. It doesn't make me worse - just different in my preferences.

OP if it makes you uncomfortable then it's wrong. If you don't like it then you are perfectly within your rights not to participate or be ok with it.

OP the porn sounds like a symptom of something bigger, TBH. (I am 100% not excusing this behaviour if this is something that is a no go in your marriage btw) TTC can be so stressful but even without TTC having children can also be stressful. You said in your post you are trying to get him to come to bed with you and sometimes he does. Is there any particular reason you want him to come to bed at the same time as you? Are you feeling that intimacy is leaving the marriage?

People will always be quick to judge when they hear one side of a story and it's something they feel strongly about. Only you can decide ultimately if it is a deal breaker FOR YOU. IT might be worth having a frank conversation about intimacy outside the bedroom as well as your sex life with your husband. If you are not satisfied, tell him. Also ask him if he is satisfied. If you want more intimacy, tell him. If he feels he's not ready for another child yet ask him to talk to you about it. If he feels a need to watch the porn he could indeed be addicted and may need help.

At the end of the day relationships are a series of ups and downs, anyone who tells you they got to 50 years without a few bumps is lying. We are all human, communication is key. Good luck x

Just my view but I would not consider porn cheating but I understand how hurtful it is to find him addicted to it and choosing it over you

@mumto2babyboys I completely agree xxx