What do you think would have been right to do??

[ComeAndDance]

Setting: I have a chronic illness and I am basically disabled. There are many things I cannot do due to fatigue and I have to chose VERY carefully what I do and don’t. I have been ill for many years (about 10 years)
DH has not taken to that well, basically telling me I was just lazy even after I finally got my diagnosis. I also felt clearly that me not working/bringing an income was an issue so I have prioritised work above HW (can’t do both). DH refuses to have a cleaner to help with the HW and prefers to do it halfheartedly (that’s a whole other thread).

So coming to my question.
DH is ‘in charge’ of the ironing which he always does in the evening just before the start of the week. He is on hols this week with the dcs so doesn’t need clothes. I do as I am working.
Because he doesn’t need any clothes and nor do the dcs who are on hols, he didn’t do any ironing.

My question is: is that ok knowing that
1- this is ‘his’ responsibility after all
2- of course, on paper, I can do it and probably should do it but I also have a full day at work today and will struggle to do both which he KNOWS.
3- it feels like I am an afterthought. He does stuff when it impacts him but not when it impacts others (either me or the dcs)

She can't actually do it though without serious repercussions. So it's not missing the point at all.

Op it sounds like he's not terribly supportive or kind to you but you are stuck because of your limitations. That sucks, I'm sorry.

Well, if he refuses to believe you have a medical condition and you don't want to kick him out as a direct consequence of being a prick, the only useful suggestions I can make are;

Buy clothes that don't need ironing for the times when he's being more of a prick than usual.
If that's not possible because of work rules on clothing, drop them off at the launderette for a service wash & iron on the way home from work on Friday.

But your main problem isn't shirts, it isn't what is going on your head, it's that you are married to an utter cunt who doesn't believe you have a medical condition.

I had one of those. Seems that I could make blood tests display severe inflammation, joints swell up and deform and my skin overproduce through the power of my mind alone. I willed these things into existence to hide the fact I was a lazy abuser who had been called out (by him) as obviously having Munchausen's, apparently.

They bring nothing good into your life. They suck it out, quite frankly. The best thing he did was leave.

I managed. Not as well as if I'd had more money (so I could have paid for a cleaner/ironing service/etc, because I'd do that in a heartbeat), but the DC were old enough to learn how to sort and load the washing machine, the dishwasher, push the vacuum cleaner around, do essential ironing or set the board up for me in front of the settee so I could do it sitting down, ding dinners went on the online order so they could do themselves something if I genuinely couldn't move.

Now have a DP who never doubted me - it was 3 years before he saw what it was actually like to have a fullblown arthritis flare (I woke up one morning with hands like balloons and couldn't even hold a cup, felt like I'd been hit by a bus and reversed over repeatedly and ended up having lots of intra articular steroid injections). Gave him a bit of a shock, as he hadn't realised it could be like that, but he instantly took over all the housework, shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc.

MitziK I have to say sometimes it feels exactly like this. Not as bad your ex but like I have to constantly remind him that if I say ‘I’m tired’, this means I’m utterly exhausted, finding hard to just lift my arms up, go up or down the stairs, let alone able to actually do anything at all.

And then I have the same commentary in my head that some PP have made in here, which is basically ‘you can do it and shouldn't depend on someone in that way. Just get on with it’. :(

@ComeAndDance I won’t pretend it’s easy because it’s not . Fifteen years ago I was struck down with an illness which destroyed my balance and rendered me housebound for over a year . (I was later diagnosed with total irreversible vestibular damage ) I had four dcs of which one was newborn and a nursing career and my career went down the pan . Through sheer determination I got to where I am today but ex h did not understand my illness . He called me lazy etc etc and in 2005 left me home alone seriously ill with pneumonia on NYD to go to work . He had become so resentful of me he actually didn’t care that I may have died . There was a long thread on MN and two lovely MN members came to visit me to prepare food but ex h refused to lift a finger .. We split up but I stupidly got back with him
Only for him to have an affair in 2009 while I was pregnant. I eventually left him in 2012 and have never been happier . There are days when I’m exhausted but I explain to the dcs that we are having a Netflix and jamas day ! My 14 year old is autistic so doesn’t help much and my youngest is nine and has a bone tumour so we have lots of hospital appointments for her too .. itsnot easy but I’d never go back to life with ex h

Thanks Space
I have thought about doing the same and just separating. But there is no way I can work and look after the house etc... and I felt I couldn’t take away that nice life from my dcs.

I suppose I just feel like a failure for not been able to be fully financially independent and look after my own dcs.

It's not needing reminding, it's a deliberate choice to interpret everything as you lying.

To accept anything as truth would mean admitting that he's being a prick, whilst at present, he's busy being a fucking martyr. And yes, I did doubt myself - especially when his reaction to the idea of taking medication or having treatment was pure rage, so I went unmedicated for a very long time; right until he fucked off.

It's not easy being limited by an illness/disability, but quite frankly, it's a whole lot easier to find workarounds when you don't have somebody trying to gaslight you into believing that you're a bad person and refusing to accept it or allow you to find and use those workarounds. Saying it's in your head or that it's made up deliberately is no different from taking a wheelchair away from somebody and telling them they could walk if they wanted to. Or that their cancer would disappear if they only juiced and ran marathons.

You don't have tiny children. You can and would be able to find ways to make it possible to manage in the house, keep it clean, have suitable work clothing and have food.

You don't need him. What you need is to accept that some things have to be done differently and do them that way, whatever anybody else says or thinks. He's obviously not about to admit he's deliberately being a prick and change his ways/let you adapt your life to make general necessities like a clean house, food available, bills paid, clean clothes and getting sleep possible - your choice is whether you want a prick in your home deliberately stopping you from that.

they would have to pick up the slack and do the cooking in the evening, the ironing, pushing the hoover around etc.... I know because I couldn’t do that when I was in my own for a few days and DH and dcs were on one of the ‘jollies’ together

I’m wondering if you are too hard on yourself . It’s just that if I was home alone for the weekend with no husband and kids I wouldn’t dream of ironing or hoovering. I’d only cook if I felt like it and probably just a salad or something simple.

I’d do something I liked in the evenings , go out, have a friend over or watch a box set.

And I have no disability and I’m in excellent health, so I don’t need to save my energy the way you do.

Do you feel guilty if you relax or do something for yourself ?

ComeAndDance he sounds a lot like my DH. Ive got a chronic neurological condition that causes pain. DH accepts I'm sick, sort of, but thinks I should do everything because he works. I'm a sahm with little kids and been getting sicker and sicker the last 2 years trying to do everything with very little help. He knows I'm in an overwhelming amount of pain every day and he doesn't care enough to get up and contribute.

The not being believed and accepted when I tell him how much something costs me hurts so much. When he just dumps the tiny bit of stuff he does on me because he wants to watch the news and couldn't be bothered it really hurts. He never counts the cost to me. I work longer hours then him, up at night with kids but as far as he's concerned he's the only one that does real work and it's unfair to ask him to contribute at home when he works so hard. I used to resent it every morning when I'm up early with the kids and he's lying in bed because he's tired 🙄. Now we're so broken I'm just glad he's not around to make me feel anxious and worthless. If I wasn’t so sick I'd leave in a minute. It's not a good place to be💐💐💐.

@ivana

Seems like medicine journals, years of clinical trials and experts would disagree that it's made up

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/m/pubmed/8630121/

I don't have an H so don't get to share any chores. As a result I don't do things if I can't be bothered - including ironing. The 'his responsibility' thing sounds very rigid and boring. Why not cut him a bit of slack? And live a bit?

The 'his responsibility' thing sounds very rigid and boring. Why not cut him a bit of slack? And live a bit?
The thing is it’s not about whether I should have clothes that need ironing or not (after all, DH has some too). It’s about sharing responsibilities round the house and then deciding to just drop them when it suits him. So It could be about cooking meals or anything else for that matter. Not just the ironing.

As for ‘living a bit’ and avoiding being ‘rigid and boring’....to give you an example, this am I got up and prepared my breakfast. Then I had to sit down for half an hour to rest. I got up again and did the washing up. And sat down again for some rest. Now I am going to prepare my lunch, probably in two parts because I won’t be able to cope with the standing up for too long again.
So yes when you live like I do, which I do not have ANY choice about, having a clear set up about who is doing what is essential. Because I just cannot fit anything else in without major issue. That’s what being ill can do for you. I’d love to live a bit As you say and be able to be more spontaneous. But unfortunately, for me, it’s just a dream. I hope you enjoy and appreciate the fact you CAN be like this. Because it should never be taken for granted.

If I wasn’t so sick I'd leave in a minute. It's not a good place to be💐💐💐.

Yep. I can relate to that too.

And YY about feeling guilty about relaxing. I am constantly reminding myself that I am ill and it’s ok. Not easy when you are living with someone happy to just drop balls on the grounds that ‘someone’ will pick them up. Or that has told you you are just lazy etc....

Would you, sickness or no sickness be better off without him.

You could organise yourself better.
Get a cleaner in.

Recommend getting a tumble dryer. I don’t iron anything. (I have an ironing board and iron but the ironing board is on its last legs and I wouldn’t know where to start looking for the iron)
Dps shirts are the only thing that need ironing and I outsource them to the local launderette

A lot of what would make your life easier is having autonomy over things.

Atm you appear to have a dh who is sucking the life out of you, not believing you are ill so feel you have to justify everything you do and giving you a hard time and the bare minimum when he feels like it,

I am very wary about these guys who insist their wives bring in a pay packet. Not saying someone healthy and able and childfree shouldn’t but in this case it seems like your dh places the ability to earn over illness

We're in a similar position. Wife has illness that sounds similar to yours, I'm Mr Ironing (I love the peace and quiet and get to watch TV when I do it).

If he just forgot then I'd cut him some slack if his response was to sort out the issue. If he refuses knowing the impact to your health then he's an arse.

This thread is really depressing. A number of contributors don't seem to have any grasp of what it's like to be so ill you can't stump up the energy to do simple household tasks. I'm healthy enough that being lazy is a luxury, but I've had the 'flu a couple of times, when even getting up for the toilet was a major effort, so I can at least try to imagine what it would be like to feel like that all the time.

Just make an effort, just let the poor man have a week's rest because he works (unlike the OP... oh wait, she does), just pick up the slack... the point is, when one partner is chronically ill it's the other one who has to pick up the slack. The ill one can't, or they would. Does this actually not make sense? Yes, it's just a bit of ironing - for you. For the OP it's all the energy she has to spend for the rest of the day, and will affect her sleep too due to the resulting pain. That's serious shit.

What was that analogy to do with spoons that has been posted here occasionally? How many spoons you have to spend during the day, sort of thing. That made it all clearer, I think.

Indeed Annie . The “ just be fun and spontaneous “ comment made me want to scream.

@whatwouldbigfatfannydo there was a recent thread on here about fibro and it descended because SO many people just don’t think it’s a thing, psychological more than anything else.

There were even doctors commenting, IIRC, or at least spouses/friends of doctors who were saying that some experts diagnose it to throw the hypochondriacs a bone so to speak.

The reason I said it was because this attitude exists and is prevalent. So if it IS fibro and OP’s DH is one of those naysayers then she’s never going to get the support she wants from him.

I wasn’t having a go, I was just saying that when it comes to invisible illness, it’s nigh on impossible to change a cynic’s mind!

@ivana

That wasn't directed at you, it's more the people who are incapable of accepting that people can be ill or disabled without having any outward signs.

It's frustrating for me because people fighting many illnesses are seen as more deserving of help depending on what ails them. Cancer being a clear example. Of course, nothing should be taken away from those suffering from that. But is it so hard to believe that other illnesses cause identical symptoms? I'd rather be diagnosed with something that has a chance of being cured rather than being told to just deal with the fact I'll be in severe pain and fatigued for the rest of my life (not just due to Fibro, I've got a list as long as my arm! All incurable chronic illnesses) while simultaneously being denied strong enough medication because of the effect it might have on my quality of life.

Anyway, apologies Ivana. Being exhausted and in agony makes me an arse sometimes!!

I agree about invisible illnesses and some illnesses being seen as more deserving. It’s hard because i end up having to justify myself all the time, even with H. So much so that I now avoid saying I’m ill. It’s easier to find excuses instead.

It’s the end of the week and I am exhausted. So many things I ended up doing that. I dont normally do. On the top of that, H expected me to take them to the train station at the drop of the hat. And I still did all the invisible work women do (like taking blazer for dry cleaning). Little things that all add up.
I was so exhausted yesterday, I went to bed wo eating. I couldn’t face preparing anything at all. Today was wasted (I slept until 11.00am from 9.00pm. Last night). so work is getting behind too.

I’m sure he has had a lovely break doing all the things he loves everyday though.

I’m sorry to hear that OP, you sound really down

If you are working and have chronic illness well done op! I've recently started a new job and it's made things better but my dh still refuses to get a cleaner like yours. I think men are full of pride, yet when the going gets tough they still don't admit they need help!!!

It’s the cost that is an issue with H, even though we can afford it wo any issue.
And I suspect he also thinks it’s a posh thing to do so will be judging himself if we had one. He still doesn’t do half of the things that need doing (think dust on the windowsill that becomes mould, not non essential stuff). He seems oblivious but I do notice. And then he feels like he has to mention he has spend the morning cleaning up or that he is tired from all the hw

Why does he get the ultimate decision though? Override him...

You can quote this week as an example of why you need external help as they could have done extra this week so you didn't end up suffering even more than you do usually.

TBH he's a selfish dick.

I have several chronic illnesses, including fibro & ME. If you push your body even just a little, you pay for it, always. I've had a harder week than normal & have slept 18 hrs & 19 hrs just from an aft noon nap. Please don't continue down the road of doing too much. You'll make yourself even worse.
Oh and for the naysayers, of course fibro exists, I'd not have lost my career, my financial stability & majority of my social life if I hadn't. We fake being well not ill, really makes me furious to hear the "it's all in your head".