Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

DH refuses to buy anything more expensive

103 replies

Frustratedand · 31/05/2019 21:42

I feel like I am banging my head against a wall. I am exhausted from endlessly looking at houses and not getting anywhere. DP wants a fucking unicorn which doesn't exist. At this point I don't even want a house. I don't want anything.

He has a budget in mind and refuses to reconsider it, or even look at anything which is marketed at a higher price. Most houses we've seen are tiny and depressing, terraced, in dodgy areas with sofas and smack heads in one driveway but a brand new BMW in the next.

I feel like for even £25k more we would get a better property or the same sized property in a nicer location, but OH NO he wants as small a mortgage as possible to pay it off quickly ... but we're still looking at 15-20 years! So what bloody difference does it make!

He also refuses to consider flats. I don't want a flat either to be fair, but if the goal is to spend less money then I'd rather buy a maisonette with a garden and be done with it.

Anything that comes up which is even remotely suitable gets snapped up quickly and we're just going round in circles. I cry on a weekly basis from sheer frustration and I don't know what to do. I suggested renting for another year to save up for a bigger deposit and I get "rent money is dead money." Sometimes I worry that I am not married to a man but to a collection of catchphrases cleverly arranged into a human form!

He is 10 years older than me, neither of us have owned a home before... I understand wanting to be mortgage-free quickly, but SURELY the house should be worth it? He previously lived in a campervan (by himself) so I think every house he sees feels like a large luxury to him.

Sorry about this long, rambling post, but I am at my wits end!!

OP posts:
Closetlibrarian · 31/05/2019 22:04

OP, I wonder if you’d get more helpful replies in the Relationships section if you asked MN to move it there?

Peachi82 · 31/05/2019 22:10

It was similar with us.
I ended up buying the house I wanted with my money and he lives with us lol

Original poster
Frustratedand · 31/05/2019 22:17

Peachi82

I would love to do that - but I can't afford a mortgage on my own. He unfortunately has the lion's share of the deposit, even though we earn equitable amounts.

OP posts:
MNHQ
LilyMumsnet · 31/05/2019 22:17

We're moving this to relationships for the OP now. Flowers

Original poster
Frustratedand · 31/05/2019 22:19

Thank you Lily Star

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 31/05/2019 22:20

I would hold off buying anything with him.

How does he have so much saved?

How long have you been together?

Thehop · 31/05/2019 22:20

Won’t he compromise at all?

MrsElizabethShelby · 31/05/2019 22:24

Are you my step mum? If so, you fucking reap what you sow. Enjoy the tight unreasonable bastard that is my father 😂

Original poster
Frustratedand · 31/05/2019 22:25

RantyAnty

I would hold off buying anything with him.

I think we are probably going to end up renting for another year at this rate.

How does he have so much saved?

Sadly from inheritance.

How long have you been together?

5 years.

OP posts:
mysteryfairy · 31/05/2019 22:25

The feeling you have that for £25k more you could buy the house you needed - is this something you could prove (or disprove) by viewing some houses on your own. I’d be inclined to do some thorough research and then try and get him to view a really good contender that you’ve previewed. Could you find something that has savings in other areas e.g. great levels of energy efficiency, cheaper commute to work as a sweetener? £25k is £100 a month over 20 years (before interest compounding) so could be findable in modest savings associated with a cheaper to run house.

Failing that offer yourselves up for Location, Location, Location!

Butterymuffin · 31/05/2019 22:25

Can he afford a mortgage on his own? Or is he reliant on your income too, even though he has the deposit?

I would put it all on hold to save up more yourself, and I would refuse to keep looking at places you just don't want to consider at all - this after all is what he's doing. In response to 'rent money is dead money' say 'buying the wrong house is wasted money' every time.

Original poster
Frustratedand · 31/05/2019 22:27

Thehop

Won’t he compromise at all?

Well, not really. He lets me veto most places to be fair, but otherwise no. We nearly bought one house but lost it to a higher bidder. Not seen anything that big since, and it wasn't even particularly large!

MrsElizabethShelby

Neither of us has any children Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Frustratedand · 31/05/2019 22:29

Butterymuffin

Can he afford a mortgage on his own? Or is he reliant on your income too, even though he has the deposit?

No, he is reliant on our joint income, as am I, unless it's through help to buy etc.

OP posts:
CannoninD · 31/05/2019 22:30

Oh OP I totally understand.

This is me > 😬 gritting my teeth every time DP and I have a ‘big’ decision to make.

He also has a go to ‘catch phrase’ which perfectly captures how ‘considerate’ (bloody picky) and ‘measured’ (painfully slow) he is and it drives me a bit nuts.

We currently have a lovely home, which he bought before we met (and it sounded like a nightmare - he must have viewed 30) and I dread what will happen when it comes time to move.

I think the best thing you can do is limit his options. Find 3 houses you like. As close to his budget/specifics as possible.

Present them to him and tell him if he doesn’t pick one within 24 hours you’re signing another year long rental agreement and calling quits on the mortgage- as he’s damaging your mental health.

I do this frequently with DP

Coronapop · 31/05/2019 22:31

It sounds as though you are wasting your time with him.

W0rriedMum · 31/05/2019 22:32

Who made him the boss?! Amazed that his preference overrules yours, especially for £1K/year over 25 years.
Maybe meet in the middle and see if adding £12K makes a difference?
But where do you live? It sounds like a hot market - it can't be in England, can it?!

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 31/05/2019 22:37

Can you / he afford the extra £25k. I can't see why he wouldn't go for it if you can.

Original poster
Frustratedand · 31/05/2019 22:43

mysteryfairy

The feeling you have that for £25k more you could buy the house you needed - is this something you could prove (or disprove) by viewing some houses on your own. I’d be inclined to do some thorough research and then try and get him to view a really good contender that you’ve previewed. Could you find something that has savings in other areas e.g. great levels of energy efficiency, cheaper commute to work as a sweetener? £25k is £100 a month over 20 years (before interest compounding) so could be findable in modest savings associated with a cheaper to run house.

It wouldn't be a forever home for that much more, but it WOULD be nicer. Think along the lines of a 3 bed semi with two double bedrooms and a box room vs a terraced 3 bed with one small master bedroom, 2 box rooms and a downstairs bathroom or an upstairs shower room.

I could view houses on my own but I am reluctant to go behind his back and cause an argument, find the time to sneak away, etc. But maybe that's what it will have to come to. Someone has to take control of this ridiculous situation.

I was thinking more e.g. let's view a house for £350k but offer £320-325k instead of viewing a house on for £325k and offering full asking price.

But he will argue that it's out of budget, no one will accept such a low offer, it isn't fair (!) to try to take advantage of people desperate to sell, etc etc. Then he will send me a house at the lowest end of the budget possible and it'll be a bloody shed, basically.

Failing that offer yourselves up for Location, Location, Location!

Honestly, I would so be up for that! Grin

OP posts:
whatisheupto · 31/05/2019 22:45

Can you use the argument that there are benefits to NOT paying off the mortgage early..... with interest rates low you can make your money work hard for you. It can be a false economy to pay off early. Also it's a good idea to stretch yourselves as much as possible now, the bigger your investment now, the more it will grow over the years. Ie. Buy a 150k house now and in 20 years till be worth 600k. Buy a 200k house now and in 20 years till be worth 800k. He needs to consider your feelings in this, do NOT buy a house you are unhappy about!

thenightsky · 31/05/2019 22:45

My biggest regret is that we didn't go slightly over budget when buying. We could have managed with a bit of effort but it would have paid off ten-fold in the long run.

Isatis · 31/05/2019 22:45

How does he reconcile his endless search for something that doesn't exist with his belief that rent is dead money? The longer he takes looking for his unicorn, the longer he will be paying rent.

I think you are going to have to give him an ultimatum - either along the lines that Campervan suggests, or one where the threat is that you will be walking out and getting a tenancy on your own.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/05/2019 22:48

I would be vary wary of having children with a man who is so controlling and unwilling to compromise. Perhaps this isn't the man for you.

HeddaGarbled · 31/05/2019 22:53

Yeah, Kirstie would sort him out for you.

Honestly, I’d just take a back seat for now. Stop actively looking yourself, continue to veto any dumps he suggests but otherwise don’t bother discussing it at all.

If he eventually comes to his senses and starts looking at decent properties, you can check back in. You’re happy to carry on renting for now, so the onus is on him to come up with a different solution.

whatisheupto · 31/05/2019 22:54

OP do you have a mortgage approved yet? I would advise doing that so that you know exactly how much you have to spend and also so if you do find the perfect place, you are in a good position to move quickly. Sellers and estate agents like people with mortgages approved even more than people offering an extra 5 or 10k but with no mortgage in place!

expat101 · 31/05/2019 22:54

I don't think you would be going behind his back making enquiries on your own OP. There are only so many hours in the day and two heads are better than one!

If he is the type to be offended that you are looking and he doesn't it see as a complimentary thing that a normal partner would do, then I suspect there are other issues at play such as his need to be ''in control''.

Personally, I would find some that you like and make appointments to view them. If he wants to chuck a wobbly at that, then stop looking altogether until he gets his head around that this is a joint effort and decision.