Relationship just ended!! Stop me from texting him!!

[ohhahhh789]

So my relationship of 2 years ended 2 days ago. It was a difficult decision...based on the fact we want different things out of a relationship. We both were clear that we still love each other though and in many ways wanted to be together but given the differences in how we see our futures, we had to end it!! Help!! I'm heart broken and really struggling!! I can't leave my phone alone and want to text him so bad. I need help to not text him! Please stop me 😫

It is very difficult but when I was in a similar position, I told myself that I should wait a few days then reconsider whether to text him. The other thing that stopped me was the thought of him finding me needy and being out off by it...I had to hold.in to my pride! Are the differences in how you see your futures insurmountable? Do you live far apart/have vastly different aged kids, for example?

Keep going over the reasons you made this decision, they aren't going to change. Think of all the other things he has done that irritate you and rejoice that you are not going to have to put up with them any more

Start making plans about things that you want to do.

I think the best thing to do in this situation is give yourself a time limit until you can consider texting him, like a week or two.. then you have a goal to get to and it makes it easier.
You may then find in two weeks that you've made it that far you don't want to text him, or he might have texted you by then.

When I had this a few years ago. I wrote it all in an email and saved it as a draft and then read it back and felt an idiot. It helped.

Try to keep busy.
Arrange to see friends and family.
Go for a walk.
Find a series you really want to watch and binge that.
Put your phone in another room.
This must be so hard but you know you've done the right thing for you.

Thanks everyone. Yes I've been doing pretty much all of those things. Getting house on the market so trying to keep myself busy with that. Need to set myself a limit but it keeps changing although that is something I normally do. We usually text a lot so it's just hard not to any more.
Yes the differences are big and have been an issue for a long time but I suppose in the early stage of the relationship we both just told ourselves that it was early and there was time for change but after 2 years he still can't fully commit where as I want commitment. Him not fully investing in the relationship has made me feel really low in myself so I kee remaining myself of that and that time will heal.

I think there is your answer ' he wont fully commit ' that should be enough to refrain you from texting. You are worth more and he is not worth it. Do not look back it is not the way you are going. Good luck.

I know how you feel.
Go out, take a walk, have a coffee with a friend and leave your phone at home. Distract yourself.
And google how NC can help you heal and sometimes can help bringing an ex back.

Good luck OP xx

Thanks. I'm not even fully sure why I want to message!! Just to check in I think as it's such a habit! And I suppose in the hope he will have a change of heart and suddenly say he wants me and all that comes with it but I know that's not going to happen.

Distract yourself. Find things to try which you have never done before, or started and given up. Keep yourself busy and do some lovely things.

It will get better.

Keep that in mind OP. Save yourself from the disappointment.

The guy I was being with for over a year before meeting DH broke my heart and I really wanted him back. I also had the tendency to text him all the time. It will only come off as desperate.

I went NC for 3 months with him and after that I didnt even want him back. Allow yourself to heal and move on. I met DH after those 3 months and feel happy now my ex broke up with me.

Honeybee 3 months sounds like torture right now!! I might set myself a target of a week and see how I feel then. I feel that the goodbye was very cold but I know that was him holding back as he was upset. I text him after saying I think it was for the best but it still hurt all the same and that I loved him. He replied with a broken heart saying he felt the same. I then sent a goodbye message but he didn't respond so In some ways I feel like we haven't had a proper goodbye. We however did do goodbyes a few weeks ago when we first started to question whether the relationship was going to work and we dragged it out and it was horrendous!! (We decides to hold on for a few weeks whilst we spoke about everything properly). So I know it's not really needed and that he won't want to feel the hurt like that again. I don't know why I feel like this but i do 😞

Its completely normal, you love him and you miss him and you are obsessing over how he feels.
What helped me getting trough these 3 months was the following:

1. Good friends who support you, offer a shoulder to cry on and threaten to come to your house and lock you in the bathroom without your phone until you have come to your senses again.
2. Set a goal. I wanted to lose 10 kgs and quit smoking. I focused on that and it helped me ‘ obsess’ over something else.
3. I took a holiday and traveled to the other side of the world. I was looking forward to it and I didnt want to feel distracted by him during that time and it helped me to not message him before I left. During the holiday I was too busy enjoying myself. After the holiday the 3 months were nearly over and I didnt think so much of him anymore at that point.

OP, please don't text him. I don't want to give you false hope because in the majority of these situations the couple is just not meant to be, but I was in the same position 2.5 years ago. My boyfriend wasn't willing to commit to the level that I felt we needed to be at that time and so we broke up. I was heartbroken, but I forced myself not to contact him (and it became easier and easier) and instead focused on myself and advancing my career. A few months later, I received a letter from my then exbf where he said the time apart made him realise how much he loved me, how foolish he had been to let me go. Long story short, we are now getting married and are very happy. The time apart allowed both of us to improve and grow as individuals and gave clarity on what was important in life.

Whether you get back together or not going NC is what is best for you. You can heal, gain perspective and start to move forward with your life.

You’re hurting and you want to talk and it’s natural to want to talk to the person you feel closest too. So go to the next one along, or to us.

But contact won’t make it hurt less. It won’t change a thing. My first big break up, my ex didn’t actually have a phone. It made things so much easier. This whole NC wasn’t even an issue 20 years ago!

Focus on all the things you want to do for you. Food you want to eat, maybe a new outfit, an adventure somewhere you’ve always wanted to go, a film you want to watch or a book you want to get lost in. All the good stuff that makes you fall in love with yourself all over again.

It won’t hurt forever. It just won’t. But texting him might just prolong the hurt, even if there’s an initial spike of relief at contact. Do you want that?

Rose water that would be great but inside my head I know that's not going to happen as I've been there before!! We split up 2 years ago for 4 months...very little contact during that time and after 4 months he canted me and said that he was ready for commitment.... nearly 2 years later though and he just can't commit. I've come to the realisation that I don't think he can no matter who the woman is that he is with. He has too many fears that he just can't overcome x

Ubbes I know you are right. That spike of relief is all it will give me but it won't actually change a thing 😞

Assuming you don't know his phone number by heart, write it down and give it to a friend with instructions to keep it safe. Then delete his number from your phone.

If you ever need to get in touch with him you can ask your friend for his number.

He has probably blocked your number so there is no point in sending a text. Also, if you were the keener partner, not texting him (if he hasn't blocked you) is likely to make him want you more.

This was me a couple of weeks ago

Text his number to a trusted family member or friend and delete it from your phone- you’ll still have it in case you have to get in contact but it stops the impulse texting.

You will be fine OP. Just remind yourself there’s someone out there who’s suffering more than you- grim, but helps.

And I suppose in the hope he will have a change of heart and suddenly say he wants me

If you think you may want that to happen you MUST on no account contact him. Men are not attracted to needy women. If he thinks he can have you easily he won’t be interested. Ever.

Even though I do have them thoughts in my mind I would never say anything to that effect.

ohhahhh789, you are right that his issue won't disappear unless he works on them and gets help. My DP went to therapy during the time that we were apart, and he said that he realised that he wanted to be with me and the only way it would work out is if he worked on his issues. That is the only reason why we are in the happy and committed place we are in today.

You don't know what the future holds and it is possible that your ex will have the same realisation and get help, but you have to move on and not hold out hope for that. I can remember those weeks and months following our breakup and how heartbroken I was. What got me through that period was concentrating 100% on myself and my development. Everyone copes differently, but I realised that going out with friends and dating right away wasn't good for me. I had my work to do (like coming to terms with why I was with a guy for so long who was not committing to me). I put all of my efforts into improving my self-esteem, working out, and advancing my career. When I was ready to date again and when my DP and got back together I was in a place where I was emotionally and mentally strong. I had a big promotion at work, knew my boundaries and my worth, and had an active social life. I look back on that heartbreak with gratitude because it allowed me to become the person I am today.

I don't think he will work in his issues because I don't think he thinks that he has any! He doesn't accept that he has a fear of commitment. He just thinks he's protecting his kids. He doesn't seem to see that many people have relationships and kids and it works out fine so no he doesn't think that the way he has treated me is unreasonable.
I'm off work this week which doesn't help. I'll be better when I'm back. I've got loads of stuff in this week which is keeping me busy then I'm going on holiday next week. I really don't want to be pre-occupied with him all the time. I was to enjoy it and relax so I hope I can.
I'm going to try and find a series to get in to and might start reading again. Ive been thinking of joining a gym too but I'm worried about finding time as I have my son a lot.
Last time we split I started dating straight away. I'm not going to do that this time. You are right... I also need to try and work out why I've allowed myself to be in a relationship that's not going anywhere for so long and work on my self worth and self esteem.

Use this thread as a support when you need it. You will be okay and get through this.