DH has secret FB profile

[Namechangepickle]

Namechanged. Just found a profile that his him on suggested friends. Haha the power of FB!!
Been live for 7 years. He doesn’t have a normal one. This one it seems is for talking to young ladies around the world. He travels on his own regularly. He’s put a different hometown and career and mentions our boys but not me. I could see some messages but no PMs it seems he likes to chat and maybe meet for no strings. We are 26 years married And about to become grandparents. I’m 10 years younger and much fitter than him. Marriage fine, not perfect but no sex for many years. Mostly his health issues. I’m 56 this year and have wonderful job, he’s semi retired. I am not prepared to give up my life and everything I’ve worked so hard for. I think I can tolerate it if it’s overseas and not affecting me but just need to examine my feelings.
He is a good man and has missed sex so I kind of understand
But I’m just a bit disgusted. It’s so cliched. Respect lost. Just needed to vent.

The suggested friends thing occurred to me. If Facebook is using geographical algorithms it occurred to me that it might pop up on the kids feed - although none of them use it a lot. He’s not as tech savvy as he likes to think. It’s pitiful really.

Fucking hell Katy thats harsh

If you appear on his second account as somebody he might know, he'll block you pretty sharpish at the least, if not frantically deactivate his profile.

Fancy sticking a post on his time line? A photo of him and his wife clearly tagged so that all friends will see he's been tagged? No need to say anything, as that would say it all.

PS adjustment from one life to another is hard, but it is the adjustment that is hard. JUST THAT I promise you.

Living without lies and resentment is never going to make you less happy.

Before I left my x, I thought that it would be a sadness to live the next 30 years as a single woman but as soon as I'd adjusted to being single I laugh at myself now that I saw that as a sadness. I"m happier now. I'm dating somebody but I still see myself as single.

I work in an industry where this sort of thing is common unfortunately with men at that age who travel or work away for work. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

Just a thought but if he came up in your suggested friends then he will probably come up in your children's suggested friends as well. It might be wise to mention it to him sooner rather than later if you want to avoid that situation.

OP, can you look at some of the FB women's other FB friends, and see if they have other Western men as friends?

@Namechangepickle can you honestly say your children would feel any differently if they found out? What adult children in their right mind wouldn’t?

Not sure ''shaming'' him on facebook is a good idea.. He could turn around and say something nasty to shame the OP. Defensive guilty people can react aggressively if publicly exposed.

I'd keep this discovery to yourself for a while OP. Detach from the shock of it a bit before making a decision.

If you decide to stay though I'd tell him you know. Consciously uncouple but live in the house as companions.

I’m incredibly independent and would be fine on my own.
I’m just not clear it’s what I want
I suppose because i know I can leave if I want to gives me a certain strength.
I have to think of DS still at home with us for a while at least.
I appreciate all of your comments. I have a lot to think about.

katy78 - the OP has just found this out, her head is most likely all over the place and then you berate her. Why on earth would you wan to kick a woman when she's down? I absolutely cannot understand how little compassion some people show in the here and now.

@Sentry70 Factoring her children’s reactions if they find this out is a huge consideration should she decide to stay. It could have enormous consequences that she not be underestimated. It’s my view the OP should be aware of this so she can make an informed decision.

And Katy i know my kids and I know how they would react
They’d be disgusted with him and sorry for me.
It’s not what I want.
I can look after myself, i also want to protect their relationship with him.
Im not even sure he has done anymore than chat!

just to be clear - he had health problems before - but do you think he could be capable of a physical relationship now ? Or this is just chat to make him feel better about himself? Has he talked about your lack of intimacy at all?

@Namechangepickle Fair enough, I am writing from the perspective of you suspecting he has been sexually exploiting young women, and considering staying with him after learning this. I hope it’s not more than chat.

Send him a friend request.

Katy78 back off - she's just found this out. It's not about what you would do, so stop being so forceful/enraged at the OP

Namechangepickle - you're obviously very shocked, but do what is best for you and your family. No rash decisions need to be made. I hope you feel better soon x

I'd tell him you've seen his profile, listen to what he has to say. Talk about exploitation and how disgusting it is and go from there.
I couldn't keep it secret once I knew.

The “Far Eastern Ladies” he is chatting to might not be ladies. They might not be in the far east, either, they may also have fake profiles!

OP how shocking for you, I agree with keepcool that you should not make any rash decisions. You need time to digest this information and decide what you want to do. The DC must out find out. If you can be calm I would confront DH and see what he has to say for himself. I suspect he will die of embarrassment and cease the liaisons , you can then decide if you can continue to stay married to him.

Good point Wincarnis

out=not

If you've found his other profile so easily it's likely your children, extended family and friends will stumble across it.

I'd send a friend request too and then when you see him ask who 'Jenny Smith' (or whatever name) is so he knows you've seen chats.