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Original poster

Would you resume this relationship?

115 replies

Sharpandshineyteeth · 01/06/2019 19:55

DP of 5 years. We have 1 DC together (3yo) and I have 4 DC from previous marriage.

Relationship always a bit up and down. He would regularly lie to me about little things and could never really stick a job(great catch, I know 🙄)

2 years ago he got a job that was ideal for him but hardly paid and he was working 50+ hours. It caused so many arguments and in the end he drifted away from us. Spent more time at work.

October 2017 I got diagnosed with breast cancer. Horrible scary time, I had chemo x6, radiotherapy, double mastectomy and hysterectomy. He was a complete letdown during this time. He left on numerous occasions. Would leave me after chemo to go to parties etc. He was awful. He last left in feb 2019, after my hysterectomy. I told him via email that I would no longer accept this and he either stayed and tried to make a go of it or didn’t come back. He chose the latter.

FF 3 months and I’m doing great. Enjoying being single, most of my mental health problems have disappeared. I’m coping
With FT work and childcare, which I never thought I would be.

He got wind that I had been on a few online dates and went potty. He said he has finally realised what he lost etc etc.

It’s been 3 weeks of madness, he has been crying, unable to get up, has not gone into his work. He has now been prescribed anti. D for which I think is for his underlying MH issues where he buries his head in the sand, denies it all and makes up lies to cover his back.

But now he is recognising all of this and all that he has put me though. He wants to change and be better for me and the DC. He has done a complete 360 with his thinking.

My issue is, it’s a constant reminder of that horrible time in my life when I really needed him and he was a twat. I feel resentful that he is being the person I needed then, now. I feel like I would be on edge if I ever
Needed him again. He wants to work through all of this. Go to counselling etc etc. Even said he’d get a new job.

I do love him. I am a stronger, more resilient person now, So would you risk it again?

OP posts:
BettyBrownIsInTown · 01/06/2019 20:33

Absolutely no way! You are a stronger, more resilient person now because you've been separated from him. Please keep him at very long arms length and enjoy life with your children.

Ju2166 · 01/06/2019 20:43

No, he won't change. He just doesn't want anyone else to have you

Treacletoots · 01/06/2019 20:47

Fuck no. Please do not do this to yourself. You're in a good place. Stay there. He is NOT a nice person.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/06/2019 20:47

No, no and no again. He is telling you simply what you want to hear.

I am wondering if you are confusing love with codependency. Read about codependency

welliesarefuntowear · 01/06/2019 20:47

It have recently separated from my partner of 27 years. He's been really horrible and manipulative to me and was an arsehole when my mum died earlier this year. I'm quite worried that this will happen to me in a way, but I have to remind myself constantly how unhappy he made me. I'm watching this thread with interest. Good luck whatever you decide, but your happiness and mental well being must be paramount in any decision you make. You got through breast cancer on your own. It sounds like you deserve someone who recognises your courage. You are worth so much more.

Mummoomoocow · 01/06/2019 20:49

Sounds like he’s making a start but could be exactly like every PP says and backfire.

If he needs you now he can wait a year or two while he fixes himself up for you.

Original poster
Sharpandshineyteeth · 01/06/2019 20:52

Oh yeah it wouldn’t be immediate.
I’m not sure I’d ever have him move back in. But the more I’m reading the more I’m thinking, why??

OP posts:
MaudebeGonne · 01/06/2019 20:52

I would go as far to say that if he truly loved you, if he was truly ashamed of his behaviour (which he absolutely should be), he would never, ever do anything like this to you. He would never add to your stress and struggle. He would realise that you deserve so much better than a man who treated you like that. He would put your needs (and your children's needs) above his own. But no, he has seen you getting healthy, getting strong, thriving without him. Do he presents himself as a snivelling, sobbing wreck and demands you focus all that positive energy on him.

So hell no. Look how much better everything has been without him.

GileadWivesAreFashionIcons · 01/06/2019 20:54

The NO-est of all the NO’s.

magoria · 01/06/2019 20:54

He was happy to abandon his own child when their mother was going through hell to go out and party.

Your DC have been through enough. Please don't allow this selfish sack of shit to mess their life up more.

It isn't for your benefit it is for his.

pisces12 · 01/06/2019 20:55

No way.
I think if it was a mutual breakup it would be different but he treated you like shit and only says he wants you back because you've moved on (he obviously thought you'd be pining after him for the rest if your life).

DrunkUnicorn · 01/06/2019 20:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HollowTalk · 01/06/2019 20:59

Absolutely not. When you really, really needed him, he left you. That's unforgivable.

Thequaffle · 01/06/2019 21:01

He was not there for you when you needed him the most. When you needed him more than you would ever need someone ever.
That is a massive FAIL as a partner.

Leave him in the bin.

CodenameVillanelle · 01/06/2019 21:03

He's promising all that to get you back. He won't deliver.

Namastbae · 01/06/2019 21:06

Nah.

FlipFloppyFlop · 01/06/2019 21:11

No way. He abandoned you during the most horrific and tragic time of your life. You would be mental to let him back in! Stay focused on you, your kids and your health. Be happy. Wishing you all the best OP.

LonginesPrime · 01/06/2019 21:14

God no - of course not.

yearinyearout · 01/06/2019 21:15

Do not even consider it. He's only performing because he can't bear the thought of you moving on! Well done on getting your life back on track, you are doing brilliantly on your own and you don't need this tool back in your life ✋🏻

HollowTalk · 01/06/2019 21:19

There's a little routine that men like this practice, OP.

1 They let you down in a devastating way
2 When you seem to be doing OK, they want you back
3 When you say no way, they cry
4 When you still don't cave in, they threaten suicide
5 Then they find someone else - someone who's usually been around a lot longer than you realise, through all the above stages
6 Then they blame you
7 Then they try to stop paying child maintenance
8 Then they get the other woman pregnant

Windmillwhirl · 01/06/2019 21:19

How is your self esteem since the surgery?

This man has let you down when you really needed him. What kind of partner is that?

I can only echo everyone else, please look at what he offers you: sweet fcuk all.

palahvah · 01/06/2019 21:20

No.

At the moment he is all talk. He has shown you over years what he is actually like. What evidence have you that he has actually changed? That he has sustained different behaviour?

By all means he can go to counselling and get himself sorted out to be a better father, but why on earth should he be able to do any more of it on your time.

Of course you miss him. Of course you want to hang on to the idea that he could change because it's the most flattering thing in the world for someone to do for you. Of course it sounds easier to parent together than separately. But don't you deserve better.

A 360 turn can look impressive but you end up facing the same way you started...

clucky3 · 01/06/2019 21:22

So much nope

OldAndWornOut · 01/06/2019 21:32

I would say that if you took him back, he would now know that you have no boundaries whatsoever, and would treat you worse than ever.
(If there is anything left that's worse than what he has already done)

Original poster
Sharpandshineyteeth · 01/06/2019 21:36

@windmillwhirl it’s ok actually. It not about needing some or not being able to find anyone else. It’s about the connection we have bla bla bla 😂

OP posts:
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