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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

"You're the type of person who would say you'd been raped when you hadn't"

90 replies

annoying · 31/05/2019 21:44

My DH is mostly lovely. 90 % of the time. He is however, very stressed at work. He's a Police Officer and there are not enough staff.

This manifests itself in him being "down" when he's at home. I know he is stressed, so I do literally everything at home, like food shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing, loading and unloading dishwasher, taking out the bins. You name it, I do it. I don't mind, as I work from home (my own business) so I am here, and I have the time.

Like I say, he is nice 90% of the time. But when he is not, he says the most awful things.

Examples:

"you're the type of person who would report a man for rape when you hadn't" (no idea where this same from, I have never been raped, nor accused anyone of rape, but he sees this at his work, he says)

"No wonder your Ex beat you up"

"No wonder your kids don't want to come here to see you" (if we argue and they are here...they are adults and the argument in question would be started by him)

"I'm a different kind of person to you, at least I'd like to think so"...this was because I spilled a drink on his laptop which killed it and I didn't replace it, however, it was a few days before his 40th, and my parents had bought him a new laptop for his bday! So kind of inferring I was tight with money, which is SO off the mark.....He was in £18k debt when we met, which I helped him to negotiate settlements for (I have a banking background) and he is now debt free. I got made redundant from my job of 27 yrs, and with my settlement paid for our wedding and honeymoon (and way more besides, like furniture and garden landscaping).

Also, he has told me that I have it easy because I work from home. And how I don't get how busy his job is (he said this whilst smacking his hand off his forehead like a mad man). I kind of do though, as I was a Special Constable for 5 years, so I have a real insight into his job. And even though I work from home, I earn more than him and contribute slightly more too (plus doing all the chores).

He hardly ever wants sex (different thread I guess).

Sorry, rambling now, as I have had too much wine.

He apologised profusely before going to work about this mornings comments. Maybe only because I totally lost my shit though, I'm so fed up of this nonsense!

OP posts:
BuffaloCauliflower · 31/05/2019 21:46

These are truly awful things to say OP. Doesn’t sound 90% lovely to me, and I’d say the malice in these comments would far outweigh any other niceness anyway

MissMary0fSweden · 31/05/2019 21:46

Your husband is disgusting.

annoying · 31/05/2019 21:47

Sorry, that should have read "you're the type of person who would report a man for rape when it hadn't happened"

I was GOBSMACKED at that one.

OP posts:
HillRunner · 31/05/2019 21:48

He sounds like a complete misogynist. It's depressing to think that someone like will be dealing with real rape complaints.

HumphreyCobblers · 31/05/2019 21:49

I am so shocked to even read that comment annoying, let alone hear it from my DH Sad

Tinyteatime · 31/05/2019 21:50

Wow. I wouldn’t want this man anywhere near me. I shudder to think that some women have him to turn to in times of need and crisis.

annoying · 31/05/2019 21:51

Just remembered another few.

I said I'd treat us to Dominos for lunch. I left him to order it and went off to Asda for some shopping. Said I'd collect it after shopping. He ordered it under the name "Fanny Baws". Thought it was hilarious. I didn't and it made me teary. (Is this silly of me, should I have found this funny?)

He also grabbed my collar in the car when we disagreed about something and thinks that's fine Confused

OP posts:
JustHereWithPopcorn · 31/05/2019 21:52

LTB

wildcherries · 31/05/2019 21:53

WTF. And he's a cop. Imagine being a victim reporting to him.

Halimeda · 31/05/2019 21:53

Someone with these attitudes shouldn’t be a policeman.

Frusty · 31/05/2019 21:53

I don’t think there’s any way back from the comment about your ex. Sad
Would you be happier if he disappeared? Not the nice man you see sometimes, but the actual one you have to live with?

LumpySpacedPrincess · 31/05/2019 21:54

The thought that he would be dealing with victims of rape is awful.

OldAndWornOut · 31/05/2019 21:55

I've never been able to understand how being stressed at work excuses this kind of behaviour.
It simply doesn't.
Being short tempered, maybe. A bit snappy, yes.
This kind of thing though is beyond me.

megrichardson · 31/05/2019 21:55

He's awful, Op and you know it. Start making plans to leave.

DawgLover · 31/05/2019 21:56

I really can't see how 90% of being gods absolute gift could outweigh even half of what you have described.

annoying · 31/05/2019 21:57

He IS quite misogynistic. I was quite upset about Trans women taking over womens sport and taking their titles and he told me he couldn't care less (but apologised later).

OP posts:
Liverpool52 · 31/05/2019 21:58

His line of work doesn't excuse his behaviour. In fact, it makes it worse.

annoying · 31/05/2019 21:58

Wow, I honestly thought you would all tell me to get a grip, because he IS nice 90% of the time.

OP posts:
CanBlondesWearMustard · 31/05/2019 21:59

He's a horrible man who shouldn't be a police officer and shouldn't be your husband.

Whosorrynow · 31/05/2019 21:59

He sounds quite nasty 😕

KennDodd · 31/05/2019 21:59

I can't believe this type of person is a police officer. Don't they screen out misogyny like this during recruitment?

ThatCurlyGirl · 31/05/2019 21:59

How can you let him even touch you, he sounds fucking disgusting.

Shuddering at the thought of him. There's misogyny and there's misogyny plus malicious, intended cruelty. He's a bully.

Why on earth would you consider spending your life with someone this cunty?

OldUnit · 31/05/2019 22:00

You've posted about this, at length, before. I remember the laptop and money examples.

minou123 · 31/05/2019 22:00

annoying - This is not good.

He may have a stressful job, but that does not give him any license to say and do the things he is doing. He is saying these things because he has zero respect for you. I'm sorry, I dont wish to be harsh but he is truly an awful person. Who in thier right mind says "no wonder your ex beat you up". Would you say that to someone you loved?

I think you know you shouldn't be with him. But it's up to you what you want to do now. The best advice I have seen on these threads is to look at it this way:
If your daughter or friend said they were experiencing the same things, what would you advise?

Whosorrynow · 31/05/2019 22:01

He grabbed your collar?
like by the scruff of the neck kind of thing?
That's not cool at all is it
he sounds like a horrible bully