Lack of Sexual Activity

[LUFC]

Hi All,

I am a 34 year old male, my wife is 31 years old and we have been together since 2009. Whilst we were younger we used to do silly sexual scenarios, not involve others but we used to make things exciting, but after a while this put my wife off sex slightly.

Over the years it has felt like my wife has turned the tap tighter and tighter regarding our sex life, i work a lot and whilst i am away i ask my wife to consider utilising technology to be as close as possible, but she is reluctant to do so, even though years ago she was very keen on this method.

When i am home my wife has a night on, night off rule, even though we have been apart for unto 8 weeks at a time. She says this prevents sex becoming a chore for her, i am away from home unto 8 weeks at a time and i cannot understand why it would be a chore, whenever we do have sex she enjoys it and is satisfied.

I am the first to admit we have had our ups and downs, but i have always given my wife attention, bought her gifts and worked as hard as i can to provide for my family. I do not understand why over the years my wife would lose her sex drive. I have explained we are both still young and we should still have a very active sex life and make things exciting.

It is getting to the point now where i feel i have to go on at my wife to get her to have sex, this isn't how i want it to be and it is beginning to really get me down and frustrate me. I have tried talking to her about it and she just blows up and says clearly she isn't enough for me and to go and find someone else who can satisfy my needs. Clearly, i love my wife and do not want to do this.

Any advice welcome.

A man could blitz my entire house till it sparkled but if I knew he was only doing it so I’d put out later, it’d have the opposite effect.

If he was the type of person that did it just because it needed doing, I'm sure that would have a positive affect. Not that that would be the intention.

OP, you need to work on yourself, not your wife. Stop using sex as your own validation. Get all the shit done at home because it needs to (and that means do your own laundry, hell, do it all)

Be fun, not needy. Have a plan, pay attention. There's a world of difference between paying her attention and hanging around hoping sex happens. And if it doesn't happen, blow it off like it's OK, because acting like an upset child is hugely unattractive.

Women do not want their DPs to be an additional child they have to look after both physically and emotionally.

Is she actually pregnant? I don't see that anywhere in this thread, nor the two kids bit, some posters have suggested another thread? But OP does seem to have questioned the pregnant bit?

If she is, then take it from another pregnant woman, you are lucky to be getting it at all! Men really do not understand how awful and exhausted women feel while pregnant, esp if there are other children to look after too.

Thank you for all taking the time for your comments and feedback, i appreciate your honesty, positive and negative. It gives me something to measure against, its great getting the feedback so i know which path to take.

I will take the comments and advice on board and i will make the required adjustments and hopefully it will improve things.

Again, thank you for taking your time to respond. I have discussed various points with my wife and she has agreed to speak about where things can be improved once i am back home.

I think one of the main takeaways from this is that i need to learn to not just turn up at home and expect intimacy straight away, i think the male mind works different to a female mind, but i clearly need to understand the female mind better.

I will keep you updated how things go in the near future. What a fab community.

“i think the male mind works different to a female mind, but i clearly need to understand the female mind better”

This attitude is part of your difficulty - your wife’s reaction is less to do with being a woman with some mysterious “female mind” and more to do with being a human who wants to be treated with respect and you need to see her that way. She’s a whole person and not just a woman-shaped object that fulfils services to you.

However, given that you are avoiding addressing the fact that on another thread you have mentioned she is pregnant, I agree with those who are not sure that you are posting in good faith

I would like to add that in all your posts LUFC, you have only mentioned once, in a throwaway sentence about I also try my best to make my wife feel good, yes we do have children who keep her busy, but i have told her we need to make more time for one another too.

You have given us no information about how many kids you have, how old they are, whether your wife works ie how bloody knackered your wife is. She has to get on with all this for 8 weeks at a time on her own.

I think she is wrong to not discuss the issue with you but you do sound very demanding and thoughtless.

I bet if you came home and made her feel special and did loads around the house and didn't mention your needs, then the poor woman might be able to relax, recharge and maybe, just maybe, be in the mood for real.

Remember you are away for eight weeks just looking after yourself. She has a completely different experience.

Thank you for your advice. As stated previously, i plan to make the required adjustments to improve the situation and make my wife feel much better.

When i work away i actually work in hostile environments protecting unto 21 international clients. Part of my job is to keep them alive, so i too have a stressful 8 weeks.

Good god you sound charming -_- maybe she just doesn't want sex everyday, i dont want sex everyday whether i've seen my husband everyday or one week a month.

I really don't want to offend you OP but the tone of your posts makes you come across as really superior and slightly robotic. Is this how you act around your wife? Slightly patronising, always impeccably calm, over-the-top polite and just altogether better than her?

This aside, just think what exactly are you adding to her life? If you're never there as such? She's effectively a single mother who,on top of everything else, has to perform sexually on your demand when you grace her with your presence.

I understand it takes two to tango and we only know what you told us.

“The research, by Duke University, also showed pregnant women were endurance specialists, living at nearly the limit of what the human body can cope with.”

www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-48527798

Just saying

God, your poor wife has had to create an ‘every other night’ rule so that you don’t pester her every single day.

Not surprised people are hostile around you.

@LUFC. Sounds like we work in similar environments, places and circumstances. I would never, and have never, expected this from my husband! I don't think stress is ever a reason to sexually pester someone or pressure them into a situation where they feel as though sex is an obligation!

I know the sort of work you do OP, I have worked in a similar area myself. No one is saying you don't have a stressful eight weeks, but you are nevertheless away, on your own, doing something different and then come home and are on downtime rather than your normal work life. Your wife is same old same old all the time and the only difference is you come back and expect all your needs to be met because you deserve it after your "stressful eight weeks". You acknowledge you have children though you refuse to say how old, and if it is true that your wife is also pregnant she must be absolutely on her knees. And instead of mentioning anything about how you try to take the load off for her or make up for not being around for your kids after having been away for eight weeks, you just talk about how you want to get as much sex in as possible and once every other night is not enough (!!). It's not about understanding "the female mind", it's about recognizing what she is dealing with too, and her needs.

I strongly advise you to consider changing your job as it probably will destroy your relationship. And also to do some reading about how pregnant women actually feel - PP has it right with that study about being at the "limits of human endurance", you are effectively a host for something which is drawing on everything you have and leaving you with nothing, and now she has you "going on at her" for sex too.. give the poor woman a break.

OP, why the “Pregnant?”

In my world, “married with two children and another on the way” means...pregnant.

He can't keep his story straight. This is only his second ever post it would seem.

Pester or sulk? Is that your approach?

Also get it into your head your wife does not like the whole skype intimacy and has NEVER done.

Don't think she appreciated the 'silly sexual scenarios' either.

I find the phrase “silly sexual scenarios” rather chilling. Sounds like downplaying to me

"as really superior and slightly robotic"

Maybe English isn't his first language? His English is very good, but perhaps he can't express nuance properly? If you read his explanations he doesn't seem as bad as he does just from reading his first post.

As for his job, whatever it is somehow has to do it. Should such jobs only be open to single people? Surely he and she can adapt?

Candlewithhair yep you got it right, I didn't mean it like that, only that if his wife's shattered and he's sat on his arse whilst she's not putting her feet up that would cause more resentment and in my case I wouldn't be up for sex.

Sorry but when a man uses a word such as “facilitate” when speaking of his wife and the mother of his children I can totally understand the comments regarding him being cold and robotic. Your marriage is not a business negotiation. Nor should the precious time you have together be determined by a “to do” list that only seems to benefit you and your needs