Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

"You're the type of person who would say you'd been raped when you hadn't"

90 replies

annoying · 31/05/2019 21:44

My DH is mostly lovely. 90 % of the time. He is however, very stressed at work. He's a Police Officer and there are not enough staff.

This manifests itself in him being "down" when he's at home. I know he is stressed, so I do literally everything at home, like food shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing, loading and unloading dishwasher, taking out the bins. You name it, I do it. I don't mind, as I work from home (my own business) so I am here, and I have the time.

Like I say, he is nice 90% of the time. But when he is not, he says the most awful things.

Examples:

"you're the type of person who would report a man for rape when you hadn't" (no idea where this same from, I have never been raped, nor accused anyone of rape, but he sees this at his work, he says)

"No wonder your Ex beat you up"

"No wonder your kids don't want to come here to see you" (if we argue and they are here...they are adults and the argument in question would be started by him)

"I'm a different kind of person to you, at least I'd like to think so"...this was because I spilled a drink on his laptop which killed it and I didn't replace it, however, it was a few days before his 40th, and my parents had bought him a new laptop for his bday! So kind of inferring I was tight with money, which is SO off the mark.....He was in £18k debt when we met, which I helped him to negotiate settlements for (I have a banking background) and he is now debt free. I got made redundant from my job of 27 yrs, and with my settlement paid for our wedding and honeymoon (and way more besides, like furniture and garden landscaping).

Also, he has told me that I have it easy because I work from home. And how I don't get how busy his job is (he said this whilst smacking his hand off his forehead like a mad man). I kind of do though, as I was a Special Constable for 5 years, so I have a real insight into his job. And even though I work from home, I earn more than him and contribute slightly more too (plus doing all the chores).

He hardly ever wants sex (different thread I guess).

Sorry, rambling now, as I have had too much wine.

He apologised profusely before going to work about this mornings comments. Maybe only because I totally lost my shit though, I'm so fed up of this nonsense!

OP posts:
AhhhHereItGoes · 31/05/2019 23:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Miniloso · 31/05/2019 23:29

And to add, my abusive ex had a very good job, suit to work every day, 2 kids, lovely house, liked in his village etc. Lovely to begin with, he seemed to be a decent man. These covert narcissist men don’t abuse anyone else but their partners. So confusing and mentally damaging. I’ve had to have a lot of therapy to see it with clarity & get my strength and balance back. It’s ‘sad’ as they seem so nice in part, but this is the dichotomy that keeps us staying or going back. You just have to realise, it’s not you: not you ‘not being an angel’, not you not being able to cope with them, not you misunderstanding - it’s nothing to do with you or about you, it’s 100% them, they will never be healthy people.

AhhhHereItGoes · 31/05/2019 23:31

Shittiest.

Redcrayons · 31/05/2019 23:34

Wow, he’s truly awful.

Tell us about the 90% nice times. I suspect nice = not as much of a bastard as usual.

EnjoyItAll · 31/05/2019 23:47

My dh is a police officer. yes they are stretched but he NEVER talks to me like that and does his fair share of the house work. Your dh' s behaviour is appalling and his job does not give him the right to treat you like that

nakedscientist · 01/06/2019 10:58

I'm part way through the replies, annoying but I need to comment.

My DH is quite annoying too, can be grumpy, lazy, go on and on about stupid things, in fact probably more than 10%.

However, he is the exact opposite of a misogynist. For this I love him and trust him to be a good role model for our DDs (along with other things!)

The 10% that you have described is not just a small amount of bad behaviour due to "stress" it displays a set of attitudes which I would find incompatible with trust and happiness.

So sorry you sound lovely Thanks

nakedscientist · 01/06/2019 11:00

And I am sorry I don't know, or 'get' what the Fanny Baws thing is, what does it mean to you, annoying?

Deathraystare · 01/06/2019 15:28

I can't believe this type of person is a police officer.

Oh I find it very very believable. I shudder for any woman who has had the misfortunre of facing him to report DV or rape.

FuriousVexation · 01/06/2019 15:34

Most survivors of abuse don't go on to abuse others.

I'm very sorry that your STBXH sufferd abuse from his family, but that doesn't mean he gets to pass it on to his child.

elasticfantastic · 01/06/2019 15:58

Yes, it can be an incredibly stressful job, some departments significantly more stressful than others.. being a special doesn't mean you understand that stress... as a special you see and deal with about 5% of what a full time officer sees and deals with, specials definitely don't carry the workload of full time officers

However...

This doesn't change the fact that is behaviour is not down to him being stressed at work, his behaviour is down to him being a controlling nasty dickhead. With a nasty streak like that he sounds like the kind of officer who gives other officers a bad name. If he behaves like that with you I can guarantee he's the type of officer who gets off on power. He shouldn't be in the job. And you should find someone who knows how to treat you properly.

lifeinthedeep · 01/06/2019 16:23

Sounds like a covert narcissist

Closetbeanmuncher · 01/06/2019 16:46

Whoa!!!!!

He should not be working in the police for starters, thats seriously worrying.

Would you eat your favourite meal if 10% of it was shit mixed in?

Totally agree but suspect its more like 75% shit mix.

Can we have some examples of how hes "lovely" op? I bet its pretty standard stuff but you're expectations are severly skewed from previous abusive relationship.

This pos is nothing but a covert abuser, theres nothing lovely about people who downplay abuse, physically intimidate, victim blame and humiliate others.

Hes rotten on the inside op.

rvby · 01/06/2019 17:04

OP your posts have made my blood run cold. He hates you, he humiliates and degrades you, and he has escalated to putting his hands on you in anger.

When you said he took you by the collar my heart hit the floor. I know it seems a mild thing. But that's your neck/throat. He shouldn't be touching you there in anger. The fact that his brain even goes there... I can't find the words for how I feel about what you describe. Maybe the best way is to say it feels like the beginning of a horror movie when you know something is dreadfully wrong and you want to scream at the character to run.

I dont think this marriage is safe. Is there somewhere you can go to get away from him for a while, to think?

vampirethriller · 01/06/2019 17:13

He's faking 90% of the time
The other 10% is what he's actually like.

PeoniesarePink · 01/06/2019 20:10

I hope you're OK. This thread must be a tough read Flowers but it must tell you something that everyone here is in complete agreement.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page