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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH has secret FB profile

124 replies

Namechangepickle · 29/05/2019 20:49

Namechanged. Just found a profile that his him on suggested friends. Haha the power of FB!!
Been live for 7 years. He doesn’t have a normal one. This one it seems is for talking to young ladies around the world. He travels on his own regularly. He’s put a different hometown and career and mentions our boys but not me. I could see some messages but no PMs it seems he likes to chat and maybe meet for no strings. We are 26 years married And about to become grandparents. I’m 10 years younger and much fitter than him. Marriage fine, not perfect but no sex for many years. Mostly his health issues. I’m 56 this year and have wonderful job, he’s semi retired. I am not prepared to give up my life and everything I’ve worked so hard for. I think I can tolerate it if it’s overseas and not affecting me but just need to examine my feelings.
He is a good man and has missed sex so I kind of understand
But I’m just a bit disgusted. It’s so cliched. Respect lost. Just needed to vent.

OP posts:

GinIsHappiness · 30/05/2019 09:34

My ex has three profiles.

One for his pretend single life.

One for his wife and children and other family to use and see. (Which I was blocked from
Finding as we're many other women he used)

Sorry. But he's messing around.

Original poster

Namechangepickle · 30/05/2019 15:41

I’ve told him I found the profile. He’s mortified as expected and apologetic and taking it down.
I told him I’m disgusted but don’t want to discuss it further at the moment.
He’s currently deleting it.
I feel pleased I told him so no one else can see it.
He’s on the back foot and i can work through my feelings.
Long term I don’t know if I can stay but I’m less churned up. Let him be churned up and i can concentrate on wedding and new baby
Thanks for being there. I couldn’t have shared this in RL

OP posts:

DuchessDarty · 30/05/2019 15:44

Well done for raising it OP, that must have been hard. I'm glad you feel a little better. Do make sure you discuss it properly when you're ready and I hope you took screenshots for evidence to ask him about specifics if need be.

ZiggyZagZog · 30/05/2019 15:57

Well done op, good to let him stew. You need time to gather your thoughts. Hope you get some clarity over the coming weeks

Original poster

Namechangepickle · 30/05/2019 16:04

We have spoken.
He’s deeply sorry as of course he would be.
We’ve had a hug and I’ve said I don’t know how I feel yet.
I don’t want to know specifics but he knows I’m deeply hurt and I said I expected better from him.
Respect lost.
Lets see how I feel in coming weeks.

OP posts:

sheshootssheimplores · 30/05/2019 16:09

OP this might be an ideal time to sign up for couples counselling. At least he has admitted that he has done wrong and is contrite. You have no idea of the details yet. Until you know I don’t think you can decide if you can move forward from this revelation.

Worrynot1 · 30/05/2019 16:15

No harm is done if you are cool with it and you pair are not having sex. He gets his fun and you get companionship.

ElderMillenial · 30/05/2019 19:13

I think you've handled it all really well and should be proud of yourself for that. We will all be here if you need further advice when you've worked through everything

PrettyPretty · 30/05/2019 19:36

OP I discovered something similar two years ago and my head was all over the place. I wasn’t able to make any decisions for six months and then I left him. I have no regrets as I had lost that love and respect

sincethereis · 30/05/2019 19:42

TheStuffedPenguin · 30/05/2019 23:00

No harm is done if you are cool with it and you pair are not having sex. He gets his fun and you get companionship.

Gee whizz.....

supersop60 · 30/05/2019 23:46

^^ - WTF worrynot1?
Ew.

ObtuseTriangle · 30/05/2019 23:50

Probably too late now if the profile has been deleted but I would want to see any messages he has received and sent. I would want a full picture of what he was getting up to. Likely he will minimise it.

Completely understand that you are taking your time to make your decisions. Good luck with the family events. You’ve handled this with a lot of dignity

snoopy18 · 31/05/2019 06:45

Good on you for raising it before wedding and baby arriving OP. Hope you’re ok as can be :-/

littlecabbage · 31/05/2019 07:41

Well done OP. I hope you find peace and contentment further down the line, however that may happen.

Original poster

Namechangepickle · 31/05/2019 07:43

I don’t want to see all the messages but I gave him the impression I had. He’s not that tech savvy to know one way or the other so hw just completely folded. No minimising at all, just sorry.
I said we have such a lovely life, why jeopardise that?
He said we still have a nice life.
I said I’m not sure how I feel yet, we have a lot going on and we need to concentrate on that for now.
What I cant imagine is going into retirement with him with no kids at home.
He’s already semi retired but I have 10 years to go (he’s older)
I can honestly see me leaving when the youngest goes to university next year.
No rows of ducks needed. I’m self sufficient.
We are going to a fancy michelin restaurant tonight for a dinner I bought him for Christmas, just the two of us. It all feels tainted.

OP posts:

ElderMillenial · 31/05/2019 08:20

One thing I will say is that it's very easy to reopen a Facebook account you have deleted so possibly keep an eye out. Also, it doesn't sound like he is this kind of man from what you have said but he may just start another without a picture or any link to his real life if he wanted to. Watch out for that.

Go in with low expectations for tonight but you could have a good time still. He is still the man you know.

WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName · 31/05/2019 08:28

Don’t go to dinner if you don’t want to, or take a friend/one of the kids instead and say your husband is unwell.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 31/05/2019 08:38

He is still the man you know

He isn't though, is he?

I don't know how you could sit through a restaurant meal with him after your discovery OP. He'll soon be back up to his tricks you know. This kind of thing is addictive, and if all he gets from you is "I know all about it" from you upon discovery - well he doesn't lose anything, does he? He still gets his 'respectable' family life, treats from you, and the frisson of his much younger online harem.

Eustasiavye · 31/05/2019 08:54

Oh dear op.
I would get through the wedding and then decide where your boundaries are.
Why at 56, do you live in a sexless marriage?
Who's decision was that?
Why do you tolerate your supposedly loving dh jetting off alone to exotic places and holidaying without you?
Do you have separate bedrooms too?
Think about the role models you and your dh are to your children.
Would you want your children to marry someone like him?
Would you be happy for them to marry someone who doesn't have sex with them, who possibly pays for sex with much younger , exploited people who really have no choice. To live as friends but share no physical connection. Would you be happy to see your dil have a fb profile like your dh had?

ElderMillenial · 31/05/2019 08:54

Part of him is... I would say. PP is right tho, maybe you should take a friend or tell him to take one of your kids.

theOtherPamAyres · 31/05/2019 20:13

Your dignity, level-headedness and wise actions in the face of a bombshell are so impressive. What an incredible woman you are.

You have borne this burden alone. You are determined to box up the mess up and stick it at the back of the wardrobe until you can deal with it properly after the wedding and the birth. So many of us have had to do this - to maintain a facade and deny our own grief because of an impending family event.

You are independent, self sufficent and so, so strong. (Even though you may not think you are during 'bad days' of sadness and anger)

I have no words for the absolute loser that you are married to.

Qweenbee · 01/06/2019 08:17

I hope one of you pretended you were ill or if you did go then it was productive in getting through this.

I think I would also be tempted to see the wedding and your youngest child off to uni through, and delay any decisions till then. By then you'll know how you feel and it won't be a monumental decision. The decision will have made itself. In the meantime if things get too untenable then you can make a move sooner.

DrMorbius · 01/06/2019 08:43

Now it is out in the open and you have told your DH that you will need time to process things. Don't think your DH want be making plans himself Op.

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