help me understand my husband

[sleepingstars]

Are there any psychoanalysts out there who can help me understand my husband? Or anyone with good insight who can help me?
My husband is difficult and complex and I have tried to understand and work him out for such a long time now. For many years I tried to change him, and hoped that he would change, but eventually realised that was not possible. And yes, I have also had advice on here to not bother and just leave him... (Threads under another username).
After a very difficult few years and undergoing counselling I think I have begun a little to understand him. I want to separate but it is very hard for me to actually do that right now but it seems inevitable. Our relationship has broken down and I would say we are only really living alongside each other.
I will describe his behaviours and try to explain.
He is easily offended and gets in moods. He has a bad temper and can explode (in his words "I have a fiery temper"). At worst he swears, shouts and bangs tables and doors. In the past he has punched walls and smashed household items. He doesn't have a great sense of humour and struggles to make eye contact. He has rather traditional, conservative values and likes to argue every point. He is very good at arguing and making his point heard. He seems to have an issue with women... he can't stand feminism but will admit that inequality exists but only after a massive debate. But he always has to make a point / have the last word /make a counter argument.
He exhausts me and I feel like it's a constant power struggle.
He is also successful in his career and has produced good results but at times has had relationship problems in the workplace. He demands /expects loyalty and struggles to accept criticism. He has been recognised and acknowledged for the good work he does.. I feel that he brings a lot of it home and I then bear the brunt of it. Often something will be wrong but he will only tell me weeks later and then I will realise what was up.
He gets mad with me if I show disloyalty as he calls it eg if he gets cross with someone and I may try to see it another way he will get angry. maybe he is always right and I'm wrong. I have awful anxiety and some depression and doubt myself so much.
Recently he got too close to a someone he works with - messaging / confiding / kisses and then it ended - I am sure about this. But it has caused a massive problem in our relationship. I feel unable to fully trust him and he is very frustrated about this and blames me for not moving on.
To make matters worse I have recently found out that he is in contact with a former girlfriend - so far flirty emails . I haven't discussed this but he has lied to me about their contact.
He also tells me he still loves me and wants things to work out.
I am completely emotionally exhausted by all this and have discussed with him that we need to spilt up.
he has a good relationship with our children but they are aware of some of his traits.
Can anyone explain his behaviour and mindset?
Thank you for listening.

You are quite far down the paths then sleepingstars if you have addressed all
of those issues.

Are you having therapy? If so maybe work with your therapist on your goal of achieving a sense of relief and peace.
Who else in RL can you trust to support you to achieve this? Start the conversation - see where it takes you.

Fantasise about your future perfect life 24/7.
And then take little baby steps each day to make it happen:
Research where you would live, go see rental or potential houses to buy. Sort of a dry run.
Look up solicitors one week. Make an appointment the next.

Get the ball rolling.

You could have your happy ever after by the end of summer.

I've just read this and thank you x
you are so very kind

@another20 I am having therapy and my therapist has helped me so much.
I have made my decision that I want to leave but am still struggling to actually do it.
I confide in just a few people around me but none of them feel able to speak to my husband for various reasons - I have asked them. They say either too scared / he will get angry /or no point which I can see.
I've just got to do it myself, but when I feel a bit stronger. I am depressed at the moment and have been for some time.

@sleepingstars, if you want to leave and don't think things will get better, then don't talk to him about it and certainly don't let other people talk to him about it. He will minimise and turn it around like you said before. Keep in mind what you know and keep evidence to look at when you doubt yourself. Read through what you've written here. Take the steps mentioned by other posters and get yourself ready to leave.
Be strong because you can do this.

100% there is nothing to SAY anymore to HIM by you or your friends. You have done decades of this yo no avail.

Lots to say to your therapist and friends - followed by small ACTIONS to move this out of the turmoil in your head to a RL future.

Your depression is him. It will lift 100% and instantly when you move out. It will shift significantly once you decide and take action. You have been through the worst.

Do everything you need to do. Don’t tell him anything.

What single thing do you need to do next?

sleepingstars

What the other respondents have written.

Re your comment:-
"Unfortunately my upbringing and experience of "what to put up with" etc didn't help"

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What sort of example did your parents show you?. I think your upbringing, from the very little you described of it (in the above) played a huge role in you at all being with this man today. This would be an area worth expanding on in therapy too.

Fear of him and fear of the unknown keeps people within such relationships. Keep making small but significant steps to extricate yourself fully from your abuser.

Every bit of mental and physical energy I had would be spent on getting away from this complete asshole. I would not make the tiniest effort at this stage to understand him. What's the point? Wanker covers it. The effect he has on you is all you need. Get out. Stay out. Be glad you did so.

Op - I left a difficult man 2 years ago after 28 years of marriage. It's not easy, I know, but the thing to do is to take small steps, as another poster has said.

I know that for me it seemed like such a massive step to take - I was terrified and very unsure of what to do. Break it down: make an appointment to see a solicitor (see if you can get recommendations from friends); research housing (if it's you who will be moving); look into finances. Etc etc.

Maybe the first and most important thing - write down a timeline of what has happened over the years. This will help you to see everything more clearly.

Good luck. It isn't easy but I'm out the other side now and I can't believe that I put up with his behaviour for so long!!

That’s a great idea Cambi - to have a long master list of all of the shit from over the years. Then you can see the totality and how it has escalated as you have absorbed, tolerated and stayed with each and ever incident. Then you need to ask yourself do I want to I do another 30 years of this - in retirement 24/7 and as both of you age?

Then list out all of the practical things to get done. You or your friends don’t need to tell him anything - he will just get a solicitors letter one day. Do something each day - however little - and by the end of each week you will be amazed when you look back how much progress you will have made and this will make you emotionally strong and propel you on. It won’t be a straight line, there will be bumps in the road but just keep on taking a step along the way.

Someone used an analogy on here a while back which I found helpful - that we are inching along the diving board, looking over, pulling back - but one day we will jump off we don’t have know the exact time and date of when that is but we have to know that it will happen.

Thanks for all your advice. I do have fear about the whole thing but am trying to stick to my resolve. And writing it all down like you say really helps.

I wasted years trying to work out why my now ex husband was the way he was, trying to understand why he was abusive.

Ultimately, it doesn't matter why, because even if I could work it out, it would change nothing. He was abusive, he was a bully, and he was controlling because he chose to be that way.

I chose not to live like that any more. I chose to be free.

12 years on, I still relish that freedom. I breathe it in!

You too can know that freedom, you too can live and breathe!

Stay with us here, get support and advice from us. Know that you are not alone.

Start taking steps to leave. You can do it! And you won't regret it!

Taking small steps is good advice. Hearing all your stories and knowing I'm not alone really helps. Still so difficult though

Yes it is difficult - but maybe look at it as “short pain - long gain”. How more difficult will it be to endure another 30 years (in retirement and possibly ill health) with this man.

What are your first 3 small steps?