Are there any psychoanalysts out there who can help me understand my husband? Or anyone with good insight who can help me?
My husband is difficult and complex and I have tried to understand and work him out for such a long time now. For many years I tried to change him, and hoped that he would change, but eventually realised that was not possible. And yes, I have also had advice on here to not bother and just leave him... (Threads under another username).
After a very difficult few years and undergoing counselling I think I have begun a little to understand him. I want to separate but it is very hard for me to actually do that right now but it seems inevitable. Our relationship has broken down and I would say we are only really living alongside each other.
I will describe his behaviours and try to explain.
He is easily offended and gets in moods. He has a bad temper and can explode (in his words "I have a fiery temper"). At worst he swears, shouts and bangs tables and doors. In the past he has punched walls and smashed household items. He doesn't have a great sense of humour and struggles to make eye contact. He has rather traditional, conservative values and likes to argue every point. He is very good at arguing and making his point heard. He seems to have an issue with women... he can't stand feminism but will admit that inequality exists but only after a massive debate. But he always has to make a point / have the last word /make a counter argument.
He exhausts me and I feel like it's a constant power struggle.
He is also successful in his career and has produced good results but at times has had relationship problems in the workplace. He demands /expects loyalty and struggles to accept criticism. He has been recognised and acknowledged for the good work he does.. I feel that he brings a lot of it home and I then bear the brunt of it. Often something will be wrong but he will only tell me weeks later and then I will realise what was up.
He gets mad with me if I show disloyalty as he calls it eg if he gets cross with someone and I may try to see it another way he will get angry. maybe he is always right and I'm wrong. I have awful anxiety and some depression and doubt myself so much.
Recently he got too close to a someone he works with - messaging / confiding / kisses and then it ended - I am sure about this. But it has caused a massive problem in our relationship. I feel unable to fully trust him and he is very frustrated about this and blames me for not moving on.
To make matters worse I have recently found out that he is in contact with a former girlfriend - so far flirty emails . I haven't discussed this but he has lied to me about their contact.
He also tells me he still loves me and wants things to work out.
I am completely emotionally exhausted by all this and have discussed with him that we need to spilt up.
he has a good relationship with our children but they are aware of some of his traits.
Can anyone explain his behaviour and mindset?
Thank you for listening.