Would you resume this relationship?

[Sharpandshineyteeth]

DP of 5 years. We have 1 DC together (3yo) and I have 4 DC from previous marriage.

Relationship always a bit up and down. He would regularly lie to me about little things and could never really stick a job(great catch, I know 🙄)

2 years ago he got a job that was ideal for him but hardly paid and he was working 50+ hours. It caused so many arguments and in the end he drifted away from us. Spent more time at work.

October 2017 I got diagnosed with breast cancer. Horrible scary time, I had chemo x6, radiotherapy, double mastectomy and hysterectomy. He was a complete letdown during this time. He left on numerous occasions. Would leave me after chemo to go to parties etc. He was awful. He last left in feb 2019, after my hysterectomy. I told him via email that I would no longer accept this and he either stayed and tried to make a go of it or didn’t come back. He chose the latter.

FF 3 months and I’m doing great. Enjoying being single, most of my mental health problems have disappeared. I’m coping
With FT work and childcare, which I never thought I would be.

He got wind that I had been on a few online dates and went potty. He said he has finally realised what he lost etc etc.

It’s been 3 weeks of madness, he has been crying, unable to get up, has not gone into his work. He has now been prescribed anti. D for which I think is for his underlying MH issues where he buries his head in the sand, denies it all and makes up lies to cover his back.

But now he is recognising all of this and all that he has put me though. He wants to change and be better for me and the DC. He has done a complete 360 with his thinking.

My issue is, it’s a constant reminder of that horrible time in my life when I really needed him and he was a twat. I feel resentful that he is being the person I needed then, now. I feel like I would be on edge if I ever
Needed him again. He wants to work through all of this. Go to counselling etc etc. Even said he’d get a new job.

I do love him. I am a stronger, more resilient person now, So would you risk it again?

You're the one who has changed. You let him go, you went through a very scary time with multiple big surgeries & cancer treatment, without a partner. You kept going, you raised your kids, you saw your own strength.

You are the one who realised your worth.

Him? He left you to go to parties during chemo! He spent all his time at work instead of supporting you. He walked out on his responsibility to his kids

This is who he is at his core. If it was flipped and he had cancer, I'm sure he would still expect you to drop everything and be there for him

This is a selfish man. He's saying the right words because he has KNOWN all along how he should be treating you but never made the effort.

Which he chose to do. Now his control has slipped and he can no longer feel comfortable about taking you for granted.

All the tears, being depressed... he's entitled to it but where was any emotion when you were sick with a serious illness!

He will do the same if you fell sick again.

also everything he’s promising me now is what I wanted before. 😕

Promises - that is all it is . He showed how he would behave before.

No way. He's shown his true colours. He only wants you back now as you were looking at dating someone else and his ego got bruised.

Fuck no

Too little, too late OP.

Empty promises OP

I’m sorry but I don’t get why you’d even consider this. Your having cancer didn’t change anything for him, he didn’t give a shit, but the threat of seeing you with another man is denting his pride & he doesn’t like that you have the upper hand and seem to be getting on fine without him. That’s all it is. He doesn’t love you or care for you and he’s certainly no different as a person. If you take him back you are really letting yourself down and your children down. It’s so depressing seeing women value themselves so little in this way. Please try and find that self respect for yourself

Agree with Penguin, he has no love or respect for you as a partner of many years, mother of his child and a human being. He only wants you back now because his pride has been dented. Why are you even considering this?

I can't imagine people would leave their dog to suffer through cancer and surgery alone, yet he was capable of doing that to YOU.

Exactly. Agree with previous posters.

The possibility of losing you to cancer didn't wake him up, but the prospect of 'losing' you to another man has?

C'mon, man.

Bloody hell! You are all so right.

Someone up thread said where were his tears when I was faced with cancer. How true it that, he wasn’t bed bound and unable to work then, the total opposite.

I have no idea why I have been sucked back in to this. It’s scary. I’m also not 100% I won’t. That’s scary too.

Words are cheap but oh so tempting. My xh was the master of saying what I wanted to hear. He was so convincing, promised me the world, and would superficially appear to be better for a while, but it never lasted.

You have already rebuilt yourself. All your MH issues have lifted - there’s a reason for that, they were caused by him. Although you feel strong now, it would be so easy to slip back into old patterns. You know he is at his worst when you are at your weakest and least able to leave.

It’s always tempting to go back, because no matter how awful the relationship was, there were good bits and connections too. The problem is that none of the bad bits have gone away. He is not for you, it won’t work and you will be miserable.

Concentrate on co-parenting effectively. He is years too late with his offers to change. When my dh is sad, I want to make things better for him. I don’t wait months until after the fact for him to get upset about my lack of compassion and then promise I will change. His natural drives are selfish and whilst he could try for a while to suppress them, it won’t last.

Choose you, don’t choose him.

If he is capable of giving you those things you wanted in your relationship, then you would have to live with the fact that at the most vulnerable time of your life, when you most needed him, he chose not to, he chose instead to fuck you over. That he knew what you wanted from him, what you needed, and chose not to give it. Not that he couldn't, or didn't understand, but that he knew and could have, but chose not to.

You’ve proved what an incredibly strong woman you are. Don’t backtrack now Op.

Absolutely no way. He’s shown you who he is. Don’t fall for crocodile tears

No. He just wants to stop you from moving on. He wants you to be hung up on him.

Many years ago a colleague was with someone who treated her like dirt, left her when pregnant with his child, moved in with someone else. Years later once she thought she was finally over him and dating someone else he came crawling back - sounds so similar to your situation, promised her the world etc.

She took him back and it was a huge mistake, he hadn't changed he was still abusive, treated her like dirt, reneged on promises of marriage and more kids. Got into huge debts (repeatedly) that she paid off. Honestly she is utterly miserable but too ground down to leave. It's tragic but there is nothing anyone can do for her.

So in summary do not do it. He has the chance to behave like a decent human and demonstrated its beyond him.

no no no leopards and spots come to mind hed soon go back to his old ways if you weaken just remember where he was at the worst time in your life

Not a chance

You would be beyond stupid to take him back and although you say you love him, it's probably more a habit than love.

Take a moment. Think back to when you were at your lowest. He was a fucking coward and ran away - remember how you felt about him then - I bet it wasn't love. He let you down at every critical stage of your illness how more contemptible can he get?

Remember that every time you feel your resolve weakening.

I wish you all the best without this scumbag in your life.

Words are cheap. When someone SHOWS you who they are, believe them, as the sayings go. He showed you who he is, a really selfish person. This is all about HIM, he doesn't love you. He just doesn't want anyone else to have you and is missing his stable and secure base, after finding out what it's like to date again. He left you when you needed him the most, at one of the most vulnerable times in your life. Can you even begin to IMAGINE doing that to someone you claim to love? NO... There's your answer. He's just a parasite.

No, he’s only back now things have calmed down. He’d be off again at the slightest hurdle.

God no!

Read your OP, OP.

These words are so strong and powerful!! It is helping me immensely.

Also, he has acted like a dick again today. Crossed a million boundaries. He’ll blame it all on his mental health again tomorrow but so many words are echoing from this thread!!

Don't let him sucker you, OP. He can't even sustain his so-called turnaround a few weeks, as he's just demonstrated.

Drop contact to practical stuff relating to the kids only so he doesn't get the chance to wheedle back in. He's no good.

Fuck those that fuck you.
He let you down at your darkest darkest time.
What sort of a bastard could do that!!!???

Once an arsewipe, always an arsewipe!
You survived, without his help and he now realises that he doesn't figure as the most important person in your life, he has lost his power, and it bothers him.
Do NOT give him the satisfaction of making him the VIP again, because he will dissapoint and hurt you make no mistake.