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Original poster

Cross dressing husband

82 replies

Tiredmotherof3 · 01/06/2019 19:38

I don’t know if I am going mad or totally soft. I married my DH 19 yrs ago. Everything was great he was my BFF and we done so much together. Then one day not long after our DS was born I found women’s clothes hidden in his bag. When confronted he said it was from ages ago, that his ex GF got him into it and he would never do it again. I believed him. We went on to have a beautiful DD and moved out of London. Shortly after DD no2 was born. Life was great. We started going through some difficulties, he was getting over familiar with a women at work, then accused her of stalking him. We worked through it. Then I had a bout of depression. He wasn’t totally supportive of it. Then again I found female underwear and a dress hidden, he said he was really sorry and it wouldn’t happen again, I didn’t want any of the children finding it. Then we started having other issues, and he walked out on us without explanation. Six months later I took him back. Things never went back to how they were. Well 4 years on and my youngest DD found ladies clothing hidden in his bag. He hasn’t denied anything not even that he may of worn the clothes in my bed. (We use the same bed but sleep at different times 1 due to his job and 2 I never got over him walking out and accusing me of faking my depression saying it wasn’t real as mental illness is. It real.) I now have loved him into our back from as I can’t have him even in the same bedroom. The children all know about it but find it hard to get that dad likes to wear women’s clothes. I just can’t kick him out this is his house as well and he would have nowhere to go, but also I can’t love a man that has lied so long and so much and also wants to wear women’s clothes. Am I being unreasonable to suggest we have a legal separation. Sorry for the waffle

OP posts:
Yewneekusername · 03/06/2019 08:13

Exactly Tinsel. Whatever people think about it, the OP is not happy which is why she posted. She has every right to be unhappy. The issue is not his right to dress as he wants. He has every right to do want he wants, just as she has every right to end the marriage if she’s unhappy with that. She did not sign up to this, he deliberately hid it from her for years and if she had known about this before marriage then she may have made a different choice. Think about how she’s feeling, her boundaries and her rights to chose.

Original poster
Tiredmotherof3 · 03/06/2019 08:19

I am the OP for all you trivialising this issue of it’s only a kink. Well how would you feel if your H only felt good and fulfilled when dressed in women’s clothes. How does that make you feel as a person, a woman, a mother. We haven’t had sex for over 4yrs I suffer with depression and anxiety, not doing much for my self a-steam. He hasn’t patented the DC and I have supported all the school trips they have done on a 3rd of his wages as he refuses to let them go saying “he” can’t afford it. So it is a big deal him wanting to wear women’s clothes and underwear even if it is in his own when he has promised twice to stop it as I can’t cope with having another women in our marriage.

OP posts:
poobumwee · 03/06/2019 08:22

He hasn't treated you well for a number of years-and it's not just how he chooses to dress. His lack of understanding when you were unwell was selfish. If you legally separate could you put up with sharing the house with him still ? What would the plan be when the kids are older. Get good legal advice about what kind of detail/eventualities you need to allow for. And make sure your will clearly states your wishes now. Good luck OP

TinselAngel · 03/06/2019 08:23

Tired, I'm so sorry there are still ignorant people that judge us. At least Mumsnet FWR board has given us a platform to support each other.

And there are also a lot of supportive comments on this thread too. Thanks

birdsdestiny · 03/06/2019 08:54

Tired, I know many of people have already said this but support is there on FWR, there are many women who have been through what you are experiencing, and also many women who whilst not having experienced this, understand women's boundaries. I think they would be a good means of support for you. Flowers

Yewneekusername · 03/06/2019 08:56

I’m so sorry OP. You shouldn’t have to be dealing with this. I completely understand. There is another woman in your marriage and unfortunately she will always be there and at times will take priority over everything. Please do feel that you can keep posting for support. There are always a few idiots who don’t understand but feel the need to be unsupportive and judgemental anyway. There are far more of us who do understand and who will support you through this.

RiversDisguise · 03/06/2019 09:02

You sound very worn down, OP. No sex for four years? Financial abuse? And this huge, unignorable thing that most women would find sexually repulsive.

You can have a good life away from this lying, abusive narcissist.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 03/06/2019 09:08

I find it somewhat repulsive that so many women think it's ok to end a relationship with a man because he likes to wear women's clothing.

I find it repulsive that you seem to think that women have to have what you think is an acceptable reason to end a relationship.

I would find a man who cross dressed a total sexual turn off. Men who cross dress have a repellent attitude to women. Their fantasy is to be a kind of submissive baby doll fuck toy - and if you don't believe me just check out the many sites that deal with this fetish.

I wouldn't want to have sex with a man who cross dressed and I think OP has put up with far too much already. Knowing about her DH's kink has been very distressing for her and I am very angry on her behalf for the posters who are minimising her experience.

SpamChaudFroid · 03/06/2019 09:44

It's not just a harmless hobby, I could not have sex with a man in drag, I know, I've tried. I still have nightmares about Pat Butcher to this day, (that's who he resembled in drag).

I couldn't bring myself to do it again, so he'd look at porn and jizz into a pair of stockings. I know this because my dad found a load of stiff, stuck together stockings and a pile of wank mags, (all depicting tiny Asian women being gang-banged anally) behind the bathroom radiator when he was painting. My dad left them in a little pile on the landing and didn't say anything to me, which in a way was even more excruciating. Thankfully I'm no longer with him.

And yes, of course men have the right to wear whatever they fancy. Just as any woman has the right to refuse ANYTHING she is not comfy with. And if it gives you the ick OP, along with the gaslighting (depression isn't a mental illness(?)), lack of support, lying, involvement with other women, etc. etc., you are completely reasonable to want to separate. He seems quite devoted to his kink, and will it not escalate once the children have left home and he has more "freedom" in the house?

user1467480231 · 10/06/2019 12:37

Haven't had time recently to look at this thread for a few days.

Apparently my ex used to get dressed in not only my clothes but my teenaged daughter's and wank over them. Now, tell me, the people who think cross dressing is fine....do you still feel the same way?

Grumpelstilskin · 10/06/2019 12:41

A cross-dressing man to me is an instant and permanent turn-off. Game-over and end of relationship. Not even worthy of any agonising long discussions.

user1467480231 · 10/06/2019 13:27

Grumpelstilskin - when long marriages and kids are involved it's not that simple. I wish it were. Having said that, having sex once.. and only once with my ex husband dressed as Dame Edna was enough to make want to never have sex again.... leg hairs sticking through fishnet stockings and an erection poking out of a pair of Marks and Sparks g-strings. Barf....

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 10/06/2019 13:45

I understand your point about how hard it is to break up a long relationship with DC, user1467480231. However for me any attempt to bring cross dressing into our sex life would turn me off instantly and permanently. I've investigated the thinking behind the fetish and it's revolting in its misogyny. I don't know how many years I'd be prepared to put up with a sexless marriage to a man who is aroused by the idea that women are submissive sluts, defined by lingerie. Not many for sure.

A family friend went through this. He was much better looking than her and made it clear how very lucky she was to have him. Their sex life was always dreadful. He told her this was because she was so inhibited. It wasn't. It was because his demands were all about his fetish and she found them a total turn off. She didn't sign up for a "lesbian" relationship with a 6'3" bloke.

madcatladyforever · 10/06/2019 13:51

My husband did all that stuff and fetishism plus kept going out to kink clubs. I'm afraid it was the death of our relationship too. I wouldn't blame you.

Grumpelstilskin · 10/06/2019 13:59

I did not say it was simple but that it was an instant and visceral reaction for me. It may take time to sort practical matters but it would break irrevocably for me in that very moment. Women don’t have to be nice or ignore their own comfort zone, boundaries or sexual turnoffs to pander to men.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 10/06/2019 14:00

Women don’t have to be nice or ignore their own comfort zone, boundaries or sexual turnoffs to pander to.

Precisely. The notion that female sexuality exists solely for the consumption of males is false and abusive.

ClarkeMurphy · 10/06/2019 14:08

OP, it is absolutely fine to not be okay with your partner's fetish. It is a good enough reason to leave (if that is what you want). There are loads of fetishes I couldn't live with. If this is one you can't live with that's really okay.

user1467480231 · 10/06/2019 14:49

I hate that the OP is going through this too, but I hope she realises what it's been like for many of us. I am now divorced and could never go back to living with a cross dresser. They will never change so it's up to her whether she can put up with this for a life time.
It's hard loving your husband but hating "Chardonnay Pinky-poo" with crotchless pants and a knack of snagging all your tights !

Moralitym1n1 · 10/06/2019 15:13

let's go hairs sticking through fishnet stockings

He didn't bother depilating? Now that's truly deserves a divorce WinkGrin.

Moralitym1n1 · 10/06/2019 15:14

*that

Moralitym1n1 · 10/06/2019 15:16

I can truly think of few bigger turn offs than a man you're supposedvto fancy and have sex with dressing in women's lingerie and clothing.

user87382294757 · 10/06/2019 15:21

Sorry to interrupt but can I ask your views also on if they wear feminine type clothing such as crocheted shorts in colourful stripes, little bells on ribbons and things like that? Also shaving body hair and wearing pink g-string (but a mens one) so kind of feminine clothes although not strictly for women, kind of unisex? Does that kind of thing tend to lead on to other stuff? Thanks

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 10/06/2019 15:41

Sounds like the thin end of the wedge, user87382294757. If this is your DP he may be trying your boundaries. I'm no expert but I do know that men don't start by expecting you to welcome them in full fetish gear. No, they start small and then build.

LittleDoll · 10/06/2019 16:14

Me and my partner are heavily into this and no way should you stay. Hes treating you appallingly. Would you be any happier with his behaviour without the cross dressing?

My partner was honest with me before I committed. He told me everything and said he couldn't live with himself if he let me find out later on and hed never believe I weren't just staying because by then I'd be tied in so to speak.

Someone said this isnt just a kink and they're so right. For me and my partner it's a mental health thing and a manifestation of other fully fledged personalities. It doesn't stop in the bedroom. For us we literally have more than one fully fledged personality with their own sets of emotional needs. That we need to balance in order to be able to function normally in every day situations.

The behaviour described throughout much of this thread is nothing like us or our circle. Do not let anyone use it as a way to guilt you. You need to make the right choice for you no one else regardless of their mental or emotional state.

user87382294757 · 10/06/2019 16:56

Ok, I see. I have two boys also early teens and they (well one) is starting to copy DH a little bit! It isn't percy stuff though so am trying to be open minded for now. I hate the thing of all boys DC clothing being so brown / male sometimes anyway and have always allowed them to wear the colours they like etc. It's kind of different from kinky stuff. I mean the DC don;t copy the pants etc or know about them of course!

i wonder about people like Philippa Perry as of course Grayson Perry wears women's clothes and she doesn't seem to mind, or her daughter. Maybe it depends how much it affects you.