Been having problems with my husband for a long time now - sorry if this comes out as rather disjointed. Been together for 20 or so years, married 5, have two children - 3 and 1.
His main copmlaint has always been that I don't give him enough attention. He says he doesn't just mean sex (although I feel it often comes down to that). We have had regular arguements for as long as I can remember about how he needs more. The problem is that I feel like I am already giving him so much - I have always had much more sex than I want to have (my trying to talk about this has never gone well, he doesn't seem to understand why if I enjoy it I don't constantly want it). And up until recently it was always a few times a week. He refuses to kiss and cuddle saying that is the sort of attention that I want, and he gets nothing from it - so if he can't get what he wants, I can't get what I want.
We are now at a stage where I have been told I need to make more effort, as he feels so unloved and unwanted he cannot bear it anymore - so I have to make the effort to make him feel loved. I cannot help but feel hugely dismissive of this, pretty much like I just don't care, because the way I see it I have been doing everything I can for him for so long, to be asked for more is soul crushing.
I can't kiss him or cuddle him, as it means nothing as doesn't count as me trying. He still wants sex, but he needs to be put in the mood first - fine, I get this. Except putting him in the modd requires an entire day (if not more) or leading up to it. Last night, for example, I worked all day - got the kids home - he got back at about 8 after helping a friend (done partially to avoid me). We sat down for about an hour watching a bit of tv (during which time I was talking to him and generally tryingto give him attention - touching his leg etc, whilst not doing any of the things that annoy him). I suggest going to bed - get everything sorted - wait upstairs. When he comes to bed I try to snuggle up to him and I just get a lecture on how I haven't been trying hard enough, he's not in the mood, he just wants to relax and look at his phone for a bit. So I leave him to it. Wake up this morning and he is angry with me for not trying hard enough - I didn't talk to him, I knew he was upset (I did, but I didn't want another lecture/arguement). When I said to him that I was doing exactly what hesaid he wanted, I got told that once again I was trying to justify upsetting him. I should deal with the fact that he is upset first, not try an excuse the fact that I made him upset.
I can't argue with him ever. As far as he is concerned everything he wants is totally ok, and I have no arguement for it because all he wants is to feel loved. I'm not even explaining it very well, I feel like I am missing out so much.
All I want is a bit of time to myself. I get very little. I have spoken to him about it before, and he thinks this is further proof I don't love him enough. I have to call him every lunch or I don't love him. He calls me whenever he is driving anywhere - and if I can't hold a conversation then he gets annoyed. I can't control the children well enough (they behave quite well for him, but even trying the techiniques he does they often won't for me - and I know why this is, but he won't hear it).
At the end of the day I am not making the effort he wants now - I don't want to, I don't feel like I have it in me. I feel like he is out of order for expaecting it from me. But then I think that all he wants is to feel loved and wanted. Should I not at least try a bit. But I'm so tired of it all.