Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cross dressing husband

82 replies

Tiredmotherof3 · 01/06/2019 19:38

I don’t know if I am going mad or totally soft. I married my DH 19 yrs ago. Everything was great he was my BFF and we done so much together. Then one day not long after our DS was born I found women’s clothes hidden in his bag. When confronted he said it was from ages ago, that his ex GF got him into it and he would never do it again. I believed him. We went on to have a beautiful DD and moved out of London. Shortly after DD no2 was born. Life was great. We started going through some difficulties, he was getting over familiar with a women at work, then accused her of stalking him. We worked through it. Then I had a bout of depression. He wasn’t totally supportive of it. Then again I found female underwear and a dress hidden, he said he was really sorry and it wouldn’t happen again, I didn’t want any of the children finding it. Then we started having other issues, and he walked out on us without explanation. Six months later I took him back. Things never went back to how they were. Well 4 years on and my youngest DD found ladies clothing hidden in his bag. He hasn’t denied anything not even that he may of worn the clothes in my bed. (We use the same bed but sleep at different times 1 due to his job and 2 I never got over him walking out and accusing me of faking my depression saying it wasn’t real as mental illness is. It real.) I now have loved him into our back from as I can’t have him even in the same bedroom. The children all know about it but find it hard to get that dad likes to wear women’s clothes. I just can’t kick him out this is his house as well and he would have nowhere to go, but also I can’t love a man that has lied so long and so much and also wants to wear women’s clothes. Am I being unreasonable to suggest we have a legal separation. Sorry for the waffle

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 01/06/2019 19:41

No, you wouldn't be remotely unreasonable to separate from him. I couldn't be in a relationship with a tranvestite either.

It's also possible there's more going on with him.

I'd look into all the financial, access etc things you need to in order to get prepared.

Moralitym1n1 · 01/06/2019 19:42

Sorry by accedd, I meant child access/custody arrangements.

Don't tell him you are, you're best to do your research and be prepared before you do.

Moralitym1n1 · 01/06/2019 19:43

His attitude towards your bout of depression was/is very shitty too.

Sarahjconnor · 01/06/2019 19:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Tiredmotherof3 · 01/06/2019 19:46

Thanks it’s the financial side that worries my my children are 17, 15, and 13 the youngest of which has a mild brain injury and receives disability allowance. I can’t afford on my wages a house to rent for us nor take on the mortgage fully. Neither could he afford the mortgage and bills plus give me maintenance money. Is it unfair to expect him to rent the room from me but live separate lives so we actually go our own ways. This way I know we both have a roof over our heads.

OP posts:
Sarahjconnor · 01/06/2019 19:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

oldfatandtired1 · 01/06/2019 19:48

You’re not unreasonable at all. And get yourself over to the trans-widows support thread on ‘Feminism chat’ if you need more support. Flowers

Original poster
Tiredmotherof3 · 01/06/2019 19:49

Thanks

OP posts:
MyHomey · 01/06/2019 19:50

Do you know the details of his cross dressing? Is he cheating too? It's a difficult situation and I feel for you.

TurboTeddy · 01/06/2019 19:51

You might find this link to another MN thread helpful.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3471122-trans-widows-escape-committee-2-the-trans-widows-strike-back

All the best

Original poster
Tiredmotherof3 · 01/06/2019 20:12

Hi myhoney. I don’t want to ask to many specifics about where and when he’s dressing it could be all the time under his clothes I just can’t bear the thought of it. He says the episode of what I call cheating In The past we’re not cheating, each time he said he was just being very friendly with the other two women. One was in work and one was a sister of a work friend. But the messages and chats on social media looked a lot more than just friendly chats I think he wanted more.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 01/06/2019 20:26

You seem to have such a mix of issues there - him leaving; waving a wandering eye; and cross dressing...
The first two issues may be connected, the last one is separate....
It’s hard to tell how your relationship is in general, but seems that after he left and came back it hasn’t healed properly....
On cross-dressing - it does appear that on its own it is his well hidden kink that could have stayed hidden. And it wasn’t escalating into anything. And that he is predominantly straight.
I know MN seems to be up in arms about it - but for me there is an element of privacy involved here. He wasn’t hurting anyone, it seems like it was his private thing. Dragging it into the open, and discussing it with teenage kids is wrong.
Teenager who snooped into her father’s bag should also understand that adults have a right to privacy. Just like - I am sure - she demands her own privacy. Would she be happy if her siblings or patents snooped in her diary? Etc.

In the end if the day - he has a right to be him. But you have a right to reject him. Not judge, but not want him in your life.
Or - alternatively - you can try to two to him and try understand.
He is still the same man you met 20 years ago. And he had carried around a secret he wasn’t able to share with anyone. It’s not an easy way to live.

Original poster
Tiredmotherof3 · 01/06/2019 20:52

I have not thought of him as anything but straight. I didn’t drag it t into the open and discus it with my teenagers. My youngest found the clothes and she spoke to her brother about. Due to my issues with depression he kept it from me until my DD brought it up while I was having coffee with family. So the children found out be themselves. Yes as you say he is the man I married 20yrs ago but I didn’t know then he lied to wear women’s clothes if I had known then I would of had a choice then. Not promised to stop and carry on knowing I didn’t find it appealing or fearing the kids would find out

OP posts:
Yewneekusername · 01/06/2019 20:57

Tired you are not being unreasonable at all. I also found out completely by accident that my husband cross dresses. At the time I had a young child and was pregnant so I didn’t leave. I still don’t know if I will (I should have straight away but didn’t) but i completely understand how you feel. It’s ok to hate it and to not want to live with it. He lied to you about who he was and from your post it sounds like there are other issues too, all of which would be deal breakers. It’s not unfair of you to separate and make him pay if he continues to live with you-he lied to you about a massive part of him when you married and by the sounds of it I’d still lying to you now. You deserve better. I would also recommend the trans widow thread. Their support has been invaluable to me.

user1467480231 · 01/06/2019 21:50

Me too. It's broken me and not something I can get over. We are now divorced and I spend a lot of time questioning and getting upset over the lies from our 24 years of marriage.
To anyone who has not been through this themselves, they really do not know the hell and lies we have been put through.
To the OP, he will never change and despite what people say, and despite it being his own little kink, the impact on others in vast.
I'm so sorry. x

cardiBobo · 01/06/2019 22:00

I'm with @mmmomdd on the cross dressing thing. If its just that on its own - a private kink that not escalating into anything or harming anyone...though I get everyone feels differently about this stuff. I think its a different situation from people who's partners want to/ become transwomen.

Its his attitude towards your depression, the other women stuff, issues with trust which sound most problematic to me.

ANewDawn10 · 01/06/2019 22:03

Yanbu. I would be truly disgusted. His lying, cheating and attitudes towards your mh is just as bad. Consider leaving him. You sound very unhappy.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/06/2019 22:08

I think you should do whatever it takes to leave him. I would not tolerate his cross dressing, his lack of support or his lying. Your marriage is over.

Divebar · 01/06/2019 22:44

Leaving all the other issues to one side for the moment, what is it about the cross dressing that you don’t like?

RevealTheLegend · 01/06/2019 22:55

I could tolerate the cross dressing (though I completely respect anyone’s right not to want to be in a relationship with a cross dresser)

What stinks is the constant lies about it.

MMmomDD · 01/06/2019 23:07

OP’s H isn’t trans and he doesn’t seem to engage in his kink in a way that affects (or ever affected) their lives... So - on that basis - his kink does sound mild and totally personal.

The other issues sound more serious.

Yewneekusername · 02/06/2019 13:29

I don’t want to derail the OP’s thread but for those of you who say that it’s ‘just a kink’ and that it isn’t harming anyone, you are completely wrong. Finding out that your husband is a cross dresser is awful. Even if he wants to keep it hidden and doesn’t want her to be involved, she will be constantly questioning her marriage, her sex life, possibly his and her sexuality, and really absolutely everything. If he can lie to her by hiding about such a big part of his personality then what else is he lying about? You question everything about your relationship and it drives you crazy. On top of that, he will continue to lie about it and minimise it. He’s successfully hidden it for decades so it’s second nature to lie. When he’s going through a phase of needing to dress it will be all he can think about too. He is most likely grumpy and withdrawn until he can get his fix. It’s like living with an addict. That impacts on the whole family.
The OP wasn’t given a choice about whether or not she wanted this in her life because he chose to hide it from her. It’s ok for her to hate it and it IS a big deal, not just a private kink. She also shouldn’t have to justify what she hates about it and shouldn’t have to accept it if she doesn’t want to.

TinselAngel · 02/06/2019 15:06

Yewneek is giving excellent advice here. Anybody who thinks this isn't a big deal should read the Trans Widows threads.

Sarahjconnor · 02/06/2019 19:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Italiangreyhound · 02/06/2019 19:54

Tiredmotherof3 I don't think I could cope with a cross dressing husband. It's totally fine to say you don't want to stay married to him.

Flowers