DH refuses to buy anything more expensive

[Frustratedand]

I feel like I am banging my head against a wall. I am exhausted from endlessly looking at houses and not getting anywhere. DP wants a fucking unicorn which doesn't exist. At this point I don't even want a house. I don't want anything.

He has a budget in mind and refuses to reconsider it, or even look at anything which is marketed at a higher price. Most houses we've seen are tiny and depressing, terraced, in dodgy areas with sofas and smack heads in one driveway but a brand new BMW in the next.

I feel like for even £25k more we would get a better property or the same sized property in a nicer location, but OH NO he wants as small a mortgage as possible to pay it off quickly ... but we're still looking at 15-20 years! So what bloody difference does it make!

He also refuses to consider flats. I don't want a flat either to be fair, but if the goal is to spend less money then I'd rather buy a maisonette with a garden and be done with it.

Anything that comes up which is even remotely suitable gets snapped up quickly and we're just going round in circles. I cry on a weekly basis from sheer frustration and I don't know what to do. I suggested renting for another year to save up for a bigger deposit and I get "rent money is dead money." Sometimes I worry that I am not married to a man but to a collection of catchphrases cleverly arranged into a human form!

He is 10 years older than me, neither of us have owned a home before... I understand wanting to be mortgage-free quickly, but SURELY the house should be worth it? He previously lived in a campervan (by himself) so I think every house he sees feels like a large luxury to him.

Sorry about this long, rambling post, but I am at my wits end!!

CannoninD

Thank you for your understanding, I feel so relieved to know that it's isn't just me and this ridiculous situation

We have definitely viewed more than 30 and I am utterly, utterly, exhausted.

I think the best thing you can do is limit his options. Find 3 houses you like. As close to his budget/specifics as possible.

The thing is, here house prices go up in £25k increments. He sees "£350" and refuses to go look at it.

Present them to him and tell him if he doesn’t pick one within 24 hours you’re signing another year long rental agreement and calling quits on the mortgage- as he’s damaging your mental health.

That's not a bad idea, I would just almost need to get an idea from the EA of what kind of price could potentially be accepted just to get to that point.

Coronapop

It sounds as though you are wasting your time with him.

Well, I'm married to him, so I need to do SOMETHING.

W0rriedMum

Who made him the boss?! Amazed that his preference overrules yours, especially for £1K/year over 25 years.

He wants to pay off the mortgage ASAP. I can't really force him to take on a mortgage he doesn't want although if you know a way let me know

Maybe meet in the middle and see if adding £12K makes a difference?
But where do you live? It sounds like a hot market - it can't be in England, can it?!

It's South London. Prices go up by £25k, the prices I gave are just examples.

OneRingToRuleThemAll

Can you / he afford the extra £25k. I can't see why he wouldn't go for it if you can.

Yes, over a slightly longer term. He has delusions grand ideas about paying off the mortgage in 15 years/ASAP and being "free". I think ultimately he craves security, so I do feel guilty for being so frustrated and angry.

Is £325k v £350k the actual dilemma?

I’d pictured you were in a price range where £25k was a significant percentage e.g. £100k v £125k.

You’re talking about ten percent of the asking price! I don’t think this is necessarily an unreasonable amount to offer under by. Have you researched local sold prices? Where are you that he feels going at asking price is the only option? I thought brexit had depressed the market!

Maybe start looking further out in cheaper areas where you can get more for your money.

Surely nobody offers full asking price, especially nowadays?
You need to look at higher priced properties with the view to offering less. I thought that's what everyone did.

Also, he sounds mad re offers. He needs to know that it is totally acceptable to offer a chunk less, in fact it is expected!! Of course it may well go to asking price in the end, but that's not to say offers aren't allowed! we just sold our house and all the estate agents we got valuations from said put it at x and expect to achieve 10k under that.

My DP was like this. He wanted detached, double garage, loads of other fucking things I can’t remember. All for some shrapnel and a couple of buttons. Weirdly we did end up finding what he wanted for his budget, the compromise was that we had to look about 30 miles in the opposite direction 🙄

The biggest mistake I ever made was not going for the biggest house possible that would have actually been a forever home. The cost of moving and renovation is ridiculous so if you can do it once then it’s the best option. Scrimping now means more cost later. Maybe you can sell it on that basis ! I am not sure why people have this idea of paying off the mortgage early. As long as as you enjoy work and have an income coming in then it’s no big deal.

I thought the norm for most mortgages was 25 years?
15 seems a bit ambitious unless you have a big deposit.
Doesn't he realise that the longer you spend renting looking for his dream home is dead money?

There are people who are drains or radiators, it's a serious analogy. Google it. Drains suck the life out of you, radiators give you warmth and comfort. Only you can decide what's best for you *
If I were in your shoes I'd reconsider my relationship.

Jessica- there are some hotspots that still require offers over asking price. Depends where you are but the housing market isn’t dead everywhere

whatisheupto

Can you use the argument that there are benefits to NOT paying off the mortgage early..... with interest rates low you can make your money work hard for you. It can be a false economy to pay off early.

I'd love to, but I feel woefully ignorant in this respect! If you (or anyone else) could point me in the direction of some educational reading that would be very much appreciated!

Mostly if I point out that house prices will go up he says that if ours increase so will everyone else's, which means we won't actually have any more money or be able to buy anything bigger! And I have no idea what to say to that.

Isatis

How does he reconcile his endless search for something that doesn't exist with his belief that rent is dead money? The longer he takes looking for his unicorn, the longer he will be paying rent.

Excellent question!

I think you are going to have to give him an ultimatum - either along the lines that Campervan suggests, or one where the threat is that you will be walking out and getting a tenancy on your own.

I doubt he would believe me.

Aquamarine1029

He said previous girlfriends described him as controlling, but mostly I can stand up for myself and don't allow him to 'control' me. I feel lost and conflicted in this situation because ultimately 70% of the deposit is his money and i feel ethically uneasy about trying to force him to a) spend it in a way he doesn't want to and b) take on debt he does not want.

HeddaGarbled

Yes, I think I'll have to take a back seat, it really has taken its toll on me. Obviously muggings me is the one who has been arranging the viewings etc

whatisheupto

OP do you have a mortgage approved yet?

We got an agreement in principle last year which has probably expired now. During the meeting with the bank he insisted on a shorter term and that's how we got to the "budget".

I understand wanting to be mortgage-free quickly

I don't. A mortgage is cheap money. I'm in no hurry to pay ours off.

Prices tend to increase proportionately. So if you buy something a little more expensive, the extra increase if prices do go up before you want to move again, is all extra equity, so makes a disproportionate difference to your deposit for the next "rung" of the ladder.

We bought our first house in a very different market; but I still slightly regret how conservative we were, as it might have made a significant difference to funding our 2nd house.

It sounds to me as if he doesn't really want to get a mortgage/house with you.

Take a step back for a couple of months and observe what he does.

I think you should do some viewings on your own. We had a notional budget which would have been reasonably comfortable as a mortgage, but I happened to pass a house I liked and looked it up and saw it was on for a bit over our budget - budget was 425, this house was 465. When I viewed I realised it was just a different class of house than the 425 bracket I had been looking at, bigger, nicer garden, view, character, there was a reason it cost more. They didn't accept our first offer, we then made a higher offer, more than we had planned and after saying no the seller later came back to us and we bought at that price. I'm glad we didn't stick rigidly in the lower bracket as we definitely have a better house and that is a pleasure every day,

You definitely should see higher priced houses and make an offer .everyone expects buyers to make an offer . . He sounds odd .

Downsizing this year (I live alone) because I'm sick and tired of being a mortgage slave for my dream house. It ceased to be a dream a long time ago and is now just a mill stone round my neck.
Have you cinsidered a larger flat?

Well the house we looked at was £240 but the owners had already told us that they had set their hearts on a house so were desparate to sell.
We offered a very cheeky £200 and they accepted.
The circumstances of the seller can be crucial so don't assume that lower offers won't be accepted.

He's sabotaging your house hunt.

Like you said, he's comparing houses to his camper van. But worse, he's using what he thinks is acceptable to dictate the terms of your shared future.

A small house that needs work is fine, if that's what you both agree on and is what you can afford.

Ultimately, buy the wrong house and you'll resent the stingy bastard every time you knock your hip trying to get the bin out of the back yard.

I ended up doing the majority of the looking on my own as DH did not want to move.
I spent about 9 months looking until I found the house I wanted and that we could comfortably manage the mortgage.
Only then did I take him to view the property.
We had started out looking together so I had a clear idea of what he wanted.
Once he saw the property and position he was happy to go ahead with the purchase but I was the one to bid at auction.
Leave him behind and view multiple properties and then show him only the top contenders.
Good luck

How have you established the budget because there are two sides to this argument and we haven’t heard the other side yet.

I can see no merit in living in the house of my dreams if I cannot afford it. Financial peace of mind has a value too.

YANBU. When we bought 5 years ago the property looked above our budget at £140k. It had been on the market for over a year (probate), nothing majorly wrong with the inside, but the exterior/garden was a mess. We ended up getting an offer accepted for £128k. Essentially, mortgage rates are low atm (1.5% or less). If you can save or invest in excess of that rate (check ISA rates) and have a stable income, then it likely pays to look into to buying a house a little beyond the budget he currently has in mind. If kids are on the horizon in the near future, look at what house selling/legal fees you'd have to pay to move up a step in the property ladder. Also consider what you would have to pay in rent for an equivalent property ( and have nothing to show for it in the end).

I've just gone to talk to him and he's looking at houses 300 fucking miles away at half the price of our budget

Fuck this, I have had enough. I am going to bed.

Just because you take a mortgage out for 20 or 25 years doesn’t mean you need to keep it that long. You can often overpay, and if you remortgage every 3-5 years you can chop a couple years off the mortgage each time, if you can afford the repayments. We have a mortgage with the Co-op which allows you to make overpayments and then borrow the money back later if you need to / want to. I’m sure there must be similar products on the market.

I remember my parents encouraging us to “stretch ourselves a bit” when we bought our first house, as they said it is cheaper in the long run if you can get one stage closer to your forever home. I think they were right.