Help me not be a seething ball of resentment at DH about chores

[yourfamousblueraincoat]

Can you help sort out how on earth to fix the fact I’m drowning after having gone back to work? It’s easy to say get my DH to do more but he is a workaholic and works even harder than I do. I just don’t know what to do. How on earth do people cope with high pressure jobs and more than one child?

This is our schedule:
DH leaves for work at 7.30am and returns at 7pm - spends 20 minutes getting DS aged 15 months to sleep (already in PJs and bathed by nanny). Then he returns to work until about 10pm when we have dinner.
At weekends, he works at least one day out of two and can barely concentrate when having family time. He always makes time for church and watching one sporting event.
In the house, he irons his shirts and takes the bins out about half the time when asked.

I am up with DS anywhere between 5.45 and 7am and get him ready for the day, sometimes skipping a shower as he won’t be left alone. I leave for work (also high pressure job) at 9am, handing DS to the nanny, and return at about 9pm. Then I cook dinner, do dishwasher, clean high chair, do laundry, do admin, tidy toys and go to bed around midnight.
I am also off on Fridays and try to preserve this as time spent with DS without too many chores except in nap time.
We have a cleaner but it doesn’t feel like enough.

I do all bills, DIY, household shopping, negotiating with tradespeople for repairs, organising and tidying for cleaner, all laundry, changing bed sheets, booking holidays, birthday cards, most Christmas presents for both families, all child related research and shopping, booking and attending child medical appointments, random household chores like changing lightbulbs, controlling the heating, setting burglar alarm, liaising with nanny/other childcare, organising our limited social life, preparing beds and meals for when his relatives randomly descend with no warning, sorting garden.

How can I make our lives easier without giving up work? I am a massive seething ball of resentment and just end up sniping at DH on the rare occasions I do get to spend time with him. I have zero time to myself.

I'm confused as to why you started a family when you both weren't prepared to cut back? I have a pressured career but when I had DC I now make a point of being home at 630 for dinner and bedtime and DH swapped shifts around so he could be home when I couldn't to do childcare pick up

I actually don't think you can blame your DH for what he doesn't do - he is after all away from the home much more than you and I really don't think "organising and tidying for the cleaner" and "birthday cards" are really a chores!!!

itwas so it’s ok for her H to leave her ALL the work to do with house (not just the b’day cards!) even though she works full time in a pressure job too?

Seriously, if he was living in his own, even wo children, he would have to do more than what he is currently doing. From that POV, yes, it’s totally ok to blame HIM for his lack of involvement and what he doesn’t do.

When you say your DH goes back to work does he do this at home? My DH has always done this but manages to do other household chores in between doing e mails and writing reports.

It seems your nanny sees more of your DS then either of you do which seems wrong somehow. No one is winning in your current situation. Both of you need to look at your working hours to see where changes can be made to allow you to have a better quality of family life.

I'm not being mean but I have no idea why either of you thought a child would be a good idea. You both literally don't have the time for one.

He is heading for a heart attack. He will never change his hours though. He clearly doesn't really mind being an entirely absent father.

And you both need to hire a housekeeper.

Yes this is no way for either of you to live (although I note your husband gets in one sporting event a week)

No job should take 75 hrs a week none you need a long hard chat really about what your equal and joint responsibilities are and how to deal with them

Thought that I was a workaholic but I’m no where near compared to you pair!

Following the death of my good friends child I have re evaluated everything completely and thoroughly.

I am not far more “present” in my children’s life because I NEED to be with them, I need to see, smell, hold and touch them. I need to laugh with them, run, lift, play and be active with them.
I don’t NEED to be doing anything for 90% of my time with and for colleagues and strangers.

It’s a year today since her child died. It’s a year that she hasn’t held, touched, smelled or been in the presence of that boy. It’s gone, he is gone forever.

I just felt I needed to change it all. DH too, he hasn’t changed but he has adjusted.

This is what did it for us.

What the hell are you both going to do when the child reaches school age? It's all fine when the child is young enough not to really notice absent parents but when they're getting out of school at 1.30 and won't see his Mum till the following morning and won't see his Dad till a brief 20 mins at bedtime......

You can see how the child might start noticing they're essentially living alone?

Sounds bloody awful. Reduce your hours. It's called the gender pay gap. But you'll be a lot happier.

Why does he go back to work till 10. Is that reallly necessary

Did you have a child because you wanted children or did you have a child because it felt like something you were supposed to do and nanny can deal with it anyway?

Your kid wants to be raised by and spend time with their parents. You cannot both work 12 hours plus days. You can't have it all. You need normal working hours and family time, because you're going to end up with a kid who calls the nanny mum and doesn't have a dad figure around at all.

If you give up work your H will use this to justify continuing to work long hours.

And no, your DH isn’t doing a fair share.

Suggest couples counselling.

Your situation sounds grim. Your husband needs to switch off from work as soon as he gets home and spend that time with his family. Eating dinner at 10 is too late. Quality family time is so important. They grow up so quickly, it's important to bond with them when they're little. I went from an hour and half commute at work to a sahm. Im so much happier to spend more time with my children. When theyre at secondary school I'll start working again.

Out of interest, how does he feel about arrangements? Does he think they're ok? Or does he feel exhausted?

(If he feels ok, you need to push him on the fair share of chores...)

OP, so many parallels with my life. And the usual MN ‘your husband needs to step up’ advice. I’m a bit further down the line than you, DC 8&6. It really does get harder once DC are at school.
The ‘you both need to work less’ advice just doesn’t work in some jobs.....we’ll not in a ‘go in on Monday and ask for reduced hours’ kind of way. DH out 7-7.30 most days and then works another couple of hours in the evening and some of every weekend. I’ve cut back as much as I can but out 11 hrs on 3 days and 1/2 day at home. (From 4 days and every 5th weekend). I can’t cut back any more. And I refuse to give up my job as if our marriage falls apart I’ll need it.
The problem with ‘power couples’ (both bringing in 6 figures) is that one in the couple is usually the higher earner (in my experience the DH) And I know several women on 6 figures who have given up professions because their DHs significantly out earn them and it’s close to impossible to keep a family/marriage/house going indefinitely with 2 ‘power’ jobs. You need to outsource everything, and that in itself is a job. We have a nanny/housekeeper for the 3 days I’m at work. Aside for looking after DC she runs all my errands and cooks 50 % of the food we eat. We have a cleaner for 8 hours who does all the cleaning, ironing (we don’t iron much), laundry, and we have a gardener. But they all need managing, and I find that really stressful. My DH has always sorted all the bills, but when DC were small he used to stand at the bottom of the stairs glaring at 7am when I was late for leaving when all he’d done was got up and had a shower and got himself ready....meanwhile I’d got up, had a shower, fed and supervised DC, had my breakfast, made a packed lunch....I’ve perfected the 3 minute shower. DH has improved massively in 8 years (there is Hope), after a few ultimatums (along the lines of, step up or I’m leaving) but the lions share of our domesticity lies with me.....and always will. You do have choices, but they are all hard.

Suggest couples counselling

And when would they have time for that?!

Something has seriously got to give or you’re going to both have a nervous breakdown.

And as I type DH is outside playing with DC.....that was almost unthinkable 18 months ago......it’s been a long slog.

Why did you have a child? It sounds like neither of you see very much of her.

You need to sit down and re assess your priorities ASAP.

Please please don't become a SAHM or go part time with this man.

We had silly hours similar to yours (corporate law in the City). We left London dh continued same work at provincial firm so around e evenings weekends I set up business and wfh. We are around our kids in the way our peers who stayed in the city are not. I would have died inside sitting in my office until 10 every night while my baby was with the nanny. We are less wealthy than we would have been but not moments regret. That said after they e paid all their help and school fees prob not that much in it

I do all bills, DIY, household shopping, negotiating with tradespeople for repairs, organising and tidying for cleaner, all laundry, changing bed sheets, booking holidays, birthday cards, most Christmas presents for both families, all child related research and shopping, booking and attending child medical appointments, random household chores like changing lightbulbs, controlling the heating, setting burglar alarm, liaising with nanny/other childcare, organising our limited social life, preparing beds and meals for when his relatives randomly descend with no warning, sorting garden.

What would happen if you stopped all this?! (I'd certainly stop tidying up for the cleaner!)

I think you need to get into the habit of delegating things to your DH. He can moan and whinge all he likes about not having the time, but so what? You jointly own and therefore need to run your family/house/garden. He doesn't get to opt out of it all.

Have you actually talked to him (properly) about this? And if you have, how does he justify his abdication of responsibility? Does he think his job is more worthy than yours?

Please don't give up your job or career because he won't step up

Don’t you miss spending time with child & missing out on their development? Sounds really depressing that lifestyle.

Like Ncncncagain this has a lot of parallels for me. MN is full of part time workers and sahms who often have an idea that requesting part time or flexibility is a realistic option when it just isn't always. And trying to find a new part time job can be near impossible.

As a start I'd outsorce the ironing and gardening, get the nanny to clean the high chair (she's looking after one child, she should easily be doing ALL child related cleaning, tidying and laundry - including bed changing and sorting out their wardrobe and noting what needs buying etc). Get the cleaner for an extra day, don't eat dinner at 10, have a big lunch at work and grab a sandwich or sushi to eat at your desk or on the way home. Tell him he can buy presents for his own family, and that if they show up, they are his problem. He can skip his church and sporting events to prepare and clean if needed.

Go away for a long weekend with your friends and leave your dd at home with him. By Monday he'll be a lot more aware of all you do!

Then use the extra time all of this will give you to consider how you and your DH need to change things at home. I once wrote a list of all the things I did in a week and DH was shocked. It helped me also to realise what could be handed over, outsourced or just dropped

the way you are both living sounds horrendous. You don't have lives, you have occasional hours between working.

I love my job, but part of what I love is that I can work part-time and have a life too. There isn't a house or a location on earth that is worth losing your life to.

I'd seriously consider why both of you are choosing to live this way.

I would also question his regular church attendance. Yes of course you should respect someone’s religion. But properly having religion should make you a better person. If the single biggest impact it has is precious time you DONT spend with your family then it makes you a worse person. I would suggest evidence that he is living a religious life, cherishing his wife and valuing his family, or i will stop supporting that. No religion says you are too special and important to weed the garden, or anything but love is the most important thing.