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Relationships

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Original poster

Lack of Sexual Activity

96 replies

LUFC · 07/06/2019 21:27

Hi All,

I am a 34 year old male, my wife is 31 years old and we have been together since 2009. Whilst we were younger we used to do silly sexual scenarios, not involve others but we used to make things exciting, but after a while this put my wife off sex slightly.

Over the years it has felt like my wife has turned the tap tighter and tighter regarding our sex life, i work a lot and whilst i am away i ask my wife to consider utilising technology to be as close as possible, but she is reluctant to do so, even though years ago she was very keen on this method.

When i am home my wife has a night on, night off rule, even though we have been apart for unto 8 weeks at a time. She says this prevents sex becoming a chore for her, i am away from home unto 8 weeks at a time and i cannot understand why it would be a chore, whenever we do have sex she enjoys it and is satisfied.

I am the first to admit we have had our ups and downs, but i have always given my wife attention, bought her gifts and worked as hard as i can to provide for my family. I do not understand why over the years my wife would lose her sex drive. I have explained we are both still young and we should still have a very active sex life and make things exciting.

It is getting to the point now where i feel i have to go on at my wife to get her to have sex, this isn't how i want it to be and it is beginning to really get me down and frustrate me. I have tried talking to her about it and she just blows up and says clearly she isn't enough for me and to go and find someone else who can satisfy my needs. Clearly, i love my wife and do not want to do this.

Any advice welcome.

OP posts:

TurboTeddy · 07/06/2019 21:59

Have I understood you correctly, you work away for 8 weeks and when you're at home you have sex every other day? Sounds like she's explained her reasons but you don't like them because you don't feel the same. You say you go on at her and she feels so inadequate she told you to go and find someone else.

Speaking only from my own experience, there is nothing that will turn me off more than being pestered for sex. Sounds like her sex drive had changed and yours hasn't so you are now mismatched. If nothing changes then the current situation will continue to make you both unhappy.

You clearly need to talk about it and REALLY listen to each others point of view to find a way forward.

SignedUpJust4This · 07/06/2019 22:00

What is a night on night off rule??

SignedUpJust4This · 07/06/2019 22:03

And please don't 'go on' at anyone to get them to have sex. WTF is wrong with you blokes. If you back the fuck off and let her do it when she actually wants to you might find it's much more enjoyable for both of you. No bigger turn off than a bloke expecting/demanding sex simply because you married him.

SignedUpJust4This · 07/06/2019 22:04

Do u have kids?

Sarcelle · 07/06/2019 22:07

I think your expectations are too high. This "rule" would be a turn off to most women. If I was your wife it would make me dread the thought of having sex with you.

HeyThoughIWalk · 07/06/2019 22:28

I have explained we are both still young and we should still have a very active sex life and make things exciting.

Do you mean you explained this to her? Because if so, you're basically telling her what she "should" be doing. Maybe she doesn't feel like it? Maybe she's used to having to put sex out of her mind when you're away, and she's realised she doesn't "need" it all the time.

You need to talk with her, try to find out if there's anything underlying this. For instance, if you have young kids and she's on her own with them for 8 weeks at a time, she's probably knackered.

Singlenotsingle · 07/06/2019 22:35

What does "utilising technology to be as close as possible" mean?
And I'm afraid she just doesn't fancy you any more. Do you look after yourself? Have you put on weight? Are you affectionate without expecting it to turn into more?

Manclife1 · 07/06/2019 22:46

Leave her and find someone your sexually compatible with. Life’s to short.

AriaFitz · 07/06/2019 22:49

I don’t even know where to start with that. I think I’ll just say eurgh and leave it there.

Closetbeanmuncher · 07/06/2019 22:55

She lied to you about what she liked in the beginning. You wanted kink and she went along with it but now resents it and is turned off.

Bluerussian · 07/06/2019 23:00

You've been a couple for ten years, how your wife feels is quite normal for a married woman of that duration. Accept the one night on and one off and make it memorable. Be sensitive to your wife's needs and don't be demanding which is a real turn off.

It would be the same if you were with someone else.

FuriousVexation · 07/06/2019 23:10

@Singlenotsingle
What does "utilising technology to be as close as possible" mean?

"Please use your vibrator to get you to the brink of orgasm so when I get home I don't need to bother with foreplay"

OP she doesn't fancy you anymore, which is hardly a surprise reading through your thread. Pretty sure that even if you looked like Ryan Reynolds, "going on at" someone to beg for sex would be the most vagina-drying thing in the world.

Ugh.

Original poster

LUFC · 07/06/2019 23:14

Thank you for your comments.

Don't get me wrong, i understand my wife can become tired, but i work away 8 months per year, zero intimacy during those 8 months, only during the 4 months i am home for.

The easy option would be to fulfil my sexual needs elsewhere and not pester my wife, but that is certainly not the route i want to take as i know it would hurt her and thats not what i want either.

I have been in other relationships where sex has not really bothered me, but with my wife i have always been willing because it is so enjoyable when it does occur.

The night on night off rule when I'm home is frustrating because i have been away for 2 months and i would think my wife would like to be intimate as much as possible in the 4 weeks together before we are apart for another 2 months.

I understand my sex drive has remained high, and maybe my wife have decreased. I do not like going on, i have even suggested i try and source some medication to decrease my own sex drive as all this is doing is causing us to clash as i want an extremely active sex life, physically when we are together and using other ways together when we are apart.

I just find it hard to deal with that 8 months of the year there is zero intimacy between us and the time we do have together its night on, night off (sex one night and the next night no sex).

Maybe i am just expecting too much, thats why i thought i would come on here to see what people thought. I do not want to upset my wife, i certainly do not want to get my fulfilment from elsewhere as i love my wife dearly.

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 07/06/2019 23:14

Funny how whenever we get a man on here, nine times out of ten he's moaning about sex, or the lack of it.

Givemeamartini · 07/06/2019 23:24

Personally I think you are expecting too much.

My partner also works away 6 month of the year and when he is at home I would absolutely hate to have to have sex every second day because my husband needed it! I’m mid-late twenties too.

I don’t know whether you have kids or not, I do and the only thing I want to do for the first few days when my husband comes home after working away 4-8 weeks is relax and do nothing!

itsbetterthanabox · 07/06/2019 23:33

Desire doesn't work like that.
Maybe look at different jobs. I wouldn't want a relationship with a man I only saw 4 months a year, especially if all he did in those months was pester me for sex.
Why do you want sex with her when she doesn't?

CandleWithHair · 07/06/2019 23:33

If you can’t see what the issues are just by reading your own post back, you’ve got no bloody hope mate.

Your wife’s sex drive is not like a bloody mobile phone contract where your ‘unused’ shags while you’re away get rolled over so you can use them all while you’re home. And I completely echo all the PPs above saying there is NOTHING less sexy than a men who nags, cajoles and pesters for a shag.

LizzieMacQueen · 07/06/2019 23:43

8 weeks or 8 months? Conflicting posts OP.

barryfromclareisfit · 07/06/2019 23:44

Just reflecting here. So many posts by men are written in exactly the same style. I wonder why?

OutComeTheWolves · 07/06/2019 23:54

Obviously I don't know the dynamics of your marriage, but one of the most frustrating things I found with my exh was he saw lack of sex as the problem and I saw it as a symptom of our problems.

So his solution to the problem of lack of sex would obviously be to just have more sex. Whereas I felt that if he helped me out more around the house and with the kids during the night, then I'd have more energy for sex. And if he was more affectionate with me outside the bedroom & actually talked to me, then I would have felt more connected with him and would therefore have wanted him more.

Ultimately, he preferred his way of seeing things though because there was no onus on him to change anything, just extra pressure on me to give even more than I already was.

The question you need to ask yourself is have you came on here to find out how to convince your wife to sleep with you more, or do you genuinely want to help find a solution to your (joint) problem?

user1479305498 · 07/06/2019 23:58

CandlewithhHair. - fantastically well put. It just isn't like this OP, that's not how most women's libido works. It isn't some kind of savings bank where she has to pay out because you are back. There is also nothing less sexy than the feeling a bloke constantly is interested just for sex, I would say with this attitude think you are very very lucky to be on every other day and not every other week at best, and if you think you had better find someone who wants to be constantly feeling like that when you are back and with young children too -- good luck with that, think it might not be quite that easy

TurboTeddy · 08/06/2019 00:03

8 weeks or 8 months? Conflicting posts OP.

I think it's 8 weeks away and 4 weeks home so the 8 months is cumulative over the year.

motherofcats81 · 08/06/2019 00:41

Every other night is quite a lot! Especially if you have kids - do you OP?

My ex worked away about as much as you and it was a nightmare. I think you need to acknowledge that you are the one who goes away to a different environment and then comes home and wants everything you've missed, but to her she just goes on and on in the same place, taking care of everything at home with no help and to be honest probably gets quite used to being ostensibly single and without sex. Then suddenly you come home and aren't working (yet her daily routine continues the same) and you want to take up every bit of her time and energy. And she feels like she has to drop everything and service your every need.

It's a horrible position to be in as the one that's left behind, I can tell you, and the one that goes away often IME tends to think that it's them that's hard done by and then 'deserves' all this extra attention when they are home. I could be projecting here, but tbh from your post I don't think I am really. I think you really need to consider the effects of your job and lifestyle on both of you, and yes, lower your expectations.

Pinkybutterfly · 08/06/2019 02:56

I intimate with my partner everyday if possible. When I or him are away from each other we do it several times if in the same place. I think there is a bigger problem here. I believe or either you have some issues going on in Ur relationship or you are not communicating effectively. Have you ask her what she really likes/ want? How lonely she feels all that time alone? Maybe she will appreciate to lie down next to you chatting and cuddling without all you wanted from her was sex. If I was you I would be a bit frustrated too, o wouldn't like to have to make an appointment to love my partner but álso I think you are missing some information she is telling you good luck

SkinnyPete · 08/06/2019 03:14

I can tell you, and the one that goes away often IME tends to think that it's them that's hard done by and then 'deserves' all this extra attention when they are home.

Why should love and attraction be any different when your partner returns home? Unless something else has changed?

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