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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Being called Fat, Lazy, Cunt by husband

85 replies

Angel54321 · 28/05/2019 15:52

So I've been in a marriage for just over 2 years now & as all relationships there are always ups and downs.

OH and i are currently going through a really bad argument which started so small over me not waking him up for a date we had planned one sat afternoon. i didn't for the simple fact he is a 33 yr old man who stayed on the phone till 4am the night before to a friend without thinking he had a day planned with his wife despite already have woken up had breakfast and fell back to sleep. Or to have the decency to say please wake me up.

Fast forward a few weeks later of not talking much, me staying with a friend (because he became very aggressive in our home banging and swearing) to now be called a Fat, Lazy a scavenger who brings the worst out in him and wants a divorce. Says my mother in an anchor and i was never taught how to be a good wife. He also sent a TEXT to both our parents about wanting a text which has deeply hurt them. At this point i agreed and said i will await for the papers.

Fast forward a couple more weeks him still no sign of divorce being started but constant text messages requesting we meet at his parents to discuss things further but me refusing to go. We did eventually meet up near where i am a few days ago but it was very much how he felt. He is still unsure if he wants a divorce or not but still demands i own up to my part in this. Not very much remorse for the hurt i feel other than "Im sure we'll come to that shortly" we didn't as it got late. He voiced he felt bullied in the way i get upset over things, emotional and hormonal at times, it makes him feel like he has to walk on eggshells.

I never swear or insult him back i stay quiet or try and explain in a calm way. How does anyone over come something like this?

OP posts:
PickAChew · 29/05/2019 00:12

I bought a lovely little house with my ex. I put a lot of myself into it.

It's just a house, though. I put a lot of myself into my next house. And into this one. Neither of them had the awful memories associated with my ex, though, so have been much happier houses.

DeeCeeCherry · 29/05/2019 00:20

all relationships there are always ups and downs

6 years in and my partner has NEVER spoken to me like that. Any man who did would be out of my life immediately. He could get to fuck out of the door.

This man doesn't like, love or respect you. He dislikes and disrespects your mum. FFS go and get a divorce, why wait on him? When a man shows you he detests you, you would be wise to take heed. You surely wouldn't be with or sleep with him again after all that..would you...?

Original poster
Angel54321 · 29/05/2019 02:43

I feel like it gotten worse since we started living together he wasn't this bad when we were dating... I always just put it down to me being too needy or emotional.. he use to always say to me that I don't think far ahead and my finance always lacked despite paying for a 35k wedding and he paid a 40k deposit on the home we now own... he has said to me he always feels like I'm making him always make up for the shortfall in our finances or relationship. I know he's a good guy deep down or am I just blinded? his ways recently just not the person I fell in love with... i know it will be a few days before he Texts me saying let's talk... he'll just text he won't call or actually come and see me. Part of me feels like I should just ignore him and tell him to leave me alone but part of me thinks hmmm has he realised? my sister gave birth to another beautiful baby tonight and I was so pleased for her and so happy to have another nephew but I couldn't help but feel so broken that I couldn't share this beautiful moment with the one I love. I know some may think I'm being really silly... I'm sorry I'm just so lost and broke atm :'(

OP posts:
Alicewond · 29/05/2019 03:48

@Angel54321 if anyone every spoke to me like that it would be over. If you go back to that then you are saying he controls you

OutOntheTilez · 29/05/2019 04:31

No, OP. Just no. You don’t deserve to be treated like this. Two years in and this is what he’s like? It will only get worse.

Thank God you don't have children with this man. If you brought children into this world with him as their father, imagine what you’d be subjecting them to.

You deserve much, much better Flowers

ErrmWTAF · 29/05/2019 04:49

Ah! Financially abusive too. You didn't give a lot of details, but his attitude shines through. I would bet he's going to try for more than 50% of the house, despite you paying nearly as much for the wedding.

It's funny how these guys all feel like they are bullied, walk on eggshells, etc. I second PP who recommended Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That?" - if you do nothing but read the Myths and Realities section, it's eye-opening.

Isatis · 29/05/2019 06:12

He's shocked that the D word didn't bring you running to heel. Block his texts and get to a solicitor.

AJPTaylor · 29/05/2019 06:21

No. He is not a good guy deep down. He is an abusive prick.

BonAccordSpur · 29/05/2019 06:31

Urgh what a sad twat urH is..the bullying&manipulation by trying to drag ur parents into it ..name calling/shaming&emotional abuse..those of us that have come out the other side of this type of spousal abuse stronger&wiser will be telling you pls dnt ignore this,it will never 'get better',he'll certainly never change(the way those faced with an ultimation usually promise..over&over).You are stronger than you know&need to get divorce procedings started NOWas he's betting he'll use this'threat'to get you in a submissive& downtrodden position..Flowersstay strong.

dustarr73 · 29/05/2019 06:34

Run before you have kids and you are tied to this knobhead forever.He will get worse especially if you have kids.He needs full attention.And really the deal breaker would be him contacting my parents to basically get them to control you for him.

Miniloso · 29/05/2019 06:51

OP, I feel your pain keenly.

It’s very very hard to leave someone you love, and divorce them.

How about you just separate for now. I do believe this man has taken away your self esteem and is abusive - but it may be easier for you to take baby steps. It seems scary to think about being on your own and divorcing him, so do not make that decision yet. Instead tell him you want a break. Don’t let him come back. But in the meantime you really must get stronger. Read the book ‘Why does he do that’ to start with. It will really help you see what is happening here. If you can afford it, get some CBT therapy for self esteem issues.

Keep him at arms length while you get stronger. You have a good family and support network.

You don’t have to make a final decision now. I know how painful that can feel. Tell him firmly why you are not letting him come back. Start to piece yourself back together. Learn to love yourself again. Do nice things for yourself, read the book, read more books on abusive relationships when you are feeling bad. Plan things to do with family and friends to keep yourself busy and have things to look forward to. Binge watch a tv show. Go to the gym. Buy yourself some nice things. Online window shop.

Change things around in your home a bit, I found that really helped for some reason. Made it more ‘my’ space, not ‘ours’.

It will take time. It’s not easy. You are broken by this relationship and need to put yourself back together. You will get stronger by standing up to him and not allowing him back. You’ll start to feel empowered.

You need to try very, very hard to have minimal, if any contact with him while you are healing.

When you feel stronger and start to realise your worth, then make the decision. Please try to get CBT counselling during this time, it transformed me and I got my strength and self esteem back.

You can do it OP, just take baby steps.

ArgyMargy · 29/05/2019 07:04

"Your mum's an anchor"

Is this an insult? What does it mean?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 29/05/2019 07:10

Drags you down, drowns you... I think.

ArgyMargy · 29/05/2019 07:34

Oh!! Thanks 😁

ArgyMargy · 29/05/2019 07:34

...not "keeps you grounded" then?!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 29/05/2019 07:49

More like stops you from moving on, I would think.

But I'm equating it to millstone round your neck" so could be wholly incorrect Smile

Teacakeandalatte · 29/05/2019 07:53

Yeah he may have meant 'an anchor' as an insult but for most people its a good thing. Keeping you safe and stopping you getting swept away by storms. Similar to saying someone is your rock. I would remember your parents and family are there for you and they have seen what he is like, they will support you in moving on with your life. So perhaps he did say one thing right but your mum being your anchor is only a bad thing to him but a good thing for you.

Ragwort · 29/05/2019 07:58

I would never forgive anyone who spoke to me like that, I have been married over 30 years, the usual ups and downs, but neither of us would ever use that sort of language to each other (or to anyone for that matter). Please have some self respect and leave him. If you stay he will know he can get away with treating you with very little respect and it will only get much, much worse.

bourbonbiccy · 29/05/2019 08:04

I would be filing for divorce myself, not waiting for him to.
He does not sound like a nice person at all. You are worth more than that !!

Pigachu · 29/05/2019 08:04

Fuck that! He is the cunt...divorce, divorce, divorce!

LizzieSiddal · 29/05/2019 08:08

My goodness you’ve only been married two years! It’s really not normal to have “ups and downs” in a two year marriage. You should still be in the honeymoon stage.
Please listen to everyone and start divorce yourself.

FinallyHere · 29/05/2019 08:08

I am so sorry to read that you think these are the normal ups and downs of a relationship, that deep down he is a good man. His behaviour to you is atrocious

Have a look at https://freedomprogramme.co.uk

minmooch · 29/05/2019 08:11

It should not be this hard. Only two years married? Fuck no - divorce him quick and find someone else who does not speak to you this way.

SoHotADragonRetired · 29/05/2019 08:14

I think you would really benefit from doing the Freedom Programme online. All that "you eat too loud, you don't smile enough, you don't make enough money" - that was low level abuse and control. He was testing you out, finding out that you were a good "mark" for his abuse, figuring out how far he could push you.

He is not a good man, I'm sorry. He's an abuser and he's always been one. You will see that one day when you have more distance - I know it's hard right now because you still have the loving feelings of the past. Go back to your family and start the divorce process.

SoHotADragonRetired · 29/05/2019 08:16

And in the meantime, I would 100% recommend Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? . Download it today and have a read.