help me understand my husband

[sleepingstars]

Are there any psychoanalysts out there who can help me understand my husband? Or anyone with good insight who can help me?
My husband is difficult and complex and I have tried to understand and work him out for such a long time now. For many years I tried to change him, and hoped that he would change, but eventually realised that was not possible. And yes, I have also had advice on here to not bother and just leave him... (Threads under another username).
After a very difficult few years and undergoing counselling I think I have begun a little to understand him. I want to separate but it is very hard for me to actually do that right now but it seems inevitable. Our relationship has broken down and I would say we are only really living alongside each other.
I will describe his behaviours and try to explain.
He is easily offended and gets in moods. He has a bad temper and can explode (in his words "I have a fiery temper"). At worst he swears, shouts and bangs tables and doors. In the past he has punched walls and smashed household items. He doesn't have a great sense of humour and struggles to make eye contact. He has rather traditional, conservative values and likes to argue every point. He is very good at arguing and making his point heard. He seems to have an issue with women... he can't stand feminism but will admit that inequality exists but only after a massive debate. But he always has to make a point / have the last word /make a counter argument.
He exhausts me and I feel like it's a constant power struggle.
He is also successful in his career and has produced good results but at times has had relationship problems in the workplace. He demands /expects loyalty and struggles to accept criticism. He has been recognised and acknowledged for the good work he does.. I feel that he brings a lot of it home and I then bear the brunt of it. Often something will be wrong but he will only tell me weeks later and then I will realise what was up.
He gets mad with me if I show disloyalty as he calls it eg if he gets cross with someone and I may try to see it another way he will get angry. maybe he is always right and I'm wrong. I have awful anxiety and some depression and doubt myself so much.
Recently he got too close to a someone he works with - messaging / confiding / kisses and then it ended - I am sure about this. But it has caused a massive problem in our relationship. I feel unable to fully trust him and he is very frustrated about this and blames me for not moving on.
To make matters worse I have recently found out that he is in contact with a former girlfriend - so far flirty emails . I haven't discussed this but he has lied to me about their contact.
He also tells me he still loves me and wants things to work out.
I am completely emotionally exhausted by all this and have discussed with him that we need to spilt up.
he has a good relationship with our children but they are aware of some of his traits.
Can anyone explain his behaviour and mindset?
Thank you for listening.

Does it make a difference op?
He sounds horrible no matter what explanations there are.

He sounds like a tyrant.
That's all.
Nothing complicated; he just likes to have his own way.

Why do you want us to try to help you understand him? Is it so you can stay with him and endure even more of this shite?

Put simply, he's an emotionally incontinent arsehole who treats you like shit.

Your children shouldn’t be exposed to ‘his traits’.

Just leave. Fuck working out why hes doing it. If someone was trying to kill you, you wouldn't ask why, you'd just try to escape. This man is killing you mentally, get out asap.

Maybe he's a narcissist, maybe he's a self centred arse. What do you need to understand? You can leave him because you're unhappy. It doesn't need to be explained.

Don’t waste any more of your life on him.
Bin him or he will break you.

thanks for the comments so far... and a reminder of the harsh truth.
All I can say is it isn't easy to get away but I'm working on it. I am so depressed and cry for much of the time.
I am always seeking reassurance and need others to help me.

What's to understand?
He's a nasty, cheating, misogynistic, shit parent and even more shit husband.
Be kind to yourself and children and leave.

Who cares why he behaves like this? It sounds as though he's bored, frustrated and unhappy. He wants to get out but he's scared, and taking it out on you. Just tell him you're finished.

Maybe there were issues with the way he was parented.
Maybe he has a personality disorder.
Maybe he experienced some events that shaped the adult he became.
There could be valid reasons but they don’t excuse his behaviour and they it definitely doesn’t mean that you should keep trying to understand him or that he’ll become enlightened and change his ways.
Look out for yourself and your dc and do what you have to so you can have a life that brings you more peace and happiness.

That's the trouble with these kinds of partners, you end up being trained to constantly put them, their needs, their 'problems' first, and you lose track of what's normal in the end.
You'll get there though, op.

You are over thinking this relationship.
He is abusive.
Leave him.

Be is a cunt op,

Life is too short to spend it with someone like him.

I think you may benefit from counciling to see how this is affecting you and how to gain the confidence to leave.Your children see more than you realise and it will damage them too as they get older.
Whatever his reasons for behaving this way they are not your responsibility.

Are you having treatment for your depression and anxiety? It sounds very much like your mental health is being crushed by this man. I think if you can break free you'll gradually see a big improvement in your health.
The relationship is literally making you ill. Sod understanding his motivation. Just concern yourself with the effect he's having on you.
You need to split up.

I've asked those questions too Beechview.
He can be good and kind and has obviously held down a job for a long time - all good qualities .... but all the other stuff and a lot I haven't mentioned is too much now and I can't take it anymore. I think I've been more patient than most.

He's a complete knob.

Sounds awful, not sure why you are sticking it out. His mindset is you're a doormat and you seem to be going along with it - better the devil you know?

I have been there done that. Three years post-divorce and don't understand how I stuck it out.

I would guess that he was brought up this way but it doesn’t matter now. He might change certain aspects of his behavior a little but essentially he won’t change. He will stay the same horrible man and he will became worse with age and you will be more exhausted. Go out now.

Good to hear all your thoughts and advice.
The children are grown up now.
I feel like a weak person and am trying to get stronger.
Counselling is helping but has recognised that my mental state is hindering me to make the break. I know I have to get tougher!
My husband says he is sorry and I am holding things back! He sees things in very simplistic terms and is very good at minimising and deflecting. I feel trapped but want to get out. I am so sad and depressed.

Hi op. Your H sounds so similar to mine, except mine doesn't have a fiery temper, he just sulks. A lot. It's so tiring. Your description of how your H always has to be right and argues every point, and holds 'traditional' views also sounds horribly familiar.

I don't have advice. Everyone who says just leave perhaps doesn't understand the full complexity. For me, the negatives of divorce outweigh the positives - at the moment.

Divorce explodes your life, but you get to rebuild without a heavy weight dragging you down. It is sad though, the loss of what you thought and wanted to share.

And I don’t think he’s good and kind, he just feel the need to pretend that he’s good and kind in certain situations for his own benefit.