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Original poster

New boyfriend and FB pic

81 replies

signal · 01/06/2019 12:18

Am I being unreasonable?

Been with my boyfriend for 4months. He said at the start he won't do the FB thing with me because his ex can hack into his FB
4m down the line it's grating on me so I asked him and he said he's a private person and just doesn't wanna change his pic or associate with me on it and he's not a teenager and doesn't need to plaster it all over fb ?

OP posts:
Snipples · 01/06/2019 12:21

Does he have kids with the ex? What's the issue with her knowing? That's what you need to get to the bottom of. If it was a serious relationship or a marriage or whatever then I can understand his reluctance to broadcast a 4 month relationship on social media. What he like otherwise? Have you met any of his friends/ family? Four months isn't that long to be worrying about this sort of stuff really.

KurriKawari · 01/06/2019 12:21

4 months....

Musti · 01/06/2019 12:23

I've got kids and for that reason at only 4 months I wouldn't associate with someone I was seeing on Facebook. I would accept them as Facebook friends though wouldn't post any pics. If they didn't want to be my Facebook friend then I would stop seeing them.

DuchessOfBallybrack · 01/06/2019 12:25

Well, you cannot tell him what to have as a profile picture, that's unreasonable!

BUT if he cannot acknowledge you publicly (and in this day and age, that does mean on facebook) then I would assume there is a reason WHY.

In a world where people add strangers they click with on line, there has to be a REASON for not adding a person with whom you have a real life connection.

I think one can trip one's self up in knots trying to reason that blunt statement in to submission but basically, if he's on facebook and he won't just add you as a friend it's because he doesn't want you to know about all the other 'yous' or he doesn't want his long term gf/wife to ask ''who's that?'' or he doesn't want you to expose him by tagging him or posting something personal. Too risky.

Drogosnextwife · 01/06/2019 12:26

I've never been on my dps fb, but then I don't have fb. We've been together 8 years and have 2 kids 🤷‍♀️

DuchessOfBallybrack · 01/06/2019 12:30

And the men who have been honest and sincere in their ''intentions'' towards me have always added me. Looking back over the last ten years since I left xh and began 'dating', it was the commitment phobes (I don't want to put a label on it) or the serial monogamists who were mysterious about whether or not they were on facebook.
I'm with a man now and we're not planning to get married (far from it) but there is respect and honesty even though it's not a serious relationship and he has nothing to hide so we're friends on facebook.

I've been in relationships where I was lead to believe they were more serious than they were and sure enough, they were fishy on fb. One guy, he added me, but he had his settings so micro managed that I could only see very little of what he posted if anything. That settings wheel came up. I knew he used fb because of comments he made but slowly the penny dropped while I was with him. He didn't want me making my presence on his fb. NOt that I ever would have posted anything embarrassing. But even one 'like' here or there wouldn't have suited him.

DuchessOfBallybrack · 01/06/2019 12:32

''I've never been on my dps fb, but then I don't have fb. We've been together 8 years and have 2 kids 🤷‍♀️''

Well obviously that is a totally different situation. Apples and Oranges. OP is trying to figure out if a man she's been with for four months is behaving fishily or not.

category12 · 01/06/2019 12:38

How can his ex "hack" into his fb four months on? He's telling you porkies.

freshasthebrightbluesky · 01/06/2019 12:43

The bit about the ex "hacking" his fb profile makes me wonder if she is actually an ex. To me it shouts, "I'm in a relationship already and I want you as an extra!" Sorry.

LoubyLou1234 · 01/06/2019 12:43

We are 8 years down the line we both still have the same fb profile pic from before (solo) and neither put the 'in a relationship'thing on, mine is very basic and don't feel the need to put everything about me on there.
He doesn't use it much. I do tag him on photos when I occasionally upload but probably didn't do that for ages. Also my profile is very private to friends/family. Some people like to be more private about their lives and relationships and it's still early days.

supercali77 · 01/06/2019 12:44

Ita bollocks that his ex can hack his fb. Its fishy. Anyone saying 4 months whatever....doesn't know the bloody nightmare of carrying on and a year down the line it's the same shit but across all areas. Little things in the beginning all add up. If he doesn't have kids....no reason except suspect behaviour which may just be him not being ready for a committed relationship with you just yet

DuchessOfBallybrack · 01/06/2019 12:52

Yes, if his ''ex'' knew his password, he'd just have to change it.

Maybe he has form and she would spot if he'd changed his password. If she is genuinely his x there is no way she'd be able to complain if he changed his password! So, is she his x?

palahvah · 01/06/2019 12:53

What is it that you want him to do/that he's refusing to do?

Adding you as a friend is one thing, but changing profile pictures/changing relationship status, conducting your relationship on each others pages... I wouldn't want that.

What is the issue with his ex? If she has his logon details why hasn't he just changed the password?

DuchessOfBallybrack · 01/06/2019 12:54

Have you been to his place?

Can you ring him at any time, knowing your call would be welcomed?

Actually that became a real guide for me towards the end of my time OLD-ing. If I didn't feel comfortable to just ring somebody up, I'd know then that I should feel more comfortable. And ask myself why not.

SimonJT · 01/06/2019 12:55

I’ve never put a partner on social media, if someone didn’t like that they would need to find someone else who was social media obsessed.

overnightangel · 01/06/2019 13:07

Are you 14?

Unimpressedexwife · 01/06/2019 13:08

My first thought was that it’s only been 4 months and you are being a bit needy if you’re after shows of commitment at this stage.

However, the mention of his ex from him rings alarm bells and I’m now thinking that it’s possible that either he isn’t as separated from her as he says he is, OR he has lots of casual women on the go that he doesn’t want to know about each other, OR he is separated from his ex but is still in love with her and is refusing to move on. My ex H is currently doing this to me - nice new girlfriend who clearly thinks she’s got herself a winner but at every opportunity he’s trying it on with me, complaining that he doesn’t like the way she looks compared to me, crying that he still loves me and wants me back and threatening suicide whenever I go on a date. He is only with her because he needs to be with someone and is playing her for a fool. I have told him straight every time about it being over between us but he won’t accept it. Yet to her he is being a model boyfriend, taking her on lovely dates, meeting her kids, doing her DIY jobs. If I didn’t have a child I’d contact her and tell her what he’s doing but he’ll play Merry hell if I do that and it would affect how things are with out DC so I can’t. Dickhead. Anyway, as I say, it rang alarm bells as I can imagine him doing this with his girlfriend.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 01/06/2019 13:11

Unless he’s been secretive in other areas of his life YABU- It’s social media, who cares. Live in the real world!

PhilCornwall · 01/06/2019 13:22

It's only Facebook, do you really care that much? It's the biggest waste of time ever.

ComtesseDeSpair · 01/06/2019 14:31

The stuff about his ex is bullshit. He just doesn’t want to link and tag and whatever with you on FB. I don’t necessarily see a problem with that: I’ve never had a FB relationship status with any partner or updated profile photos to ones of us as a couple (which is just weird, tbh) and it indicates precisely nothing about any relationship I’ve ever had except that I’m not invested in social media.

NameChangeNugget · 01/06/2019 16:02

You’re being bloody ridiculous

perfumeineveruse · 01/06/2019 16:06

He's talking shit.

Dated a guy years ago who did the whole 'I'm private with Facebook'. He was private because he had 3 girlfriends and didn't want any of us to find out.

FabledChinHair · 01/06/2019 16:11

Probably still with her.

DuchessOfBallybrack · 01/06/2019 17:06

''only facebook''

Sorry, that's really naive. If you've been dating somebody for four months, Facebook is a HUGE indication of how congruent their words and actions are.

I told myself ''it's only facebook, I'm not a social media junkie'' a few times over the last decade. But it turns out, the ones who mean what they say and say what they mean and follow through with what they say, they'll just send you a friend request !

GileadWivesAreFashionIcons · 01/06/2019 17:21

Whilst I do get why some people are in the ‘it’s only Facebook’ camp, this does sound like it’s symptomatic of something bigger.

Although I’d be interested to know how the subject first came up and how that convo went? If it was a demand from you for him to change his FB on the first date then YABU, but if he brought it up unprompted and said he wouldn’t do FB then I’d deffo think he was trying to hide something!

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