Being called Fat, Lazy, Cunt by husband

[Angel54321]

So I've been in a marriage for just over 2 years now & as all relationships there are always ups and downs.

OH and i are currently going through a really bad argument which started so small over me not waking him up for a date we had planned one sat afternoon. i didn't for the simple fact he is a 33 yr old man who stayed on the phone till 4am the night before to a friend without thinking he had a day planned with his wife despite already have woken up had breakfast and fell back to sleep. Or to have the decency to say please wake me up.

Fast forward a few weeks later of not talking much, me staying with a friend (because he became very aggressive in our home banging and swearing) to now be called a Fat, Lazy a scavenger who brings the worst out in him and wants a divorce. Says my mother in an anchor and i was never taught how to be a good wife. He also sent a TEXT to both our parents about wanting a text which has deeply hurt them. At this point i agreed and said i will await for the papers.

Fast forward a couple more weeks him still no sign of divorce being started but constant text messages requesting we meet at his parents to discuss things further but me refusing to go. We did eventually meet up near where i am a few days ago but it was very much how he felt. He is still unsure if he wants a divorce or not but still demands i own up to my part in this. Not very much remorse for the hurt i feel other than "Im sure we'll come to that shortly" we didn't as it got late. He voiced he felt bullied in the way i get upset over things, emotional and hormonal at times, it makes him feel like he has to walk on eggshells.

I never swear or insult him back i stay quiet or try and explain in a calm way. How does anyone over come something like this?

Sounds like you both don’t like one other.

You sound bitter about waking him up for your date, as if you were teaching him the consequences, whereas I think most people would have woken their partner up. It’s just what you do.

However, he then has gone too far denigrating you and your family. He is obviously having second thoughts now, but yes, best for both to get out now before you have bigger commitments.

Sounds like you both don’t like one other.

No, it just sounds like OP has had the sadly very common bad fortune to fall in the path of an abuser. Who has gaslit her with the usual bollocks about being "too emotional", "not positive enough" and all her various other supposed failings.

So he started out chipping away at you at minor things about yourself (which you accepted and changed) and now he's out and out aggressive and abusive to you.

He's pushed your boundaries- even threatening you with divorce, anticipating that will frighten you and you'll go running back to him - and to more control.

I would strongly consider whether this - and possibly escalating behaviour - is something you can tolerate now. And then add pregnancy and children to the mix if you do back to him - and you are trapped.

Is this how you wish your future to be? 🌷

I can’t get past the being taught how to be a ‘good wife’! What an absolute thundercunt. I agree with the pp’s - run for the hills - you deserve better. Good luck

(p.s is ‘anchor’ an autocorrect? Just curious as to what he means if not - not relevant & doesn’t change any opinion. If anything an anchor would be a positive thing (having just googled it!)? As in an emotional support..

It is so hard for a rational person to understand abuse that your mind tries to rationalise it - did it happen, is it that bad, did I cause it, it is just a one off, can I handle it differently so that there isn't a repeat.

This is what "normally" works but when you are with an abusive man nothing works but complete compliance.

I had what should have been a "good" relationships as on so many levels we were compatible BUT he was abusive (driven by a personality disorder due to childhood abuse) so it could never be "normal". We were not having the usual ups & downs as underneath he is incapable of genuine love as he can't hold object constancy. This is the ability to love your partner when they have upset you. To disordered people if you upset them you are all bad, which allows them to call you names and treat you with contempt. The cycle is idealise (the phase when you could do no wrong and it felt as if they loved you), devalue (you are in this phase now), discard (usually happens because they have lined up another person and they want to repeat the cycle).

I am not surprised he is targeting your mother, he probably sees that she is your ally so he wants to break that bond.

I am so sorry, loving someone who cannot love you and projects all their hate is destroying. It can also make you physically ill as your body is on constant fight or flight mode. Headaches, indigestion or auto immune conditions result from living with an abusive personality.
I know it may want to fix it but you can't. It usually involves him having years of therapy and mostly doesn't work. A physiologist refers to it as rubber band, they can stretch their behaviours to act normally but generally they have to return to their usual self.

Nothing you do will ever be good enough.
He will keep moving the goal posts.
And what is a 'good wife'?
I would suggest one who is submissive and does everything for the wonderful 'man' in her life??
Washing, cooking, cleaning, shopping, ironing, sex on tap when he wants it, good blow jobs.
This guy is a misogynistic asshole.
He is abusive and controlling.
Do you have DC together?
If not then run - far and fast.
THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

You never swear or insult him back.
That is one of the problems. He can get away with it.
My dh used to shout around a lot years ago. Like you I took it quietly until one day I looked him in the eye and said”fuck off”. To my utter amazement he looked shocked and said”Oh! Alright then” and disappeared out of the room. I thought, what an idiot I had been. He was bullying me and all I-needed to do was stand up for myself. After that I didn’t take it any more. We have been married for 59 years and are really happy. However, until you decide whether it is fixable do not have children and don’t give it too long.

lifebegins50

This really resonates with me alot and without even knowing me you have described every feeling I feel inside of me. It's so hard I catch my self questioning is it me? Should I have just woken him up that morning I usually do but I guess at the time I was upset more because he stayed on the phone the night before till 4 am rather than being in bed with me... I know he will get in contact and say can we talk or please come home or please just meet me at my parents so we can discuss. I'm just so scared of my own emotions... it's now been 6week we've not been living under the same roof... he is living in our home and I am staying with friends... I have done the research about divorce etc I'm just really struggling with making the move.. I'm scared. I know he needs therapy (he hasn't had the best of childhood his dad was quiet verbal) which I guess he projects he knows he has an issue and I sometimes feel so bad that he doesn't have the courage to do anything and neither willing to accept my help.

When he says my mum is an anchor he means it that she is an anchor in my wife who drowns me in her own unhappiness.

Angel

No its not you, its him. He will continue to have you second guess yourself.

It is only when you are completely free of this man will you perhaps realise the whole extent to which you have been abused by him to date. Please take proper heed of what the other posters have written here.

Your H is very much a product of his own upbringing; look at what he learnt about relationships from his parents. He is merely repeating his dad's behaviours towards his wife with you now in that role. This all got hardwired into his dad and they hardwired this into their son.

I would certainly not want to meet him on his turf i.e. his parents home. His parents cannot be at all relied upon either and they will in all likelihood side with their son.

Such people like your H do not respond readily if at all to therapy because they think there is nothing wrong with how they behave. They feel also entitled to act like they do.

What are you scared of and about?.
It is ok to feel scared of the unknown and you are likely to be afraid of him too but all that is holding you back from making a complete break. Feel the fear and do it anyway. You should live a life free of abuse, after all the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

He really isn’t a good person deep down Angle, if he was he would not treat you this way.

As others suggested get some legal advice, make a plan but do not tell him. When he turns the water works remind him of his comments and tell him that he will be better off without you holding him back.

That is not what you are doing and his comments are not right- but turn them around and use his comments against him.