What do you think would have been right to do??

[ComeAndDance]

Setting: I have a chronic illness and I am basically disabled. There are many things I cannot do due to fatigue and I have to chose VERY carefully what I do and don’t. I have been ill for many years (about 10 years)
DH has not taken to that well, basically telling me I was just lazy even after I finally got my diagnosis. I also felt clearly that me not working/bringing an income was an issue so I have prioritised work above HW (can’t do both). DH refuses to have a cleaner to help with the HW and prefers to do it halfheartedly (that’s a whole other thread).

So coming to my question.
DH is ‘in charge’ of the ironing which he always does in the evening just before the start of the week. He is on hols this week with the dcs so doesn’t need clothes. I do as I am working.
Because he doesn’t need any clothes and nor do the dcs who are on hols, he didn’t do any ironing.

My question is: is that ok knowing that
1- this is ‘his’ responsibility after all
2- of course, on paper, I can do it and probably should do it but I also have a full day at work today and will struggle to do both which he KNOWS.
3- it feels like I am an afterthought. He does stuff when it impacts him but not when it impacts others (either me or the dcs)

It’s not that he gets to decide random. More that I don’t have the energy spare to look for someone and deal with the grumpiness.

Dixie I agree about pushing too much atm. I’m thinking about stopping work for 3 months. I talked about it with H and was met with silence. ...
It would need to be organised though as I am self employed and I can’t have the business just folding down...

Perhaps give him the choice either you take 3 months out or you get paid help in...

Having an invisible illness really sucks. You cannot win at all. If there are days when you are feeling a little better and able to do more, then it becomes 'evidence' that you could always do it and people resent helping you when you can't.

I think this article would be good reading for some of the posters who don't understand what a big deal it is:

Spoons theory

Ah, that was the one I remembered.

OP what is your job?

Everything is off balance here and needs addressing.

I have chronic conditions and am a single parent. It's really hard. I don't iron unless something absolutely needs ironing. So about 4 times a year

You haven't said what you have. Others with the same thing might be able to offer more specific advice if they know what it is.

I think your DH sounds like a twat tbh. Why do you stay with him? It sounds like you have enough to cope with without having a DH who treats you like this. Could you manage without him?

Also, it's not a question of belief anymore, it's a question of being informed. There are thousands of pieces of evidence of biological illness. So if your DH hasn't bothered to educate himself, he doesn't deserve you. Really.

Anyway, apologies Ivana. Being exhausted and in agony makes me an arse sometimes!!

Oh god please don’t apologize!!! You have nothing to be sorry for.

I understand where you are coming from OP. There’s a tough crowd in tonight, most of whom probably haven’t had to deal with these sort of issues. Yet. Their responses would probably be more sympathetic and understanding in later life, when health issues raise their head for nearly everybody.

Fwiw it sounds to me like your husband is at best a lazy so and so who is unsupportive, tries to get away with as little as possible and moans about even that. If he IS responsible for the ironing, then that’s a cheap stunt he’s pulling, and hardly in the spirit of “All for one and one for all” that marriage should be. Bad enough you’re not sharing in the fun of half term, let’s make things harder still.

The trouble is, he’s being mean spirited, and in my book that’s one of the worst things you can be, and especially in a marriage. It doesn’t work and it doesn’t lead to happiness. You should both want the very best for each other.

He’s a PITA. Question is, is he enough of a PITA for you to get rid of him?

I don’t know, but I suggest you move forward assessing him in this light. I wish you well. 💐

Thank you all again.
I have ME but tbh I think the issues i have are the ones a lot of people with chronic illnesses have (well maybe not the unsupportive husband!).

This thread hasn’t solved the issue of ironing but at least, it has pushed me enough to decide I need a break. I’ll make enquires on Monday to see how I can handle the clients/business side of things and treat it as if my GP had put me on sick leave. After all, when I saw him a few weeks ago he commented on how bad I was sometimes...
And then I’ll take it from there.

So if your DH hasn't bothered to educate himself, he doesn't deserve you. Really.

That has hit a sore point. I don’t think H has ever tried to read around the subject. At best, he is accepting (not always supporting) changes I want to make. :(

I'm sorry OP. My DD(17) has had ME since she was 14 and I've spent 3 years researching it just so I can understand it and support her. I think this is normal behaviour for someone you love who is ill. Not to be petty about chores like ironing. That said I've seen many fathers struggle with ME where mothers have been more accepting, so maybe it's one of their flaws.

There is an exercise test you can do which proves you have something wrong with you. You could do that and show your DH that you are not lazy. It's called a 2 day CPET and you can do it in a university that has a sports science department. It would be helpful for you both to understand why you can't function at full capacity and what happens to you physically when you try.

You could also get him to watch Unrest on Netflix. There's a lady in the film whose DH left her because he didn't believe she was ill. Then their DD got ME too and he realised he had been wrong. He says he'll regret doubting her for the rest of his life because he had withdrawn support when she needed it most.

I can give you more info on the CPET if you're interested. DD did it and her anaerobic threshold reduced by 42% on day 2, proving not only that her energy systems are broken, but that by trying to push through, it made her significantly worse.

Your DH is just loving and supportive but I recognise leaving would not be easy and just create other issues.

Is there any sort of short term specialist advisor that you can get support from - such as could say to your DH that getting a cleaner, paid help with X would benefit the family as you can't do hear things?

Do you pass the threshold for DLA or as a vulnerable adult to access a SW?

What's worst is that you seem to be able to afford help but he is being obstructive which actual tips into abusive behaviour

I have to say, I’ve never looked at the DVLA or PIP etc...
Mainly because I’m struggling enough to see myself as disabled rather than just ill (you recover from illness whereas disability is for life iyswim). So going there is a step too far for me.

It probably doesn’t help H behaviour though.

What job do you do OP? You've said you're self employed but not what you do. There might be ways to make changes there to help. What hours do you do?
You mention doing errands like dry cleaning-surely that could be left to him? And he do more of the cooking?

My huge concern is that you take up 3 months of work and you just pick up the slack rather than taking 3 months off and spending that time basically resting when you would usually be working...

You would have to be resolute in "I'm too unwell to work and by default too unwell to iron/pick up dry cleaning" ie the tasks you currently do rather than doing his as well!

What do you want to achieve by taking three months off?

Randomness has a good point. I struggle to rest. If I got that long off it would be hard for me to use it productively by actually resting as opposed to doing chores and errands.

I hear you OP on having nothing left to do extra things like organise a clearer. DH is adamant we can't afford one. We can. I've thought of just hiring one but I have no energy to search out a good cleaner let alone fight with DH over it.

I hope you find something that helps you get the rest you need. If you do take 3 months off make sure you block out most of the day. X hour to Y hour is only resting. Depending on what you could do maybe just bed/sleep or tv/reading if those aren't too exhausting. Different condition but I've had a whole year when I first got sick that just holding a book or watching TV was too much.

I’m working about 15 hours a week over 3 days and H already does all the cooking. I have already given away a lot of what I used to do. Or rather the obvious stuff (food, washing, ironing...) whilst I still do the less obvious thing that H will never think about doing (like taking the school blazer for dry cleaning on time so dc can have it back for Monday).
I’m not going to pick up anything. I’ve learnt a long time ago I couldn’t afford that as, as soon as I go and ‘help’, the task becomes mine again. But I also know by experience that proper rest is doing me a lot of good. The longest I’ve had has been 4 weeks (of official hols) and it made a huge difference. I need to recover from that crash to be a bit more functional again. THEN I can start thinking about finding a cleaner, organising ourselves better etc... and I’ll also be able to do really important paperwork that have been put on hold too.

Could you spread those hours over more days? You've still not said what job it is you do-do you think posters will be less supportive if we know what it is?

This sounds more like a DH problem to be honest.

It's not easy having a chronic and invisible illness but it's also hard living with someone with one too. My mum had ME when I was about 15/16-18. It deeply affected me and I resented her a lot at that time as she was always in bed when I came home from school or college. It sounds like he needs support as do you.

I don't understand why you don't just employ a cleaner. If you can afford one and it would make your lives easier then just get one. It's s no brainier to me,

You need to make it crystal clear to your H that you will be using it to recuperate and do x y z - literally write a list of the outstanding tasks you want to get done.

How old are your DC?

No I dint think people will be less supportive . It’s just that there are very few of us doing that (I think around 3000) so it’s pretty identifying!

Spreading hours won’t work for me. I’ve tried before and I actually get less rest.

Interesting about being resentful of your mum LoosePants. Dc1 is the one telling me off when I do too much and he can see me struggling, telling me I’m going to pay for it later and I should just stop!

It depends on what you have.

Bluntly: If it’s fibromyalgia then he probably thinks you’re being dramatic and lazy. Because it has a bit of a rep as a “made up” condition, doesn’t it?!

What a twattish comment. If the OP does have a condition that is often misunderstood like fibro then the least she should expect is for someone as close to her as her DH to be educated about it, instead of ignorant.

OP I have ME and completely understand that it’s not a case of not wanting to do something, but being physically incapable. My DP looks out for me, makes sure I rest, doesn’t put on me. He avoids situations that would aggravate my condition, is perceptive when I’m struggling e.g. at a family gathering and makes our excuses to get me home. It’s a new relationship and he had no experience of M.E. before meeting me either. There are men out there who will educate themselves and consider your health because they love you. Living with a chronic condition is difficult enough without a selfish partner too.

I’m guessing the ironing is a symptom of his general disbelief and misunderstanding of the reality of your situation.

How old are the dc? I might have missed it somewhere

Ah, I've just seen that the dc are teens. Time for them to have some chores imo. Teens are quite capable of running an iron over an outfit or wiping the window sills. They are old enough to help around the house now and should have regular chores.

Or get a cleaner as suggested 🤷🏼‍♀️