Lack of Sexual Activity

[LUFC]

Hi All,

I am a 34 year old male, my wife is 31 years old and we have been together since 2009. Whilst we were younger we used to do silly sexual scenarios, not involve others but we used to make things exciting, but after a while this put my wife off sex slightly.

Over the years it has felt like my wife has turned the tap tighter and tighter regarding our sex life, i work a lot and whilst i am away i ask my wife to consider utilising technology to be as close as possible, but she is reluctant to do so, even though years ago she was very keen on this method.

When i am home my wife has a night on, night off rule, even though we have been apart for unto 8 weeks at a time. She says this prevents sex becoming a chore for her, i am away from home unto 8 weeks at a time and i cannot understand why it would be a chore, whenever we do have sex she enjoys it and is satisfied.

I am the first to admit we have had our ups and downs, but i have always given my wife attention, bought her gifts and worked as hard as i can to provide for my family. I do not understand why over the years my wife would lose her sex drive. I have explained we are both still young and we should still have a very active sex life and make things exciting.

It is getting to the point now where i feel i have to go on at my wife to get her to have sex, this isn't how i want it to be and it is beginning to really get me down and frustrate me. I have tried talking to her about it and she just blows up and says clearly she isn't enough for me and to go and find someone else who can satisfy my needs. Clearly, i love my wife and do not want to do this.

Any advice welcome.

"So you plan to go from full on sex pest to playing hard to get? Withdrawing affection?"

Stopping asking for sex and allowing her to initiate isn't really playing hard to get or withdrawing affection. But it won't work. If OP read more relationship forums he'd see that, but with his job he wouldn't have the time.

Firstly, he still really wants sex with his wife. That desire is going to still be there, simmering under the surface. Frustration and resentment is going to creep in between them (even more so than now). Secondly, she would had little or no experience in having to initiate sex. Expecting her go from zero to all the responsibility for initiating sex overnight is too much of an ask.

I can sense your frustration OP. But your wife is frustrated too. You need to talk, really really talk, so you can work out compromises, so when she refuses sex or you initiate when she doesn't want to it doesn't cause resentment. This is why seeing a counsellor would be good, as hopefully they can facilitate this communication.

I understand where a lot of you are coming from, but if i did not want to facilitate my wife then i would not have come on here to ask for some advice. I understand it is not all about me, i fully understand my wife has a busy schedule. I am 100% certain she is not getting it from else.

The fact is, i want to find that happy medium, where she is happy and i am happy sexually. Granted, my sex drive seems much higher than hers at this point in our lives. I have tried talking to her countless times regarding the topic, but i always hit a brick wall as she does not like to talk about it and i just get told if i don't like it then i know where to go, so its not even as if i can sit down and discuss it with her properly as it just irritates her which ends up in an argument.

I am much more understanding than most blokes, but it is even beginning to get me down, then my wife asks me why im feeling down. I do need more intimacy in my life but i am not willing to go elsewhere, i would never hurt my wife in that way. This is why i am trying everything to improve things with my wife.

I know it sounds like i am just there nagging my wife for sex, but this is not the case, for example, in a 2 month period i mentioned the subject once. There was zero intimacy, i was away and i asked us to go on Skype to have some fun, she said no and i left it at that until i got home.

So it is not like i constantly nag her about it, as i know that would be counter productive and would not make her feel nice.

"You get to swan off with no responsibility except yourself for 8 weeks"

Yeah he comes off as entitled, but on the other hand you make it sound like his job is a relaxing paid holiday. I'm sure its not, and he really does miss his wife and children when he's away. Although you're right that he does need to thoroughly appreciate all she does when he's away and really let her know how much he appreciates this.

Pregnant ?

WTAF! Me, me, me! Your sex life with your wife is a joint enterprise, not something that’s just about you. Her every other night appears to be a compromise from her side, I’m sure she’d probably would do it less but does it to shut you up for five fucking minutes, I’m getting the rage now. Despite her comprise it still isn’t enough and you feel the need to make her aware of her performing monkey deficiencies. You sound like just another demand on her time and energy; cook, cleaner, chauffeur, administrator, web cam girl, prostitute etc.

You appear to be lacking empathy, so let me break it down for you. Essentially your wife is a single parent for 8 months of the year. There is no down time to being a single parent, you are always on call! Libido changes over time and circumstances yet you appear to think that it shouldn’t. Intimacy is more than just sex and I can imagine being expected to perform on cue gets in the way of that for your wife.

The easy option isn’t to seek sexual gratification elsewhere, it’s to stop thinking with your penis and start thinking about your wife in terms other than a permanently on call wank orifice. If you have the use of your hands, then use one of them.

Your sense of entitlement would put a dampener on most libidos, I think your wife has shown great patience, which I hope to God she loses pretty damn soon, in order to protect her MH.

So for 8 weeks at a time she's got everything in her, then you come home and expect her to give you sex every night because that's what you deserve??

How much of the housework and childcare do you do when you're home? How many nights do you cook, bath the kids, do bed routine whilst she goes out with friends?

I have made my decision to stop pestering her you know there's a name for it when you basically coerce someone into sex against their will, right?

So it sounds like you expect sex every day when you are home?

Honestly that is a turn off also considering your other sexual demands on her. She doesn't see you for 8 weeks then when you are home, you are badgering her for sex all the time.

What is she to you? A sexual object?

She most likely enjoys the times you are not there tbh.

Do you love your wife OP? Do you have a laugh together? Do you go out together with your children and spend time to get her as a family and as a couple enjoying each others company? Or is your relationship just based on sex? You've not mentioned at all if you actually like your wife. If you get on together. It you enjoy each spending time together.
If you talk to her the way you've been coming across in your posts I can see why she doesn't want to have sex with you. It's repulsive. She's a person with feelings and emotions and personality. Not just a sex bot there for your pleasure when and where you want it!

So let me get this straight....

So because you're choosing to do a job that takes you away from home for eight months a year you feel like you deserve/should be rewarded by unlimited sex when you are home regardless of how your wife feels?

Just treat her with respect and decency. That's sexy.

This

Your poor wife has instigated a ‘night on, night off’ rule because you expect sex every day otherwise.
She has had to create a rule so you will leave her the fuck alone sometimes!

You say you want ‘intimacy’ but you do not. You simply want as much sex as possible.

Intimacy is very different.

Jesus.

Hats off to you for coming and asking for advice, I'll give you that. And you are being truly honest about how you feel, that's clear to see. But you just don't get it from a woman's point of view. Despite it being spelled out here. Read the replies again. Take a couple of days to digest them. Then read them again.

You sound so much like my DH. And he doesn't get it either. I've given in trying to explain it to him.

You talk about "intimacy" which seems to start and finish for you with sex. Intimacy is making a cup of tea in a morning. It's noticing when they seem out of sorts and asking gently what's wrong, explaining how you've noticed they're out of sorts because you've picked up on little changes, things that make her feel like you're paying attention. It's asking questions, "how was your day?" "How did you feel when X happened?" "You said last week that your friend was going for an interview, how did they go on?" It's showing you listen. It's having an evening sitting and chatting about rubbish with no expectation that it will build to sex. It's a million tiny little things that will make her feel emotionally close to you and want to let you inside her body.

My DH used to work away. The first thing he wanted to do when he got home was have sex to feel close to me. I never wanted it that first day of his return. I wanted to talk, feel close to him, let him back in to me emotionally as I'd been soldiering on with the mundane and a routine without him that he wasn't a part of. I needed to adjust. Not saying either of us should "win" but it's difficult to compromise.

And converse properly when you're away. Send texts asking all the above questions, show an interest. And you might find she's more inclined to rattle your bones when you walk through the door because she still feels close to you.

Obviously I don't know the dynamics of your marriage, but one of the most frustrating things I found with my exh was he saw lack of sex as the problem and I saw it as a symptom of our problems.

the above comment is spot on. Same in my marriage. My H can leave all childcare and housework to me or not even bother to chat to me properly without looking at his phone some days (blaming his work for being tired) yet then other days he'll show me lots of attention, be complimentary, help with childcare and chores and then starts being suggestive about sex. Oh what a frickin turn off if he helped me and was affectionate towards me every day I'd be having sex with him much much more. And the comments your W tells you about you finding someone better then is something that I would actually say too when my H complains about lack of sex. So I suspect your W might feel similarly to me.

Help her lots and treat her like the queen without expecting sex back for it and I guarantee you WITH TIME your sex life will be good. And then tell my H to do the same so we can have a good sex life again too ha

Also I would feel uncomfortable having sex via Skype so I get that too. If you dropped a hint about her sending you a photo of herself instead that might make her feel more comfortable. Just a suggestion

"Help her lots and treat her like the queen without expecting sex back for it and I guarantee you WITH TIME"

There's no guarantee this would work, even with all the time in the world. You don't even know if it would work with your husband.

The easy option would be to fulfil my sexual needs elsewhere and not pester my wife, but that is certainly not the route i want to take as i know it would hurt her and thats not what i want either. Spoken like a true hero

Scott72 it would work with my H as in the past there have been long periods in our relationship when this has worked. Yet he goes back to taking me for granted most of the time.

It's certainly something worth trying

The reason why your wife has a lower sex drive is because she is on her own with 2 small children for 8 weeks at a time whilst also holding down a job.
In your shoes you need to seriously consider getting a job that allows you to live at home
If not then your wife needs some help. A cleaner and a babysitter once a week at a time of her choosing so she actually gets time to relax and feel like herself again
Then when you are home you need to pick up the slack. Do the school and nursery runs. Do all the cooking. Let her have multiple lie ins.
Show that you care about her and are interested in her as a person rather than as a sex toy

She has created the night off, night on rule in an attempt to protect herself from your advances at least a few days a week. She probably felt she had to do something to give her some respite from you, but it will likely have made sex even less desirable because it feels orchestrated. Yet she probably can’t see any other way to not have to have sex that often, and now she’s unhappy with the quantity AND the quality as a result. Your behaviour and, now, your desire to play games will only worsen the situation for both of you.

It also sounds like your sex drive is very high. Sometimes our sex drives change: my sex drive fell a lot at about 22. No reason, really, it just did. You don’t just compromise in the middle, because both partners are going to feel unhappy and it sounds like you’re getting a lot more your way than hers anyway. How does your wife signal she is turned on? What makes her feel relaxed? What normal day to day actions make her feel good? How do you show non sexual intimacy?

You sound exactly like an ex of mine: we lived apart and saw each other a few months in the year. We had originally had a lot of sex, but as we settled down it reduced to a few times a week. He made a big deal out of it, and I wanted to avoid sex with him altogether. He made it formulaic and miserable and it made me hate him. He then said that he’d stop pestering and say nothing about it ever again unless I instigated. I didn’t like the pressure of having to do that all the time, so never did, and he hated me for it. It was so obvious, even the times it went unsaid. It came out in arguments and I fell completely out of love with him. I left, found my wonderful husband and am very happy. I’d suggest you think carefully about whether that’s what you want your wife to do, because it’s the best decision I ever made.

You don’t come across well in this post, and I’d imagine you took care in crafting it. Imagine how your wife must think of you, if this is how you present yourself.

Your poor wife has instigated a ‘night on, night off’ rule because you expect sex every day otherwise.
She has had to create a rule so you will leave her the fuck alone sometimes!

This. I'm quite frankly repulsed.

You are not more understanding than most men. Most men don't harass their wives for daily sex to the point of their wife creating time off just to escape. You're a sex pest.

And I'm afraid she just doesn't fancy you any more. Do you look after yourself? Have you put on weight? Are you affectionate without expecting it to turn into more?

Wow - imagine if this was said to a woman on here

I would suggest that the 8 week gaps are taking a toll on your marriage. Your wife isn't feeling as close to you because of this hence this issue . She is used to getting on with life without you when you are not there then it is all a big change .

I'd suggest doing more at home than you are doing at the moment. Can you give us a list of things you do to make your wife easier for her when she's home (apart from making her reluctantly have sex with you every other day). I'm much more happy to instigate sex when my OH has pulled his finger out and helped out because I'm then not too tired. Otherwise I end up feeling like a dutiful wife of running around after two young kids, cleaning, cooking and shagging all with a smile on my face (by the way this never happens).
Maybe take the kids out on your own for a day so she can put her feet up. She may feel more up to having a shag later.

I think it’s not as simple as ‘doing more at home’ - sex shouldn’t be transactional like that. I know that’s probably not your intended meaning Bellatrix but I think many men interpret that suggestion in this way “I did he washing up, so can we have sex now?”

Like a PP said upthread it’s about doing more things that build GENUINE intimacy, so she WANTS to have more sex with you. Sure, doing the laundry may help with that, but only if it’s backed up by a genuine desire to make your wife happier, and ensuring she actually feels that way! It also includes, y’know, TALKING to her (about non sex stuff), being kind, affectionate, empathetic, and proactive.
A man could blitz my entire house till it sparkled but if I knew he was only doing it so I’d put out later, it’d have the opposite effect.

I still think this is a wind up. You seem to have forgotten that your wife is pregnant. You try working and raising 2 kids while pregnant on your own for 8 weeks at a time. All dinners all bedtimes all night wings and see how sexy you feel.

Especially given that you spent the early years of your relationship coercing her into doing things she didn't want to. This is repulsive. And dont act like your only other option is to go elsewhere. Grow the fuck up.

@signedupjust4this completely bloosy agree!!

Talk about poor sexually deprived me, "I turned my wife off sex because she didn't enjoy my silly sexual kinks early on and now won't let me jump her everytime i fancy sex when I return home like a conquering hero after leaving her to be a single parent for 8 weeks at a time. I mean every second night is sooooooo unreasonable when i have neeeeds and all she has to do is look after my home and dc all alone for 8 months a year. Silly pregnant, exhausted and unappreciated woman just won't satisfy me sexually in the way I deserve and I just don't understand whhhhhhy! Tell me she unreasonable mumsnet so I can use it as a stick to beat her into sexual compliance and submission."