Help me not be a seething ball of resentment at DH about chores

[yourfamousblueraincoat]

Can you help sort out how on earth to fix the fact I’m drowning after having gone back to work? It’s easy to say get my DH to do more but he is a workaholic and works even harder than I do. I just don’t know what to do. How on earth do people cope with high pressure jobs and more than one child?

This is our schedule:
DH leaves for work at 7.30am and returns at 7pm - spends 20 minutes getting DS aged 15 months to sleep (already in PJs and bathed by nanny). Then he returns to work until about 10pm when we have dinner.
At weekends, he works at least one day out of two and can barely concentrate when having family time. He always makes time for church and watching one sporting event.
In the house, he irons his shirts and takes the bins out about half the time when asked.

I am up with DS anywhere between 5.45 and 7am and get him ready for the day, sometimes skipping a shower as he won’t be left alone. I leave for work (also high pressure job) at 9am, handing DS to the nanny, and return at about 9pm. Then I cook dinner, do dishwasher, clean high chair, do laundry, do admin, tidy toys and go to bed around midnight.
I am also off on Fridays and try to preserve this as time spent with DS without too many chores except in nap time.
We have a cleaner but it doesn’t feel like enough.

I do all bills, DIY, household shopping, negotiating with tradespeople for repairs, organising and tidying for cleaner, all laundry, changing bed sheets, booking holidays, birthday cards, most Christmas presents for both families, all child related research and shopping, booking and attending child medical appointments, random household chores like changing lightbulbs, controlling the heating, setting burglar alarm, liaising with nanny/other childcare, organising our limited social life, preparing beds and meals for when his relatives randomly descend with no warning, sorting garden.

How can I make our lives easier without giving up work? I am a massive seething ball of resentment and just end up sniping at DH on the rare occasions I do get to spend time with him. I have zero time to myself.

I used to leave for work at 6am getting in for 7.15. The commute is nicer and quicker and I had some productive time before many other people got in. That's a better option than working in the evening I think.

That sounds like hell on earth and I would be doing everything possible to change it now.

Move house, downsize, retrain etc etc but the laundry / gardener etc are just sticking plasters over a gigantic gaping hole where a life should be

Why on earth are you cleaning high chair and tidying toys? Our nanny has our two DC age 2 and 4, and house is spotless, toys all away, when we get back after work. Nanny should be doing all the nursery tasks - it’s standard work as far as I’m aware. Hope she is doing DC laundry? If she doesn’t have time in her working hours then discuss how you can restructure her day.

if you’re both working this hard, I’d hope you have enough money to buy in more help

• Cleaner to do more hours to include changing sheets, ironing clothes.
• Nanny should be sorting all DC things, including clothes. You can also ask her to help you keep on top of laundry (e.g. if cleaner changes beds, nanny can stick sheets in washing machine and dryer).
• Gardening service

Anything for his side of the family - he can sort. You don’t need to do the wifework of of buying cards and presents - he can pop out at lunch or stop and buy stuff on way home. It’s not your job. For unexpected visitors, they can help your DH set up beds if DH hasn’t sorted it by the time they arrive.

Either you prioritise your son or your careers\standard of living - which is more important to you both?

Can't imagine why DH's relatives would visit either, as with the hours he works they wouldn't actually see him

I think the problem really is that you're working too many bloody hours. Do you both really need to be doing 12+ hour days?

My partner and I work full time 9-5:30 and find it hard enough juggling everything!

I'm sorry OP but this sounds sh*t. I really feel for you. I have no suggestions or advice but just want to say you're amazing for doing what you have all this time please look after yourself.

That work routine sounds hellish for you both. And is unsustainable as everyone's said. However, that said, you're still getting a bad deal. Why can't your DH take your DS for 15 minutes sometime before 7.30 so that you can shower? And why is this list:
cook dinner, do dishwasher, clean high chair, do laundry, do admin, tidy toys and go to bed around midnight
down to you when you get home? Is he absolutely unable to tear himself away from work even to spend 20 minutes making a stir fry or something?

Oh gosh you’re all right. I have been making excuses for why being busy is normal but this lifestyle is clearly not.
My working hours can’t change unless I change job as I am a newspaper journalist - my busiest time of day is early evening around deadlines. So no mega bucks for me. There is a reason so few mothers in that line of work - and lots of burnt out divorced men with alcohol problems. Husband earns more working in city type job and keeps assuring me things will change as he is in a newish role - but I’m not sure I believe him. He has always worked this hard and I naively thought it would change after children.
So - either we need to buy in more help - or I need to change job. I could probably harangue him into working a bit less in evening but like someone said upthread it feels like a sticking plaster.
In answer to “what does he say about not doing more” - usually he just fobs me off saying things will change and then falls asleep mid conversation.

There is no incentive to change his life. Stop enabling him to opt out. He needs some boundaries with work.

I say that as a veteran "do everything as DHs job comes first" of 25 years.

Agree nanny should do highchair etc.
Give your dh tasks to do in the evening BEFORE he does any work. When I work in the evening I do all the family stuff first. This means I can be up well past midnight if it’s big deadlines but it also means non urgent work gets the fuck it I’m going to bed. I don’t get to choose not to do the household tasks. And like fuck would I be the Christmas organiser etc. Ok darling you said things would change, you’re on your own from now on with your relatives.

What a weird way to live. I'm not really sure why you had a child.

Bit harsh @Katenobody19

OP is there any way you can go freelance? Unless you are living on the breadline in terms of ingoings and outgoings, it would be a good idea to cut your hours and take a hit pay-wise for the sake of the family. I was exhausted just reading that!

By the way, I'm in the same industry (or was, I'm on my second round of mat leave at the moment) and I do get the early evening deadlines. Freelance wasn't an option for me after my first child but I was lucky that DH's wage allowed me to cut to 3 days a week. We were basically all passing ships for those three days, but for the majority of the week I was able to be with my child and we could enjoy the weekends more without playing catch up on the jobs we hadn't got to during the week.

Apologies if it was harsh, but genuine bewilderment.

If neither of you are willing to work less, then you need to buy in more help. I agree a pa/housekeeper sounds a good bet.

I don't actually think it's that crazy.
Dexh and I worked like this for long time.
My thoughts are... You and dh need to sort out morning routine. You need 15 mins for shower and dressing, so he needs to get up 15 mins earlier to take ds while you do shower etc.
That is not a huge thing, and he should agree to that.
Set a schedule so both of you know exactly how mornings work.
Your nanny should have house tidied up and toys away, high chair clean etc.
We had nannies and would come home to spotless houses.
Lots of our nannies cooked dinner for us, did general tidying up etc.
I'd have a chat with her.
Pay for gardener, pay for extra few hours of cleaning to do laundry. Sheets, ironing etc.

And just stop with the Christmas and visits thing... I did... One year just said to dexh.. "I am not doing cards, presents etc for your family, they never say thank you to me, its up to you".
And I just left him to it.
Why do women feel obliged to do all that stuff for effective strangers?

You need to get your cleaner and nanny picking up some of these jobs. Do you get on well enough with them to ask for what you need (renegotiating hours if necessary). Why isn't the nanny wiping the highchair after its used and supporting DC to put away his toys at the end of the day before bath time? If you're both out of the house for 12+ hours a day then no wonder life feels crazy. As others have said, can either or both of you explore flexible working with your employers? Is your DH contracted to work weekends because if its just a choice then he needs to re-evaluate his priorities. It doesn't sound like you have any family fun time at all? What's all that work and presumably income for if its not to give DS the best life you possibly can. That includes making lovely memories with his parents. Walks in the woods, trips to the zoo. It may be you only have a few hours a week but it will be worth it. It sounds like you're treading water and close to burn out. Oh and if you dont already, get robots (we have a robot vacuum and an Alexa that are a godsend) and an app called time tree. It's a shared calendar. Then your DH knows what's on the shopping list and what tasks are coming up so there's no excuse not to pitch in.

Can you freelance?

Your husband needs to pull his weight. Stop letting him use work as an excuse for opting out of doing anything.

You’ll really regret not spending more time with your son in a few years if you don’t change anything now.

I know a couple who love ths life style but I'd imagine it's unsustainable for the majority. You're both incredible for being able to do it but is it the life you want? Do you have options for a career step down with less hour? I Ask because it's something I chose. I think it's fair you do chores more because you have that Friday but honestly both of you need a break!

Just figure out
your priorities-if both of you need to work that much &bring in the£ you either
get extended nanny hours (au-pair will do cooking/cleaning &take care of other business if you select carefully/contract it)or p/t PA..if you really could delegate&put stuff in someone elses lap cut his/your hours..i was in a similar situ&became a lone parent..au pair was a godsend.

So - either we need to buy in more help - or I need to change job

Or you can realise that you are basically a single mum handing everything for you, your dc AND another (albeit adult) child.
Maybe it’s time for a talk and some sort if ultimatum that your DH has to grow up and actually start acting like a father instead of expecting you to be his skivvy (because you are, you are doing everything for him atm bar ironing his shirts!). Point out or him that, for example, if you were to be divorced, he would actually see his dc MORE and would have much more to do (eg cooking, washing etc etc) which he would have no other solution than cut down in his work.....

One of those jobs would be doable if the other was a sahp and was happy to take on the wife and domestic work.

Are there other similar jobs in your field? Local tv or radio? Magazines?

Your dh needs to drop his sport and make space for his family.

Oh and I love how all the answers are about you, OP, as the woman, to actually do all the effort to change your job, reduce your hours, find a housekeeper/au pair/whatever other help with lip service to him actually stepping up as a father and a husband.

Why???
Your issue is basically that

• he doesn’t see ANYTHING bar work as his responsibility
• he has so far refused to change ANYTHING on his lifestyle (and yes I includes working such long hours as a lifestyle CHOICE)

Your issue isn’t about delegating more work to others. Your issue is running much more deeply within your relationship and what is and isn’t acceptable (think what is a woman’s work...).

If you also decide that the work you are doing atm isn’t what you want, this is an entirely different issue. But I would address the relationship issue first before making any drastic changes like this (esp for example, if you love your job or wouldn't be able to find another one as well paid etc....) whilst he is keeping his life the way he wants it.

Under no circumstances change your job or reduce your hours unless this is what you want. Do not do that to support your dhs absence from family life. Sorry but he does not sound a person to rely on.