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Original poster

My boyfriend wants to go clubbing...

97 replies

gaynor83 · 31/05/2019 11:05

We have been together for a year and a half, were both 35. I have never really liked clubbing I prefer to go for meals,cinema or cook and watch a movie at home. My boyfriend loves dance music and used to go clubbing a lot in his younger days. He also struggles with a drug problem as a result of this. He's recently started working away through the week so I've hardly seen him. He asked me if I minded him going clubbing this weekend...i would like to say no as I don't want to be a controlling girlfriend. But I do mind. He's been doing well with his drug issues lately and his friends who are going will be taking drugs, he made no secret of the fact that he will be too. And his friends are single, they're planning on staying out until 4am then going back to an apartment to watch boxing until God knows when. I'm of the opinion this is really not acceptable when in a committed relationship. I can't help how I feel. He is loving and I believe he loves me but why put himself in that situation? To me, clubs are just full of drunken/drugged people acting like whores. He wouldn't go if I asked him not to but I also don't want to stop him from doing something he wants. I wouldn't mind if it was a normal night out and he was coming home at a reasonable hour.
I do have Insecurity issues, as does he. The drug problem makes our relationship hard too, and this doesn't help.
I don't know what to do,I said ok go, do your thing but I don't feel right and am now avoiding speaking to him. I feel a bit hurt that he has worked away for over a week and he prefers to do that than spend time with me.
Am I being silly/unreasonable? I just can't help feeling upset by this.

OP posts:
WoahMySocksAreOnFire · 31/05/2019 11:13

What? I’m 32 with 2 kids a fiancée and 2 SCs. I go clubbing at least once a month.
You think people shouldn’t go out clubbing if they’re in a relationship and it’s unacceptable Shock

YABVVVVVVU.

You not trusting him regarding drugs or hanging out with single friends is a separate issue. If you don’t trust him, don’t date him.

TheMonaOgg · 31/05/2019 11:16

If it was just about the clubbing I'd think you were BU, but it's about the drug issue. If he's been doing well without them then he shouldn't have to take them to have a good night out just because his friends are so YANBU.

RiversDisguise · 31/05/2019 11:17

I'd dump for the drug thing. Is it coke? Fucking pathetic, esp at his age.

PhannyPharts · 31/05/2019 11:19

I think the relationship sounds like its causing you more angst than is worth it.

He isn't doing well with his drug issues if he's planning to go out and use them. He's putting you in that situation because he would rather get wasted than consider your feelings.

Up to you what you do - but this isnt about clubbing

BlueCornishPixie · 31/05/2019 11:20

There's absolutely nothing wrong with going clubbing in a relationship. Nothing wrong with staying out till 4am and watching boxing occasionally

YABU and a bit of a judgemental twat to say clubs are full of drunk/drugged people acting like whores.

YANBU to not want to be with a man who does drugs. You are more than welcome to say if you do take drugs I'm leaving you. But I don't think you can stop him clubbing. If you don't trust him to cheat, and you know he'll do drugs which you don't agree with then why are you with him?

Tryingtoslim · 31/05/2019 11:22

people acting like whores nice, real nice

TeaForTheWin · 31/05/2019 11:24

I think an issue with drugs takes priority over clubbing tbh. But it shows a lack of desire to even fix this, considering here is still indulging in the lifestyle that started it. THAT is a problem.

I don't think I would be ok with a partner going clubbing either tbh, even one much younger than him. I'd grin and bare it maybe if it was his mates stag or something but I don't see why a man in a relationship needs to go to these sorts of things. Pub until 12 every Friday or whatever, sure. But clubbing, nah. Though I'm sure many people would be perfectly fine with it.

The drugs thing however, not ok.

ComtesseDeSpair · 31/05/2019 11:24

To me, clubs are just full of drunken/drugged people acting like whores.

Charming! I go clubbing with friends at least twice a month - often completely sober because we just love dancing and music.

But I digress. Look. Clubbing is not your problem here. Your problem is that you’ve hitched your star to a man with a substance abuse problem who you don’t trust to be faithful (rightly or wrongly.) Frankly you sound completely mismatched and as though you both need to separate and then stay single whilst you work on your self-esteems and boundaries.

Miniloso · 31/05/2019 11:25

It’s his life, his choice. It’s your choice to decide whether this situation with him and drugs etc is going to work for you long term.

I don’t mind the mates and clubbing bit but the drugs given his addiction would be a no to the whole relationship from me.

QueenofPain · 31/05/2019 11:29

To me, clubs are just full of drunken/drugged people acting like whores.

WOW. Hmm I don’t think ever read anything more uptight and Christian.

Why are you actually with this guy? It sounds like you enjoy the idea of him when he’s sitting in with you with a crochet blanket over your legs and a hot cup of tea, but the reality of who he actually is as a person, and the things he enjoys is abhorrent to you.

Maybe you could meet a good well behaved boy at church or something? Then you can live out your happy little beige existence in peace...

PavlovaFaith · 31/05/2019 11:29

He's literally told you he plans to do whatever drugs with his friends. There's completely honestly. Sounds like a "take me as I am" type of guy so if you don't like it, you need to move on

Original poster
gaynor83 · 31/05/2019 11:33

It's a mixture of all of those things really. It's coke and other things too. All his friends do it but they don't have problems with it. I keep thinking were not on the sane page at all, maybe I should end it.
Sorry I don't know what all the abbreviations mean?

OP posts:
Alwaysawomantome · 31/05/2019 11:34

'clubs are just full of drunken/drugged people acting like whores.' 🙄😬 I'm a 30 year old Mum or two with a husband. Sometimes I go out with him, sometimes without him and myself and near enough everyone I know does not go out to act like a 'whore.'
YABU in the sense that people don't go clubbing to be unfaithful, so I can't see why its wrong to go out when you're in a relationship.

YANBU to be concerned about the drugs. He obviously is in serious need of help if he cant have a good time with his friends without popping pills or sniffing on some columbian marching powder. He needs to do some growing up there.

If you can't trust him to go out and enjoy himself, then you both need to sit down and have a serious chat about your relationship.

fecketyfeck21 · 31/05/2019 11:37

some pp are abit daft in their remarks op but the 'behaving like whores' was below the belt. it does seem tobe the drug thing that bothers you the most though, can you see yourselves together long term ? i would think not, might be time to move on, you can't save him from drugs, he has to want to give them up for himself'

RiversDisguise · 31/05/2019 11:37

She isn't saying everyone acts like whores in clubs, ffs. But coke does have that effect on people. Turns people into overconfident, promiscuous, tedious fuckheads.

WoahMySocksAreOnFire · 31/05/2019 11:42

I reiterate... if you don’t trust him then dump him. Being a controlling dickhead isn’t ok and a grown man should be able to go out with his friends occasionally.

Calling people who enjoy clubbing whores is completely out of line. I personally couldn’t be with someone who was so uptight, judgemental and as boring as you.
Oh and I’ve never touched a drug in my life although I do like to drink wine / gin and dance.

WoahMySocksAreOnFire · 31/05/2019 11:43

@RiversDisguise read it again.

To me, clubs are just full of drunken/drugged people acting like whores

RiversDisguise · 31/05/2019 11:47

Full of just means that there can be a lot of cokeheads or whatever there. That's how I read it. Not that the contents are 100% pure whore.

SleepingStandingUp · 31/05/2019 11:47

Well I'm not sure suggesting that people who go clubbing are drunken / drugged up whores will get you the best advice OP

Ultimately do you want to be with a habitual drug user with a tendency towards being a drug addict?
That's what matters.

Him going out with mates, having a drink then watching the boxing isn't an issue.

His drug abuse is.

OliviaBenson · 31/05/2019 11:49

The clubbing is the cover- he's going out to take drugs.

I'd dump the loser. I cannot abide drug use.

Your worth more than this op. You can't fight his demons for him.

Original poster
gaynor83 · 31/05/2019 11:49

Sorry didn't mean to offend anyone. Just a bit fed up. I'm no angel believe me. That did sound a bit Christian lol. But singles do go there to get off their heads and pull. I dont know his friends either except that they all love drugs.
I wouldn't have tried to stop him going i just wanted other people's take on it. I do trust him but I've been googling things and feeling bad.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 31/05/2019 11:50

I still like clubbing at 50.
But I've never touched an illegal drug in my life.
I've never been a whore or had a one night stand.
As others have said, your issue is the drugs.
I could never go out with someone who took coke and other stuff.
I'm just so dead against it all.
It turns normal nice people into total dick heads.
And if he has addiction problems they will never ever go away.

RiversDisguise · 31/05/2019 11:55

You can't rely on a drug user. You can't build a future with them. Trust them with money. Let them drive if you think they are high. Believe their tales of what they did last night because chances are they don't really remember. Etc etc.

Ohyesiam · 31/05/2019 11:57

Acting like whore? You mean having no sex for money? I spent the entire 90 s clubbing and never encountered that.

The clubbing is not your problem, the drugs are.
When you say he’s been doing really well what do you mean?
If he wants to get clean he needs either a program of support, rehab or a 12 step fellowship( N A) , and the bottom line is it has to come from him.
Drug recovery starts with a “ rock bottom” , ie when someone feels they have really fucked up and it’s ruining their life. If he’s not there he won’t do it.

Bluntness100 · 31/05/2019 11:59

To me, clubs are just full of drunken/drugged people acting like whores

WTAF, what a horrible way to think.

If you can't trust him then end it. If you trust him then it's his call. He's a grown up and you're not his mummy saying if he can go out or not.

I'd hate it if my husband told me what I can't and can't go or came out with a ludicrous statement that clubs were full of people acting like whores. In fact I'd wonder what the hell was wrong with him.

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