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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Very stupidly renting with ex

115 replies

FishGingers · 06/06/2019 23:13

after our house was sold as an interim solution. It’s a complete nightmare and I need him to move out. We have two children. He refuses to move out and is asking us to move out instead.

I am the lead tenant and higher earner. He is not really contributing to the children (food, utilities etc) but he pays 50% of the rent.

How do I get him out of the property (peacefully)?

The children like it here and it’s convenient for my daughter’s school.

OP posts:
Lairydea · 07/06/2019 13:08

Taken from shelter's site: https://england.shelter.org.uk/housingadvice/privateerenting/jointtenancies

Relationship breakdown
Your landlord could grant you a new tenancy in your name only if the joint tenancy with your ex-partner has been properly ended.
You may also have other rights. For example:
it may be possible for court to transfer the tenancy into your name – even if the other joint tenant won't agree to it
it may be possible to stop the other joint tenant from ending the tenancy by applying for an occupation order or an injunction
if you have experienced domestic violence, it may be possible to keep the perpetrator out of your homee_ or to take legal action such as an injunction

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 07/06/2019 13:26

Look, I'm not saying 'pay for him to live there' lightly. I'm saying it because you need to get out of that situation for the sake of your children. Sometimes throwing money at a problem is the fastest way to make it go away. You need a clean break. Your children are suffering.

Antigon · 07/06/2019 13:31

I really just need to know if I can ask him to leave and then inform the agency.

You can ask him to leave until cows come home but he's not going to, is he? You need to calling the letting agent - do it now!

RantyAnty · 07/06/2019 13:59

You said you were interested in buying the house? Is it for sale now?

Could you get the purchase going so you can evict him after you have purchased it?

I agree about telling the people he's threatening your situation. You don't have to go in detail but it would take the wind out of his sails with his threats towards you.

Can you rent your part out to a lodger and move out?

SoHotADragonRetired · 07/06/2019 14:11

You've got to stop letting his threats to tell people stuff about you or report your car stolen (whatevs) control you.

  1. he can report your car stolen all he likes, you can prove it isn't in two secs, job done.
  2. if he tells your work "the truth about you" or tells your agent you're a "hysterical woman" (and there's a good chance this is just bluff meant to control you), all he'll do is make himself look like an unstable loser.
  3. you can easily get ahead of this and take back control. When you speak to the agency, tell them that he may call them and tell them you're "hysterical". This isn't the 1920s, professionals don't disregard clear instructions from an authorised person because some weirdo thinks you can call a woman "hysterical". Tell your boss your XP has taken your breakup very badly and is threatening to contact them with rubbish - if they and HR are any good they can actually put in place a strategy to help protect you from him.

You need to speak to the agency. There is a good chance they can help you and get him off the contract.

Sometimes the cheapest way to pay for something is with money. If you have to spend money to get you and your children out of this situation, spend it. It's cheaper than spending all of your health and wellbeing dealing with this shit show.

NeatFreakMama · 07/06/2019 14:27

There's a lot of really good advice on here but you seem intent on just presenting problems.

Original poster
FishGingers · 07/06/2019 14:38

purplecatt what does this even mean? Am I not a good Mumsnetter, because I don’t want to go into a refuge or shelter? I am exploring the legalities, since last night and not running into a refuge just yet.

OP posts:
MrsMeSeeks · 07/06/2019 15:04

I am exploring the legalities, since last night

Have you called the letting agent to ask them what your options are?

Antigon · 07/06/2019 15:09

I don’t want to go into a refuge or shelter? I am exploring the legalities, since last night and not running into a refuge just yet.

OP, Shelter is not a refuge, it's a charity that gives people advice on housing. They'll be able to advise you how you can get ex off the tenancy contract. Yes, they do help homeless people to, but that's just one part of what they do.

Original poster
FishGingers · 07/06/2019 15:14

No - I persuaded ex to stay out of the house for the weekend as a start. I can see the letting agent tomorrow.

OP posts:
CousinKrispy · 07/06/2019 15:21

Good. Talk to the letting agent and explain everything and explain what you want to happen--which is that you want him out and to take over the tenancy entirely yourself.

Get advice from Shelter (the charity, it does not mean you are going into a shelter) and Women's Aid and Rights of Women.

Do not bother trying to explain to your ex or reason with him. Keep repeating to yourself that everything he says is trifling bullshit and avoid him as much as possible.

Original poster
FishGingers · 07/06/2019 15:32

I love ‘trifling bullshit’ - I will not speak to him anymore. There is nothing left to say.

Completely true about the car etc. The police would not be interested in his 40% share of my car and arrest me for driving a ‘stolen’ vehicle.

OP posts:
StVincent · 07/06/2019 15:35

Great to hear you sounding more positive and seeing through his spin bullshit. He sounds like a pound shop Donald Trump tbh. Think how wonderful it’ll be to be free of him.

Ariela · 07/06/2019 15:56

Nobody is saying you have to go to a refuge, just to contact eg Shelter or Womens Aid to ascertain your rights and what you legally can and cannot do in order to resolve the situation you're currently in

Original poster
FishGingers · 07/06/2019 16:06

After all these years his spin bullshit still worries and upsets me. It’s bloody ridiculous and he doesn’t have a leg to stand on with his idiotic demands for money, irrational accusations.

I should pack his bags really and dump at his office.

OP posts:
Whatisthisfuckery · 07/06/2019 16:07

OP there will be options available to you if you look for them. You need to get your big girl pants on, ditch the fear and swallow your pride. Mean while make a note of all the crazy shit he pulls so you have a record. You’re not the first to go through this and you won’t be the last, so come on, get on it and get your kids out of this nightmare.

Isthisit22 · 07/06/2019 18:53

Start making a record of these threats especially any abuse to the children and report to the police or SS? Could get him removed?

Thuglife · 07/06/2019 21:52

@Fishgingers
I feel for you I really do and I understand that paralysing fear of having no control over your own life. My Ex still maintains a VERY high profile in mine & DD’s life despite my best efforts. He prances around the house like he still lives here & generally tries to maintain control over my life.
But... at the end of the day we’re free of him. I lock the door and it’s our home. Keep a vision in your head & listen to the advice of wiser posters than me. You can do this Flowers

Missingstreetlife · 08/06/2019 19:05

He's bullying you because he can get away with it. What did agent say?
Yes just dump his stuff at work, change the locks. Get some support to stand up to him. I doubt he will fight you, seems too needy, not your problem

Meccacos · 11/06/2019 05:03

I agree with what @Margorystewartbaxter said.

Terminate the lease with the two of you on it and re-sign with just you on it. He wants you to support him financially and thinks you owe it to him.

Fuck his hobbies. I would throw his stuff out, change the locks and get a restraining order.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 11/06/2019 05:23

Have you spoken to the letting agent yet?

Blondebakingmumma · 11/06/2019 09:03

If he does come back, at the very least don’t offer him any food when you are eating. Don’t make enough that there is some for him too. Get out of the house with the kids if he is annoying. Can you relocate with the kids to a different part of the house when he starts an atmosphere? You could all go and watch tv in your bed?
Don’t let his empty threats concern you. They are frankly ridiculous. Like the police would arrest you for driving your own car?! Maybe pre warn your work that you have separated and he may try to stir trouble for you at work.

GummyGoddess · 11/06/2019 09:28

You know, people will believe the truth. Vindictive men are sadly too common for it to be unheard of. Tell the lettings agent, tell your work. He is the one who will look hysterical.

Original poster
FishGingers · 18/06/2019 00:22

It’s radio silence on my part. I don’t buy food for him, he has his own fridge, I don’t cook for him and he gets completely ignored. Agreed that he won’t show up before 20:00 in the evening and not to spend any time here during the day at weekends. I will take over the lease when he has found something else.

OP posts:
78percentLindt · 18/06/2019 08:18

It might be an idea to inform the agent, in writing, that when the lease is up for renewal you will be renewing as a single tenant. I am a LL and I have known one partner try to renew a lease in both names when the other person has left and not told the agent. However, I have also been more than happy to change from joint to single/.different names during a tenancy but all parties have to agree.
I agree with PP, call his bluff, let people know about his threats.

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