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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do you think would have been right to do??

80 replies

ComeAndDance · 28/05/2019 10:07

Setting: I have a chronic illness and I am basically disabled. There are many things I cannot do due to fatigue and I have to chose VERY carefully what I do and don’t. I have been ill for many years (about 10 years)
DH has not taken to that well, basically telling me I was just lazy even after I finally got my diagnosis. I also felt clearly that me not working/bringing an income was an issue so I have prioritised work above HW (can’t do both). DH refuses to have a cleaner to help with the HW and prefers to do it halfheartedly (that’s a whole other thread).

So coming to my question.
DH is ‘in charge’ of the ironing which he always does in the evening just before the start of the week. He is on hols this week with the dcs so doesn’t need clothes. I do as I am working.
Because he doesn’t need any clothes and nor do the dcs who are on hols, he didn’t do any ironing.

My question is: is that ok knowing that
1- this is ‘his’ responsibility after all
2- of course, on paper, I can do it and probably should do it but I also have a full day at work today and will struggle to do both which he KNOWS.
3- it feels like I am an afterthought. He does stuff when it impacts him but not when it impacts others (either me or the dcs)

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 28/05/2019 10:14

As he works, and picks up the slack due to your health issues, and you admit you can do it youtself, I think in this instance cut him some slack and do your own.

Everyone needs a break sometime.

Original poster
ComeAndDance · 28/05/2019 10:19

That’s one side of this story, one that I’m telling myself very often.

The other side is

  • I’m working as much as I can and actually harder than him (for me) if that makes sense.
  • it’s his responsibility. I don’t just ‘have a break’ because I’m on hols or I can’t be bothered and leave stuff to him. If something that I’m usually in charge with needs to be done when I’m away/on hols/ whatever, I talk to him and at the very least Keats let him know. But usually I still do it because that’s my responsibility. So is it ok for me to have to keep up with all my responsibilities regardless but not him?
OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 28/05/2019 10:21

I think you need to outsource stuff such as cleaning and let other stuff go such as ironig

Original poster
ComeAndDance · 28/05/2019 10:21

I also have an issue with ‘picking up the slack’ seeing that we probably actually do 50/50.
My illness comes into play because I can’t do the physical stuff. But I still do all the non-physical stuff (aka parenting the dcs, finances etc etc....).

OP posts:
FizzBuzzBangWoof · 28/05/2019 10:23

I would cut him some slack

Presumably you only needed to iron 1 blouse (or equivalent) for work today and not a huge pile so it's not worth falling out over

Bluntness100 · 28/05/2019 10:23

Ok you're clearly annoyed and believe he should have ironed your clothes. What's rhe point in the thread?

happybunny007 · 28/05/2019 10:26

If ironing is his job and he decides not to do it, that is a major renegotiation of roles and shouldn’t happen without discussion and agreement.

NeatFreakMama · 28/05/2019 10:27

I wouldn't get too bothered about it, could you sit and iron the couple of pieces you'd need?

slipperywhensparticus · 28/05/2019 10:28

Your working and earning you can decide to spend your earnings on a cleaner or someone to do the ironing

Ffs your ill not lazy

ImNotNigel · 28/05/2019 10:29

So you both work and you share the hsouework and childcare 50:50, is that right ?

And he has either taken the children away on holiday this week or the children are off school and he is looking after them ?

If that’s the case, I’d just iron my own clothes for work and leave the rest . Well actually what I’d actually do is either outsource the ironing or buy clothes that don’t need ironed. Especially if I had health problems and was chronically tired - that’s just creating needless work.

Again, I’m assuming that since you say your children don’t need clothes this week, the ironing in question is in fact school uniform for them and work shirts for your husband. So it doesn’t needs done until next weekend, when your H will do it as usual.

LemonTT · 28/05/2019 10:31

I think 3 is unfair, based on your post he does stuff for you and the kids, just not on this occasion. Perhaps he forgot or had reason to assume you had time to do it yourself, there being BH yesterday.

Your ill health is not your fault but it is not his either.

He is on holiday so his routine is broken. He probably didn't factor in the ironing because he focused on having a break, which he may well need.

How much ironing do you need to do and why? If it is onerous then buy clothes that dont need to be ironed. Most people do and its far easier for women to do.

Justbreathing · 28/05/2019 10:43

I think this is not about ironing. If it were and you were generally happy. Either he would say I’ll iron your work clothes. Or you would say don’t worry it about it as you’re all off. I can do my own bits.

Because that’s what a normal happy couple would do.

Original poster
ComeAndDance · 28/05/2019 10:58

Bluntness FYI the point if the thread is for me to get my head around what I think and feel. I’ve had those sort of discussion n my know head MANY times and sill get upset and angry when he does things like this (aka every time that sort of situation present itself. It’s not a one off. If he doesn’t have any interest in it, this just doesn’t happen).

To answer some posts, the issue with me ‘just ironing a top’ (and trousers) is that it’s exactly the sort if things I’m struggling with. It’s taking the ironing board out, the iron, preparing everything and putting them back again. And yes I am THAT BAD that this feels like physically insurmountable to me. I’ve done it (no choice as he is out today) but I also know I will pay for it today. Or rather tonight when I will be in pain. Which he knows very well.

OP posts:
Original poster
ComeAndDance · 28/05/2019 11:02

justbreathing yes yes ure probably right about not being an issue with ironing.
As I said he has spent years making me feel lazy for being ill. I still carry that and I’m struggling to get rid of that feeling that I’m the one who is lazy and he is a god who is ever so good with his dcs (see the comments just on this thread about him being a good father because he does things with his own dcs. Isn't that just ... normal?) when I’m not because I just can’t physically do all the things the dcs would have loved to do.
And he has form for not doing things when he doesn’t feel like it, even if it has a major impact on me (eg asking for a document at work that was essential to me)

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 28/05/2019 11:05

It depends on what you have.

Bluntly: If it’s fibromyalgia then he probably thinks you’re being dramatic and lazy. Because it has a bit of a rep as a “made up” condition, doesn’t it?!

Practically, I would suggest some relatively smart looking tops that don’t crease so you don’t need to iron them for when this occasion arises.

I’d be Hmm if dh expected me to iron his shirts whilst I was on a holiday from work and taking care of the dc on their week off, too!

Justbreathing · 28/05/2019 11:13

Have you sat down and had a talk with him?
Have you thought about going to a counsellor for yourself. That’s where I would perhaps start. Because it seems like you need to talk about this to see if your feelings are valid. And bluntly. Yes of course your feelings are valid, because it’s not about one incident.

Look up therapists and go. Start from there. I think it would help you a lot to have someone to talk to about everything that’s happened to you. Flowers

Spacecadetagain · 28/05/2019 11:19

It sounds like there are deeper issues to sort out here via couples counselling . I have a long term chronic illness and am divorced with dcs and run my own business and realised life was too short to iron things .... so I don’t 🤣

churchthecat · 28/05/2019 11:38

Bin the iron. I haven't ironed anything in years. Total waste of time and energy.

Original poster
ComeAndDance · 28/05/2019 11:43

I’ve asked my GP to refer me for counselling. I’ve tried to go private but it didn’t work. I found myself having to explain and justify myself again and again because the counsellor just didn’t get it.
However, last time I looked it was a year wait to see her and my GP isn’t even sure he can refer me anymore thanks to the NHS cuts...

Space you sound in a better place than me. If I was divorced with my two teens dcs, the reality is that there would be times (like now) where they would end up ‘caring’ for me. As in they would have to pick up the slack and do the cooking in the evening, the ironing, pushing the hoover around etc.... I know because I couldn’t do that when I was in my own for a few days and DH and dcs were on one of the ‘jollies’ together.

Ivana I imagine that your DH isn’t disabled though is he? And that your DH isn’t going to end up in pain because you decided to not do one of the things you normally do?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 28/05/2019 11:45

I think he is being selfish and has missed the point of "in sickness and health".

I don't really own clothes that need ironing, work stuff goes on a gentle spin and hung on hangers to dry. I've considered buying a shop style steamer to replace the iron - works more like a wallpaper steam stripper and the clothes stay on the hanger.

Doing his 50% is actually just doing his share as any decent parent should he doesn't seem to go the extra mile to support you and reduce your burden as a loving caring partner would...

Justbreathing · 28/05/2019 11:49

I think you have to try different counsellors
I went through 3

One who specialises preferably in the effects of having a disability/chronic condition like yours.

Karigan195 · 28/05/2019 11:59

If you can’t or don’t want to iron there are smart alternatives. Personally I don’t expect people to do things for me unless I can’t actually do it. If they do I’m grateful but I don’t consider it a right. I note you say you can actually iron.

RandomMess · 28/05/2019 12:04

@Karigan195 if the OP does these things at physical cost to herself then she could end up off work sick, unable to do her usual "share" so who would do that?

I could physically go on a 5k run but due to a knee problem I would be crippled for a week in utter agony unable to sleep etc so I don't run at all...

Similarly I do all the taxi duties as DH doesn't drive otherwise its silly he would be busing the DH for hours to achieve what exactly??

Karigan195 · 28/05/2019 12:09

Completely missing the point. There are alternatives.

IvanaPee · 28/05/2019 12:09

What do you have, OP? That you have to explain it to counsellors over and over, and your dh thinks you’re being lazy?

I have a chronic illness. There are times that it’s completely debilitating. I can tell you honestly that I’ve never expected dh to iron for me.