Help me not be a seething ball of resentment at DH about chores

[yourfamousblueraincoat]

Can you help sort out how on earth to fix the fact I’m drowning after having gone back to work? It’s easy to say get my DH to do more but he is a workaholic and works even harder than I do. I just don’t know what to do. How on earth do people cope with high pressure jobs and more than one child?

This is our schedule:
DH leaves for work at 7.30am and returns at 7pm - spends 20 minutes getting DS aged 15 months to sleep (already in PJs and bathed by nanny). Then he returns to work until about 10pm when we have dinner.
At weekends, he works at least one day out of two and can barely concentrate when having family time. He always makes time for church and watching one sporting event.
In the house, he irons his shirts and takes the bins out about half the time when asked.

I am up with DS anywhere between 5.45 and 7am and get him ready for the day, sometimes skipping a shower as he won’t be left alone. I leave for work (also high pressure job) at 9am, handing DS to the nanny, and return at about 9pm. Then I cook dinner, do dishwasher, clean high chair, do laundry, do admin, tidy toys and go to bed around midnight.
I am also off on Fridays and try to preserve this as time spent with DS without too many chores except in nap time.
We have a cleaner but it doesn’t feel like enough.

I do all bills, DIY, household shopping, negotiating with tradespeople for repairs, organising and tidying for cleaner, all laundry, changing bed sheets, booking holidays, birthday cards, most Christmas presents for both families, all child related research and shopping, booking and attending child medical appointments, random household chores like changing lightbulbs, controlling the heating, setting burglar alarm, liaising with nanny/other childcare, organising our limited social life, preparing beds and meals for when his relatives randomly descend with no warning, sorting garden.

How can I make our lives easier without giving up work? I am a massive seething ball of resentment and just end up sniping at DH on the rare occasions I do get to spend time with him. I have zero time to myself.

That is unsustainable for both of you. The obvious answer is for both of you to reduce your working hours, even if it’s by a small amount.

Genuinely interested in what he says when you raise this with him?

You need to reduce both of your hours.

You don’t need to give up work.

That is totally unsustainable and no way to live.

I think you need to get a PA/ house keeper if you can’t reduce your hours to pick up the slack you cannot continue with those hours you’ll both burn out.

That’s really tough.

I’d ask the nanny to start earlier so you can get ready in peace, maybe or get another nanny who will

Definitely eat ready meals or eat on your journey home.

Pay for more hours from cleaner then they do all sheets and laundry. Or alternatively get a laundry pickup and delivery service to do the whole lot but then you still have to put away.
Get a gardener.

Re a lot of the other stuff. Just stop doing it. Birthdays and Christmas and visits. See if your Dh takes over on it.

I agree he’ll have to reduce his working hours and probably you will. Are you doing longer days to have Fridays off?
In the short term I would hire a gardener, stop cooking ready meals freezer meals, something on toast is fine. I do this at least 4 days a week. Don’t get things ready for his relatives, if they arrive suddenly it’s his problem also ensure he sorts presents etc for his relatives.
Unless diy is urgent ignore it. Give him a list of jobs that need doing. If he doesn’t start doing his share stop doing his laundry and shopping etc.

When his rellies descend on you, dh should sort that shit for a start. Birthday cards and presents for HIS side also his shit. Garden is now his job. If dh leaves at 7.30am he needs to have ds so you can get ready and showered too. Just throw dc at him.
My dh gets up with dds and sorts their breakfast before I’m up as he leaves earlier than me. I can manage to get showered and dressed in that time.

He needs to cut back on his work, it's not possible for him to carry on as if your lives haven't changed!!!

Sounds like he is opting out of family duty as working is easier...

Oh that's just crazy... why do you both do 12 hour work days?

Why are you working such long hours in four days? Better to go to full time across five days with shorter days.

And your dh - what do the working mothers do in his office? Do they work like him...?

Both dh and I worked in high pressure jobs and dh slowly realised that the burden was too much on me. He didn’t really take much off me but I got more protective over my working hours.

You would look at a different job, downsizing mortgage to give you more options, etc. It doesn’t have to be this way.

I’m sorry but I have to echo everyone else. That is unsustainable (or you can sustain it but be extremely stressed constantly). I would say either one or both of you needs to reduce your hours.

Do those hours equate to super salaries? If so you need to buy more help.

If they don't I hope you both get great career satisfaction because I don't see much happiness there. You're killing yourselves.

I really hope you're both in some life-saving profession. Otherwise what's the point of living like this?

What’s he doing 7-10 every night that can’t wait?
And what time are you leaving work to get home at 9?
Honestly there’s no reason why most jobs can’t be done finishing at 6-7pm

On my and my dh working days we are away a minimum of 12 hours as there is a commute, even if the actual working part is 8.5 hours, maybe that is same for op.

We do this

One day each work from home.

One day one of us does and early slot the other does late

I have two non working days.

Op any chance of flexible working requests to work from home for a day for either or both of you? We find this benefits as we have less childcare cost, and can stick stuff in washing machine etc during the day.

Although I’ve had nannies before who didn’t like us working from home!

Both you and DH's working hours are unreasonable.

Quick wins:

• get nanny to make you all the same food of an evening, yours in fridge/ warming drawer.
• he stops working in the evening. It's not time well spent and is probably just habit.
• you leave much earlier. 9am is late for leaving the house.
• Nanny arrives earlier. You need exactly 25 minutes yourself to get ready in the morning from the moment of opening your eyes
• ds doesn't like being left... playpen in bathroom/ close proximity. Needs must.

If you’re commuting more than an hour a day I’d seriously move house.
My dh cycles to work in 30mins and I work mostly from home (with monthly overnight travel). It seriously makes ALL the difference.

If you can afford it outsource as much as possible - laundry ( the big one IMO), more cleaning, the garden.

Get meals that are ready to cook ( ingredients all chopped etc) a few nights a week and be kind to each other.

Could you not employ a cleaner for a few hours?

Sounds miserable.

If your working lives won't change, then you need more help at home. Either another nanny who will help more with housework or an au pair / mothers help to pick up the slack.

It is hard Op but don't be afraid to look externally for help (I'm assuming you can afford it given those working hours however if your both not particularly senior / earning 6 figures, then you definitely need to re-think your work life balance).

*you're not your

Eating dinner at 10pm isn't 't great.

Will these hours continue for the next few years, surely you will both be burnt out and you will miss so much quality time with DS

He could get up early with DS and take responsibility for him (DS) until he (DH) leaves for work.

He's working a 6-day week. Is that normal in his line of work? Also, are 12 hour days normal in both your fields? Or do you both have long commutes?

What does he say when you point out that he's not pulling his weight with chores?

You are living to work, and that's no way to live. As the old saying goes, nobody's last words are they wished they had spent more time at the office.