Why is online dating so awful?

[Whoknew2014]

I've just been ghosted again on text by someone who claims he's "emotionally intelligent" on his profile. Really fine about it as seems to have two sets of kids, neither of whom he lives with, and while asked him questions about his life and kids he asked none in return, so all good.

But why is it SO hard? I look fine and find chatting to people very easy. Good job, interesting life, kind, empathetic, run, cycle or swim every day. I'm not perfect but I don't think it's me, particularly. I never treat people the way I'm treated on OLD.

I tried bumble yesterday but apparently don't have enough photos of myself according to one guy ("it's a dating website LOL").

My narc ex had a profile up for the entire time we together (as it turned out, even after he'd promised to delete it, which said he was "loyal"). He's found someone else instantly (probably while we were still together, not that I blame any other woman in the bonkers world of OLD).

My sense is that there are just far more attractive interesting women in my age group (45+) than men. And that men can behave so badly because the numbers are out of sync.

Any other thoughts?

I came along to the thread as I was asking myself this same thing. Only, I ended up feeling horrible because of some of the things I've read.

I'm one of those "cluster b's" thanks to a horrific childhood. I have BPD, I don't go around behaving horribly to others though, I am kind, considerate and gentle. I know some aren't but most are not the sum total of their diagnosis and getting help is nigh on impossible. Sure I feel emotions strongly, along with great anxiety but I turn it in on myself. Many do. I only mention, because its disappointing to read generalising comments like those above. Its hard enough trying to get by as it is so could we maybe bear in mind that being human is complex and most of us are just bumbling along as best we can. Some people regardless of diagnosis behave like arseholes. That is a choice.

As for why its so hard. I think the nature of app dating is that there is a buffet of people available 24/7 and making assessments through photos and a short bio alone makes people disposable.

Sorry Phanny, you're right. I used too broad a brush. It's the narcissists I seem to attract (& grew up with) that I have too many painful experiences with. I apologise unreservedly and will think about how to be more careful with language in future.

For anyone with low(ish) esteem (& coming out of a marriage/long relationships I think it's quite hard not to have) I think OLD is really tough. I agree the solution is probably to toughen up and just keep ploughing through.

I’ve thought about this a lot. I know there are many success stories but my theories are it’s hard for so many people because:

• the people are strangers and to make a relationship work you need to be friends. It’s hard to make friends as an adult anyway regardless a friend you want to shag also. Because the people are strangers it’s harder to get to know them too so if you’re attracted to them you might take their story about who they are at face value. Whereas if you meet someone in rl you at least see them objectively for a short while before catching feelings.

• there are a lot of people doing old who are single for a reason. Not all of course but there are many.

• the sense of the perfect fantasy woman of your dreams might be the next person you match with so why settle for the person you’ve dated a few times that is a real life flawed person not a fantasy person?

• too much messaging = building them up too much in your head

Whoknew2014 thank you, no apology needed, like I say we are all products of our experience and doing our best. I'm sorry you've been subject to that sort of behaviour.

What I've found most baffling is going on what I believed were good dates, the chap asked me out for another date proactively - not through me asking if they wanted to but them bringing it up, even choosing the day and time but then ghosted me. Why ask in the first place? It leaves you scratching your head

So this raises the question then, why do men "just" want sex on dating websites and women don't (I don't anyway). Do men 50+ not want to remarry etc?

I think you’ve kind of hit the nail on the head. I’m struggling to see why a man over 50 would choose to remarry. They’re normally (quite rightfully) still paying maintenance etc, why on earth would they want the hassle?

I’d also struggle to see why a successful female would want to risk anything for the sake of a bit of paper. It’s not as if more children will be on the agenda.

I think a lot of people will want & have new relationships in their 50’s but, tying themselves up legally & financially would be crackers.

In my experience many men don't start out on OLD saying they want a long-term relationship, simply as they are pragmatic: you often don't know even after a year of going out together if you want a long-term relationship with someone, so labelling that as the goal from the start seems silly.

As a woman I went into OLD looking for fun. Not a LTR, not "just sex", but fun in general. So I looked for someone who seemed fun. A balding, overweight smoker came along who also seemed to be good fun - I thought he'd make my life more enjoyable for a few months. His profile said very little; I decided this based on a meeting. Then as I got to know him, he turned out also to be emotionally intelligent, interesting and generally a really good type. This was 2.5 years ago. I'd have missed all this if 'd restricted myself to attractive, obviously interesting LTR-seekers.

When you say you've been ghosted (more than once) do you mean a complete stranger stopped texting you?? If so you're taking it waaaaaay too seriously.

For what it's worth, met DH on Tinder, together nearly five years, married nearly two. Just two normal people who it worked out for. My advice if you want it - don't use match/POF etc etc too much hard work... Tinder all the way. We fucked on the first date too and STILL GOT MARRIED ..Who knew??? 😁

Good advice all, low expectations is the answer!

Phanny, I think the answer is simply too much choice and too much going on. There was an episode of one of those dating shows where they have dinner in a restaurant and he said he was so into her, and seemed to be at the time but never followed up. He enjoyed the occasional date but nothing more (from memory).

Someone ages ago suggested on here only to do OLD if you enjoy it. I think what I'm realising through this discussion is that I have been doing it all wrong, perhaps in typically "good girl" style (& thank you all so much). I agree that Tinder is way better than the perception so I might try that in a newly lighthearted fashion

I wouldn't call it being ghosted either after one message. When you're chatting with quite a few people (which is the way to play it tbh), sometimes you just get tired at the thought of getting into a whole conversation with someone and never answer them. Honestly what would you rather? An "I'm so sorry to let you down" message that would probably be a lie anyway?

But yeah, OLD is hard if you take it seriously. I do find the people who get hurt by it are setting their expectations way too high when chatting with someone who's a total stranger and owes you nothing. If you've been on a date it's a different story I suppose but still one date isn't an obligation either. Tinder is better for being free of those expectations.

Onemansoapopera. Not sure if you're asking me or OP but, well a virtual stranger yes, who I had been out for at least one date with, had kissed and them say how much fun they had and then ask to do it again. I wasn't bereft and crying over it. I shrugged and put it down to experience, I just couldn't work out why they'd ask to see me again, go to the trouble of putting a date and time in and then never bother to follow up or ignore me afterwards. Its weird and best and rude at worst.

I know a few people who met using the apps who are very happy. But it can be very wearing on the soul when you can't work out what people are playing at.

If you're talking about people who send a few texts and then just stop, before you've even met or perhaps even know their real name, that doesn't seem even like bad behaviour to me. I did that myself a few times - if after a couple of messages it's obvious that you have nothing in common whatsoever or the other person is not interested then the "conversation" just tails off. Or they say something crass or weird and you just think "yuk" - I wouldn't see a reason to formally announce that I wasn't interested, unless they specfically asked. There's no more obligation to write again than there is, say, to answer my comments on this thread.

@ravenmum I agree about keeping an open mind. I had a few normal dates but nothing seemed to warrant a second date as 'no spark' but became online friends with someone who i wouldn't even have considered dating, both on looks and lifestyle. However we somehow clicked and he has been the fun tonic I have needed post an abusive relationship. Ive also been something nice for him after a period of depression and heartache. It probably won't last very long but has made me really happy and carefree, ultimately what we both needed at this point.

I suppose I see the texting phase more like chatting to someone in a bar. You might hit it off and agree to meet again, but equally they might wander off and start talking to someone else if things get a bit dull. You might feel a bit put out but really, that's just how it goes.

The reason I'm 'dating' [shagging] on Adult friend finder is because it keeps everyones expectations low. And I think that's the way to approach OLD in general. I've been pleasantly surprised in that the vast majority of guys I've talked to have been exactly what they say they are. I've also found it enjoyable to be completely honest with them, and it's helped me realise how much I hid from people I dated in the past. I would also say that regular breaks from the insanity probably help. Hope you do it while it's fun and stop when it's not.

I suppose I see the texting phase more like chatting to someone in a bar. You might hit it off and agree to meet again, but equally they might wander off and start talking to someone else if things get a bit dull. You might feel a bit put out but really, that's just how it goes.

This. Even the first date is only like that because you can't tell you have chemistry until you meet in person. I didn't do loads of texting, have a conversation; meet quickly after you make contact , preferably for coffee, then either arrange a proper date or next!

There's a lot of crappy men on OLD who are just looking for wank fodder and ego boosts. They have a scatter gun approach to women online. This means women have to be much more discerning and wade through a lot of shit before they find anyone good. This lowers the odds for men (even though in their heads they believe its a buffet) so they message even more women and in response it gets harder for the women and the whole thing is one massive pile of wank now.

All you can do is be open minded, ignore all the shitty time wasters, try to have fun but don't invest in anyone until they've proven they are actually worth it and only genuinely interested in you.

I had to stop OLD because it was really making me hate men. Receiving so many inappropriate sexual messages from normal-seeming men shakes your world view and makes you jaded.

Also, any man who has to say he is king emotionally intelligent is no true king not emotionally intelligent.

I've used OLD off and on for a couple of years. I've had many ups and downs. Generally not good experiences and I've used all the main apps.
However, I started again a couple of months ago with a whole different attitude. I turned my profile into a 'what i've learned' guide with an amusing insight into men's profiles. I found this actually has weedled out the time-wasters (mainly). Most messages I get now are from guys who have found this funny. I also have ZERO expectations and try to be super relaxed about it. If I start messaging with someone, I always just assume they will disappear as quickly as they have appeared.
I have also been replying to guys mainly on their message content, rather than looks. My experience has been the better looking they are, the less likely they are serious.
I've never had so many dates and am just waiting on date no 2 for a really nice guy!!

Crappydayim I terestes to know what's on your guide?

*I'm interested

As a man who used OLD to find my DP (sixth year together), I can promise you that it’s just as difficult / shit on our side of the fence.

Lots of old, but not deleted, profiles. Lots of semi cat-fishing (eg VERY flattering pics, clearly taken 10 years and 2.5 stone ago). Lots of time-wasters looking for an ego boost.

I could rant on, but won’t :-)

Still, six years in I’m very happy with the relationship I’m in. Far happier than I was in my marriage in the final year. I was very close to binning it, though, before I met her.

@SignedUpJust4This so its basically just a list of 'Things I've learned on POF':

I'm brutally honest - compulsive liar
Looking for serious - just wants a shag
I'm a really nice , genuine guy - a complete arse

You get the idea but guys seem to find it funny! AND its all true

Thank you all, I really appreciated the insights. CrappyDay, I love your explainer!

Lots of great advice esp re Tinder/Bumble, I'm not sure if Id pay again.

Will try again with new lighthearted attitude when I've dusted myself down a bit. Thank you for all your time & comments.

@Tilikum you hit the nail on the head. I am now very suspicious if I see the words 'honest' 'genuine' 'emotionally intelligent' on a profile as that really hasn't been my experience of these men. More than anything I think they put this to attract certain kinds of women.

If anyone says anything like "no drama" lines, it really raises my hackles!