Being called Fat, Lazy, Cunt by husband

[Angel54321]

So I've been in a marriage for just over 2 years now & as all relationships there are always ups and downs.

OH and i are currently going through a really bad argument which started so small over me not waking him up for a date we had planned one sat afternoon. i didn't for the simple fact he is a 33 yr old man who stayed on the phone till 4am the night before to a friend without thinking he had a day planned with his wife despite already have woken up had breakfast and fell back to sleep. Or to have the decency to say please wake me up.

Fast forward a few weeks later of not talking much, me staying with a friend (because he became very aggressive in our home banging and swearing) to now be called a Fat, Lazy a scavenger who brings the worst out in him and wants a divorce. Says my mother in an anchor and i was never taught how to be a good wife. He also sent a TEXT to both our parents about wanting a text which has deeply hurt them. At this point i agreed and said i will await for the papers.

Fast forward a couple more weeks him still no sign of divorce being started but constant text messages requesting we meet at his parents to discuss things further but me refusing to go. We did eventually meet up near where i am a few days ago but it was very much how he felt. He is still unsure if he wants a divorce or not but still demands i own up to my part in this. Not very much remorse for the hurt i feel other than "Im sure we'll come to that shortly" we didn't as it got late. He voiced he felt bullied in the way i get upset over things, emotional and hormonal at times, it makes him feel like he has to walk on eggshells.

I never swear or insult him back i stay quiet or try and explain in a calm way. How does anyone over come something like this?

He is bandying round "divorce" to shock you into line and doing as you're told. His language towards you is disrespectful and unacceptable. Has he genuinely apologised unprompted? He sounds like he has no respect for you and doesn't give a damn about your feelings. He also sounds like he has potential to be very controlling / abusive.

take the divorce option and run for the hills

whatthehe11:
He has not genuinely apologised without me prompting him.
When ever he brings up how i should have been positive enough to push past being upset the day i should have woken him up i do say yes i should have but it doesn't give you any reason to talk to me like this or insult my family in this way he merely says "yes i know i said some things" but can you not see you were the "ROUTE" cause of how messy this has gotten. - is that an apology?

HisBetterHalf:
He says he wanted a divorce but now "he doesn't know if he really wants it" - I'm trying to find the courage to do it myself but it is so difficult :(

Can anyone come back from saying the following:
Lazy
Fat
C*
Your unhealthy
A Scavenger
Your mums an anchor
Your mum will be an expert in divorce she will drain a man of his money,
I feel sorry for you because your parents didn't teach you how to be a wife growing up.
You attitude in a r-ship, joint effort & working harmony is poor.

Wow just typing that gave me the chills :S

Go to a solicitor and file for a divorce yourself on the grounds on unreasonable, coercive and abusive behaviour. Quote what he has called you. Move out. Move on. If you own the house - say you want 50% and file

That from him was not an apology; like many abusers its everyone else's fault except theirs.

He is simply projecting his own abusive self onto you. Remember too that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.
Do talk to Womens Aid; they can and will help you here too

Seek legal advice and start the divorce process asap. He will ruin your life if you remain with him and he will anyway make your separation from him as long and protracted as possible.

Your recovery from his abuses of you will only start properly once you are free of him. People like this individual can and do wreak boundaries; it would be helpful to you going forward to enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid.

take the divorce option and run for the hills

^ This. It doesn't matter if he isn't sure if he wants a divorce or not, it's not his choice to make. He's shown you who he really is, now believe him.

Take him at his word and give him the divorce he wants. Start a petition on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour - he's given you all the material you need. Then do the Freedom Programme to help you not end up with another cockwomble just like him.

There’s nothing to save here and no going back. Anyone who tells you they’ve forgiven their spouse for saying those sorts of things is someone with no self esteem and isn’t someone you want to listen to.

You and he both have your complaints about the other and you have to end it and walk away.

You can file for divorce easily, I did it by myself without needing a lawyer. You have no children, you can probably sort the finances easily. Accept the marriage is dead, that you being together is toxic and walk away.

Everything 👆said. Go to solicitor yourself.

Like a previous poster said that isn't an apology. Regardless of what happened that day, time has passed and he would be able to reflect enough to see the part he played in this.

He is trying to grind you down and by the sound of it put a wedge between you and your parents. Don't let him isolate you. You honestly deserve better than this. If you start giving in now this will be your life- you walking on eggshells, him kicking off anyway, you apologising, him ruling the roost. My sister stayed to try to make things work. After many years she saw the light - wasted prime years of her life.

Also Definitely contact women's aid.

You can't possibly get away from him fast enough. Get to a solicitor IMMEDIATELY.

He sounds like a complete shithead, take the divorce and run.

Yes, every relationships have their ups and downs, but during the 'downs' do not usually include stating they want a divorce, calling their spouse a fat lazy cunt.

It's usually just, y'know a disagreement over the chores or the children.

Please don't think that every relationship has downs like this, because they don't.

You are in a relationship with a toxic man.

Take the divorce and start again.

Thank you for your offer of a divorce, I accept.

Serve the Divorce papers on him and never look back. He has shown you his true colours, time to show yours.

Accept offer of divorce, run to a solicitor and no further chats with him.

He sounds like he thinks you are something on the bottom of his shoe.

No going back from that. Why would you want to?

Organise the divorce papers yourself. He's got to go. Clearly he is panicking his threat didn't panic you into being the wife he wants you to be.

DO NOT accept his offer of a divorce.

Fuck that! Go and get your own.

Why would anyone want to come back from that?

Sod him... get yourelf free of him and his nasty contolling shite!

Good luck!

Divorce the guy and quick.

all relationships there are always ups and downs

There is no up which is worth this kind of down. This is absolutely not normal. Get rid, get rid, get rid.

Please read:

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0425191656/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_sex7CbNDDQ7RW?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

It will really help you right now.

He is an an abusive narcissist and is gaslighting you.

He's one evil, abusive and vile sonofabitch. He needs intense psychotherapy just to evolve up into a cro-magnon! DO NOT apologize pack your belongings and get the fuck away from him

And go and get advice from a solicitor straight away. Do not tell him. Get in there first and get your ducks in a row pronto.

Divorce him. Don’t let him control the situation. There is no scenario where you should reconcile. If things are this bad without kids in the mix, run for the hills while you still can.