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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

"You're the type of person who would say you'd been raped when you hadn't"

90 replies

annoying · 31/05/2019 21:44

My DH is mostly lovely. 90 % of the time. He is however, very stressed at work. He's a Police Officer and there are not enough staff.

This manifests itself in him being "down" when he's at home. I know he is stressed, so I do literally everything at home, like food shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing, loading and unloading dishwasher, taking out the bins. You name it, I do it. I don't mind, as I work from home (my own business) so I am here, and I have the time.

Like I say, he is nice 90% of the time. But when he is not, he says the most awful things.

Examples:

"you're the type of person who would report a man for rape when you hadn't" (no idea where this same from, I have never been raped, nor accused anyone of rape, but he sees this at his work, he says)

"No wonder your Ex beat you up"

"No wonder your kids don't want to come here to see you" (if we argue and they are here...they are adults and the argument in question would be started by him)

"I'm a different kind of person to you, at least I'd like to think so"...this was because I spilled a drink on his laptop which killed it and I didn't replace it, however, it was a few days before his 40th, and my parents had bought him a new laptop for his bday! So kind of inferring I was tight with money, which is SO off the mark.....He was in £18k debt when we met, which I helped him to negotiate settlements for (I have a banking background) and he is now debt free. I got made redundant from my job of 27 yrs, and with my settlement paid for our wedding and honeymoon (and way more besides, like furniture and garden landscaping).

Also, he has told me that I have it easy because I work from home. And how I don't get how busy his job is (he said this whilst smacking his hand off his forehead like a mad man). I kind of do though, as I was a Special Constable for 5 years, so I have a real insight into his job. And even though I work from home, I earn more than him and contribute slightly more too (plus doing all the chores).

He hardly ever wants sex (different thread I guess).

Sorry, rambling now, as I have had too much wine.

He apologised profusely before going to work about this mornings comments. Maybe only because I totally lost my shit though, I'm so fed up of this nonsense!

OP posts:
bumblenbean · 31/05/2019 22:22

Sorry OP but his comments make for disturbing reading. It doesn’t matter that he’s nice 90% of the time (and I fear your standards of what constitutes nice have been set quite low) - if my DH made just one of those comments he’d be out on his ear; but he just wouldn’t. Decent men don’t speak to their other halves that way.

I really hope you find the strength to leave him, or at the very least set some serious boundaries Flowers

Propertywoes · 31/05/2019 22:25

He's a vile abusive cunt. He's nice 90 % of the time cos he knows that's what propertion he needs to be to keep you in your place. Would a nice man sit back and let you do all the housework? Grab you by the collar? Accuse you of having awful character flaws?

TatianaLarina · 31/05/2019 22:25

It’s really sad to see sensible intelligent women excuse arseholes like this.

pallisers · 31/05/2019 22:26

He doesn't like women (well I suspect he hates them and resents them) and he doesn't like you.

Get out.

"No wonder your ex beat you up" and he grabs your collar. It is really only a matter of time before he justifies himself doing something a lot worse than grabbing you. It will be all your own fault of course.

The rape comment from a policeman is grim but unsurprising. Men like him are the reason I would never encourage anyone to report a rape. he is disgusting.

SimplySteveRedux · 31/05/2019 22:26

I wonder what he thinks of males who say they've been raped too. To think a scummy, evil, creature like this is dealing with victims in extremely vulnerable states scares the fucking shit out of me.

cestlavielife · 31/05/2019 22:28

Why does stress stop him cooking cleaning etc ?
Mundane chores can
be helpful

But that s not the main issue
The main issue is he is an abusive bully who humiliates you.
Doesn't matter if it's 1 % 10% ...it s not ok
Plan to leave.

Sunbeamofthenorth · 31/05/2019 22:30

Your husband is abusive. He sounds like a total shit.
What if your bestfriend/family member/child disclosed what you have posted on here & told you they were being spoken to/treated in this way?
Would you be concerned?
You are better than this OP.

Miniloso · 31/05/2019 22:30

*Foxmuffin

He sounds awful. Sounds like he has some issues and he’s using you to score points and puff up his own chest.*

This.

I’ve just dumped my narcissistic twunt. Read the book ‘why does he do that’ . It’ll help, as will CBT therapy to help you get strong enough to leave him.

S1naidSucks · 31/05/2019 22:34

The only thing worse than a woman being abused, is a woman being abused that doesn’t see it.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 31/05/2019 22:35

OP, be really careful and please get advice from a domestic abuse charity. I'm concerned that he is trying to convince you that there is something about you which makes men hit you. He's setting you up for much more serious abuse.
Him being a police officer makes it tricky because the police would normally be one of your sources of help, but I'm sure there must be a procedure for this sort of circumstance. Would another station normally deal with it? Either way, Womens Aid or similar will have dealt with this before and they will be able to advise you.
I wish it was otherwise, but I'm afraid I don't think you have a long term future together. He is lovely 90% of the time because being evil and abusive takes a lot of energy. It doesn't mean that he isn't a contemptable turd, it just means that he is gathering energy for the next time. Start making plans to leave now, whenever he is at work you can work on your plan.
Good luck and keep safe.

kateandme · 31/05/2019 22:35

why dO people KEEP saying this on here, abut people being a total unforgivable shit SOME of the time.this much horriblesness totally outweighs any smidgen of niceness they might have.
there is being nice most of the time and being slightly dickish and whiny sometimes.but then there is this which is just NOT ON!

kateandme · 31/05/2019 22:36

murderous and rapists and abusers can be nice sometimes.its what makes them so clever.

MsSquiz · 31/05/2019 22:36

It doesn't matter how nice you think he appears 90% of the time, no man who loves and respects you would say or do such demeaning things!

If anyone said that rape comment to me, I would walk away and cut them out of my life. If my husband said it, only one of us would continue to live in our house. It is a disgusting comment to say to or about anyone, let alone his own wife.

What was it that you said or did that made him think that the rape comment was an acceptable response?
(Just to clarify, I don't mean whatever you said or did was responsible or deserved his response, I am just curious to know what would trigger a response like that, especially from someone who works in the police force)

TatianaLarina · 31/05/2019 22:39

It doesn't matter how nice you think he appears 90% of the time

It’s the 10% that defines the relationship.

And the fact that you’re his domestic skivvy.

Thankssomuch · 31/05/2019 22:40

His mother was cruel to him. He really doesn’t like women. He has issues around sex (sounds like he finds it a bit ‘dirty’). He has chosen to work in a job where duties are fairly clearly set out and rank is important - there is structure. You really aren’t going to be able to ‘fix’ this man or stop him saying vile hurtful things. Is this what you want from life?

Clusterfukt · 31/05/2019 22:40

He’s only nice to gaslight you so you’ll take his abuse more readily.
He’s punishing you for what his mother did to him, he hates women.

KM99 · 31/05/2019 22:41

OP, I've got a few family and friends in the force. Some working in units dealing with sexual assaults. They may sometimes show dark humour but they would never treat another person like this.

You are his emotional punchbag. Sorry but 90% is null and void when 10% is abuse. You mentioned he grabbed your collar once, how long before that turns into a push or a smack or a kick?

He's a horrible person. He may have underlying issues to resolve but you are at risk here.

Miniloso · 31/05/2019 22:41

My abusive ex was just liked this. Hated women, only ever used women. Ended up physically abusing me and raping me. It doesn’t get better no matter how much sun there is between the clouds.

babysharkah · 31/05/2019 22:42

That is fuck all so to do with his work, you are minimising his behaviour. He is 100% a misogynistic cunt. I don't say that word much. How dare he he?

Motherof3feminists · 31/05/2019 22:47

Fucking hell OP, want a bastard. I hope you are going to leave him. You can do without him and so can the police force. As someone who has been raped and reported it and had the police do nothing I can understand why if some officers think like this. I'm disgusted and sincerely hope that you can escape him. How fucking vile.
Thanksfor you

overdrive · 31/05/2019 22:51

People like him are the type who give the police a bad name.

I bet he does that job purely for the power trip.

Vile specimen.

ThatCurlyGirl · 31/05/2019 22:57

@Miniloso

It doesn’t get better no matter how much sun there is between the clouds.

I've never heard this phrase but it is so so so wise and for some reason it's made me feel really emotional even though I'm not with previous abusive partner anymore, I'm going to remember that phrase - thank you Thanks

Tavannach · 31/05/2019 23:05

It’s really sad to see sensible intelligent women excuse arseholes like this.

Agree.

And it says a lot that you have to sign out because he is home from work.

papergate · 31/05/2019 23:21

And he's a police officer Shock

Miniloso · 31/05/2019 23:21

@ThatCurlyGirl ❤️