What do you think would have been right to do??

[ComeAndDance]

Setting: I have a chronic illness and I am basically disabled. There are many things I cannot do due to fatigue and I have to chose VERY carefully what I do and don’t. I have been ill for many years (about 10 years)
DH has not taken to that well, basically telling me I was just lazy even after I finally got my diagnosis. I also felt clearly that me not working/bringing an income was an issue so I have prioritised work above HW (can’t do both). DH refuses to have a cleaner to help with the HW and prefers to do it halfheartedly (that’s a whole other thread).

So coming to my question.
DH is ‘in charge’ of the ironing which he always does in the evening just before the start of the week. He is on hols this week with the dcs so doesn’t need clothes. I do as I am working.
Because he doesn’t need any clothes and nor do the dcs who are on hols, he didn’t do any ironing.

My question is: is that ok knowing that
1- this is ‘his’ responsibility after all
2- of course, on paper, I can do it and probably should do it but I also have a full day at work today and will struggle to do both which he KNOWS.
3- it feels like I am an afterthought. He does stuff when it impacts him but not when it impacts others (either me or the dcs)

OP I get it. I have a chronic pain condition that limits what I can manage to do. I work part time and some days, work is all I can manage for that day.

I have reflected a lot on this and have come to realise that actually everyone has limitations so I aim not to feel guilty about mine.

I do have a supportive partner. Sometimes things just don't occur to him though.

I may have missed this but what would happen if you said, the ironing is too much for me and I need x y and z ironed for work Please would you iron them for me?.

Would he do it? Realise that ideally this should be unnecessary as it is his task. But from my own experience asking outright is sometimes needed.

for you.

Thecurtain I mentioned it to him. That the ironing hadn’t been done and I had nothing to wear.
He just mumbled something and carried on with with his plans (which included going to the florist so he went away ASAP).
Didn’t ask in the evening or the day after if I needed some help with it (after all I could well have just done something for the day as has been suggested several times in this thread).

I think sometimes he is just a twat, sometimes he genuinely hasn’t a clue, even when I spell it out clearly to him. Everything is like this. No as a first answer and then slowly, after repeating the same thing many times, it sinks in. Sometimes quicker than others.
But generally he still hasn’t a clue. So he knows I can’t walk far but will propose an outing to a nearby garden ‘because it’s easy’ and he will chosen it especially for me. Well yes it is easy. Compare to what he and the dcs normally do. I know it looks boring and like walking in a town centre for him. Still I struggle. And still he is genuinely surprised when I am clearly having problems finishing the walk.
I probably should tell him straight but when your partner makes that extra effort for you, can you also really tell him he is totally misguided? Again.

How old are your DCs? Can they not do their own ironing, take their own blazers to the dry cleaners etc? My 11 year old can manage that!

It feels like if the load was more evenly spread with everyone pulling their weight, the situation would be less likely to implode. And if it implodes, your DCs would end up having to do a lot anyway. So ask them to do a little now - it will pay off in the long run.

I think you will hate this put perhaps it's time to invest in a wheelchair for days out - walk a bit, rest a bit.

I think you need to be more blunt with him, "I can see you have tried to consider me but that is still too much for me to do"

You need to be direct and ask instead of being all passive aggressive. Instead of moaning it's not been done (he'll see it as moaning even if you don't) just say to him please would you do xyz.

Yes he's got a fair few faults but you seem to be taking the martyr role here and need to start delegating to your teenagers to do their own stuff, get a cleaner, and have a sit down with your dh and work out a proper plan of action as to who does what.

You seem to be making this more difficult than it needs to be. You could do the ironing but instead of just getting on with it, you're using up your precious energy moaning about it.

You want us to bash your dh, that much is obvious, and yes, he needs to be more aware, but you need to speak up and be proactive too.