DH refuses to buy anything more expensive

[Frustratedand]

I feel like I am banging my head against a wall. I am exhausted from endlessly looking at houses and not getting anywhere. DP wants a fucking unicorn which doesn't exist. At this point I don't even want a house. I don't want anything.

He has a budget in mind and refuses to reconsider it, or even look at anything which is marketed at a higher price. Most houses we've seen are tiny and depressing, terraced, in dodgy areas with sofas and smack heads in one driveway but a brand new BMW in the next.

I feel like for even £25k more we would get a better property or the same sized property in a nicer location, but OH NO he wants as small a mortgage as possible to pay it off quickly ... but we're still looking at 15-20 years! So what bloody difference does it make!

He also refuses to consider flats. I don't want a flat either to be fair, but if the goal is to spend less money then I'd rather buy a maisonette with a garden and be done with it.

Anything that comes up which is even remotely suitable gets snapped up quickly and we're just going round in circles. I cry on a weekly basis from sheer frustration and I don't know what to do. I suggested renting for another year to save up for a bigger deposit and I get "rent money is dead money." Sometimes I worry that I am not married to a man but to a collection of catchphrases cleverly arranged into a human form!

He is 10 years older than me, neither of us have owned a home before... I understand wanting to be mortgage-free quickly, but SURELY the house should be worth it? He previously lived in a campervan (by himself) so I think every house he sees feels like a large luxury to him.

Sorry about this long, rambling post, but I am at my wits end!!

Poppyinafieldofdreams

How have you established the budget because there are two sides to this argument and we haven’t heard the other side yet.

I can see no merit in living in the house of my dreams if I cannot afford it. Financial peace of mind has a value too.

Looked up mortgages on comparethemarket. Went to bank we felt best matched what we were looking for. Mortgage manager did some stuff on an Excel spreadsheet, ran a credit check and asked a bunch of questions, then said based on what you said, your income and deposit you can afford X amount.

How else do people do this? EAs keep trying to push their mortgage brokers on to us but I imagine it would be a similar process.

I would be thinking about your relationship in general. How much do you have saved?

Could you buy something on your own. Not necessarily what you want but a starter place.

Used to know a guy (married 5x) who wouldn't buy a house because he was convinced they were too expensive.

He was believe it or not a surveyor.

He once pointed to a group of detached houses and said that all the people who bought them were facing bankruptcy as they had paid £150,000 for them and they were only worth £25000.

Sadly he spent his whole life in the rented house he moved into when he went to uni.

Wives would come and go. Number 5 got his art collection, sold it and moved.

My first place was on market for £310k. We offered £260k. Offer was accepted. Your dh is being silly.

If he's looking at houses 300 miles away, what exactly does he suggest you both do about finding work? Has he factored in that if house prices are lower there's a very strong chance that earnings are lower?

We went through Trussle, an online broker.

I wouldn't push buying unless your H can start making some sensible, informed decisions, though. It took a bit of a process with DH to get him to appreciate that our sweet spot was higher priced than his initial instincts but at least he was open to that conversation. Interestingly, as part of that conversation, we also worked out that we were unlikely to get anything better for 275 than 200-ish, since the 275K houses were mostly carrying a specific location premium that wasn't of benefit to us.

He won't believe a threat to leave unless you actually mean it. Are you prepared to stay living in this incredibly frustrating limbo indefinitely?

@Frustratedand

We got an agreement in principle last year which has probably expired now. During the meeting with the bank he insisted on a shorter term and that's how we got to the "budget".

There's probably no advantage to locking yourselves into a shorter term mortgage, as long as the mortgage doesn't penalize you for paying it off early. You're far better off to get the long term mortgage and then make extra payments to pay it off early. That way if something happens to lower your income, you're not obligated to pay the higher monthly amount.

Also your DP is odd for not being willing to offer below asking price. Everyone does that, unless it's your dream home and the market is hot.

His concern about taking advantage of desperate people? He's basically robbing them of the opportunity to get out of whatever situation is making them desperate. That doesn't sound very honorable to me.

Don't go behind his back to do pre-viewings. Tell him you are doing it.

I’m currently in the process of downsizing, divorce means I have very little to buy with, I am looking at properties at £25k to £50k over my supposed budget as all the estate agents tell me that most vendors will accept an offer of up to £25k less than asking price. We have accepted an offer well below our asking price as it was that or wait for possibly another year.

I would recommend an independent mortgage broker either London and Country or Alexander Hall, they will recommend mortgages and often have access to deals that you won’t find going through banks or compare the market, also they take all the hard work out of it and can explain all the legalities and make sure you are totally clear on what you are signing up for. I have been self employed for several years now so getting a mortgage is difficult but Alexander Hall have found a few mortgages that I could take out if I needed to.

I feel for you OP. Hope you are OK. Is he equally irritating in many other areas of your relationship? Or is he generally OK otherwise?

Why the fuck won't he make offers? That is how the housing market usually operates.

Why can't he think of the asking price as a guide price? It isn't like buying goods in a shop where you normally must pay the marked price or leave with nothing. You can negotiate. Some vendors might stick rigidly to their asking price, but many are expecting negotiation, so make an offer!!

Tell him that if he wishes to move 300 miles away to stick to his budget then he is welcome to do so - on his own.

I was like him. I bought a house for about a third less than I could have afforded.

The house was lovely but the area was grim. Apart from the misery of living there, the house was very hard to sell and though I did eventually sell at a profit, I would have made way more profit if I'd bought a decent house in the first place.

Depending on the vendors situation they may be willing to come down so surely it's better to look at houses that are slightly over priced with the intention of offering lower?
This was 10 years ago but our vendors were desperate to sell as they were unbeknown to us emigrating to Australia. They put it on the market for £320k, dropped it to £310k then £299k. We offered £280 then met them at £282k

Could you put it to him that way?

OP your DH does not appear to understand mortgages or house buying you need to put your foot down. Why would anyone insist on a shorter term mortgage which limits your flexibility when you could have a mortgage that allows for penalty free over payments.

Not sure how much rent you are paying but if you are managing that and have saved for a deposit then it makes sense to use that as a starting point for what you can afford in terms of monthly payments and borrow as much as the banks will allow within that budget.

Does he realise that as your wages rise the mortgage will (hopefully and under normal circs) become more affordable over time and that getting the best house you can afford now and have room to grow in may save on moving costs later.

But he is being controlling. Even if it's his deposit you're still going to be paying half the mortgage and be locked in.

He doesn't care where you want to live, he doesn't care what kind of house you get for your money, he doesn't care if you'll be happy living in something you feel is substandard. All he cares is that he gets what he wants, and you pay half.

I also think he needs a reality check about asking prices or I can see you facing another nightmare when it comes to selling and refusing to accept any offers that aren't full asking price.
He is a seller's dream though if he thinks you have to offer the asking price.

His concern about taking advantage of desperate people

What exactly does he mean by that?

I don't even know what that means and I have bought and sold many places.

People want to sell there house to move for a number of reasons.
Sometimes because they are desperate because of financial issues.
Sometimes because they are relocating, sometimes they are up sizing sometimes down sizing
They put there home on the market and your dh won't buy it because they are desperate?

In England and Wales the asking price is just a guide.
Even if it says offers in excess of it doesn't actually mean anything.

It is called negotiating.

I would have thought if you have a budget of £325,000 then you look at places up to £365,000.

What happens if he sees a property advertised as OIRO.

Does he think that it still means the asking price or will he knock 50p off.

I would go and view a few places on my own. Ask how much the vendor is willing to come down to. Usually the EA will have a basic idea that you can knock £7-10,000 off then present him with the house.

I actually think he doesn't want to buy. He has made it so awkward. The reducing of the mortgage length snows he is trying to make it so much harder.

Are you sure he isn't a founding member of housepricecrash

It's definitely not taking advantage. This is how buying property works. No one ever usually offers the asking price. The only time this may be different is if you get into a bidding war with someone else., You always negotiate and as Oliversmumsarmy mentioned the prices are only guides.

@Frustrated Sometimes I worry that I am not married to a man but to a collection of catchphrases cleverly arranged into a human form!

That is brilliant

He sounds a nightmare. Do you really want to get tied up with this man? He’s obviously just seeing this as his decision and that’s that. I dread to think how he will be during the house buying phase- that can get tricky if you’re not flexible!

If you are married then he doesn't have a bigger deposit than you , you have a joint deposit. If you are still thinking in terms of his and yours I don't hold out much hope. It seems to me he is looking at ways to avoid buying with you and tying himself down despite the fact that you are married! Very strange set up.

He's looking at houses 300 miles away????? Nah, he ain't serious about buying.

yeah that's gone beyond a joke! Not even worth a discussion to find mutual ground.

TBH he doesn't sound very bright.

He doesn't understand how the real estate market works.

If he buys a crappy home in a bad area just because it is cheap, usually there are large expenses to fix the place up to be decent and won't increase in value as much as nicer place and will be harder to sell.

Offering full price is just dumb.

He also has to understand you need to be somewhat close to work.

I wouldn't buy anything with him at this point. Does he have a mate or someone who can explain how it works to him since he won't listen to you?

This would kill any love and respect I had for my partner.

And looking at houses 300miles away?! WTF?!

You said you are the one to organise the viewings- just stop this now. Refuse to see any property you are not happy with. Let him do it all and see how far he gets.

You look at properties you want to see yourself and get a feel for what is more realistic.

I think a broker might be helpful if you can get a better mortgage deal that would enable you to borrow more but at a better rate.

I think marriage counselling could also be helpful tbh.

Surely not being part of a chain is a + + + for a buyer. We waited months and months for a house as someone in the chain's house had a flood or similar. Against the advice of solicitor we, and everyone else waited til it was sorted.
Many People need to sell quickly- due to job move, divorce, health, and there you are OP, waiting to move in with no property to sell. Naturally you offer below the asking price for a quick sale.
And it's a business transaction, purely business. So you pay the minimum you have to for what you want. Whilst the buyers get as much as they can. It's very hard though as in life we seldom make such big decisions or such big transactions.