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Original poster

DH has secret FB profile

124 replies

Namechangepickle · 29/05/2019 20:49

Namechanged. Just found a profile that his him on suggested friends. Haha the power of FB!!
Been live for 7 years. He doesn’t have a normal one. This one it seems is for talking to young ladies around the world. He travels on his own regularly. He’s put a different hometown and career and mentions our boys but not me. I could see some messages but no PMs it seems he likes to chat and maybe meet for no strings. We are 26 years married And about to become grandparents. I’m 10 years younger and much fitter than him. Marriage fine, not perfect but no sex for many years. Mostly his health issues. I’m 56 this year and have wonderful job, he’s semi retired. I am not prepared to give up my life and everything I’ve worked so hard for. I think I can tolerate it if it’s overseas and not affecting me but just need to examine my feelings.
He is a good man and has missed sex so I kind of understand
But I’m just a bit disgusted. It’s so cliched. Respect lost. Just needed to vent.

OP posts:
Sentry70 · 29/05/2019 22:39

I didn't report your post katy78 but MN clearly thought it wasn't acceptable as it has been deleted. Your tone was not supportive but attacking and superior. You then went on to say that the OP should be aware of what you perceive her children's reactions might be, even though you don't know them. "Factoring her children’s reactions if they find this out is a huge consideration should she decide to stay" - do you honestly think she won't have thought of this?

1moremum · 29/05/2019 22:41

I can look after myself, i also want to protect their relationship with him.

unfortunately, that isn't really your job. his relationship with his sons is his responsibility. Even for the youngest one still at home. if they would lose respect for him over his having sex with anyone but you, then it's him that has messed that up and him that will have to work it out with each one of them, individually. Your covering up for him will harm their respect for you in the long run.

the risk of them getting the same friend suggestion you did is pretty high, so you do need to address that part pretty soon. even if you can't deal with the rest of it yet, he needs to know he has been caught and to close the account.

theOtherPamAyres · 29/05/2019 22:43

Pickle - please, please rant away if it helps you to process and gather your thoughts. Don't feel the need to answer all the questions coming from left, right and centre - unless the questions help you clear the fog.

Don't feel the need to think about the future now. It's new, it's raw, you can't speak about it to anyone close, so stay in the present and absorb this shocking revelation for the time being.

Never mind about him - how are you feeling?

expat101 · 29/05/2019 22:48

Give yourself time NC pickle. You have a lot to think about and digest.

May I suggest though if you decide to stay with him, that you start going on these trips (or make noises that you intend to go with him next time he starts speaking of going again, that will pull his socks up quick smart!)

A family friend curtailed her Husband's visits to Thailand by going with him and now they go cruising together instead. Whatever was going on for him over there has stopped.

Big hugs xx

Original poster
Namechangepickle · 29/05/2019 22:49

I feel pretty shit to be honest.
We are happy together, we have a nice life with lovely kids and great friends. And DS getting married in 3 weeks!
I need to process it all but you’re all right. The profile needs to go. I think I’m going to tell him it’s popped up on my suggested friends and ask him to remove it.
Then spend some time with my thoughts and let him stew!
We’ve got a wedding to host at home and a new baby to welcome.

OP posts:
DuchessDarty · 29/05/2019 22:54

Oh OP, what especially shite timing with the wedding and new baby coming up. Flowers

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 29/05/2019 22:57

Asking him to remove it may pull him up sharp, especially if you point out that it could pop up on your DC's suggestions. You may have thought you had a nice life, but you can't unknow what he's up to. Not being cruel, OP, but he's been living a double life - even if it turns out to been online only (doubtful)

Sentry70 · 29/05/2019 22:57

I'm sorry that this has happened Namechangepickle. I really hope you find the best way forward for yourself and that you can still enjoy the wedding. Best of luck to you.

Original poster
Namechangepickle · 29/05/2019 23:01

Thank you all for your kindness and the reality check. I’ve taken myself up to bed to have a think. Will tell him what I’ve found tomorrow.

OP posts:
kateandme · 29/05/2019 23:05

thi would be a scary ass upheavel to your life.youve lived this way.you though you were happy together,comfortable.it fits. and so moving on,moving out,leaving how scary is that! but people do it.people are happy and freer and loving life again after.and no its not simple.but is living with a man who would disraspect and walk all over what you thought you had together ok? he has smashed all your honesty and trust and respect to pieces.
his boys should lose their respect for him!look what he is doing.if you dont want to tell them because they would then feel this then that shows you what he is doing is bloody wrong!if one of your boys partners was going off around the world getting with other woman.and being secretively contacting them over the web how would you feel?

kateandme · 29/05/2019 23:08

you were happy becasue he was off having other woman.online or other.
you deserve better hun.im so sorry this has happened.you sound so low.get soem sleep.this is your time to be in control now ok.you need to think what you need right now.what hes done is awful.whehter you were having sex or not.whether he thought your relationship was lacking something or not.this sint how you sort thing out when you love someone.you work on it together.not his sickening way.

Sally2791 · 29/05/2019 23:24

It's such a shock when you realise someone isn't who you thought they were.
Just take as much time as you need to let it sink in, no need to rush into any decisions. I would keep the evidence in some form in case of lying denial. Wishing you all the best with however you proceed

hesagooddog · 30/05/2019 01:51

Why do you want to protect him from your kids rightful opinions? It's his job to protect his relationships, not yours.

Knitclubchatter · 30/05/2019 02:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AgentJohnson · 30/05/2019 06:36

I feel like I don’t want them to lose respect for him.

That’s not your call, it’s theirs. I suspect they wouldn’t lose some respect for you in choosing to cover up his activities.

If you want to stay married and not give up your status/ lifestyle, go ahead it’s your prerogative but don’t dress is up as protecting your children because even though the truth hurts, the lie is always worse.

TemporaryPermanent · 30/05/2019 06:49

You don't have sex and you have a happy marriage.

How about letting him have his own moral decisions? you don't have to do anything about it if you don't want to.

Maryjoyce · 30/05/2019 07:06

One thing you say you don’t want your kids to find out about the account however you miss the point that if you came up as a suggested friend then they also will have a high chance of them seeing the same suggested friend on Facebook so it may well be out of your hands.

ObtuseTriangle · 30/05/2019 07:14

Apologies if this has already been asked but I thought friend suggestions usually result from friends in common. Is he friends on FB with any real life friends?. Sorry this is happening to you OP Flowers

heyd · 30/05/2019 07:18

Let us know how you get on.

curtaintrail · 30/05/2019 07:20

The profile needs to go. I think I’m going to tell him it’s popped up on my suggested friends and ask him to remove it.

Won't he just change the facebook name he uses but keep the account? If this happens, he'll continue his actions but it will be less obvious. Is this what you prefer?

If you had had girls instead of boys, would you think differently about all this?

I'd get the wedding over with first. Then tackle him.

DuchessOfRednecks · 30/05/2019 07:22

Agrer with poster who suggest you block him on facebook (before he blocks you).
That way he either wont see you or if he does the evidence is there for you to unblock if you want to.

ElderMillenial · 30/05/2019 07:26

Obtuse... yes it's friends in common but also if the mobile number is stored in your phone or you are around the same places. I have a lot of suggestions that I don't know at all and some that I do see around but still don't know

TheStuffedPenguin · 30/05/2019 07:31

All this talk of exploitation of young women - often these women are in it for a Western husband , a passport or a lifestyle funded by some guy . It's very common . Have lived in several of these countries. However the point is what is OP - what are you going to do about it ? You can live the rest of your life like this or you can strike out on your own . You say you have a great job so it doesn't sound as if finances would be a problem . Long marriage - you will be entitled to at least 50% . You may well meet someone who makes you want to have sex again and who truly appreciates you instead of acting like this. Or you can continue to stay in this situation for the family's sake but I can guarantee you will sit and look at him laughing away at family weddings and the likes and you will think "what am I doing ?" . There is no need for family to find out the reasons behind a split as such . You think you can tolerate it as long as it is overseas ? Shock What happens when it starts to get more local and he finds someone here? You deserve better . You could have another 25 + years of life - you could have a whole new relationship!

mindutopia · 30/05/2019 09:21

His facebook profile is likely linked to his email (he's been foolish enough to use an email to set it up that you and others know). I get a lot of suggested friends for whom the only connection we have is that we have emailed each other through the accounts we each have linked to our facebook (no friends in common, no geographic proximity). This means if your children or friends have used that email to contact him, then he will likely eventually already pop up on their suggested friends (or perhaps already have). What a foolish and selfish man.

freshstartnewme · 30/05/2019 09:26

All this talk of exploitation of young women - often these women are in it for a Western husband , a passport or a lifestyle funded by some guy

That's HOW they are exploited Confused