Help me not be a seething ball of resentment at DH about chores

[yourfamousblueraincoat]

Can you help sort out how on earth to fix the fact I’m drowning after having gone back to work? It’s easy to say get my DH to do more but he is a workaholic and works even harder than I do. I just don’t know what to do. How on earth do people cope with high pressure jobs and more than one child?

This is our schedule:
DH leaves for work at 7.30am and returns at 7pm - spends 20 minutes getting DS aged 15 months to sleep (already in PJs and bathed by nanny). Then he returns to work until about 10pm when we have dinner.
At weekends, he works at least one day out of two and can barely concentrate when having family time. He always makes time for church and watching one sporting event.
In the house, he irons his shirts and takes the bins out about half the time when asked.

I am up with DS anywhere between 5.45 and 7am and get him ready for the day, sometimes skipping a shower as he won’t be left alone. I leave for work (also high pressure job) at 9am, handing DS to the nanny, and return at about 9pm. Then I cook dinner, do dishwasher, clean high chair, do laundry, do admin, tidy toys and go to bed around midnight.
I am also off on Fridays and try to preserve this as time spent with DS without too many chores except in nap time.
We have a cleaner but it doesn’t feel like enough.

I do all bills, DIY, household shopping, negotiating with tradespeople for repairs, organising and tidying for cleaner, all laundry, changing bed sheets, booking holidays, birthday cards, most Christmas presents for both families, all child related research and shopping, booking and attending child medical appointments, random household chores like changing lightbulbs, controlling the heating, setting burglar alarm, liaising with nanny/other childcare, organising our limited social life, preparing beds and meals for when his relatives randomly descend with no warning, sorting garden.

How can I make our lives easier without giving up work? I am a massive seething ball of resentment and just end up sniping at DH on the rare occasions I do get to spend time with him. I have zero time to myself.

“The returns to working long, inflexible hours have greatly increased. This is particularly true in managerial jobs and what social scientists call the greedy professions, like finance, law and consulting....:. It’s so powerful, researchers say, that it has canceled the effect of women’s educational gains.”

I have observed this at work: s/he (usually he) who works longest hours gets promoted.

Married to a workaholic. Realise dafter dd came aking there was no way I could do my job (NHS) and do everything else without a breakdown. I haven't worked outside the home since. Part of me regrets it but another part says too much to lose in terms of well being and balance. Not sure if the pay off works out sometimes but the alternative makes me shudder

Why can't she just tell him what she expects him to do, it's not fair and he has to help out.

Only on MN do you tell your husband what you expect them to do and they magically start doing it.

As I’ve posted up thread, many parallels with my life, but I’m 8 years down the line from OP. DH has changed massively, for the better. But it’s taken years. About 4 months ago he cooked his first family meal. Now he does one meal a week. As pp have said, you CANT change other people, you can only change yourself. Changing me has changed DH. Lambasting a husband with a list of things you expect them to do (ie all they ways you think they are failing as a husband), is unlikely to produce anything other than resentment.

RiddleyW I knew someone would come along! I hope you at least appreciate how rare your job is (and can you also confirm that when you walk out at 4.30 you do no logging in from home in the evening and no weekend work?)

When DS first came along I worked PT and DH FT. When I went back to work we car shared as worked near each other. I finished work earlier than DH so could get DS from nursery and then went back to pick DH up at the time he should finish work. Some days he would be late due to phone calls, and very rarely left exactly on time but tried not to be too late as had commute home and get DS to bed. We did this for 4 years, DH didn't get promoted in this time and was told he wasn't pulling his weight, although would sometimes bring work home on the days I picked him up.

I then left work and became SAHM as the above set up was not really working. DH was then able to work longer hours regularly and sure enough promotions came thick and fast, so he was soon earning more than our joint income used to be.

It's not sustainable. Your H needs to cut down to 5 days a week and also take the baby for 20 mins In the morning so you can have a shower.

If you aren't willing to cut down your hours you both need to have dinner in work and just a snack in the evenings. Get the cleaner to do more such as changing bed sheets and get the nanny to tidy up.

I've just quit my job after a year working full time at full tilt. I'm taking at least 6 months off and then will look at part-time. It's not been worth it for me.

This is exactly what it boils down to as someone said upthread:

"What would you prefer to have, more time or more money?"

I chose time and as a result also chose health.

My pension has suffered, my earning power has suffered, but I value time and health over these.

To all posters saying "Your DH needs to do this, your DH needs to work less...."

How is that even helping HER?

What is she supposed to do? FORCE him to change? Force him to work less? Because I tell you, that will be more exhausting than any of what she is doing now, because it wont change!

Long term, I'd be assessing whether I'd want to be married anymore if DH won't reduce his hobby and working time ,but short term, how can you make your life easier?

I still work, but very part-time and similarly to what someone said upthread, if I needed more cash, I would increase to full-time working within 6 months and increase my finances enough that I could support myself and DCs. Keep your choices open, but make life easier for yourself too.