New boyfriend and FB pic

[signal]

Am I being unreasonable?

Been with my boyfriend for 4months. He said at the start he won't do the FB thing with me because his ex can hack into his FB
4m down the line it's grating on me so I asked him and he said he's a private person and just doesn't wanna change his pic or associate with me on it and he's not a teenager and doesn't need to plaster it all over fb ?

When this was said to me the man has a full time gf he practically lived with, was sleeping with his ex & trying to get her back, dating another woman & dating me!

Is he publicly dating you? As in do you go out in public together? Have you met his friends? His family?

I'm also failing to see the Facebook issue, and feel it's more important how he behaves, are you a secret in real life? If not then what's the issue? If yes then that's the bigger issue.

How old are you both?

I don't give a shit about Facebook and don't pay any attention to people's Facebook profiles. For some people it's obviously significant but don't pretend it's the majority or the default.

Why does it bug you? 20 years ago it didn't even exist!

Some of these answers are bonkers. Any moment now someone will start chanting Facebook is life.

Seriously real life is what matters. How he behaves in real life. Is he open about his relationship there. Does he invite the op to meet his friends and family, include her where possible, open about their relarionship.

Not his bloody face book status.

Oh, and Facebook is declining in popularity with 12-34 year olds so it's not just middle aged marrieds who think it doesn't matter.

Why should he put anything on FB if he doesn't want to? It's his choice.

Signal if everything else in the relationship appears normal then I would respect his need for privacy. If there are any times you have felt your alarm bells ringing but you have ignored, if the relationship was rushed and he pushed for commitment early on or love bombed you, if he has ever lied even about small things, if all his exes are crazy and stop him seeing his children, if it all seems too good to be true then I would very much reconsider what this man is hiding.

My narcissistic ex had me as a friend on Facebook but I couldn't see any of his friends (and they couldn't see me) and never put me on his profile picture. He also said his 'crazy' ex hacked into his Facebook which was why he was so private about it.

Turns out he was actively cheating on me and sending 100s of women he didn't know lewd messages to try and hook them. When I discovered this, he blamed it on his ex hacking his Facebook and trying to ruin his court case to see his children.

Ask yourself why a picture with you on his fb would have anything to do with his ex hacking it? It doesnt make sense and you know that which is why you are posting here. Listen to your gut on this!

If his initials are BG (sorry but his excuse is way too similar to be a coincidence) then run, he is violent to women also.

It's only Facebook op. I've been with my fiancé for over 4 years and we have a baby.

I don't have fb and there is no trace of me or our son whatsoever on his fb - there never has been. I believe his relationship status is even 'single'. He just couldn't be bothered to change it when we got together!

I can assure you I'm completely ok with all of the above. It was a joint decision. Neither of us like public lovey dovey type things.

Oh and inimpressed, your ex sounds like a classic narcissist. It is futile ever contacting exes to warn them if they are in the midst of the love bombing stage. Your ex will use it as evidence of your craziness and then she will become a flying monkey to protect him from you (and thus the narc wins). I know this is hard because you can see what a shit show she is in for but it's the only way and we all have to figure it out when we are ready to accept the truth.

It really depends, doesn't it?

If he's a frequent FB user, his profile picture is of him & his ex-girlfriend and he's keeping OP under wraps - then it's a very different picture to say, him hardly ever using it, OP wanting a joint picture and wanting a public show of affection. We've no idea who's being unreasonable because OP's never come back.

I do find the snobbery about social media tiresome tho. If it's significant to the OP, maybe there's a reason for that rather than sneering about it.

I agree Category. What makes this dodgy is the reason he's given for not wanting to have OP on his Facebook, not the act itself.

Any partner who genuinely loves and cares about you will care if something they are doing/not doing upsets you. If you dont care about being on your partners Facebook (or you dont even have a facebook) then obviously him not mentioning you on there isn't a big deal because YOU dont care.

If you care about being on Facebook and your partner cares about you, his response will be a clear and honest 'I'm not ready now but maybe in a few months' or 'I really dont like adding partners to Facebook until I know for sure' etc.

If he doesnt care about you then he will fob you off with a lie that doesnt make any sense (seriously you can change your password so easily and set up alot of questions to prevent hacking).

This isn't about demanding your partner to do something they dont want to do but as a bare minimum you should expect a fair and honest reasoning for it as a bare minimum. You can apply that to any situation in a relationship.

I would not broadcast my 4 months relationship on FB but gf hack excuse is ridiculous.

I think it sets Alarm bells ringing. Mainly because of what he said about the ex. His ex can't just hack into his Facebook without a password. So that's odd. The face he doesn't want to post anything about you on there yet isn't odd on its own... some people are just more private than others. I was with a man for 2 years, lived together, I had his baby.. we were friends on Facebook but nothing else. Didn't tag each other ect.

So I think the question is.. are there any other alarm bells? Or is it only this that's bothering you. Have you been to his house for example?

Just to point out that it is perfectly possible to get into Facebook if you know what you're doing. Having said that, this ex girlfriend probably didn't !

I disagree it's a "teenage" worry. Facebook and social media in general is definitely becoming a more important part of many people's lives and if people are active social media users, not wanting to add someone or hiding parts of their profile is probably a big red flag. If he is just refusing to make his status ' in a relationship' with you (or similar) then yes you are probably being a bit silly. If he's refusing to add you as a friend then yup, probably hiding something.
A guy I was seeing added me on Facebook at the time but kept his entire profile invisible to me. Turns out he was still shagging his ex...this was in my mid 20s

For me, it's not FB, it's keeping the relationship and OP a secret. If he won't add OP I would also think he's hiding something.

Facebook is shite

@NewMe2019 thank you and thank you to all the people who haven't said things like am I 14c grow up etc
It isn't about that
I don't care enough about fb
I care that he appears to be being secretive and the fact he thinks his ex hacks his fb is bollocks
I had a chat with him and it appears my instincts were right so I haven't been back on here since my post but I have read them
Funny how some people say it is a big deal and others say grow op
FB doesn't break relationships
People do and in this instance o just think he's full of shit
No he doesn't have kids with his ex, just called her a psycho
Yeah alright, they all say that
I'm very suspicious and the fb thing has just put me off him
Not coz he's not willing to put a pic up - I'm not bothered about that
He won't associate with me as he says he doesn't want people knowing his business

Well he sounds a peach.

Aye cut your losses lass.

It would be interesting if this was the other way round. He said at the start of the relationship (4 months is hardly long in any case) he didn't want to do the FB thing, you accepted that then. Not everyone wants to broadcast everything on FB.
If this was a man trying to get a woman to do what he wanted it would be controlling behaviour and possessive that would be getting thrown around.

I’m all for being private and haven’t put an ‘in a relationship’ post on for years. That’s because I don’t choose to advertise it and my close friends would know anyway. However I’ve always been Facebook friends with who I’m seeing and a refusal to do that would be a red flag to me too. Go with your gut OP

Well I'm on his side. I use fb quite a lot but I don't broadcast relationships on there. In fact, it's hilarious how many people do broadcast relationships on there, and then the relationship ends and they look like an idiot.

Are you actually friends on Facebook? If you’re not after four months then that would be a red flag for me. Not wanting to be ‘Facebook relationship official’ at this point seems ok to me.

That said, it sounds like from your update there are other reasons you’re unsure about him. Sorry if he hasn’t turned out to be all you hoped and all he seems.

The thing is OP, FB is only the vehicle through which his secretive behaviours are coming to light.

A lot of (mainly older) posters are just a bit out of touch.

I'm quite sure that when the phone was invented, a lot of people saw that in a similar vein to the way the older generation view social media today.