Why is online dating so awful?

[Whoknew2014]

I've just been ghosted again on text by someone who claims he's "emotionally intelligent" on his profile. Really fine about it as seems to have two sets of kids, neither of whom he lives with, and while asked him questions about his life and kids he asked none in return, so all good.

But why is it SO hard? I look fine and find chatting to people very easy. Good job, interesting life, kind, empathetic, run, cycle or swim every day. I'm not perfect but I don't think it's me, particularly. I never treat people the way I'm treated on OLD.

I tried bumble yesterday but apparently don't have enough photos of myself according to one guy ("it's a dating website LOL").

My narc ex had a profile up for the entire time we together (as it turned out, even after he'd promised to delete it, which said he was "loyal"). He's found someone else instantly (probably while we were still together, not that I blame any other woman in the bonkers world of OLD).

My sense is that there are just far more attractive interesting women in my age group (45+) than men. And that men can behave so badly because the numbers are out of sync.

Any other thoughts?

Trying to diagnose what's wrong with OLD is a whole industry in itself. When you say there are far more attractive interesting women in your age group than men, do you attractive interesting men? Attractive interesting men are in the minority of men in any age group, they get a hugely disproportionate amount of messages and responses, and it does tend to go to their head.

Do I message them, yes, sometimes, or respond to likes and see if they write.

I don't find that the attractive, interesting men behave any worse than the others, sometimes better. They are often more explicit that they are messaging several women at the same time, inviting women out on dates and so on. The auditions are clearer, if you like.

The issue is opportunity. Guys are less likely to 'settle' when there is this perceived idea that there could be 'someone better' at the click of a button. So they half ass everything because if you don't put out, add up or aren't friggin perfect, heck, there might be someone else who is. Women tend to pick someone, decide we like them and fling ourselves into it whole-heartedly, give it a chance. Men...not so much. Especially when there is a veritable buffet of women at the touch of their fingers...literally.

Also, society in general, there are a lot of cluster b's walking around out there and therefore, plenty of them on online dating too. Men and women. I think a man that described himself as 'emotionally intellegent' online would be setting off my alarm bells for some reason...I dunno why but it sounds like something a narcissist would think to say. And if he isn't asking anything about you...that might back that up. Be careful xx

being honest OP I've never done this but this just popped up in my feed

is it OLD or is that most guys are like this? OLD just gives you more opportunity to meet more guys and see how many are like this?

I think on the whole that whilst men of that age tend to have better careers and more money than their female counterparts, as those are the areas they focussed on when younger, the women tend to be more rounded as individuals, with better friendships, family relations, hobbies, education and interests, so you get a lot of well educated, interesting, funny, well preserved women fishing in a pool of rather less impressive men.

Most men have similar complaints about women on OLD. And the statistics are that the average man gets far fewer responses, whether that be likes or messages or responses, than the average woman. I think this would also apply in older demographics, although perhaps to a lesser extent. If your perception is that most men are spoilt for choice, I wonder if that perception is accurate or if you are just looking at the more attractive and interesting men, as I suggested before.

I think the Cluster B point is right - there are reasons that some people are single, not least the preference to walk away and find someone else rather than try to compromise.

But I also know there are reasons I'm single too, so I take the point that it goes both ways.

Scott, I do hear what you're saying but it's not overly about looks I think. I do get put off if men don't look clean, take pictures in the mirror, the gym etc ... I'm looking for someone who reads books (any books!), ideally, not easy to find. I messaged a guys who read novels, also got ghosted after one reply (he was some distance away but the only one who had "novels" in his profile).

Oh well. Just booked a ticket to a gig instead - back to real life!

I also think Teaforthewin is right. I think women are more likely to compromise but I suspect not because we are inherently better human beings but because we have far less choice.

Has it gone to pot?

We're 15 years in, one of the online dating trailblazer couples!!

People thought we were nuts/sad back in the day!

@Whoknew2014 Do come and join us on the latest OLD thread for a rant and rave and good old laugh at the joys of OLD. Tell us your tales of woe, we'll commiserate together and offer you a virtual glass of something. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3604484-Dating-thread-161-Can-anybody-find-me-somebody-to-love Being ghosted is shit - we've all been there on the board

Massive red flag when someone says they're 'emotionally intelligent'.....if you have to say it 9 times out of 10 you're not.
It's like men who say they're laid back.... They're not because if they genuinely were they are more than likely not to make a point of saying it.

In general women are far more forgiving of men and will be more open minded. I've been there and I've gone on some horrific dates because I'm trying to be kind and open minded.

It's easier for men in a way because they're mostly concerned if they think she's attractive and she wants to have sex with him so they're not all that fussy.

Men don't have to worry about being raped, beaten, murdered, etc.

It's much easier for a woman overall if she just selected anyone she thought was attractive. It's much harder for a woman to find a decent man for something long term.

From my experience of online dating it was 90% men and 10% women, but the man believed the 'hot housewives in your area want to have sex with you now' message and felt as if they ought to be able to pick and choose but in reality men rarely had any luck, women could pick and choose because they were in the minority

dating sites are specifically set up to make men feel as if they are in a sweet shop to keep them engaging with the website, it's just the website trying to exploit them for it's own purposes ...just like Facebook tries to keep you compulsively using it
for most men the only way that they will get the casual sex that they're looking for is if they pay for it

Agree with RantyAnty on this one.

Men have fragile ego's so they have to get validation from women, and regardless of whether they want a long term thing with her they date her. It's actually pathetic and sad especially when mist women are that driven by their fragile ego.

My advice would be to think about how you are going about choosing these men? Because you're clearly being too nice, forgiving and open minded! A mistake I have made in the past.
I also learnt to be direct and ask their views on marriage and kids. Also if the chat is not great before you meet or you're not swept of your feet by it it's a really good sign he has no agenda, he's not trying to charm you and he's genuine.

Sorry for typos.... Women ARE NOT driven by their egos

Thank you, JesuisPrest, I will do!

So this raises the question then, why do men "just" want sex on dating websites and women don't (I don't anyway). Do men 50+ not want to remarry etc?

This is such a broad, anecdotal question, it probably can't be answered. There will always be exceptions to any generalisation ...

Predestined - drawing boundaries is definitely not my strength but I am practising!

I don't think it's particularly about me though. My brilliant single female friends in their 50s are having exactly the same experiences.

If I were single I think I'd be very reluctant to get into another long term relationship, I'm in my mid fifties and I feel like a new partner is much more likely to be a burden than an asset to my life, I'm super health-conscious and would be very reluctant to get involved with anyone who wasn't because I don't want to end up as someone's carer

I think that when people are single at a certain age, there is often a reason they are single!

I saw my ex's (well, guy I dated for 6 months) dating profile and it was eerie. He is none of those things, in fact, he was describing my personality and what I enjoyed and not his! And it wasn't like his dating profile when I met him (I have a screenshot of it).

I must admit that until I get to know someone I just don't care. Looks etc wont do it for me so the problem I have is that unless a guy is really confident and interesting I just wont bother to reply. I get on with everyone in real life but it's hard to get people's personality online.

I don't know about the differences between men and women's success on OLD but I have been told by a few men that I've spoken to or met that their biggest problem is that they look very different in real life to the pictures they post. I guess the answer to that is video calling!

There are lovely men out there. I wouldn't bother investing too much chat before a date because you'll end up creating this person you like but doesn't exist.

I also think men are always so.much more bitter than women after relationships end or they just go from one to the next etc men cannot cope with being single so I think they're on dating sites for different reasons to women.

Online dating you do need quite a few pictures up, all people have to judge attraction on at first is them pictures. So do put up a few

Some people are just weirdos, not just people online dating some you meet everyday at work, at the gym etc. So of course the weird ones need weeding out

Beware of anyone that says they are honest, open, genuine as most times they are the ones that aren’t!

Also some men (and women of course!) use online dating as a way to shag a few people, nothing wrong with that but if that’s what someone wants once they realise you don’t want that they will stop talking.

I don’t online date as I’m married but a few of my friends do (they don’t enjoy it and despite being reasonably good looking men and women with good jobs, being nice people they have had hard times of it ) and I think the problem with online dating is, people are always looking for a better offer. They ‘date’ someone but are still logging in looking around for that better sweet and when they find it, you find yourself ghosted.

I found it OK but a lot of people to trawl through! It is a bit like trying to find a needle in a haystack but if you can treat it like an extra bit of social life, meet a few interesting people, know that it WILL be a bit of a rollercoaster, then it can be good to dip into with breaks when it all gets too annoying!

I learnt a lot about myself and others and after a couple of years and a few short relationships and flings, found my DP who is amazing (I was his first online date!). There are some men who want a committed relationship.

I found there were men (my boss included) who were ideally looking for a longterm relationship or marriage but were happy to have a fling if the woman was attractive and interesting but not quite who he saw himself with longterm for whatever reason. I didn't like that - a couple of times I ended up feeling dated into sex and it didn't feel very upfront/truthful (although when it happened there was always something I felt uneasy about!) when actually, if they'd said "look, I'm not sure about us as a long term thing but I'd love to meet again with a view to something more casual if you'd like to", I might have agreed!

I also agree that there will be some people who are single for a reason unfortunately and lots of people who are misleading about themselves or their motivations. So, it's just a case of being careful and trying not to get carried away either with messaging or early stages of a relationship.

One thing I found is if a man needs to say he's loyal or honest or some other quality like that, it usually means he's not! I have never felt the need to profess my honesty as I just take it as a basic assumption of a normal human!

Ugh I've been single for a year and I daren't try online dating. Is it that bad?

Personally I think we all expect too much with OLD. If you don’t expect anything from anyone then you won’t be disappointed.

We let others batter our self esteem and rely on others to make us feel attractive etc. We need to remember that it ok not to find someone attractive and its ok that someone doesn’t find us attractive be it physically or mentally. We don't have to like everybody and everybody does not have to like you.

Of course it shouldn’t be ok to ghost someone etc but that say more about them than you and whilst its shit just move on.

I also think it ok for people to talk and date (non sexual) a few people at a time as long as you are honest about it. When you find someone you feel a real connection with you just advise the others that you don’t wish to take things further and concentrate on building a proper relationship with the one you like.

I think we all make it a lot harder then it needs to be really.