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Original poster

Lack of Sexual Activity

96 replies

LUFC · 07/06/2019 21:27

Hi All,

I am a 34 year old male, my wife is 31 years old and we have been together since 2009. Whilst we were younger we used to do silly sexual scenarios, not involve others but we used to make things exciting, but after a while this put my wife off sex slightly.

Over the years it has felt like my wife has turned the tap tighter and tighter regarding our sex life, i work a lot and whilst i am away i ask my wife to consider utilising technology to be as close as possible, but she is reluctant to do so, even though years ago she was very keen on this method.

When i am home my wife has a night on, night off rule, even though we have been apart for unto 8 weeks at a time. She says this prevents sex becoming a chore for her, i am away from home unto 8 weeks at a time and i cannot understand why it would be a chore, whenever we do have sex she enjoys it and is satisfied.

I am the first to admit we have had our ups and downs, but i have always given my wife attention, bought her gifts and worked as hard as i can to provide for my family. I do not understand why over the years my wife would lose her sex drive. I have explained we are both still young and we should still have a very active sex life and make things exciting.

It is getting to the point now where i feel i have to go on at my wife to get her to have sex, this isn't how i want it to be and it is beginning to really get me down and frustrate me. I have tried talking to her about it and she just blows up and says clearly she isn't enough for me and to go and find someone else who can satisfy my needs. Clearly, i love my wife and do not want to do this.

Any advice welcome.

OP posts:
Scott72 · 08/06/2019 03:35

You've stuck your foot in it here by suggesting that giving money and attention to your wife should entitle you to daily sex when you're home.

But nagging your wife for sex simply isn't going to work, and is going to do more harm than good. Saying she owes you daily sex isn't helpful either.

Her feelings towards you have cooled a bit - this happens even in fairly happy relationships. You should probably accept sex every couple of days or so is actually pretty good, and stop pressuring her. And perhaps see a counsellor.

Windmillwhirl · 08/06/2019 03:38

Stop pestering. Even the word pestering makes my skin crawl.

She's not up for it as often. If you can't live with that, it's time to talk about your future together

SignedUpJust4This · 08/06/2019 04:13

You won't answer the question but apparently you've got 2 kids and another on way. I'm amazed this poor woman agreed to shag you 3 times at all. I call BS

ApplesOrangesPears · 08/06/2019 04:19

Ugh. You sound so creepy and entitled. Your wife doesn’t have to have sex with you if she doesn’t want to. Deal with it.

purplecatt · 08/06/2019 04:41

Gross. She doesn't want sex every day and she doesn't want to be pestered. Try showing her some respect and actually listening to her. She's a person and entitled to body autonomy. She's not a hole for you to stick it in.

I bet she loves when you're away as she doesn't get you leering and creeping all over her.

MsDogLady · 08/06/2019 05:00

According to your comments elsewhere tonight, you have 2 children and your wife is pregnant.

You are gone 8 weeks at a time, leaving your wife to shoulder all of the responsibilities. She is likely totally exhausted. When you come home, you push her and make her feel inadequate for choosing to have sex with you every other night.

Why do you feel entitled to disrespect her choice and pressure her to consent to more?

SignedUpJust4This · 08/06/2019 05:07

Or could it be 8 months? Make up your mind

Sadiesnakes · 08/06/2019 05:14

9/10 times the only thing a male posts on mn is complaining about lack of frequent sex from some poor worn out dw, usually with small children and all the shit that go's with bringing up a young family.
Makes me wonder do men ever think of anything else but their cocks?🤔

RiversDisguise · 08/06/2019 05:30

Are you telling me you don't know how to wank?

I find that hard to believe.

blackcat86 · 08/06/2019 05:49

Take a moment to re-read what you have written. You do not detail a single change that you are making, only that you are nagging your wife for the level of sex you would want. This would drive me to divorce. It sounds like you'll happily bog off to work away for 8 months but when you return want a lot of on tap sex. Surely spending quality time together should be the goal? You're ovely focused on sex which is such a turn off! Have you thought about couples therapy, spending more time together, getting a job closer to home? If you are unhappy then you need to be working on solutions not pestering you're wife.

TemporaryPermanent · 08/06/2019 05:53

You're probably never again going to get sex every day. I know there are a lot of people who would like this but come on. Sex every other day is a very very high level of sexual activity, way above average. There IS no lack, none at all.

I'd agree that you need to listen to your wife who is telling you loud and clear that she enjoys sex every other day but wouldn't enjoy it every day. Why do you want her to have sex she wouldn't enjoy?

I personally do love text sex and exchanging pictures, which I'm guessing may be what you're thinking about. However, what I'm not hearing from you is any information about what your wife does while you're away. Does she masturbate? what are her fantasies? does she simply not think about sex? does she prefer sport, dancing, music? celebrity crushes? is she into pictures or like me does she get aroused by sound and words? Where is the female person in this?

HerSymphonyAndSong · 08/06/2019 05:57

“Use technology” is about her performing on camera, isn’t it? Not surprised she has said no. She must dread you coming home to pester her in person after eight weeks of pestering over the phone

Phoningliz · 08/06/2019 05:58

It is getting to the point now where i feel i have to go on at my wife to get her to have sex

You know that there are words for this kind of behaviour, right?

RantyAnty · 08/06/2019 05:59

9/10 times the only thing a male posts on mn is complaining about lack of frequent sex from some poor worn out dw, usually with small children and all the shit that go's with bringing up a young family.
Makes me wonder do men ever think of anything else but their cocks?🤔

I've noticed that too. The only threads I see male posters on is about sex or if someone said something about how men behave. Their "not all men" posts

I can't say I've seen a male poster on a normal thread offering support or advice to a woman.

So yes, I think that most only care about their cocks and what's in it for them.

supersop60 · 08/06/2019 05:59

Oh dear, OP. You come across as selfish and entitled.
It sounds like all you want is sex, and pestering your wife for it is DEEPLY UNATTRACTIVE. And you have a RULE for one night on/off? Yuk.
What else do you look forward to when you come home? spending time with her, having a laugh, spending time with the DCs, doing some chores so your wife can have a break.
Trust me - the desire for sex starts in the kitchen.

HerSymphonyAndSong · 08/06/2019 06:03

I think she has imposed the night on / night off rule rather than him - presumably in the hope that it would give her a break from the pestering. But it still means she is likely to be having sex she doesn’t want

StarlightLady · 08/06/2019 06:44

Ditch your virtual rule book. Good sex is quality sex, it is not on a timetable. It depends on passion and emotions.

I’m in my 40s and generally, I enjoy sex 2 or 3 times over a weekend but not often at night either. I rarely have sex in the week because I get too tired from work. I would hate to be on a timetable.

Try sugesting some variety too, for example oral only sessions. But the important thing about sex is passion, spontaneity and feeling wanted which is very different from feeling used.

GummyGoddess · 08/06/2019 07:04

When you're back, you're on leave from your normal life. Your wife is not. She's still tired, running around after dc, pregnant, same environment.

Original poster
LUFC · 08/06/2019 07:14

Thank you for your feedback. I apprieciate it.

I have read and digested all comments and i have come to the conclusion that the best way forward is for me is to just stop speaking about sex to her, stop asking her for sex and to just go with the flow and wait for my wife to instigate it. I know with this i risk my wife thinking i would be getting it from elsewhere, which would not be the case, but it would provide her with the space, even though 8 weeks on her own each time is enough space i feel.

Part of my problem is my wife and I unable to interact sexually when i am away. We used to use ways like Skype etc, but as years have gone by it became less and less until it stopped. I have spoken to my wife about this topic, and i she tells me she does not like going on Skype to have some intimacy and she never has done.

I am trying to be an understanding husband, i do not want to put additional pressure on her, but i also want us to share intimacy together. It is ashame that we are 34 and 31 and the fun intimate times years ago have faded to the point where i feel as though i am pestering my wife, it should not feel like this, but whenever i try and speak to my wife about it all i get is " I clearly cannot provide you with what you want so go and find some slag who will " excuse the language.

I am not a husband who is home everyday expecting sex every night, far from it. I work away 8 weeks at a time, like to express our intimacy together via Skype etc when i am away, maybe once per week or even once every couple of weeks. Then when i am home i see the 4 weeks together as an opportunity to physically make the most of our time before we are apart for another 8 weeks.

I know when my wife wants to be intimate she can be the best lover in the world, she really does blow my mind sometimes, for a woman to make a man feel so good i know i am a lucky man, no other woman has ever made me feel the way my wife does. I also try my best to make my wife feel good, yes we do have children who keep her busy, but i have told her we need to make more time for one another too.

Whenever we have the rare days out on our own when she has booked time off work, we get on very well and its something i know we do not do enough of.

I have made my decision to stop pestering her, and if she wants to be intimate she will. I have spent many years trying to to show her affection which a lot of wives complain there husbands do not do.

Again, thank you for your advice and for taking the time to involve yourselves in this thread.

Have a good weekend.

OP posts:
GummyGoddess · 08/06/2019 07:19

If she works as well that's another stress on her. I know you're taking suggestions on board, but would you consider counselling? It's to help resolve issues, Not just for failing relationships.

RiversDisguise · 08/06/2019 07:20

i have come to the conclusion that the best way forward is for me is to just stop speaking about sex to her, stop asking her for sex and to just go with the flow and wait for my wife to instigate it. I know with this i risk my wife thinking i would be getting it from elsewhere, which would not be the case, but it would provide her with the space, even though...

So you plan to go from full on sex pest to playing hard to get? Withdrawing affection?

I can't bear men who play games.

Just treat her with respect and decency. That's sexy.

Disfordarkchocolate · 08/06/2019 07:20

Bloody hell OP if this is how you communicate with you with she must feel like a sex doll. Nothing in your post shows that you love or respect your wife. Your posts make me feel repulsed.

Nottheduchess · 08/06/2019 07:20

So you want your wife to have sex with you when she doesn’t want to? You know what that’s called right?
What you need is for your wife to want to have sex with you, there are many ways to get to this point but nagging and pestering are not one of them. Lay off the pressure, you are away for 8 weeks at a time. She is a single parent for 8 weeks, doing everything, every meal, every school run, every house clean. Dealing with children’s tantrums, sickness, bedtime routines. If she is ill it’s still on her. Then you come back like the returning hero and expect sex? Fuck that for a laugh. She probably feels very resentful and that is not the way to a great sex life.

Giraffeinabox · 08/06/2019 07:29

You're going to get a bit rinsed for this, OP. "Oh look, another bloke moaning about lack of sex". I have no advice for you but for what its worth, i see where youre coming from and agree with you. The night on night off rule would make it feel more like a chore than spontanious if you ask me so i dont really understand that. Have you tried starting things on a night off day to see what she says? If the response is "we did it yesterday, you know the rules" i would personally pair thisnwith no interest while you are away and wonder if theres something else going on here. Shes 31 so most likely not menopause. Sorry to put this in your gead but with so sure set rules, i would wonder if shes gettong her kicks elsewhere while you are away. I dont know anyone who is so regimented like that. If there was no rule and she was just saying no more times than you would like then i would say you have some unrealistic expectations but the set rule rings alarm bells with me

diplodoco · 08/06/2019 07:38

You're not really listening op. She works, she's got 2 little kids and she's pregnant Jesus Christ give the poor woman a break! You get to swan off with no responsibility except yourself for 8 weeks and then come back to HER routine and demand sex. Having sex with someone every day for 4 weeks with 2 small children and being pregnant is bound to be a chore. She must be bloody knackered. Do you do anything when you get home or do you just expect her to run around after you? You're SO ENTITLED.