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Relationships

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Original poster

Cross dressing husband

82 replies

Tiredmotherof3 · 01/06/2019 19:38

I don’t know if I am going mad or totally soft. I married my DH 19 yrs ago. Everything was great he was my BFF and we done so much together. Then one day not long after our DS was born I found women’s clothes hidden in his bag. When confronted he said it was from ages ago, that his ex GF got him into it and he would never do it again. I believed him. We went on to have a beautiful DD and moved out of London. Shortly after DD no2 was born. Life was great. We started going through some difficulties, he was getting over familiar with a women at work, then accused her of stalking him. We worked through it. Then I had a bout of depression. He wasn’t totally supportive of it. Then again I found female underwear and a dress hidden, he said he was really sorry and it wouldn’t happen again, I didn’t want any of the children finding it. Then we started having other issues, and he walked out on us without explanation. Six months later I took him back. Things never went back to how they were. Well 4 years on and my youngest DD found ladies clothing hidden in his bag. He hasn’t denied anything not even that he may of worn the clothes in my bed. (We use the same bed but sleep at different times 1 due to his job and 2 I never got over him walking out and accusing me of faking my depression saying it wasn’t real as mental illness is. It real.) I now have loved him into our back from as I can’t have him even in the same bedroom. The children all know about it but find it hard to get that dad likes to wear women’s clothes. I just can’t kick him out this is his house as well and he would have nowhere to go, but also I can’t love a man that has lied so long and so much and also wants to wear women’s clothes. Am I being unreasonable to suggest we have a legal separation. Sorry for the waffle

OP posts:

user1467480231 · 02/06/2019 20:32

It's not as simple as a "little kink" it's SO much more. My ex purged his lady clothes endlessly, spending so much money that he blew the entire deposit for our house. I found out that when he went on business trips, he bought ladies clothes then binned them on the way back. This included expensive heels, make up, wigs, corsets etc, etc, etc.
It's not only the money thing, it's the way they make you feel about yourself. I felt ugly and unsexy and couldn't understand why other men were attracted to me, yet my ex barely looked at me or wanted sex. He was in fact, masturbating into my stockings, stealing my make-up and clothes and climbing into bed next to me wearing baby doll outfits which he'd then slip out of before I woke.
I only saw him dressed as a woman once, (when I tried to save our marriage) and we had sex. I can hand on heart, say that it was the most revolting, disturbing and unsatisfying 20 mins of my life.

Italiangreyhound · 02/06/2019 22:36

user1467480231 that sounds incredibly hard.

HennyPennyHorror · 02/06/2019 22:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

oldfatandtired1 · 02/06/2019 23:09

Henny - with respect, you have obviously never been in a relationship with a cross dresser. As others have said, more eloquently than I, it is not only clothes.

Yewneekusername · 02/06/2019 23:18

Henny read my previous post and those of others who have been through this before judging their decisions. I hope you’re not being serious but i’ll bite.... It is NOT a harmless fetish and it’s not just about clothes. My husband tried to give me that line and it’s bullshit. It’s not just about a man wearing a dress, it’s a full transformation when they do it-shaving bodily hair, fake boobs, tucking penises away, wigs, a fuck ton of make up and often a different persona that they have invented for themselves. I married a man. I am attracted to men. If I had wanted to marry a woman then I could have done but I didn’t want to so seeing my husband dressed as a woman is a massive turn off. It is one thing if you enter a relationship knowing that your partner likes to cross dress but this isn’t the case for most. They find out by accident after many years together and realise that they have been lied to for years. They question everything about their relationship and about themselves and it is devastating. Please don’t undermine the issues here.

Moralitym1n1 · 02/06/2019 23:21

Imagine if a man ended a relationship with a woman because she didn't wear makeup and liked jeans and flat shoes.

That analogy doesn't work.

The equivalent is a woman dressing entirely in men's clothes, with fake facial hair, and probably a fake penis (most transvestites wear padded bras and underwear that confines/hides their make genitals) etc.

I would quite a lot of money most hetero men not wanting to have sex with or a relationship with a woman like that.

Moreover they often go outside dressed up, so the man would have to be ok withbtgeir wife/gf going out dressed/styled as a man too.

Not quite sure what you don't grasp about this.

HennyPennyHorror · 02/06/2019 23:22

Yewneek I think that sounds more like a frustrated drag queen than a cross dresser. I'm not undermining the issue but I do struggle with societal norms a lot. It should be ok for people to wear what they want to wear when they want to wear it.

Men should not feel the need to hide their predilections....then there wouldn't be the subterfuge you've gone through. I accept completely that finding out your husband is into cross dressing by accident is shocking....but it shouldn't be. It's a symptom of many of our issues today that men have to hide this.

Moralitym1n1 · 02/06/2019 23:22

*male genitals

Moralitym1n1 · 02/06/2019 23:25

Men should not feel the need to hide their predilections...

No, they definitely shouldn't. They should be upfront, open and honest from the beginning and give women the he opportunity to decide whether they want to enter into a relationship with a transvestite before they do.

And you're fooling yourself if you think.most women wouldn't say 'no, thank you'.

There's no puking icon on MN but that would be my reaction to any man I had a relationship/sex with dressing up in women's clothes etc.

Moralitym1n1 · 02/06/2019 23:30

There's be reason mainstream male strippers aimed at heterosexual women wear firemen's uniforms, policemen's uniforms, (male) army/navy uniforms, cowboy outfits etc. .. and not women's clothing; know what I'm saying.

Moralitym1n1 · 02/06/2019 23:31

There's a reason

Josuk · 03/06/2019 02:22

I think a lot of people here are projecting their situation on the OP....
Her H is NOT a transsexual
He does NOT spend their family fortune on endless female clothes
He does NOT slip into their bed cross-dressed and change before the morning
He does NOT behave like a moody addict waiting for the next fix
There are NO fake boobs, shaved body hair, or ‘full transformation’..
And, as a result
OP does NOT seem to question his or her sexuality, or attractiveness...

OP’s H’s fetish seems to be mild and occasional. And different from the more extreme versions some of the posters have described.
In a grand scheme of things - if other parts of the relationship worked OK - this seems like a minor issue - if one were to allow their partner a bit it freedom to be themselves in private, when no one sees/knows.
But relationship seems on the rocks, even without this issues

OneInAMillionYou · 03/06/2019 02:42

How vile for you OP. I'd be making a solicitor's appointment and divorcing him as fast as humanly possible. How fucking dishonest of him to marry you without giving you 'full disclosure' so you could make your own mind up about marrying someone like him.

The apologists saying 'oh it's just like a hobby" and "let him have space to do this". Like fuck. We all own our own sexuality, or should do, and he shouldn't get to appear the happily married man at the expense of your happiness. Presumably OP is not a lesbian, is attracted to men, and thought she was marrying one.
He can go and find like minded pals and swop make up tips with them.

BitOfFun · 03/06/2019 02:53

Josuk, I think you might be slightly naive about the general progression of these things.

Yewneekusername · 03/06/2019 07:35

Henny you are still wildly and possibly deliberately missing the point. It’s not about being a ‘frustrated drag queen’. This is what cross dressing involves. I have absolutely no problem with men choosing to dress as they please but like the OP I take issue when it’s my husband and he has knowingly and deliberately withheld this information from her. Most cross dressers start and know before the age of 10. I appreciate it is difficult to come to terms with this at first and it may take some time but by the time they make a commitment to someone in their 20s or 30s they should be doing the decent thing by telling her who they are so she can make the decision whether she wants this part of her life or not. There’s very often a sexual element to it so finding out does change your relationship fundamentally. Then because it is out in the open there is always the pressure to accept and for so many women the emotional abuse starts.
Josuk no one is projecting. I have read about this extensively and spoken to several women in the same situation. Their stories are scarily similar and finding some women’s clothes is unfortunately just the tip of the iceberg. The OP had at no point said that her husband’s cross dressing is mild and occasional. She has said that she doesn’t know the extent and hasn’t asked. What she does know is that he’s promised to stop more than once and hasn’t. This is very typical behaviour. It IS a compulsion and cross dressers find that it is all consuming when they need to do it. Every therapist my husband has been to has understood this. How is hiding a part of your personality and sexual identity from the person closest to you not a big deal. Believe me, it is and you’re being very naive to suggest otherwise.
The OP has posted for support. If you don’t have a grasp of the issues or have anything supportive to say then what’s the point of posting.

Moralitym1n1 · 03/06/2019 07:41

Her H is NOT a transsexual
He does NOT spend their family fortune on endless female clothes
He does NOT slip into their bed cross-dressed and change before the morning
He does NOT behave like a moody addict waiting for the next fix
There are NO fake boobs, shaved body hair, or ‘full transformation’..

YET.

(Also that's presuming he's totally upfront & honest about what he does; which many people are not).

Moralitym1n1 · 03/06/2019 07:45

In a grand scheme of things - if other parts of the relationship worked OK - this seems like a minor issue - if one were to allow their partner a bit it freedom to be themselves in private, when no one sees/knows.

She knows!

It's a total turn off for many women.

It affects your feelings for them.

Would you expect a man to tolerate it; why do women always have to understand, tolerate, be 'kind', accept whatever their partner throws at them. She can have boundaries, and this is a completely valid one.

Moralitym1n1 · 03/06/2019 07:46

If this seems like a minor issue to you, I have to wonder.

RiversDisguise · 03/06/2019 07:50

You poor thing. I think it would be understandable for you to end the marriage for any number of reasons. The crossdressing is unattractive but unsupportiveness during depression, lies etc- nah, you can do better.

birdsdestiny · 03/06/2019 07:52

Actually even if it is only cross dressing and doesn't escalate, op is entitled to have her own boundaries. If dh announced he was going to move to Iceland I would leave him, if dh decided he was into s & m I would leave. I am sure in the same way there are lines for dh about things I might do. Women are entitled to their own boundaries.

TinselAngel · 03/06/2019 07:53

I find it somewhat repulsive that so many women think it's ok to end a relationship with a man because he likes to wear women's clothing.

Just when you think the tide has turned and people have begun to understand our situation, somebody comes along with ignorant bollocks like this. There's no excuse for this on MN, it's not as if the matter isn't regularly discussed.

Why can't people educate themselves before coming on a thread to imply the OP and women like her are "repulsive". How is that helpful when somebody's life is falling apart?

RiversDisguise · 03/06/2019 07:54

Yep. It sounds like OP has overlooked and forgiven a lot of aberrant behaviour of the years in order to try to keep the family together. A bag of knickers might sound like very little, but it could well be the straw. I hope for the sake of OP's future self in 5 or 10 years' time that it is.

TinselAngel · 03/06/2019 07:56

If you can't be bothered to read the trans widows threads, and don't believe women who've been through it, try this:

sillyolme.wordpress.com/advice-for-wivesgirlfriends-of-autogynephiles/

user1467480231 · 03/06/2019 08:03

I've done a lot of research in the three years since I found out about my ex husband. In that time I've spoken to hundreds of cross dressers. I would say about 99% of them admit to knowing from an early age that they felt more female than male, however because of the way society is/was they hid it. They also admit to feeling that they "had" to get married to a woman despite knowing deep down that they were lying to their wives. Many loved their wives, yet much preferred to spend time with the "perfect" woman of their dreams (themselves dressed up) than be intimate with their wives.
In any marriage or relationship, finding out that there has been decades of lying is crushing. This would be the same for people who had affairs, addictions etc.
I reitereate... you don't know until you've been there. Believe me....

TinselAngel · 03/06/2019 08:09

And as for frustrated drag queen’
You do understand drag queens are generally gay? Which is hardly a better outcome for the OP.

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