Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

"You're the type of person who would say you'd been raped when you hadn't"

90 replies

annoying · 31/05/2019 21:44

My DH is mostly lovely. 90 % of the time. He is however, very stressed at work. He's a Police Officer and there are not enough staff.

This manifests itself in him being "down" when he's at home. I know he is stressed, so I do literally everything at home, like food shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing, loading and unloading dishwasher, taking out the bins. You name it, I do it. I don't mind, as I work from home (my own business) so I am here, and I have the time.

Like I say, he is nice 90% of the time. But when he is not, he says the most awful things.

Examples:

"you're the type of person who would report a man for rape when you hadn't" (no idea where this same from, I have never been raped, nor accused anyone of rape, but he sees this at his work, he says)

"No wonder your Ex beat you up"

"No wonder your kids don't want to come here to see you" (if we argue and they are here...they are adults and the argument in question would be started by him)

"I'm a different kind of person to you, at least I'd like to think so"...this was because I spilled a drink on his laptop which killed it and I didn't replace it, however, it was a few days before his 40th, and my parents had bought him a new laptop for his bday! So kind of inferring I was tight with money, which is SO off the mark.....He was in £18k debt when we met, which I helped him to negotiate settlements for (I have a banking background) and he is now debt free. I got made redundant from my job of 27 yrs, and with my settlement paid for our wedding and honeymoon (and way more besides, like furniture and garden landscaping).

Also, he has told me that I have it easy because I work from home. And how I don't get how busy his job is (he said this whilst smacking his hand off his forehead like a mad man). I kind of do though, as I was a Special Constable for 5 years, so I have a real insight into his job. And even though I work from home, I earn more than him and contribute slightly more too (plus doing all the chores).

He hardly ever wants sex (different thread I guess).

Sorry, rambling now, as I have had too much wine.

He apologised profusely before going to work about this mornings comments. Maybe only because I totally lost my shit though, I'm so fed up of this nonsense!

OP posts:
Foxmuffin · 31/05/2019 22:02

He sounds awful. Sounds like he has some issues and he’s using you to score points and puff up his own chest.

wildcherries · 31/05/2019 22:02

What would it take to leave him? I mean -

He also grabbed my collar in the car when we disagreed about something and thinks that's fine coupled with No wonder your Ex beat you up and everything else.

LazyFace · 31/05/2019 22:03

The fact that he's a police officer is bloody scary. He's abusive.

SpanishTiles · 31/05/2019 22:03

Would you eat your favourite meal if 10% of it was shit mixed in?

He is horrible through and through. Flowers

annoying · 31/05/2019 22:04

I think what blurs the lines, is that whilst he IS cunty, it is only 10% of the time. And I can be an arsehole too, to be fair. But it's the comments that he says that floor me.

What do you make of the Fanny Baws thing?

OP posts:
kbPOW · 31/05/2019 22:05

Your husband is an abuser and you know it. He should not be serving as a police officer and you need to work out how to leave him safely. He is full of hate.

TinselAndKnickers · 31/05/2019 22:05

He is NOT nice. He's a bag of wank.

Would you eat your favourite meal if 10% of it was shit mixed in?
This made me laugh but it's so so true. Don't eat this shitty meal OP. Take yourself out for a treat Thanks

SpanishTiles · 31/05/2019 22:05

He did it to humiliate you because he hates women and you're one of them. Sad

wildcherries · 31/05/2019 22:08

What do you make of the Fanny Baws thing?

Kind reading? He thought he was funny. Less kind? He knew you would be picking up the meal and wanted you to be humiliated.

TinselAndKnickers · 31/05/2019 22:08

I'd have been embarrassed to collect the dominos but I would have been more embarrassed that my husband was an immature bastard who wanted to humiliate me on purpose.

Mythreefavouritethings · 31/05/2019 22:08

90% ‘nice’, 10% absolutely and utterly VILE then. Look at what you’ve written and imagine your child had sent you this. Is this OK? Horrible. Just really horrible.

wildcherries · 31/05/2019 22:08

X post with Spanish

ncdforthis · 31/05/2019 22:11

He is an absolutely disgusting and vile piece of work. Please don't tolerate this for a minute longer. I really don't think you're seeing things for what they are if you think he's 90% lovely, I'd say he's at least 90% vile

annoying · 31/05/2019 22:11

He did it to humiliate you because he hates women

I do wonder about this. His Mother was very abusive. She broke his nose and beat him alot.

We have terrible issues around sex. He won't initiate and blames his upbringing and that it was seen as shameful. He won't go down on me (never has ever). We've been together 11 years and he only started touching me down there (after some harsh words from me) about 2 years ago. That said PIV was always good when we did it.

OP posts:
sackrifice · 31/05/2019 22:11

What do you make of the Fanny Baws thing?

Did he tell you he had booked it under this name? Or how did you find out?

If my OH had done this I'd have left it to be honest, and just gone home and made myself some food. But if you are happy with it the 10% of the time, then you know, it's your decision to make.

Whosorrynow · 31/05/2019 22:11

there's a lot of very nasty putting you down and wanting to humiliate you, I would be concerned that he might escalate into physical violence

Whosorrynow · 31/05/2019 22:11

Because he has said that you deserve violence

annoying · 31/05/2019 22:12

He is home from work, I have to sign off.......xx

OP posts:
Whosorrynow · 31/05/2019 22:13

What you are getting is retaliation for the way that his mother treated him

SunsetSimulator · 31/05/2019 22:14

Such comments are shocking, about as hateful as it gets.
Get out.

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 31/05/2019 22:16

So he's a police officer, is he?
I hope he is capable of hiding his character behind a professional mask.

On the other hand - people with that kind of mindset are often drawn to professions like that.

In short: RUN

PeoniesarePink · 31/05/2019 22:17

I hate to say this, but he doesn't like you very much, does he?

My DH runs his own business, works a 60/70 hour week on average, and we're trying to renovate our house. He still comes in and empty the bins, does the gardening and helps share the load because I'm not his slave and he's never treated me like one.

Why on earth are you with him?

SimplySteveRedux · 31/05/2019 22:20

Your husband is a vile man, that he has a stressful job is no excuse to spew this horrendous bile at you. Have my first LTB. I'm sorry, but accusing someone of crying rape is the lowest of the low, and to direct it at a DW you supposedly love leaves me stunned and aghast.

FermatsTheorem · 31/05/2019 22:20

Fucking hell he's an evil wankstain. You have to get out.

Make a list of the practical things you need to do. Money, important documents (passports, birth certificates, etc), photocopies of as many financial documents and bank statements as you can lay hands on, scrape the deposit for a flat together somehow.

Then arrange with a friend to leave while he's at work.

No one should have to live with an unflushable turd like him.

FermatsTheorem · 31/05/2019 22:21

Oh, and remember to clear your browsing history so he doesn't get wind of what you're up to.